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What is it to be the second best?
Is it to be shunned to the side? To try to hide your pain from even your loved ones? Would you even be validated by these feelings to begin with?
Those were questions that shrouded Zuko’s mind as he sat on the edge of the mountaintop in the dead of night. The only sound through his ears was the wind blowing through them and the small chirps of the small animals of the night.
A storm was swirling in his mind as his eyes began to damp; was he truly just difficult to love?
So difficult that he caused his very family pain? That made him so friendless? SO disliked? Even though he knows that he is surrounded by love.
A type of love so unfamiliar to the firebender.
He remembered feeling something like this when he was younger; it felt like a hearth surrounding him like a hug. When was the last time he was hugged? Held like he was someone’s entire world.
Of course, he knew Sokka loved him, but first, he hated him. Hell, everyone here hated him at some point. Some still do.
What was it about Zuko that made him so hateable? Was it his family? His personality? His looks? His attitude?
Maybe all of it.
How could he know, though? He was just the second-best child of Ozai.
He didn’t have what Azula had; how could he? Azula had it all: the looks, the admiration, the personality, everything. He was supposed to be the older sibling to take the throne, and now?
Zuko was nothing.
Nothing more than a nuisance to all those around him, like a virus. Everything he touched turned to ash, but everything Azula touched turned to gold.
They were like night and day, except everyone loved the sun; they liked her warm embrace, her strong appearance, the joy and stability she brought.
But what was he now? Zuko used to be a sun.
He used to be the sun, having an orbit of people surrounding him, loving him, admiring him. He used to be what children looked up to, but now?
He was a monster with a disfigured face.
The embodiment of anger. Of rage. Of all things hideous.
Zuko knew that if he were to be a god, he would be the most hated one of all. He would be called a ‘bad omen’ and cursed at. He would be sent away and perhaps slaughtered for the fun of it. And how was that any more different than his current situation?
It wasn't a coincidence that everyone around him disappeared, slowly but surely. And it was only a matter of time before his beloved would leave him, too.
For who could be stupid enough to love him? To prioritize him?
Even in his relationship with the nonbender, Zuko knew he was the second choice. First it was Princess Yue, then Suki, and now him. Hell, he wasn’t the second choice; he was the third!
Who was he kidding, believing that someone out there could love him?
He hurt those that loved him, his mother was gone, his father hated him, his sister hated him, his cousin was dead, and his uncle…
Iroh was better off if he were gone.
Below the mountain, Zuko’s eyes shifted down towards the moving sea. His gaze was fixated on the way the waves crashed against the rocks and boulders. The never-ending sea of deep blue. Even the moon, though shining brightly, hides from Zuko.
Covered by clouds, allowing the shadows around him to cover him, as if to take him away from the view of others. From himself.
“If only…” he started, his words silencing on their own.
If only what? Was he stronger? Better? Prettier? Smarter?
If only he had never existed?
There was nothing there that could comfort him, despite his firebending build. He felt cold. So cold. Like he was left in the snow, only to be frozen from the inside out.
Logically, he knew it was because his mental state affected a frebender's natural warmth. But in his mind, it was another reminder of how much of a failure he was. He tried so hard.
He tried to be the best in classes, to be the best in fights. To be the best son, the best heir.
And yet he still failed.
Sometimes, to Zuko, it felt like he was everything wrong in the world. His existence was a catalyst for every bad thing to happen in this era. And nothing and no one has yet to prove him wrong.
He kept glancing down, without noticing, his body moved closer to the edge. As if trying to get closer to a view that only he could see. A future without him…
Wouldn’t that be wonderful?
For him to disappear? Aang wouldn't really miss him; he’d find a better and stronger firebender to teach him. Katara hates his guts, no matter how many times he’s apologized. Toph couldn’t be bothered. Sokka…
Sokka would find someone better. Someone more compatible. Someone not as forgetful as him. Because at the end of the day, Zuko knew that he was just a stand-in for someone better. For Yue, for Suki, for the next person.
It wasn’t a surprise, really; Yue was soft and gentle. She was the moon, for goodness’ sake! The embodiment of grace and natural beauty. From what Zuko’s heard, the princess was flawless in looks and actions. She was selfless and calm, kind yet firm. She had a love for people that Zuko couldn’t afford to have. An ease that would put him in a spiral.
Now, Suki, she was strong, she was brave, and powerful. Despite being a nonbender too, she commanded an air that demanded obedience. She managed to achieve the amount of grace of a powerful ruler and the strength of a commanding general. From her movements to her mindset. Another selfless soul that fought for her people, for everyone with a heart of gold, like hers.
