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1. Getting Lost Somewhere
Dean just needed to get away for a while. If it wasn’t Sam up his ass bugging him about something, fussing over something, or nagging about….well, anything, it was Cas. It made Dean want to put his fist through a wall or tear his hair out. Sam, he could go toe to toe with his brother. Deal with their anger in a good old, immature “I’m not talking to you because you’re a stupid idiot” standoff until one of them gave in and finally began talking to the other one, but he couldn’t do that with Cas. No, Cas wanted to use his words. He wanted to understand, to know the reason behind why Dean was upset, and then he wanted to freaking work through it. Not today though. Today was for avoidance. He was good at that anyway.
That was how Dean found himself cruising along, music blasting, windows open, no particular destination in mind. He just needed to be elsewhere. Cas was pressing for….something, and Dean wasn’t exactly sure he could give it. It wasn’t like he didn’t care about the former angel. Fuck, he cared way more than he had any right to, but actually saying the L word? Dean Winchester didn’t say that. Only Sam got to hear those words. And therein lied the problem. What he felt for Cas? While he wasn’t really wanting to do a self-examination of his feelings, it was, for all intent and purpose…love. And wasn’t that a bitch?
Dean felt like he had already run a marathon riddled with mile high hurdles just admitting finally that he cared for Cas as more than just a friend, and even that had taken him 8 years. Well, truthfully, in the beginning he’d just wanted to fuck the angel. Or more precisely, his vessel. Then he got to know Castiel. Sweet, loyal, obtuse Castiel, warrior and angel of the Lord, and fuck if he hadn’t fallen hard. He’d kept that to himself though, until he felt like he would burst with that knowledge, until even Sam was noticing that something was off with him, until Castiel noticed something was wrong. And then the angel had cornered him one night, asked him to join him at the bar near the bunker. Cas didn’t need to drink, but Dean liked to , and anything Dean liked, he wanted to be a part of it. That should have been a sign right there, but Dean had a bad habit of blocking out what he didn’t want to see, or what he wasn’t ready for. And so they had headed to the bar and Castiel had plied Dean with whiskey and shots of tequila, and then…
He’d started talking about innocuous things at first. The nice things Dean always did for him that he appreciated, and of course Dean had been proud of that. He took care of the people he loved, and Cas was squarely in the category of people he loved. Then the conversation had turned about, and they’d gotten to talking about Sam, and how Dean had taken care of him when they were kids. Of course Dean had launched into one of a dozen stories about something he and Sam had done while on the road as children, and Cas, even though he knew every single story and could probably recite them word for word, he listened, giving Dean his undivided attention. No one, not even Sam did that. Somehow the conversation had turned to what a good brother he was (debatable), and what a good man he was (Cas was clearly off his rocker on that one), and how the angel wouldn’t have stuck around if he couldn’t see the good in Dean, and why couldn’t Dean just believe him for once? It caused a fight that led to Dean’s intoxicated lips spilling much more than he’d intended. In an angry, drunken confession Dean had let everything spill. About his initial attraction, to realizing he actually liked Castiel the angel, to the incredible guilt he still carried around over sending him away once he’d fallen that first time, to how he felt right there, in that moment. Of course even in a state of intoxication, the L word would just not come out. But he’d told Cas he cared deeply about him, and he’d meant it.
He hadn’t expected to hear anything in return. He hadn’t expected Cas to feel anything towards him except maybe friendship, but Cas had turned his world upside down in that bar parking lot that night. He’d confessed that the same way Dean felt about him, he also felt about Dean, though it had taken him a little longer to understand what exactly he was feeling. Never one to second guess a decision, Cas had decided that Dean was important to him as more than just his ward, and as more than a friend. He’d confessed that for several years now he had been imagining Dean naked. Yes, after putting his back together with his own hands after hell he knew what Dean’s naked form looked like, but what he didn’t know is how Dean’s cock would look when it was hard and flushed with arousal, or how dark his green eyes would get if he was deep inside the angel, or his favorite pondering of all; how would those freckles taste if Cas got the chance to put his mouth on them? That had been enough to break down whatever wall had been between them, and rather than head back to the bunker and traumatize Sam, they’d rented a motel room, picked up a bottle of lube (Cas had done that in mere seconds making Dean wonder later if the angel hadn’t popped in at a WalMart somewhere and just stolen a bottle), and proceeded to let years’ worth of sexual tension get worked out over the course of the next 3 days.
Dean had expected a freak out after that. Hell, he freaked out over everything else, why not freak out over being in love with an angel, and having that angel love him in return? Because even though they hadn’t said it, he knew Cas loved him. There had been some awkwardness when they finally got back to the bunker and had to explain things to Sam, but after that it had been pretty smooth sailing. Until now. That brought Dean back around to the present and why he was driving aimlessly, still without a destination in mind. Because last night, Cas had told him he loved him. Fallen now, for good this time, Cas had confessed the thing Dean’s heart had ached most to hear, and what had Dean done?
Abso-freaking-lutely nothing. He’d looked into those blue eyes, his brain saying the words his mouth couldn’t…
I love you, Cas
I love you so freaking much
God, how can one person love someone this much?
