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He doesn't fall at first. Not when a metal-mouthed kid awkwardly sits down next to him in his first year of college.
“Hi, I’m Kim Seungmin”, the kid introduces himself with a voice made of honey and sage, the soothingness of a sweet lullaby. A gentle smile– not enough to make Minho not immediately feel scared, but also just enough to encourage Minho to give an introduction back.
“Lee Minho. Hi, Seungmin.”
They leave it at that. But while Seungmin nods with a polite grin and turns his head back to the lecture, Minho keeps his eyes on him. He watches Seungmin rest his head in his arms (While still paying attention, of course), occasionally writing a word or two, and yawn, his hand coming out from the makeshift pillow he’d created to cover his mouth.
Then suddenly the class is over, and Minho stares down at his completely empty document that probably should have had at least two sentences. Oh well.
“Minho… hyung?” Seungmin absentmindedly asks as he packs away his stuff.
“‘98.” Minho replies, pointedly keeping his eyes fixated on his bag.
“Hyung it is. Also, I hope you enjoyed watching me today. I’ll have you know I actually bothered brushing my hair so I’m glad someone took notice of me.” Seungmin declares with a pep in his voice, seemingly happy about this newfound revelation. “See you tomorrow, old man.”
Minho blinks. Once, then twice, and a final third time for good measure. Just to let the interaction soak into his brain.
Is this what making friends in college is like? Calling them out and insulting them?
…
He decides to test this theory on some stragglers still in the lecture hall, spotting a group of three hanging around a few rows in front. Maybe they’d also just had someone insult them and are now plotting revenge. Minho hopes he can join them too.
“Hey,” Minho calls out as he walks over, bag slung over his left shoulder.
Three pairs of brown eyes look back at him, not unkind, just curious. Minho takes note of how the person in the middle is taller than the other two.
Guess that’s my ammo.
“You guys kind of look like bowling pins with the slightly taller guy standing in the middle.” Minho deadpans, eyes blinking as innocently as he can.
There is no beat of awkward silence like Minho expected, as the guy in the middle immediately bursts into laughter and claps the other two on their backs.
“Excuse me?” The shortest one looks shocked but the corners of his mouth still tilt up as he stares incredulously at Minho, while the second shortest (Second tallest if you’re an optimist, but Minho sure isn’t) giggles into the taller guy's chest.
“Apparently, insulting someone is a good way to get to know people.” Minho explains, seeing as the trio don’t seem to plan on calming down anytime soon.
“I- I mean, I guess you’re not wrong?” The tall guy replies through wheezes, clearly trying desperately to regain composure.
“That sounds like something Minnie would do…” The second shortest scratches his head, still in disbelief.
“Kim Seungmin? Yeah that’s probably because that is exactly what he did.”
“Oh, so you’ve met Seungmin!” The tallest guy seems delighted at this information. “Well in that case, call me Chan.”
Chan nudges the other two to introduce themselves.
“Seo Changbin,” the shorter guy says. “I’m also barely shorter than Channie hyung, for the record,” he continues, seemingly still holding a grudge.
Minho makes a mental note to never apologise to this Changbin guy. He seems fun to rile up.
“Han Jisung.” The last, the middle-heighted one gives a small wave while diverging his eyes away. Okay, noted, will make some people uncomfortable. Check on that guy later.
Minho presses his lips together in what he hopes is a smile, making his cheeks puff out from the sides.
“Lee Minho. How do you know Seungmin?”
“Oh, we met in high school. Here, give me your number,” Chan starts to pull out his phone, “Let me add you to the group of people I know who went to this college.
Minho types in his number without much thought. The worst that can happen is he hates me and tries to murder me for being a bad person in the group chat, right?
Then again, Chan doesn’t look like the type of guy to do that, so Minho relaxes.
“Thanks.” He replies.
Maybe he’ll learn more about this Kim Seungmin through his newfound source of information.