Then there was he. Nothing of note, nothing special, nothing new.
Just Zuko.
A traitor of his own family, a disappointment of a firebender. Disgraceful and selfish. Insecure and rude.
The raven-haired boy began to chuckle, the weight on his shoulders slumped him down like a boulder weighing against his back and crumbling his bones from the inside out. He turned to his left and saw a wilted, red flower in a sea of pure white and healthy ones.
He reached out to get it and held it close.
The red flower was dying from the edges to the inner circle. He knew what type it was: a blood red camellia. The only one in the sea of white camellias.
How could Zuko not know what it was? It was his mother’s favorite flower. In the height of midnight, he recalled moments where he snuck into her room to give her a bouquet of white camellias. Only to have his finger pricked and blood dripped onto the smallest one.
He didn't realize that his mother, Ursa, pointed it out. The feelings of disappointment in that moment were so intense.
The young prince initially wanted to throw the damaged one away, to burn it to a crisp, but just before he did, Ursula grabbed onto it. Taking it into her soft, thin hands.
She held it so delicately, you’d think it were her own child.
“But, mother, it’s…it’s ruined?” Zuko asked, child-like innocence clear in his voice, “The prettier ones are the white ones!”
Ursa kept her gaze on the red camellia, “And why is that, my little turtleduck?”
Zuko stuttered, “Because…because it means perfection! And…and adoration, mother! I respect you a lot…I love you. You shouldn’t be stuck with a ruined one because of me…” His eyes began to swell with a mist.
“Oh, but my little love,” Ursa raised her hands to Zuko’s face to caress him and gently wiped his tears away, “Always so sensitive, so kind and thoughtful…I know you will be a great ruler. You, my love, are meant to do great things.”
Zuko looked up at his mother, eyes widening in surprise. “Really?”
She smiled warmly at her son, a type of love that made him feel like the most important person in the world. He gripped the red camellia tighter.
“Then, I’ll find you hundreds of them, mother! No–thousands!”
Ursa giggled, “And I look forward to seeing them all!”
But none of those memories meant anything anymore; he was the ruined one. He was the only problem here and there, the issue that haunted so many people. He was like a bad omen that made things go from bad to worse. It didn't matter what was going on or how much of himself he changed. He was just meant to be a cursed boy.
‘Meant to do great things, ’ his ass, he wasn't even supposed to still be alive.
It didn't matter how much he tried to change or improve himself; he was just as cursed as they came, and it made someone as cruel as Azula seem angelic.
He kept staring, falling deeper and deeper into the prison that was his mind, a cage that shackled him to all the negativity in the world.
Being born a curse really sucked.
“Wahhhhhh!” wailed toddler Zuko, his small fists bundled as he held his leg close to him, nursing the scrape on his knee.
His father, Ozai, being only several feet ahead of him, didn’t even look back. His large figure was intimidating to the little boy. Ozai was filled with rage and a joy in causing pain to others. His cold gaze pierced his eyes, prinkling his skin with the sheer icy hostility.
“You are supposed to be my heir, and yet you’re here on the floor… embarrassing your heritage,” his father stated, turning his back on the child. “What ancestor of mine has cursed me with such a child as you…”
A cursed child- that’s what he was. An omen of destruction, a problem.
Zuko, who was born in the year of the goat, was the driving force that ruined the pure innocence of delicate beings, who harmed all those around him.
You could almost say that the cruelty of Azula was comparable to his presence. A heavy burden that oppressed many.
Why couldn’t he move? Why couldn’t he look up? Or move? Or be happy? Or be kind and gentle? Why was he…Zuko?
Zuko?
Zuzu?
“Oh, Zuzu…why don’t you play with me?” Azula’s figure whispered in his ear. She was younger, about 9, maybe? They used to play when Ozai was away. When did their relationship fall apart?
“Why do you always ruin things? Why were you born? Mother never loved me because of you! Why can’t you just disappear! She was 15 now, and she was angry and spiteful. Power-hungry and yet still a little girl yearning for her mother’s embrace. She was meant to be a delicate soul, but the men around her corrupted her and made her bleed. She was sweet; now she's bitter.
He used to hold her hand when they walked in the royal gardens
Why?
They used to sneak sweets in the dead of night from the kitchens, pretending to be ninjas on a mission
WHY?
Her formerly doe eyes looked at him with so much hatred it BURNED.
WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHY
His father burned him in the Agni Kai; he looked down at him like he was a mere insect, the dirt under his royal boots.
The eyes of the crowd were on him, watching his very move, watching as his failure came undone before them.
His shame, his dishonor.
The pride that he had, the respect that he gained–it was all gone now.
He used to be the brightest star in the room, a burning, shining star.
Now look at him: a filthy, dirty, hideous monster that lurks in the dead of night, hiding from the beauty and shine of the moon.
Maybe…maybe it was better if he were gone.
Zuko was frozen in his seat; the edge of the mountaintop was calling to him, echoing his sins.
His sins…
Yes, he was a sinful creature.
Aang would find someone else, someone better to teach him.
Katara would finally be glad he was gone.
Toph…would be fine; they weren't as close as they could've been.
Sokka…
Sokka would find someone better to love, to hold. Maybe he’ll finally be able to go back to Suki. Or he’ll find someone new, someone prettier, kinder, beautiful.
Someone as kind and gentle as Yue and as strong and brave as Suki. Someone that wasn’t Zuko.
But… Uncle Iroh…
He already lost this son, Zuko’s cousin. The old man had no more family to turn to. But wouldn’t it be for the best? All Zuko did was cause stress on the old man, dragging him from place to place.
Zuko ruined any sense of normalcy that they had at Ba Sing Se in their little tea shop.
Yeah, Uncle Iroh deserved some peace.
So he stood up, his balance was good, his gaze on the cool ocean. A cold breeze kisses his face.
He looked back once, maybe he was hoping someone would come to him. To stop him. To reassure him.
But that didn't happen. He was alone, like always.
Because life wasn't like the books his mother used to read to him. Life was bitter and painful. It was scary and monstrous. It was…so hard.
Life wasn't meant to be easy or kind; it was full of monsters, some good people, and a tragic ending. There wasn't a happy one; that's not possible, there wasn't a kind one—how ridiculous.
There was nothing left for him.
And he jumped, praying that the afterlife would treat him kindly.
.
.
.
But that didn’t happen.
He felt two arms wrap around his chest, pulling him up by his armpits and throwing him over his shoulder.
“What the hell were you thinking!” That voice, Zuko knew that voice, he loved that voice.
The soft gravel of it, even if the voice broke here and there. The normally easygoing tone turned serious and concerned.
He didn’t respond, just stayed on the ground and stared up at the stars. The man sat down next to Zuko, hands running through his black, silky hair. Running over his body as if to check for injuries.
Those hands were gentle, yet rough. Callouses on them, but they touched Zuko with so much softness that he melted under it.
They were just there, in silence.
One was frazzled, concerned, and his insides felt as if they were almost ripped out of him.
The other lay there, wondering where to go next from here.
The silence was deafening; it was so large and so full. The crickets in the background could only be heard, the little paws of animals wandering the woods, and the waves crashing against the rocks below.
“Why?” Zuko whispered, his eyes grew glassy, and his throat closed up
“What?” Sokka asked, his voice still tight.
Zuko looked up at him; his blue eyes were always so beautiful to look at. Like the ocean or the blue sky. Almost like the most precious earthly stones.
He could stare at those eyes for years, decades, millennia even…
Zuko sucked in his breath. “Why are you here?”
Sokka stared at him; his face was unreadable, but his hands were trembling. “Did you seriously just ask me that? Why am I here? Why were you about to jump off the ledge?”
…Zuko stayed silent, his gaze going back to the stars above.
The other boy sighed and lay down next to him, forcing his head to turn sideways.
“I’m here because you were about to leave me…I…I love you, Zuko. That’s why I’m here. I need you, I love you so fucking much.”
Zuko stared at him, love? Love?
Love always ended with someone getting hurt.
It didn't matter what type of love it was; someone got hurt.
His mother got hurt for loving his father.
His sister got hurt for loving their mother.
His uncle got hurt for loving his son.
He got hurt for loving his father.
Maybe his family was just cursed to have love only end in despair.
“You…,” his voice faltered, “You will be fine…without me…”
There was another silence. And it ate the golden-eyed boy alive.
“That’s bullshit, and you know it.” Sokka sat up,
Don’t leave me… Zuko caught himself thinking.
He pulled Zuko into a sitting position, his hands forcing Zuko to look at him.
Sokka had a serious look in his eyes; normally, this wasn’t usual for the brunette. His easygoing personality and jokerster persona were almost always present.
“I love you; do you understand me?” he said.
