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Luca was having a bad time. He should be having a great time, his team won and now he was in a bar with his teammates, celebrating. His teammates, which included generational players like Ilya Rozanov and Shane Hollander, but nonetheless, Luca was having a bad time.
He was currently sitting at a table squished between Bood and Young, because the team took the number of maximum people being able to sit on a bench as a mere suggestion. They were ribbing Holmberg about his inability to get a girlfriend, and Luca was terrified of the possibility of the attention shifting to him.
He did not have a partner or picked up regularly when going out either, but that was because he didn't want to. He didn't want to have sex, which he knew was fine, he made peace with it. His team, however, would see it as a problem and try to wing-man for him, which was guaranteed to fail. He also didn't want to date anyone, he wasn't interested in that kind of relationship. But that wasn't something he wanted to tell the team, he was too afraid that they would not understand. They probably wouldn't, most of the guy's were in serious relationships, and that was socially the ultimate goal of life; to find someone to settle down with.
Whenever a group he was apart of started to talk about relationships and dating he tried to remove himself quietly. He didn't have anything of value to add, relationship issues usually boiled down to 'communicate or break up', in his humble opinion, and he really didn't want to be asked about his own love life. It was none existent, just the way he liked it.
"- it doesn't matter anyways, I'm not the only single guy here. Focus your energy on someone else. Haasy doesn't have anyone either." Holmberg said, sounding vaguely annoyed and embarrassed.
Shit, Luca hadn't been following the conversation, but the sliver he did hear sounded like his greatest nightmare was impending. The team focusing all their matchmaking energy on him. Suddenly, there were a lot of eyes on him. Luca just wanted to die a gruesome death, maybe a meteor would strike him, that would be adequately dramatic.
"We'll come back to you, Bergy, but I guess we can take a detour and find someone for Haasy." Bood, said and turned towards him. Shit. "So tell us, Haasy, what are you looking for?"
Luca swallowed. "I'm not looking for anything, I'm happy with my life just as it is." He managed to say, trying to sound decisive.
"No, that's no fun. Let us help you find someone, it's good for team bonding." Hazy said.
It really wasn't. Not for a team with Luca on it.
"We do plenty of team bonding, go play pool with Roz or something. Stay out of my love life." Luca said trying to shut the conversation down but, once again, not succeeding.
"Don't leave us hanging like that, Haasy, we gotta find you someone. Come on, what's your type?" Young said, completely cornering him into the conversation.
God, Luca must have done something horrible in his past life to deserve all this. He did not have a type, at least not in the sense that the team thought he had. He obviously could tell if people were deemed attractive by society, hell, he was deemed attractive by society, but that did not help him answer the question.
Maybe he should just lie, say he liked doe-eyed brunettes or something, but then he would have to find other reasons for not getting with the people (most likely women, the world was not only allonormative but also heteronormative) that the team would inevitably bring to him. He could say something personality-wise, then at least he could be truthful about what he liked in friendships. He liked people he could have a real conversation with. Someone that could match him in his enthusiasm about the little things. He really needed to find an answer.
"Oh, you know, nice smile, kind eyes, something like that." Great, that was the best non-answer he could come up with right now.
"Come on, Haasy, give us something to work with." Young protested, "It's no fun like this, what hair colour are you looking for? What colour should her eyes be? We can't set you up if we don't know what you're looking for."
"I told you, I am not looking for anything. Please don't set me up with anyone." Luca repeated. He wanted to end this conversation.
Hazy leaned closer and said conspiratorially: "Luca Haas, are you already seeing someone and haven't told us?"
"No, I am not seeing anyone and I am not interested in seeing anyone. This team should really reconsider it's boundaries, my love life is none of your business." Luca was getting tired, maybe he should just go home.
"You're no fun, stop being so bitchy about it, Haasy." Young said.
Luca was very close to taking a strategically timed bathroom break when Ilya sauntered over.
"What are you talking about? Haasy looks like he will combust." Ilya said, grinning.
"Ohhh, big word, Roz! We're just trying to find out what kind of girl to set him up with, Roz." Bood answered, then taking a sip from his beer. Maybe Luca should be drinking more, then at least he wouldn't have to endure this whole thing sober.
"Ah, how fun. Tell us, Haasy, what are you into? Beautiful blondes with good hockey skills?" Ilya asked him.
