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“Ilya, turn off that stupid game and come to bed,” Shane says, half asleep wandering into the living room at 3 am.
“No! I have to make sure our Sims fall in love!” Ilya wines.
He looks simultaneously exhausted and like he’s just had 6 shots of espresso. Ever since a minor shoulder injury put him on rest for a couple of weeks, he’s rekindled his obsession with the Sims 4. Shane can’t really blame him, if he were the one injured he thinks he’d also be losing his mind and resorting to whatever form of entertainment available.
“Go back to bed, I’ll be there soon- oh my god! We just kissed for the first time!!!” Ilya squeals.
Shane just rolls his eyes at his idiot boyfriend and goes back to bed.
The next day, Ilya is sitting on the bench at practice, just watching like he has every day since his injury. He’s mostly here to support the team, and to chat with the guys. Except today he’s brought his laptop since he can’t think about anything other than his Sims game.
“Hey, how are you holding up?” Harris asks Ilya from where he’s taking pictures of the team practicing.
“Good,” Ilya says simply, not looking up once from his laptop.
“What are you doing?” Harris asks, curious about what’s on Ilya’s screen, but unable to become too distracted from doing his job.
“Me and Shane are trying for a baby,” Ilya says, eyebrows furrowed in concentration.
At that Harris freezes in shock, nearly dropping his camera.
“What?”
“I won’t stop until I get him pregnant.”
“Um, okay buddy, you have fun with that,” Harris chuckles and then moves a step further away from the bench.
After practice, Ilya is still playing his game in the break room while he waits for Shane to finish getting changed. A couple of the other guys have come in to try and keep him company. Except it seems he has better things to do than socialize with his team mates.
“YES!” Ilya suddenly shouts.
“What’s the good news, Roz?” Wyatt asks.
“Shane is pregnant!!!” Ilya cheers, clapping his hands together happily. “This is the best day of my life!!!!”
Everyone looks around at each other and then back to their captain who may or may not be losing his damn mind.
“Hollander is pregnant?” Wyatt asks, raising a skeptical eyebrow.
“Yes, is what I just said,” Ilya grins, turning his attention back to the computer.
“Wait, are you being serious?”
“Yes, he took pregnancy test and it came back positive. He is, how do you say, eating for two,” Ilya shrugs.
“How is that even possible?”
“What, you never learned sex ed? When two people love each other very much they fuck and then boom the miracle of life.”
“Oh, um. Congrats I guess?”
“Thank you, Hazy, I am so excited to be a dad.”
“Ok Ilya, I’m ready to go,” Shane says, strolling into the room.
Ilya finally shuts his laptop and gets up, following Shane out.
“Do you really think Roz was being serious? Like is Shane actually pregnant?" Wyatt asks Evan once the couple is out of earshot.
“Huh, Hollander doesn’t look pregnant,” Evan says.
“I mean he’s probably only a few weeks along if they just found out, right?”
“Roz seemed genuinely happy about it. Like I don’t think I’ve ever seen him smile like that before.”
“Oh shit, I think Hollander is actually pregnant.”
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Shane comes in the next day, clutching his stomach and looking nauseous. Ilya is nervously following behind him, carrying his bag and a ginger ale.
“Shane, I don’t think you should play today,” Ilya says.
“I’ll be fine-”
“No, you’re clearly still nauseous.”
“And whose fault is that?” Shane snaps, shutting Ilya up.
Wyatt and Evan exchange a knowing look from across the room.
“Do you think Roz is going to wait to announce it to the team?” Wyatt asks in a hushed voice.
“Dude, I don’t know. Should Hollander even be playing? Is there even maternity leave for MLH players?”
“What are you two idiots talking about now?” Troy asks, sitting next to them.
“Dude, Roz said Hollander is pregnant,” Wyatt explains.
“Don’t be fucking stupid, you seriously believe that?” Troy laughs.
“We didn’t believe it at first either! But Roz actually seemed so happy. He said Hollander took a test and it came back positive.”
“Yeah, and look at him today, he said it’s Roz’s fault he’s nauseous. That’s probably morning sickness, right?”
“Huh, Harris did tell me about how Ilya said something about wanting to get Shane pregnant the other day, but he thought he was just joking,” Troy frowns in contemplation.
“Should we tell the rest of the team?”
“No! Keep your big mouth shut for once. We don’t know if this is all just some stupid joke or not. I won’t believe it until they announce it themselves,” Troy decides, walking away before he can get roped into his teammates' stupidity once more.
By the end of the day Shane is looking much better.
“Ugh, my chest is sore, Ilya come massage it,” Shane demands after getting out of the shower.
Wyatt pulls Troy aside immediately. “Tender breasts are a symptom of pregnancy in the first trimester, I looked it up.”
“Last I checked, Shane Hollander doesn’t have breasts,” Troy rolls his eyes.