Zuko shook his head, “You'll find someone else–someone like Suki or Yue. You’ll be fine; you’ll find someone new, someone beautiful and–and they’ll make you laugh, and your sister will love them, and you’ll… be able to live a long, happy life with them. But that’s not…”
“That person is you! How can you not understand that! You are that person, Zuko,” he retorted sharply. “Don’t you dare decide who I love, don’t you dare think you can just–just leave me like this…”
“I’ll live a long, happy life with you, only you. You’re the one who’s perfect for me. The Yin to my Yang. You’re not Suki or Yue; you’re Zuko. My Zuko.”
“But…”
“But nothing, I don’t care what Katara thinks, I don’t care what anyone else thinks about us, I just want you. I want all of you, your heart, your soul, your good days, and your bad. I want your joy and your sadness…I want you, Zuko. Because you’re the only one that’s perfect for me.”
And that was the line that broke the camel’s back.
The tears that he was holding back, the emotions he was trying to bury, woke up. And he sobbed.
He sobbed the pain out. He sobbed anguishly and loudly. The pain that was drowning him came out all at once.
Sokka pulled him into a hug, holding Zuko tightly, as if he would disappear if he let go for a second. His own tears fell as he whispered sweet, gentle words into his lover’s ears.
“I’m here, sunlight, I’m here,” he whispered, voice cracking, “let it all out, I’m not going anywhere.”
His arms got tighter, shielding Zuko from the pain of the world around him. Providing a type of warmth that he has long-since forgotten how to accept.
And they sat there, holding one another, embracing the other with a tightness and yet with a gentleness that they both knew the other needed.
Time went by, but neither cared, not when dawn broke or when the birds began to chirp.
Zuko’s cries, long since ended, were just a sniffling mess; slowly, he looked up at Sokka. “Thank you,” he whispered, his voice raspy.
“Don’t thank me, don’t ever thank me for loving you the way you deserve. The way that we both deserve,” he whispered back. “You’re mine, and I’m yours.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.”
They smiled at each other, and both of their faces were tear-stained and glassy.
“Can I ask,” Sokka, “What brought this one, sunlight?” Zuko’s ears burned at the name.
“I…I was thinking,”
“Ah, a dangerous thing for a beauty like you…” He joked.
Zuko gently slapped his arm, “Shut up…I’m not–”
“You are beautiful, scars and all.”
His eyes widened, “Really?”
“Oh, of course, look,” his voice grew serious, “I love you, I love your scars, I love your personality, I love your anger, your joy, all of it. You are the sun to me; you shine so brightly, and I can never take my gaze off of you. Even when you drool on me or get snot all over my shirt.”
Zuko giggled, “Sorry about that…”
“Nah, I don’t mind, I never do…”
Zuko took a deep breath. “No, I mean, I’m sorry. For tonight. I…I don’t think I was thinking straight and I almost…”
“I know,” Sokka said quietly, “I…I lost a lot of people in my life, but I can’t lose you. Please, I’m begging you,” he looked into Zuko’s eyes,
“Don't do this ever again.” his arms tightened around Zuko.
“I won’t. I swear to you I won’t.”
Sokka smiled, his eyes lighting up at his boyfriend’s words.
And they stayed like that. In each other’s arms.
Until–
YAWWN
“Dang,” Sokka said, “Guess I’m a bit tired.”
Zuko laughed, “Yeah, all these emotions make ya’ sleepy.”
“Oh, you know it, babe, maybe if I had a certain hottie sleep right next to me…”
Zuko snorted, “You don’t even need to ask.”
.
.
.
“Ugh, where could they be!” Katara said, frustrated, she had been walking through the woods for a while now alongside Aang and Toph.
Aang added, “Maybe they fell asleep; it is pretty nice here.”
Toph snorted, “Yeah, they did something alright,” wiggling her eyebrows.
“Eww, Toph!” Katara’s face contorted in disgust, “That’s my brother…”
“And your brother has the hots for Zuko, easy as that.”
The two girls went back and forth, bickering as if they were sisters.
Aang walked ahead of them; he knew better than to get in the middle of those two. They were pretty scary, all things considered.
As he went ahead, he noticed two people dressed in blue and red robes. Upon walking up to them, he saw that it was Zuko and Sokka, sleeping in each other’s arms.
But something was different.
He noticed that they had tear-stained markings on their faces. And something else…
Zuko had a deep blue necklace around his throat and a northern water tribe engraved pendant hanging from it.
The smiles they had in their sleep were gentle and soft.
Aang smiled at the scene, Good for them, he thought.