Chapter Text
Shane sighed for the millionth time in the last hour. He tried to change positions and rolled over to maybe finally find sleep. He was actually tired, really tired. His eyes were burning but he couldn't sleep. He should. Ilya's warm body was next to him. Ilya was dead asleep. Not even Shane's mouvements were waking him up. His little snores usually calmed Shane as a reminder that they were real. But tonight nothing was doing it for Shane.
He turned the lights on, looked at the clock next to him. It was only 2am. They went to bed around midnight. He should be sleeping by now. Ilya's bed, Ilya's arms were his place. It was where Shane felt the most comfortable, the more at peace. So why was he not sleeping ? His eyes burned from fatigue, he yawned over and over. And he sighed again. His brain was not turning off. His body felt hot, too hot. He could feel the blood pumping inside of him. He could count each breath he was taking. The air was sticking to him. He could be drowning it would be the same feeling. Everything felt heavy. Shane knew he was not having a panic attack. That was not what it was. He just needed to admit it. Everytime it was harder and harder. The goodbyes ... Saying goodbye to Ilya was never easy, taking the road and going back to the reality was hell to him. He dreaded thoses days, the last moments together. He still had time. After all it was only 2pm. He was leaving around 11am. He had practice at 4pm tomorrow. So it meant plenty of time. But it was not plenty of time. It was sleep together. Thoses were precious too. But Shane wanted more. More time, more moments, more sleep, more Ilya.
They had two days off. It was definitly exceptional and so very rare. They usually only have a night together until one of them had to go back to their respective job or life. But they had two wonderful nights and two days and a half to enjoy together. It had been heaven. They had been giddy like two teenagers reunited. Shane felt his smile raising when he thought about how Ilya's body crushed into his when he parked the car. He still felt his hot breath on his neck, the kisses Ilya gave him all around his face, the hands on his body pulling him closer and closer. He missed Ilya. Which made Shane scoffed. He was in Ilya's bed right now, but he missed him. And he couldn't find sleep. And Shane sighed again.
Shane decided to let the lights on and to lie down on his side, on Ilya's side and to just look at him. He was going to count the moles he could see until he would fall asleep. He was going to look at his peacefully boyfriend, take him in as much as he could until they could see each other again.... Which Shane knew it would be in 2 weeks for their next game against each other. That was a hard thought to have. 2 fucking long weeks. They had been apart for longer periods since they became boyfriends. But it was rare. Usually they could at least squeeze a night together between flights, or games. But from the look of they wouldn't be able to have that. They both tried to check every possibilities and they couldn't find a way to really have a night together during thoses 2weeks. It was a hard blow. His throat tightened at the thought, his heart was heavy, and he could feel his eyes watered. No Ilya for 2 damn weeks. It was unfair.
Ilya was his everything now. They had been together for more than 2 years. It had been difficult but wonderful. Their plan worked. They were only 2 hours away. It was his dream. The moments they spend together passed too quickly for sure. But the memories of it were the best. They had so much fun together. Shane was Ilya's boyfriend but also his bestfriend. But the goodbyes were always a pain. And each time it was harder and harder. Shane knew it was the same for Ilya even if he was much better at hidding it.
Shane was looking over Ilya. His boyfriend was super hot there were not denying on that. But he was not only hot, he was beautiful, magnificient even. He looked like a greek God. Even when he was snoring and drooling on his pillow, Shane felt the many butterflies he had for this man low in his belly. Ilya looked so much younger when he was sleeping. He had no barriers, no mask. The sadness, the cockiness, the confidence were all out. Only remain on his face the boyish look, the innocence. Shane smiled softly. It was ridiculous to look at Ilya like this. But it was working. Shane felt the pain slow down a little. His breathing steadied. Ilya was there, Ilya was peacefull.
His boyfriend probably felt Shane around him because he moved a little in his sleep and opened his eyes for a couple of seconds before closing them back. He sighed and opened carefully his eyes. Ilya groaned softly.
"This is creepy" Ilya's accent was even stronger with how sleepy his voice was.
"Sorry" simply said Shane but didn't make a move to do something about it.
"What are doing ?" Ilya frowned, eyes closed
"Watching you" Shane scrunched his noses.
"Stop it" Ilya whispered. His voice and eyes were sleepy as hell but still fond.
"Sorry baby"
"Hum ... I know I am good to look at but this is still creepy"
Ilya closed his sleepy eyes again and Shane huffed. He opened his eyes once again, frowned and focused on Shane's.
"Are you okay ?"
"Yes. I am. Go back to sleep." Shane was far from convincing.
Ilya sighed, his body came closer to Shane. His fingers brushed Shane's cheek softly, Ilya's finger brushed over his freckles and then his eyes.
"Sweetheart, the lights are on. I can see your eyes... Are you okay ?" Ilya's tone was soft, loving. Shane's heart melted.