…
That night in his dorm, Minho greets his roommates, who he didn’t quite have the chance to introduce himself to when they were all in the panic of unboxing and getting their life together.
A group of unorganised, panicked messes, Minho thinks to himself. That’s not gonna cause any issues down the road.
Hyunjin and Felix, Minho learns, are both dance majors like him (He supposes that’s why they were put in the same dorm), and are also both in Chan’s group chat. Felix, because they’re both Australian, and Hyunjin by association.
Jeez, how many people does this guy know?
“Do you guys know Kim Seungmin?” Minho flips his phone around and points to the guy in the group chat with a puppy as his profile picture.
“Met him during orientation with Channie hyung, he’s… a weird one. Not in a bad way! But, a weird one. A loveable weird one.” Felix, bless his soul, tries to correct himself when he realises his choice of wording.
Hyunjin snorts in the background.
“Hwang Hyunjin, I will air fry you. But I do agree. Kim Seungmin’s a weird one. His insulting method does work though.” Minho feels the words come out of his mouth before his brain processes them.
Hyunjin’s face goes blank for a second, before he’s bursting into a genuine smile.
Hyunjin and Felix exchange glances as Minho watches, like some sort of weird mating ritual, and then turn to look at Minho simultaneously (creepy), giggling.
“I don’t know, hyung, you’re a bit weird too.” Hyunjin, that long limbed snake suggests.
Minho narrows his eyes into slits– he knows Hyunjin and Felix don’t take it seriously. He doesn’t mean it seriously.
…
Over the year, Minho becomes accustomed to random rants and blank stares from the seat to his right. And every word that Seungmin rambles on and on about his favorite baseball team, every blink of his wide eyes as they zone out on Minho’s face, Minho listens and stares back.
He also learns of a new character in the Chan group chat: Yang Jeongin, Seungmin’s roommate.
He learns that he is the youngest of the group chat, and is apparently adored by everybody in said group chat.
Once Minho meets the guy and watches him cheekily call everybody else old and insisting that “the maknae is on top” while pushing Chan, Changbin, Jisung and Hyunjin off of himself after they’d formed a cuddle pile, Minho completely understands why.
And then he sneaks over while Jeongin is distracted with the ambush of hugging and pokes his cheek with a smile.
Seungmin talks about Jeongin a lot. Actually, he talks about all of the people in the group chat a lot.
Sometimes complimenting, most times complaining, but adoration seeps into his voice no matter who he talks about.
For example, Seungmin once talked for a whole lecture about a track that Chan had produced for him to sing over, rambling on about how “It’s so good, hyung, you should listen to the instrumental, and, oh! Have I shown you the lyrics Jisung wrote? How does that guy manage to be so crazy in real life but so deep with his words…”
Seungmin explains excitedly as he opens a new tab and pulls up a document titled “LYRICSHSHDKDSLjdknvfFNJO”.
Fitting.
But back to the more important matter at hand, Minho quietly tucks away another piece of information to his “Things I know about Kim Seungmin” list.
- He likes baseball.
- He sings, and he’s majoring in that too.
When Seungmin finishes talking about the song, he moves on to puppies, pulling up a clip he had saved to his computer for some reason and showing Minho a dog in a Pochacco costume.
- He likes baseball.
- He sings, and he’s majoring in that too.
- He likes dogs, specifically Pochacco.
Hm, interesting information he most definitely will not use.
(On Christmas that year, Minho leaves a small, unlabeled, baseball-holding Pochacco plush outside Seungmin’s door after Jeongin lets him in.
Mysteriously, a brand new, nice, expensive speaker for dancing and keychains of his three cats end up outside his room, and suddenly, his gift doesn’t feel like enough.
Sign number one.)
…
Minho loves likes tolerates Chan, Changbin, Hyunjin, Jisung- you get the point. But Seungmin is different. Because Seungmin, well, he is Seungmin.
He’s the kid who sat next to Minho that day, and the kid who’s stayed ever since.
