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Sam woke early. He didn’t think he’d even slept 4 hours the whole night. Coffee was needed, so he shuffled his way into the kitchen where he discovered he was not the only early bird in the bunker this morning.
“Hey, Cas.” His voice was still rough with sleep but at least his words were clear. Cas was sitting at the table, hands wrapped around a steaming mug of coffee, wearing Dean’s robe. Sam hoped he was wearing something underneath it as it hung open. Currently, from his position by the coffee pot where he was pouring his own coffee, he couldn’t tell.
“Morning.” Cas’ voice was just as thick with sleep.
“Dean still asleep?” Sam asked as he sat down at the table and oh thank God, Cas was shirtless, but at least he had on boxers under the robe.
“Yes. He had nightmares most of the night. He just fell into a dreamless sleep finally about an hour ago.” Cas replied. He was staring blearily at a spot somewhere over Sam’s shoulder. Sam felt bad for him, he probably hadn’t gotten any sleep himself.
Since being pulled out of hell, Dean had suffered nightmares. Sam had witnessed more than he cared to think about over the years and before he’d fallen, Cas used to watch over Dean as he slept and the moment he sensed a nightmare forming, he’d been able, with just a simple touch to banish it back to where it had come from. Now though? Cas had chosen humanity, a life with Dean over an angelic existence without him, and still the nightmares came. Not every night, but they still came. Even as happy as Dean was now, and as good as he believed his life to be, the nightmares still snuck in, seizing hold of his sleeping mind and wreaking havoc that had him thrashing and screaming until he was hoarse, trembling and crying out for someone, anyone to save him. Those nights were the worst. When the nightmares came Cas would stay up, whispering softly to Dean’s tormented mind, reminding him that he was safe, that he was loved, and that nothing bad was going to happen to him. Sometimes a gentle touch and a reassuring whisper was enough to chase the monsters that plagued Dean’s dreams away, but sometimes, like tonight, nothing could pull him out of hell. Not even Cas. On those nights Sam didn’t sleep either. It was why, after barely 4 hours of sleep throughout the long night, he was awake and ready to chug down an entire pot of coffee.
“Were you able to wake him at all?”
Cas sighed and slowly his bleary eyes focused on Sam’s face.
“Yes, twice. I had to slap him awake. It hurts me to have to do that to him, but he scares me when I can’t pull him out. The last one…It was bad. I believe he was reliving being flayed alive. He was crying for me.”
It hurt Sam deeply know what his brother had endured, and what he had sacrificed so Sam could live
. Dean didn’t talk about his time in hell. It was an off limits topic for the older hunter, but for Cas, it was something he needed to talk about. What Dean did not realize was how badly the former angel was traumatized, both by actually seeing into Dean’s soul and seeing how badly he had been damaged, and seeing how still, years later, he suffered from the nightmarish reminders of that period in his life. All Sam could do was listen when Cas needed him to.
“How was he when you woke him?” Sam asked. Cas’ expression was troubled. Dean’s pain was his pain.
“The first time, he broke down. I’ve never seen him cry like that. He was almost inconsolable. At first I wasn’t sure he recognized me, but he grabbed onto my shirt and clung to it. I held him and called him the sweet names that he calls me. It seemed to sooth him.”
“Damn. I would tell him to try therapy but a therapist would try to explain that hell is just a metaphor for the troubles in his life, or some crap like that. That would only piss Dean off.” Sam sighed heavily before taking a sip of his coffee. Cas made a noise that he assumed was an agreement of sorts. Curious, Sam had to ask about the pet names.
“Dean calls you pet names?”
Cas nodded. “You have heard them. Well, most of them. Usually he’ll call me sweetheart, or babe. Sometimes though, he’ll use things that I believe are meant to be…” He tilted his head and pursed his lips as he tried to find the right way to explain it.
“Something private to convey how important you truly are to him?” Sam guessed. Cas nodded.
“Yes. He’ll call me precious, or beloved. Your brother is quite affectionate when he knows there are no other people watching.”
“And do you feel like he loves you?” Sam was curious. He’d never heard Dean say those words to Cas, but that didn’t mean he hadn’t.