“Yeah but he has huge pecs. Bigger than any boobs I’ve ever seen.”
Troy turns to watch where Ilya is massaging Shane’s chest. He has to agree, Shane lowkey has a massive rack…
“But we’ve all seen his dick before-”
“He could be intersex, we can’t assume he can’t get pregnant just because he has a dick.”
“Huh, I guess you’re right. I just never considered that before,” Troy runs his hands through his hair, already stressing about the possibilities.
“Bood, could you maybe lay off the body spray? I can barely even breathe in here,” Shane groans, covering his nose with his hand.
“My dear Shane, you are so sensitive to smells,” Ilya teases, continuing his mandatory massage.
“That’s another symptom,” Evan whispers to Troy and Wyatt.
“Ugh, fuck off,” Shane snaps, batting Ilya’s hands away from where he was massaging his chest.
“My Shane, you are so moody today,” Ilya pouts.
“Sorry, I’m just more tired than usual today,” Shane sighs.
“Hmm, also my fault,” Ilya grins.
Troy, Wyatt and Evan exchange a knowing glance.
“Mood swings and fatigue, classic signs of pregnancy within the first trimester,” Wyatt says.
“Holy shit, Shane is pregnant,” Troy covers his mouth in shock.
--------
The next day, Troy watches Hollander practice just as hard as any other day. The rest of the team who has not yet been informed of the pregnancy don’t think anything of it of course. But Troy is concerned for his friend and team mate, it’s probably dangerous for him to be playing, even in these early stages.
“Hey, Roz, is it really okay for Shane to still be playing?” Troy asks Ilya as they’re both getting a drink of water from the bench.
Ilya pauses and then looks at Troy suspiciously. “What are you fucking talking about Barrett?”
Huh, maybe they’re still trying to keep the pregnancy a secret from the rest of the team?
“Uh you know, because of his condition?” Troy asks, voice hushed so no one else overhears them.
“He can still play hockey just fine and beat your dumb fucking ass three times over!” Ilya snaps, skating off with an angry string of Russian curse words.
“What the fuck did you do now?” Harris sighs, setting his camera down.
“I just asked him if it’s okay for Shane to be playing while pregnant,” Troy frowns.
“Pregnant? What the actual fuck?” Harris looks at him as if he’s grown a second head.
“Yeah, you literally told me Ilya said they were trying for a baby,” Troy is starting to think the several concussions he’s had over the years are catching up to him.
“I’m pretty sure he was joking…”
“Hayes and Dykstra said he was jumping for joy yesterday and announced that Shane is pregnant. He even said Shane took a pregnancy test and it came back positive.”
“There’s no way-”
“He was showing so many clear signs of pregnancy yesterday, nausea, sore chest, fatigue, mood swings.”
“Ok so say he is pregnant why is Ilya so pissed at you?”
“When is he not pissed about random shit? I don’t know, I guess knowing Hollander he’s not gonna want to sit out for a single moment of the season, even if he is pregnant.”
“And you really think he’s… pregnant?” Harris is concerned for his boyfriend’s levels of stupidity, but also maybe believes him.
“I mean it sounds crazy I know, but he could be intersex. Wyatt says it’s actually more common than you’d think,” Troy explains.
“What the fuck would Wyatt know?”
“His wife is a doctor?”
Suddenly Harris is signaling for Troy to shut up because Shane is skating up to them.
“I don’t know who told you or how you found out, but seriously I thought you of all people would be better than this,” Shane says, not quite angry but mostly disappointed.
“Hey, man I heard from Hayes and Dykstra, who heard from Ilya himself. I just want the best for you, but I totally support whatever you wanna do. Your body your choice right?” Troy chuckles awkwardly.
Harris nudges him in the side to let him know he is definitely not saying the right thing.
“Ilya told Hayes and Dykstra?” Shane frowns, looking back at where his boyfriend is chatting happily with their team mates.
“Um yeah apparently. But I think it’s great! I’m excited for you two,” Troy grins.
“Excited?” Shane looks at him like he’s just said some horrible insult.
“Yeah, I mean I don’t know, it’s just new and exciting, right Harris?”
“Don’t drag me into this,” Harris sighs. “Shane, ignore him. You just take care of yourself and don’t worry about what anyone else has to say.”
“Thanks, Harris,” Shane nods, skating back over to Ilya.
“God, why can I never say the right thing?” Troy groans.
---------
Later that week the team finds themselves at Zane Boodram’s highly anticipated barbecue.
Hayes and Dykstra are sitting by the fire pit chatting when Shane comes up to them. They note that he has a ginger ale and not a beer like the rest of the guys. He rarely drinks during the season anyways, but they’re glad to see he’s at least following that guideline for a healthy pregnancy.
“Hey guys, I know Ilya may have told you something about me. But I specifically told him I’m not quite ready to tell the team,” Shane sighs, looking down at them awkwardly.