So when Seungmin shyly approaches Minho– a feat that he hadn’t seen the younger do in forever (Actually, thinking about it, Seungmin was never shy to begin with), and asks Minho to be his roommate for the next term, his heart jumps with something he doesn’t want to explain, and “no” doesn’t even cross his mind.
But of course, out loud, he says, “Hm. I’ll consider it.”
And proceeds to send Seungmin details on how to apply to be roommates as soon as school lets out that day.
Coincidentally, that day, after their last day of first term, Minho watches Seungmin’s eyes sparkle at the sight of ice cream when their group walks around a mall to celebrate “being free” (Jisung’s words, not his), as he takes Minho’s hand and pulls him over to the shop.
“Kim Seungmin so help me god if you choose the coffee flavour and end up humming to yourself all night keeping me awake I will strangle you with my own hands.” Jeongin threatens when he sees Seungmin’s eyes lock onto the sign that says “coffee”.
Unfortunately, not even Jeongin’s great power to make people swoon and bow to his will can stop Seungmin’s pursuit for coffee ice cream, as he asks everyone for their orders (coffee for himself pretty much a given), and lines up while the rest of the group finds seats.
Minho decides to stay with Seungmin, because “The puppy cannot be trusted alone with the responsibility of ordering ice cream, his poor little dog brain will get confused.”
Seungmin rolls his eyes but drags Minho into the line anyway.
It’s then that Minho notices a little kid, maybe 6 at best, with her head pressed against the cold glass that divides the ice cream and her face, staring longingly and what Minho guesses is strawberry while the mom looks tired and disappointed behind her.
Minho hesitates. He’d worked his ass off to be able to afford these hangouts with the group chat. But the kid, she looks like she really wants some-
“Hey!” Seungmin shouts at the kid, just loud enough for her to hear but not loud enough to be a nuisance to other customers.
“C’mere,” He says, lowering his voice and gesturing for her to come over. The kid, predictably unaware of the “don’t talk to strangers” rule comes running over, the mom tailing behind.
“Which flavour?” Seungmin bends down to meet her level as his eyes crinkle to make himself look as inviting as possible.
“Uhm… sir, are you sure?” To her credit, the kid is extremely polite, making multiple attempts to say that it’s okay, waving her hand and shaking her head, but Seungmin insists until he gets a timid answer of “Strawberry, please, if it’s okay…”.
Seungmin, who Minho knows for a matter of fact had been stressed out of his mind over money a few days ago and consequently ran off cup noodles for a week straight before everybody else had to intervene.
Seungmin, who saw the girl and called her over without hesitation.
Seungmin, who grabs the strawberry cup and gently hands it over to the kid who bows 90 degrees in thanks, while the mom does the exact same thing and looks like she’s about to cry.
Seungmin, who is currently insisting on carrying every cup and cone of ice cream back to the table their friends found by himself until Minho snatches some from him in a desperate attempt to be useful.
And watching Seungmin’s concentrated face break into relief as he sets all the ice cream down and hands it to his friends, Minho realises.
He is most definitely in love with Kim Seungmin. And he cannot have him.
Because Seungmin, underneath his quirky habits and silly demeanor, is refreshing and pure like ice cream on a hot summer’s day; innocent but not gullible, kind, understanding, the perfect person to rely on, the perfect person deserving of love and attention and kindness.
And Minho, underneath his sarcasm and wall of insults, is tainted with worries and selfishness. A coward.
The love that Seungmin deserves is one that Minho doesn’t know how to give.
Sign number two, his mind taunts.
…
- He likes baseball.
- He sings, and he’s majoring in that too.
- He likes dogs, specifically Pochacco.
- He likes coffee ice cream.
- He is selfless.
…
They move in a week before classes start.
Minho stands in the middle of the room, head spinning as he tries to comprehend what is going on.
Maybe he’s panicking. Just a little bit. But can you really blame him? Because-
What do you do when you realise you’re in love with your best friend but it’s too late because you already agreed to move in with him and no, of course you can’t just tell him, because he-
“Minho hyung?” Seungmin pokes his head out of his claimed bedroom. (The bigger one, Seungmin had decided after walking across both rooms horizontally and determining that the first one took half a second longer to walk across. Not that Minho had fought him over it.)