Contrary to popular belief, Luca's awe of Ilya Rozanov had nothing to do wit a supposed crush and more with the fact that The Ilya Rozanov, Generational Player, had been talking to him and continued to talk to him. He had let the team believe it, though, it was easier that way. But Luca had had enough.
"Please let me up, Young, I need to go to the bathroom." He said, whilst already standing up.
Luca did in fact not go to the bathroom. Sure, he initially walked in that direction, but he diverted his course and went outside. He just needed some air. And space. And quiet.
He let the cold air fill up his lungs. He should have brought his jacket, but that would've been a bit obvious, who takes a jacket to the bathroom. But he'd rather be cold than continue to be interrogated by his team about thing he did not want to talk about.
He leaned on a wall but then decided to crouch down and put his face in his hands. He just needed a minute. They were going to be talking about something else when he returned, he really hoped they would.
He had struggled with figuring out his identity for such a long time, he had debated to just leave it unlabelled, but having a label made him feel more secure. He had spent a lot of time online, reading different definitions and a lot of reddit posts on different kinds of love. The only place he had ever really been out was on his private social media pages, that had no ties back to him whatsoever. He had made sure of that. His online presence was his own, his safe space to just be who he wanted with no one he knew in real life judging him.
Discussions like the one that had just happened in the bar always sent him spiralling. He wondered if he was just imagining everything, if he just wanted to be different so badly that he manipulated himself into believing he was aromantic. He never really doubted his asexuality. Whilst the idea of hypothetically hooking up with someone was somewhat appealing, the idea of doing it for real was not. Genitals of any kind grossed him out. His relationship with aromaticism was so much more complicated.
He sometimes debated just getting a partner to shut everyone up. He would need someone to be okay with him being asexual, and it wasn't like he felt no love for the people around him, just no romantic love. He could do what one expected of a romantic partner, he was good at devotion. But the only reason he would be in that relationship in the first place would be societal pressure, none of his own initiative, and that was something he did not want to put on someone.
God, how long had Luca been outside? He should probably go back inside, he didn't want to worry anyone. Maybe he could just continue to be outside for a bit longer, he really needed to get his shit together.
"There you are, Haasy. We missed you."
Shit. Luca looked up, but there was only Ilya standing there. Thank God. He made a non committal grunting noise and put his head back into his hands. He really didn't have the energy to pretend to be okay
"Luca, tell me what is wrong."
Luca hadn't come out to anyone so close to him before, especially not in person, but he felt like he couldn't possibly keep it in anymore. He just wanted someone to know, to understand him, to shield him from all the unwanted questioning. He swallowed hard and looked up, not at Ilya but at his hands in front of him.
"I'm aroace, like, aromantic and asexual? I don't want sex. I have never looked at someone and wanted to hook up with them and I don't think I've ever been in love. Sure, I love my friends but I have never experienced romantic love— at least I don't think so. Nobody can agree on a clear distinction between platonic and romantic love and I am just so tired of trying to figure it out. I think if I ever did fall in love, I would not notice because I would have to love the person platonically first, so I would probably not be able to make out a difference. I've never really told anyone because it just felt like something that was no ones business. I don't particularly mind the thought of never being in a romantic relationship because I can get pretty much anything I need out of my friendships. I think the thing I miss most is having a designated partner in crime, just someone I can assume will do most things with me and will ask me to do things with them. It would not be fair to ask of someone to commit to a relationship with me when they are searching for so much more than me and all I want is to have someone to talk to and hug when I get home. And everyone looks at me with so much pity because they think I want to be in a relationship but can't. But I don't want to and everyone judges me for never having had a partner, but I don't actually care about that. I don't want a partner. I want friendships and having a support network to rely on, not just one singular person."
Tears had started to fall at some point through his monologue, he could feel the wet sensation on his hands. He couldn't see clearly, everything was blurry. He felt a hand on his shoulder.
"Luca, it's ok. Thank you for trusting me with this. That was a lot of words, but I think I got the gist of it. Do you want hug." Ilya said, voice surprisingly soft.
Luca just nodded. He probably couldn't talk right now without fully starting to sob. Ilya pulled him up into a standing position and wrapped his hands around Luca's shoulders, gripping him tight. Luca just put his forehead on Ilya's shoulder— he probably should be feeling awkward but he was just glad someone was hugging him.