I love you, Cas, with everything I am
But the words never passed his lips. Instead, he’d kissed Cas, kissed him until he was gasping for air and clinging to Dean like they were adrift on a stormy sea and Dean was his lifeline, and then they’d made love. He’d told Cas how beautiful he was, how amazing, how perfect he was, the words he wanted to say tucked deep inside the meaning behind these, hoping Cas would understand what he couldn’t say. They’d made love then, slowly. Only with Cas could Dean ever call it anything but sex, or fucking. With Cas, everything was beautiful, was perfect. Cas was the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. He loved him. Why the hell couldn’t he just say it?!
Of course Cas had awoken first the next morning, winding his arms and legs around Dean and kissing him awake. Once Dean had begun to rise to consciousness, he had repeated the same words from the night before.
I love you
And Dean tried to kiss him, to convey with touch what he was unable to with words, but there was something in those blue eyes that looked too damn much like hurt when he didn’t say it back, and when he reached for Cas, he pulled away. That was probably the most painful thing Dean had ever experienced. So when Cas had gotten up to go to the bathroom, Dean had quickly gotten dressed and snuck out. His phone sat on the seat next to him, silent. Truthfully, he’d expected several worried calls from Cas, or a lecturing call from Sam about what a fool he was, and how he was hurting the man he loved. Did he really think Dean didn’t know that already?!
Frustrated, Dean looked at the signs as he drove. They were unfamiliar and he realized that while he’d been lost in his thoughts, trying to figure out a way to fix this damn problem he had caused, he’d also managed to physically get himself lost. With a grunt he turned the car around. Getting away was one thing. Getting lost was something else entirely, and he wasn’t looking to do that. His phone chimed suddenly with a text message and Dean’s heart leapt into his chest. What if Cas wanted to break up? What if Dean’s inability to say those 3 little words would push away the man he loved more than life itself? His heart ached so fierce at that thought it left him clutching the wheel so tight his hands locked and he was left gasping for air. He pulled the car over and pried his fingers from the wheel. Cas was his everything. He couldn’t lose him. He loved Cas. He loved Cas. HE LOVED CAS!!!
He grabbed the phone and unlocked it. His heart began to race when he saw it was from Cas.
Cas: I’m sorry, please come back. I shouldn’t have said it, you weren’t ready. I didn’t mean to scare you away. I mean it, but I won’t say it again if it means losing you. Please, Dean, come back!
Dean’s breath hitched. It hadn’t even dawned on him that Cas could be sitting there blaming himself. Cas wasn’t the one at fault here, he was! There were tears in his eyes and a lump in his throat as he dialed Cas’ number and put the phone to his ear.
“Dean? Where are you? Why did you leave? I’m sorry!” Cas was crying. Dean hated himself more than ever for causing even more pain to this man.
“No, baby, stop. I’m the one who should be sorry. I just needed to get my head straight, to have the time I needed to think and work through things, but the one thing I have never, ever needed to think through is how I feel about you. When you told me last night that you loved me? Sweetheart, that was everything I ever dreamed of hearing. You made me so incredibly happy, and I wanted to say it back, but the words wouldn’t come. Love…it’s not something we talked about when I was growing up. I heard it from my mom, but not my dad. He taught us that love made us weaker, and made it easier to be used against one another, but I love Sam, and it didn’t matter how often some asshole came along and tried that crap, I always went after him and saved him, and he’s done the same for me and Cas?”
“Yes, Dean?” Cas’ deep, gravely voice was small, fearful, and Dean hated hearing him like that.
“I love you, Cas. I love you so much that it feels like I might burst at times. It’s the most wonderful and the most terrifying thing I have ever experienced in my life, and I would never let anyone use you to get to me. I will always come for you, Cas. I always have, and I always will. I love you now and I will love you for the rest of my life. I’m sorry I hurt you by not saying it back this morning, and by leaving. I’m an asshole and why you put up with me, I’ll never know, but I’m so very grateful that you do.” It felt like a huge weight had suddenly been lifted off his shoulders by finally admitting how he felt. Fuck John Winchester’s parenting. It was good to love someone, and to be loved in return.
“Oh, Dean, I love you! Please come home, darling! I need you here with me! Come back!” Cas was crying even harder but he sounded so happy. Dean wanted to be there to kiss his tears away. He pulled his car back onto the road.
“I’m a little lost right now, Cas, but I’m on my way back, ok? And when I get there, I’m going to kiss you senseless and tell you how much I love you in person, ok?”
“Yes, Dean, I want that. How far away are you?”
“Too far from you, baby. But I’ll be there soon, I promise.” Dean spotted a road sign that looked familiar. It wouldn’t be too far now.
“Hurry.” Cas whispered.
“I’m on my way.” Dean promised. He wasn’t going to run away from his responsibilities or his problems anymore. It was time to start acting like the damn grown up he was supposed to be, and part of that was putting other peoples’ feelings into consideration. No, he wouldn’t do this to Cas again. It was time to go home where he belonged.