“You uh, gonna start settling into your room? Or are you gonna stay standing here. In this very nice communal space we have acquired.” Seungmin walks out of his room to join Minho standing in front of the sofa, stretching his arms out into a T-pose.
“Uh,” Minho’s voice cracks as he shakes himself out of his Kim-Seungmin-caused spiral, “I was just imagining how your dead body could fit under this sofa in case of emergencies.”
Seungmin looks unimpressed.
“What kind of emergencies exactly?” His face remains blank but his mouth lets out a knowing sigh.
“For the inevitable.” Minho puts on a smile for him, turning away to walk into his allegedly smaller bedroom.
“FOR THE RECORD,” Seungmin shouts from the living room, “MY BODY WOULD DECAY SO IN THE END IT’S YOU THAT WOULD HAVE A BAD SMELLING LIVING ROOM!”
Minho yells back an exasperated “SHUT UP”, before sitting down in the chair in front of his empty desk and cold white walls.
His room is undecorated– he guesses Seungmin should be finished with the amount of time he spent standing in that “very nice” living room.
In the newfound quietness and new, albeit intimidating environment, Minho lets himself become emotional.
Because Seungmin’s just that type of person. Who likes things done immediately and in an organised fashion, but he doesn’t yell at Minho when he finds him doing nothing.
Hell, Seungmin had pretty much done all the work decorating their space (home?), while Minho had chimed in with a few “Sure”s and “Nice”s, and maybe a few “I think we should hang up a poster of my cats.”
The last one had gotten him a soft kick from Seungmin, but Minho thinks it's worth it as he remembers the giant tapestry of his cats that Seungmin had custom printed to hang above their sofa.
“Seungmin..” Minho whispers against his will, torso lying on the flimsy wooden desk he’d gotten for sale at IKEA.
“You’re too good to me.”
…
If Minho sneaks into Seungmin’s bed later that night under the excuse that “You said it yourself, this room is bigger so I want to sleep here too.”
And Seungmin laughs but still holds Minho close and wraps his arm around his waist, makes him feel a dull ache in his chest knowing that he is selfish for wanting Seungmin’s love, and knowing Seungmin is so kind that he’ll give it.
Well that’s nobody’s business but theirs.
…
There’s a nightmare that Minho doesn’t like to have. Sure, he’s scared when his mind throws him on top of a hundred story skyscraper or decides to feed him to the sharks at the bottom of the ocean, but he’s never quite ashamed like he is in this one.
Because he knows he’s never been stranded on a hundred story building or thrown to the sharks. But he’s sure as hell lived through this nightmare before.
It starts with Seungmin, because Minho’s mind cannot seem to get enough of that guy.
Seungmin’s asking for help on homework. He’s polite about it too, he’s not even pestering Minho about it. It’s just a question.
All it is is “Hyung, I’msorrycanyouhelpmewiththisplease?”
Rushed into one quick word like Seungmin’s embarrassed of asking. Afraid. Like this was his last resort and like he wants to take back his question as soon as it comes flying out of his mouth at record speed.
He should answer it.
He should answer it with the same tenderness that Seungmin treats Minho with when he’s in a bad mood.
Help him.
But Minho, crumbling under the weight of expectations, hands already shaking with every stroke he writes on this stupid maths worksheet, eyes bloodshot like he hasn’t slept for months, snaps.
At him.
At the puppy-like kid he’s known since he came to this school. The one who’d bring him food unprompted and act like he didn’t do anything. Who’d drag him out of his old dorms during waves of boredom and invite him to go sing karaoke while Felix and Hyunjin slept in the background.
He yells till his throat is hoarse, in the living room of Seungmin’s shared dorms with Jeongin.
