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The rhythmic ticking of the clock feels, to Shane, sort of like a bomb getting ready to explode.
The room is far too quiet and the clock’s slow tick, tick, tick is the only thing making any kind of sound but Shane wants to turn it off. He wants to rip his ear drums out or destroy the clock, whichever makes the ticking stop first.
Ilya hasn’t said a word to him, not yet, and he knows that it’s definitely not because of any anger or anything, Shane knows that for sure, but the silence is killing him. They only just got home a few minutes ago and, immediately, they were greeted by a very excited Anya.
They fed her and only after she was calmed down did they take their places on the couch to settle down for a little bit after that night. They have a shower and sleep ahead of them but, for right now, they need a moment.
Both of them, together.
Which is where they are now, torturing Shane with the sound of their clock on the wall.
He can’t take it anymore.
He’s already drained from the night of being around people he doesn’t know very well yet, having to keep up appearances and try his best to socialize properly. He’s tired to his bones and he knows Ilya is, too.
But he knows he’s not tired because of the socialization, Ilya lives for that shit most of the time, he’s tired in a different way and Shane knows exactly why.
So, he decides to be the one to break the silence (because he needs to, he can’t handle it anymore), “You want to talk about it, don’t you?”
Ilya nods, looking up at Shane and, god, the look on his face absolutely breaks him. Ilya takes a deep breath and his words are soft, almost hesitant, “I remember that night very well. Of course I do. You were…” He smiles into a deep breath and his eyes flicker to every single part of Shane, breathing the next word out, “Perfect. I remember wanting you so fucking bad that night, I could barely resist you, Shane. Then Russia got brought up and it clouded my mind, I was made to remember that I was actually going to have to go back and how much I really didn’t want to. I didn’t even notice how you were affected and-”
“Hey,” Shane furrows his eyebrows and shakes his head, bringing his hand up to Ilya’s face and holding it steady. He makes sure that their eyes lock, “you don’t need to feel bad for it now,” He doesn’t hesitate to press a kiss to Ilya’s lips.
Ilya latches onto him immediately, bringing both of his hands to just above Shane’s hips, as if to steady himself.
The kiss doesn’t go too far because Shane pulls back, smiling softly, “See? I get to kiss you whenever I want now. That night doesn’t matter anymore.”
And, really, it doesn’t. Sure, Shane still thinks about it sometimes but it doesn’t mean he’s mad at Ilya or anything. He just wishes things had gone differently that night so, of course, it crosses his mind every once in a while. But it’s in the past and that’s that.
“Yes,” Ilya smiles but Shane can see the sadness behind it, like he’s not fully satisfied. Not fully convinced.
Shane asks because he's not going to let them go to bed without talking all of this out.
Ilya takes the moment immediately, “I just- You still think about it. So much that, apparently, if you could go back in time, you would’ve sent that text. I did not know I hurt you so much that night. And the worst part of it all is that I really wanted to kiss you, I wanted to kiss you so bad, moya lyubov. But I didn’t and it hurt you. I hurt you and-”
“Ilya,” Shane can’t help it, he has to kiss him again. He gives him a few gentle kisses before speaking again, “it’s not all on you. I could’ve said something, too. I could’ve kissed you, too, but I didn’t either. I just left. That’s why I answered the question the way I did. I was thinking that maybe if I had sent that text, if I had done things differently, that night wouldn’t have ended the way it did.”
Silence.
“I just- I don’t think we should dwell on the past. Yeah,” Shane pauses for a moment, “it hurt me but it seems like it hurt you just as much and you had so much on your mind back then. You shouldn’t have had to worry about a stupid kiss. It’s nobody’s fault.”
“You are right,” Ilya says before leaning backward, one of his hands coming up to point, “but don’t you get used to me saying that. You will not hear it from me in any other circumstance.”
Shane laughs, unable to hold back the roll of his eyes.
He’s so fucking fond of this man that it actually physically pains him sometimes. He doesn’t know what to do with it, he doesn’t know where to put it half of the time.
The smirk doesn’t take long to appear on Ilya’s face, “You are not right about one thing, though.”
“Hm?” Shane questions.
Ilya doesn’t answer right away, he takes a moment and it sort of makes Shane nervous until Ilya does finally speak, “It would not have been a stupid kiss.”
Shane nods, whispering softly, “Okay, yeah.”
They don’t say anything else for a while, they just stare at each other in the silence.
Shane doesn’t hear the ticking of the clock anymore, all he hears now is his own breathing. Ilya’s breathing. His own thoughts, thinking about pulling Ilya in right this second and completely devouring him.
Ilya’s the one who breaks, practically whining, “C’mere.”
Shane needs the kiss so badly that it feels almost as if their lips were magnetized together, they connected immediately, barely able to break apart for air.
They’re both a little too tired to bring much passion into it, it’s moreso them lazily working their mouths together, just needing to be closer to one another.
It’s all they have the energy for and when Shane breaks it apart to mention they still need to shower before they can go to bed, the lazy makeout only continues (but this time under the shower head, in between productivity).
By the time they’re ready for bed, they both fall deep into the mattress and press up against each other, not wanting to let go for anything.
“I love you, Ilya,” Shane whispers into his ear, his hand rubbing against the bare skin of Ilya’s arm, hugging it tightly, pressing his back into Ilya heavily.
Ilya squeezes him, whispering back, “Oh, Shane, ya tak sil'no tebya lyublyu,” the emotion in his voice is so raw, it’s something Shane knows is reserved for only him.
Sleep takes them both away before they know it.