"Don't worry baby. I am fine"
"Shane, my love, it is not because your tears don't fall out of the eyes that they are not there. I see the water..." Ilya brushed Shane's face all over again. The chin, the freckles, the nose, the eyes. He stopped at the temple "Tell me what is in there ?" While he tapped over his brain.
"It nothing really. Stupid. I am stupid"
"No. Don't say that. Never stupid." This time Ilya used a firm tone, clearly not fine with letting Shane believe he was stupid. "Tell me" more softly this time.
"It's just ... I was thinking.... I am going to miss you Ilya" Shane could hear his voice shaking. He tried to hold back his tears but he knew one of them fell anyway, his lips trembled.
"Ooooh sweetheart" Ilya came even closer to Shane if that was possible. He pressed a kiss on the cheek where the tears fell.
"I am sorry" Shane sniffled holding back more tears.
"Don't be."... He paused. "Do you want to cry ?"
Shane nodded not trusting his voice.
"Do you want me to hold you ?"
Shane nodded again. Ilya took Shane's face and pulled him on the crook of his neck, he tangled their legs together, his arms went all around Shane. Shane couldn't hold it anymore. The tears fell down from his eyes. Ilya's hand rubbed his back, petted his hair. Shane sobbed. He let everything he was holding back and gave in, in Ilya's embrace. Shane was safe there. He felt a bit stupid, like a cry baby. But Ilya was not judging him. No Ilya was holding him so tight, so close. He pressed tiny kisses into his hair and on his temple. And he smoothed Shane by hushing him and rocking him.
“It's okay sweetheart. We are okay” Ilya's voice was so soft and reassurring.
"Ilya... I am sorry for waking you up" Shane said weakly
"My love. Stop saying sorry" Ilya said softly "I get it"
Shane looked over Ilya, a bit surprised at the words. "You do ?"
"Of course I do" Ilya kissed his nose. "I hate being away from you"
Shane let the words settle in his head. He knew how he felt but he never considered Ilya could feel the same. Of course he knew Ilya missed him too, but he never really took a step back and consider he could feel the same ache inside his heart. He kind of felt stupid for crying when Ilya was probably feeling the same way.
"I... I feel it's harder everytime" Shane felt a sob comming in his throat again. He let it happen. He was not going to hide from Ilya.
"Yes" Ilya's eyes seemed to watered too.
"I love you" Shane's arms hold tighter on Ilya.
"I love you too Shane" Ilya's voice was shaky.
"You should be asleep and not crying with me right now" Shane said in Ilya's neck
"And yet look at what you did ?" Ilya huffed."Now I am crying too. Congratulations Hollander"
Ilya was teasing Shane because this was who he was. Shane knew Ilya was trying to make him laugh and forget the pain and the hurt in his heart.
"Sorry" Shane laughed weakly
"Oh my God. Stop saying sorry. Dont be sorry for waking me up, or for being sad, or for loving me. Never." Ilya said it in a frustrating but loving tone, rolling his eyes.
"I just … I love being here with you" Shane locked his eyes on Ilya's. "I love sleeping next to you and being in your arm... I know I will miss it so much tomorrow"
"Yes. Me too. So much ... But we will see each other soon yes ?" He paused “When I beat you on the ice in 2 weeks ” He grinned
"You wish” Shane huffed “I am going beat your ass”
Ilya snorted and hold Shane tighter in his arms. He nuzzled his nose into Shane's neck.
“Hum. I will beat yours after then” he teased
“I hate you asshole”
“Nooooo you looove me so much” Ilya pouted exaggeratly
Shane laughed and kissed Ilya's lips softly.
“Yeah I do”
They stayed snuggled together in silence for a couple of minutes.
“You feel better my love ?”
Shane sighed and thought about it.
“Yes.... Thank you” Shane kissed Ilya again “Baby ? Can you keep holding me for the night ?”
“Oh trust me I will not let you go”
After a couple of minutes Shane felt his body relax into Ilya's arms, his eyes were heavier and heavier. And he finally fell asleep with a content smile on his face, and Ilya's nose nuzzled in his neck.
----
Two weeks later, Shane's body was buzzing. He could see Ilya from across the rink, streching, talking to his boys. Their eyes met for a few seconds, Shane wanted to skate over Ilya, take him into an embrace, kiss him hard and tell him how much he missed him and how much he loved him. Instead he just nodded and smiled lightly. Ilya did the same. It felt professional, not them at all. Shane felt his stomach twitch. On the ice, It was also harder and harder to pretend to not want things to be different.
Shane shoke his head and tried to compartimentalize his thoughts. The game was about to start. He needed to get into the right mindset. He loved playing against Ilya. He loved winning to him even if winning against the Centaurs was less a challenge than winning against Boston. But the competition between them was still something they both loved. They also loved the aftergame together of course.