“JUST DO IT YOURSELF, PLEASE, SEUNGMIN, IT’S NOT EVEN THAT HARD, ARE YOU STUPID? I CAN’T HELP YOU.”
That’s one of the lines he remembers. He knows there’s more he’d said but he doesn’t want to remember any of it. The words aimed like bullets straight at Seungmin’s pretty face, god, he’d give the world to take any of them back.
Time seems to come to a stop but Minho doesn’t. He shouts and screams, throwing insult after insult. He wants to stop– please, Minho, stop talking, you’re hurting him, can’t you see you’re hurting him-?
The words fall out of his mouth like a jenga tower, collapsing, and hitting the floor with a loud clang.
He watches Seungmin’s face crumble and his eyes go glossy– maybe under any other circumstance Minho would find it cute but right now all he feels is shame, shame, shame-
Seungmin is gone, his notebook on the living room’s table and homework’s fallen on the floor in his rush to go to his room, Jeongin is walking out confused and worried-
“Minho hyung? What- Is Seungmin okay?”
Minho wants to say something but he fears those words will come out angry too. Everything’s blurry– he’s sorry, he’s so so sorry.
He leaves a horrified Jeongin and a crying Seungmin alone in their dorm as he grabs his homework and runs out, sweat and tears beading down his neck as if he has any right to be sad when everything was his fault.
He’s selfish. He’s so selfish.
Seungmin could give him his heart and all Minho could give back was hurt.
He grabs at his heart like it’s about to jump out of his chest, pushing against it hard, before collapsing down into his own dorm room after running down the college’s hallways as fast as humanly possible, muffling his cries so as to not disturb Hyunjin and Felix in their own rooms.
He can’t breathe.
Everything is blurry, but at this point Minho can’t tell if it’s tears or the lack of oxygen. The blur in his eyes matches the fog in his brain, thoughts swirling in a tornado of slurred words and panicked cries.
He can’t breathe, someone, please-
His chest beats like it never has before. Each thump echoes in his ears with harsh bangs as his breaths get shakier and shakier, his lungs trying desperately to pull in air before it’s forced out of his body.
Sign number three.
In the haze of his mind, those words seem to be illuminated with a dark red, shaking violently unstable.
Minho doesn’t want to accept the truth.
But three signs is three too many.
…
“Hyung- HYUNG!” Seungmin wakes Minho up with a shake.
Minho jolts up, and as soon as he sees Seungmin’s face, pounces on him with a hug. Seungmin’s head nearly hits the wall in surprise, but he hugs back nonetheless.
Minho doesn’t realise he’s crying until he feels the wetness flow onto Seungmin’s sleep shirt.
“S-Seungmin, shoot, I-” Minho can’t get the words out. He feels sick to his stomach.
“Shh. It’s okay. I’m here. Don’t think about the nightmare, I’m here.” Seungmin lulls, pointedly not asking what nightmare could have shaken up Minho so badly that he’s been reduced to this.
But that’s the issue, Minho thinks dejectedly, a wet, hopeless laugh coughing out of him.
That wasn’t a nightmare. It happened.
7 months into college and he’d already snapped at his closest friend.
The outburst had spread through their eight person friend group like wildfire, even the gym bros’ dorm had caught on.
Most of their friends had been understandably upset with Minho– Chan especially gave him a more than stern talking to, though it ended up with a stressed Minho collapsing in Chan’s arms, and Chan, angry but understanding, telling him it would be alright if he apologised.
Seungmin had forgiven him. Easily. He was never the type to hold grudges against anyone.
Minho knows he didn’t deserve it.
“‘M sorry, I'm sorry, I’m so sorry Seungmin please-” Minho’s voice breaks at the last please, as Seungmin only holds him tighter– grounding him, rubbing rhythmic circles into his back.
From his head’s place leaning on the crook of Seungmin’s neck, Minho cranes his head up to look at Seungmin’s delicate, sympathetic face, and realises he’s being selfish. And he finally, finally accepts the truth.
He does not love Seungmin. He can’t.