"I am sorry for pushing earlier, you are right, your love life is no ones business but yours. I will talk to team, they will not ask you again." Ilya said, quietly.
"Please don't tell them anything, I don't want to be judged. Or pitied." Luca said, he wanted to add that he could take them interrogating him about his love life, but it was apparent that he could not so it would feel stupid to say.
"I won't tell them anything but to lay off your love life. I am captain, I make rules. It's no good if our best upcoming player is panicking. We need you to play hockey."
Luca was probably blushing, but that was the least of his problems right now. His nose was snotty and he really didn't want to ruin Ilya's shirt. He didn't need to be embarrassed even more. He lifted his head and Ilya released him and stepped back. Luca searched his pockets and found a tissue to blow his nose.
"I will take you back to hotel, it is not far, so we can walk. I will have to go inside to say goodbye and get the jackets. Do you want to come with me or stay out here?"
Luca sniffled. "You don't have to bring me back, I can go back myself. I'm sure you'd rather stay here with Hollzy and the team."
"No, I will bring you to hotel. I just have to tell them that we are leaving and get Shane to take over captain supervising duties. You can stay out here if you do not want to talk to them anymore today."
"Hollzy won't be coming back with us? And I'd rather just stay out here."
"Shane is a big boy, he can walk himself home and I will see him back in our room. Also, who would keep everyone in check if not the most boring Canadian ever." Ilya chuckled, and then said, "You stay right here, I will be back quickly.", and turned around to go inside.
Luca let his back rest against the wall. At least he was upright and functioning again. Or somewhat functioning. He wondered what Ilya would be telling the team. He wouldn't out him, he wasn't that kind of asshole. But Ilya had the talent to make rules with such authority that no one questioned them, so it was going to be fine. He took a deep breath. He had just come out to Ilya Rozanov, and the world did not implode. He hadn't been ostracized or laughed at, but comforted and validated.
"You ready to go?"
Luca had been to lost in his thoughts to notice Ilya coming back outside. He nodded and pushed himself off of the wall to start walking towards their hotel.
"You know, Hunter would be jealous that we got a new flavour of queer first." Ilya said conversationally while walking besides Luca.
That got a chuckle out of Luca, which probably was Ilya's goal altogether but Luca was still glad. He could use a bit of humour, he had already said too many serious things tonight.
"How sad for him. I think you're collecting us."
"Yes, I am collector. I have supreme gaydar so I can sniff all of you out, even if I don't get the exact term of queerness right."
"You thought I was gay, right? Also, who taught you the term 'gaydar'?" Luca said, not quite beaming at Ilya, but considerably happier than before.
"I must admit, that that was my guess, but it does not matter what I thought. You are good the way you are. Also I read it online. I have been doing research and I will probably do more tonight. I now have to become expert on more queer themes." Ilya admitted, looking at Luca softly.
"Thank you. If you want to know something specific you can just ask, though. Aromanticism and Asexuality are spectra, so it works a bit differently for everyone. There are, like, a lot of sub-labels." Luca really was grateful, it felt nice to have someone not only knowing about his identity but make an active effort to learn more about it.
"You're just using aromantic and asexual, yes? Or something more specific?"
"I like using the broader ones, I usually just say aroace. More specific ones would give me biweekly identity crises, and I cannot deal with that." Luca really had better things to do, like playing hockey, for example. They were already in front of their hotel, the walk really had been short. They walked through the lobby silently, Ilya pressing the elevator button.
Once they arrived on the floor all of the teams rooms were on, Ilya turned to Luca again.
"You are okay to be alone, yes?"
"Yes, Roz, I am okay. Thank you, though, for, like, helping me today. And accepting me." Luca stuttered, slightly embarrassed again. He was probably blushing, he was always blushing.
"I am proud of you Luca, coming out is not easy and I am happy that you trusted me enough to be able to do it. We will see each other tomorrow at breakfast, yeah?" Ilya clapped him on the shoulder and walked down the hallway towards his own room.
Luca opened the door to his room that he shared with Bergy, who obviously wasn't here yet. He just had to get to bed before the others got back, he really didn't want to talk about it today. So he got ready for bed in record time and got under his covers. The team was tomorrow's problem, so he put in his headphones and turned on his favourite podcast. It helped him go to sleep, with the ever changing rooms on the road, at least the same voice screamed into his ears.