The first period was actually rougher than Shane had expected. The Centaurs were on fire, they worked better as a team. He could feel the pride Ilya had for them. Montreal was still winning, but Ottawa made it harder than before. During the break, in the locker, Coach Thierault made a speech supposedly to motivate them but he was harsher than Shane would have wanted. He was angry at them for not being better. Everyone had their heads down, looking at the floor, not crossing eyes with Coach. Once he finished his speech, the guys tried to motivate themselves again, clapping their sticks together, yelling about destroying and humiliating The Centaurs.
Once on the ice Shane locked eyes with Ilya again. Ilya winked at him. Shane felt his face hot and red. The fucker. It was definitly not acceptable to flirt on the ice like that. He took a deep breath and put his head back in the game.
Two minutes later, Ilya was rushing toward Metros' net full blast. Shane was skating as fast as he could behind him. That was when it happenned. One of Shane's teammates hit Ilya from the side. Ilya didn't see him and his body got push hard against the board, his head hit the glass behind him, his whole body collapsed from the shock. Shane saw it all. His breath catched. His throat got tight. His body froze into place. Ilya was laying on the ice, rocking his body. Shane saw his face wincing from pain. The medic team rushed next to Ilya and tried to put him on the strecher. Shane's body was still stuck in place, not able to move, not able to look away. His breathing was racing same as his heart. He couldn't go next to Ilya and hold his hands. He wanted to, so bad, but he couldn't.
The arena was quiet.
The arena was quiet until Ilya got up on his feet. Shane almost cried at the sight. Ilya was on his feet. He was breathing and well. Maybe not well. He still seemed in pain. But at least he was on his feet. Shane couldn't hear what Ilya was saying with the medics. They seemed to argue back and forth. Ilya nodded a couple of times. And the medic team went back to their side of the arena. Shane looked over Ilya, asking for reassurance. He should be with the medic team to get a check up, to see of there were no concussion, to see if it was safe to keep playing. He shouldn't be on his feet ready to keep playing. Instead he gave Shane a soft smile.
They got into a face off after that. Shane couldn't help himself.
“You should be out Ilya. Are you okay ?”
Ilya snorted “Out ? So you could outrun me Hollander ?”
“I am serious Ilya”
“I am fine. It was nothing. He is baby Metro. I can play” Ilya locked his gaze to Shane's
“Your ribs ? Your head ?”
“Fine” He grinned. “Focus on your weak backhand”
“Fuck off”
The puck got dropped. Shane won the face off. Ilya was a bit slower than usual. He was still skating fast because he was one of the best player. But his feet were not as fast. Shane could see the muscles on his jaw clenching, the eyes wincing from the pain, maybe from the ribs, or from his all body. It was a hard hit. Ilya knew it, Shane knew it. Everyone knew it. Shane kept telling himself Ilya shoudn't be playing. He should be in the medic bay, not on the ice. But Ilya was as stubborn as him. And Ilya loved to play agaisnt Shane. He probably argued with the medics over this before they gave up. Because as stubborn as he was, he was also fucking persuasive when he wanted. No one could say no to that beautiful man.
The game kept going. Shane scored a second time. He was thrilling. His teammates congratulated him, hugged him and tapped their helmets together. Shane looked at Coach Thierault who gave him a quick nod and a quick applause. Then he looked over Ilya from the corner of his eyes. He saw him shaking his head and recentered himself. Troy was next to him, holding his arms and talking to him. Shane wondered what was it about. Ilya was probably fussing about Shane scoring to his team.
The game kept going. Luca Haas scored, letting Coach Thierault yelled at his team and at Shane to get their head straight. Metros was still winning. Luca was full happy. Ilya took him in his arm and kissed his helmet. Shane felt almost some jealousy inside of his stomach. He wanted Ilya to kiss him when he score too. He laughed at himself.
It was time for another face off. Shane skated to the center of the rink. Ilya was doing the same, but slower. Shane saw him almost stumbled to his feet before catching himself. Ilya got in front of Shane. Shane looked over him. Ilya looked pale.
“Are you okay ?” Shane whispered
Ilya didn't answer. Shane could feel something was off. Ilya's breath was raging, he was sweating more than usual. His eyes kept blinking. He shook his head and almost lose balance.
“Ilya ?”
Ilya still didn't look at him. He was in front of him but Shane felt like he was not really there. His eyes were not focusing. Shane was now panicking inside. He wanted to reach for him.
“Ilya ?” Shane again a little louder this time.
It seemed to work. Ilya looked over Shane, blinked again and again. His eyes were teary. He was breathing hard.
“I …. Shane … I don't feel good”
Shane felt his own breathing race. Ilya's knees gave up and fell on the floor. Because he could collapsed face down, Shane closed the distance between them and catched him into his arms. They both fell on the ice, Shane was on his ass, Ilya in his arms, looking over him.