“I know I’m loved. He tells me so, with his words, his actions, his touch. I believe I am loved and needed because of him.” A soft smile formed on his lips. “I rather like being called precious and beautiful, though I disliked that second one at first as I assumed he was referring to my physical form. He explained that he calls me beautiful because, although he cannot see the soul with which my father gifted me after I asked to stay, he can feel it, and he says it is the most beautiful thing he has ever witnessed. I know he finds my human body attractive, but he tells me that my soul is what he is most drawn to.”
“That’s great, Cas. I sort of suspected he was a romantic. He just acts too tough all the time not to be a bit mushy on the inside.” Sam joked. Cas smiled a little wider.
“He is very mushy on the inside. Though I have no one to really compare him to aside from you, I have come to the conclusion that most men are not so free with their affections as Dean is. I had not thought myself to be someone that could ever be affected by terms of endearment, but apparently I was wrong.” Cas blushed suddenly and dropped his gaze down to his coffee. “He tells me he loves me deeply, as though I am the other half of his heart, and while I disagree completely, he tells me I am the most beautiful thing my Father has ever created.”
“And you think it’s him, don’t you.” Sam laughed. Cas grinned, his blue eyes bright with the love he felt for Dean.
“Dean is the most beautiful of my Father’s creations. If only you saw what I saw. His soul…it is magnificent. Brighter than any star in heaven. That is one of the things I miss about being an angel. Getting to look upon his soul, to feel its warmth and the way it reached out to me. I can still feel that, it’s just…not quite the same. However…” The former angel smiled wickedly. “His physical form is very appealing and I quite like looking upon it.”
Sam laughed softly, not wanting to wake his brother.
“Yeah, well, if that’s what floats your boat, more power to you. I’m glad you two have each other. He needs you.”
Cas smiled happily. It was much nicer to see than his troubled expression from earlier. Movement in the doorway drew Sam’s attention and he looked up to see Dean standing there, eyes puffy with sleep.
“Babe?”
Cas practically whipped around at the sound of his voice.
“Dean, what are you doing out of bed? Did you have another nightmare?” He was already on his feet and rushing to his lover’s side. Dean glanced at Sam before turning sleepy eyes on the man he loved.
“No, baby, I just…I woke up to pee and you were gone. Did I chase you from the bed?” His fingers tugged lightly at the robe Cas wore until the man stepped closer.
“No, sweetheart. You fell into a peaceful sleep finally and I didn’t want to be the one to accidentally wake you. I wanted to give you time to sleep.” Cas carded his fingers through Dean’s hair, smiling when the hunter’s eyes fluttered closed and he leaned into his touch. When they opened again, he could see the love in those green orbs, and it warmed him as nothing else could.
“I can’t sleep without you. Come back to bed?”
Cas was unashamed and felt no embarrassment where Dean was concerned. He thought nothing of leaning in to kiss his hunter tenderly. Dean of course blushed, his gaze flickering briefly over to his brother who had a happy smile on his face.
“Of course, darling. Let me just put my cup in the sink and I’ll meet you in the bedroom.”
Dean kissed him once more before giving a nod to Sam and turning back towards the bedroom. Cas walked back to the table to pick up his mug.
“You’ve definitely had a positive effect on my brother. Thank you for that. I like seeing him happy. Maybe one day the nightmares will finally end. Keep telling him how much you love him, and I think…” Sam tapped his fingers against the side of his mug as he smiled. “That one day the power of your love will outweigh the power of his nightmares. They’ve lessened already with you here permanently. Keep telling him you love him, and how precious he is to you. He may not act like it, but he needs to hear it.”
Cas smiled. “I will always tell him how much I love him, and how important he is to me. I too hope that one day it will be enough to chase away the nightmares for good, but even if it isn’t, I will never stop loving him, or telling him.”
Sam watched his friend rinse out his mug and place it in the dishrack before leaving the kitchen. He no longer had to wonder if his brother knew how loved he was, or if Dean knew. Cas’ love for his brother shined in his eyes, and Dean was drawn to that like a moth to a flame. It was something beautiful to witness, even if Dean went out of his way to hide that side of himself from anyone but Cas. In the end, it was what he did and said to Cas that mattered most. Sam found himself hoping that maybe one day he would find someone that could love him as much as his brother and Cas loved one another. Maybe someone that would believe he was precious and dare he say, beautiful. They gave him hope.