“Oh shit, dude we’re so sorry,” Wyatt gasps, eyes going wide.
“Why? Just Troy knows, right?” Shane looks on the verge of panic.
“Um, we may have told… the whole team,” Dykstra winces at how bad that sounds now that he realizes what they’ve done.
“Guys, what the fuck? Do you know what would happen if this gets leaked to the media or the league? I’m already getting shit for being gay!” Shane drops his head into his hands.
“Hey, buddy we’re so sorry we didn’t realize. I guess we just thought this is such a major life event and we thought you’d want to share it with the team. We’re all a family, right?” Wyatt says.
“Ugh, I just wanted to be able to tell everyone myself for once,” Shane groans, and shit he’s actually crying.
“Aw man, the hormones are really getting you, huh?”
“What?” Shane looks up.
Suddenly the door swings open and Chouinard and Bood are walking out to join them.
“Hollander!” Bood exclaims. Then he does an adorable thing and bends down to speak to Shane’s stomach, even though he doesn’t even have a baby bump yet. “Hey little Hollander, how are you doing in there?”
Shane slaps Bood across the face, standing up abruptly.
Everyone on the porch freezes, unsure of what to do.
“What the fuck is wrong with all of you?” Shane cries.
The commotion naturally attracts Ilya out, and everyone follows.
“Hey, Shane I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you-“
“Why are you talking to me like I’m fucking stupid? This diagnosis doesn’t change anything about me, I’m still the same person I’ve always been,” Shane is fuming now, not even Ilya wants to step in to bring him down.
“Shane, I know this is all probably super scary and overwhelming, but it is also exciting right? We’re just super happy for you two,” Wyatt explains.
“You guys are all acting super fucking weird,” Shane starts grabbing at his hair out of stress.
Everyone is just standing around, having absolutely no clue what to do next.
Then Harris and Troy walk outside to join everyone, and they’re holding a cake.
“Congrats!” They exclaim, holding the cake out to Shane, completely missing the hostile tension of the porch.
Shane lowers his hands from his face and looks at the cake, it’s pink and blue and the icing letters read Congrats on your pregnancy!
“Is this some kind of sick joke? What’s going on?” Shane looks around in disgust.
“You guys are having a baby and we wanted to celebrate,” Troy explains.
“What?!” This time Shane slaps the cake out of their hands rather than Bood’s face. He’s so angry he can’t even say anything.
“You assholes think it's so funny to pick on my sweet boyfriend just because he is autistic? I think you all forget I am your team captain and I think you could all use a lesson in respect-” Ilya jumps in to argue for him but is cut off by all the blank confused stares.
“Autistic?” Wyatt asks. “Of course we would never treat Hollander differently for that. We didn’t even know.”
“I just got my evaluation results, you said you heard about it from Ilya.”
“We heard about the results of your pregnancy test. Roz said it came back positive,” Evan says cautiously.
Shane wants to slap someone else just from the idiocy of it all.
His decision becomes clear of who he should slap next when Ilya doubles over in laughter.
“Why the fuck are you laughing?” Shane grabs him by the front of his shirt.
“I’m sorry, I realize it’s my fault!” Ilya cackles.
“Explain yourself,” Shane groans, shoving his stupid boyfriend to the ground.
“I was talking about my sims game. I got Shane pregnant in a video game!” Ilya laughs, smiling as if his boyfriend isn’t one second away from running a car through Bood’s house.
“But he was showing all the pregnancy symptoms, morning sickness, sore chest, mood swings, fatigue-”
“Ah, those can all be explained. You see, Shane is lactose intolerant and the other day he accidentally drank my smoothie that had milk. And um, sometimes we go too hard during sex and he is sore and tired the next day. Um as for mood swings I think he is just cranky sometimes,” Ilya shrugs.
“Guys, I can’t even get pregnant, last I checked I’m a man,” Shane sighs.
“Yeah, if he could get pregnant it would’ve happened a long time ago-”
Shane cuts him off with a well deserved slap to the face.
“Shit man, I guess we should’ve figured that out…”
“Ugh, this is the dumbest fucking team on the league!” Shane exclaims, sitting back down in his chair.
“Yeah… but I mean it when I said we would never treat you differently because you have autism,” Wyatt reiterates.
“I think I need to clarify that when I said I didn’t think you should be playing it was out of concern for your pregnancy, not the autism,” Troy jumps in.
“Shut up, Troy.” Shane snaps.
“Ok, fair enough,” Troy nods, stepping back.
“Sorry about the cake, it was actually kind of cute,” Shane says, finally breaking the horrible tension.
“All this talk about pregnancy is giving me some ideas,” Ilya says, wrapping his arm around Shane’s shoulders. “Bood, you have a guest room we can use?”
“NO!” everyone shouts.