If he truly loved him, he would never have hurt Seungmin like that.
He does not love Seungmin. He won’t hurt him again.
…
- He likes baseball.
- He sings, and he’s majoring in that too.
- He likes dogs, specifically Pochacco.
- He likes coffee ice cream.
- He is selfless.
- He forgives too easily.
…
Things are weird after the night Seungmin witnesses Minho remember the worst day of his life. (No, he’s not being dramatic, thank you.)
Every time Minho sees Seungmin, all he visualises are Seungmin’s eyes welling with tears threatening to spill before the younger dashes off into the distance.
Minho wonders if one day he won’t return.
Actually, who is he kidding? Of course he would.
Predictably, the horrible visualisation leads to a few awkward moments where Minho is too much of a coward to face Seungmin head on.
I’ll just hurt him again.
Which leaves a confused, slightly offended Seungmin standing alone in hallways as a suspiciously Minho shaped cloud of mist is left in Minho’s haste to avoid Seungmin.
Minho can see it– Seungmin had never been good with masking his thoughts, but Minho really doesn’t want to explain what he’d woken up in tears for.
But if I’m hurting Seungmin by avoiding him, then am I really being selfish?
Minho scrunches up his face at the thought of it. This whole situation is too confusing anyways, so he writes it all down to simplify it.
- If Minho faces Seungmin and lets himself love him, he will probably hurt him again. That’s selfish.
- If Minho faces Seungmin and is forced to explain his nightmare, he may just die of embarrassment.
- If Minho avoids Seungmin, he is being selfish (again???) because he just needs to get over his stupid little crush and be normal with Seungmin again–
The pen trails off as Minho lets out a groan and flops to his desk.
There really is only one solution: Fall out of love with Kim Seungmin.
Now, Minho isn’t really experienced in the field of falling out of love with men named Kim Seungmin. It’s his first time after all.
So after a quick google search, Minho plans out his checklist, picking up the since forgotten pen up off his desk and a post it note.
「STOP <3 KIM SEUNGMIN
- Be normal with him. Don’t do all that sappy banter stuff.
- Only engage in conversation if he initiates. If he says hi, just smile and nod.
- Do NOT, at ALL COSTS, look at him while he does puppy eyes.」
It’s a pretty short list, but Minho’s not really sure what to add to it. He doesn’t even know when he fell in love with the guy!
It’s doable. That’s all that matters.
…
Seungmin thinks he’s been pretty damn patient with his stupid crush.
He hasn’t forced the older one to talk to him over the past week or so that the dumb cat has been scurrying off at the sight of Seungmin, even in the dorms where they are literally living together!
He’s not even sure what he’s done wrong– but he suspects it has something to do with the dream that left a shaking Minho in his arms.
Don’t get him wrong, he’s happy to get a hug from his least huggy hyung, but he’d appreciate it a little more under better circumstances.
Preferably, not when said hyung is sobbing his eyes out?
It feels weird to say, but Seungmin almost misses the insults they’d throw at each other.
It’s… terrifying.
His strong hyung, who Seungmin had always looked up to (but don’t tell Minho that), scared of something? Avoiding something?
When talking about Minho, those words feel foreign on Seungmin’s tongue.
When he thinks of Minho, he thinks of resilient, quietly loving. Just like the guy who he’d sat next to because “Oh my god he’s so pretty.”, and the guy who’d spent the lesson staring at his face.
Endearing.
Now, Seungmin misses the attention more than he ever thought he would.
He hasn’t felt Minho’s wide eyes on his face since they’d been crying in the crook of his neck a week ago, and it’s killing him.
Every hallway encounter, every awkward morning, every lack of group discussion when their professor inevitably asks them to share, feels like it thickens the wall between Minho and Seungmin currently.
So Seungmin, at 4pm on a Saturday with all his homework finished (It’s not), calls possibly the only reliable friend he has.
“Channie- hyung?”
A groggy voice mutters an affirmation from the other end of the phone.
“I need your help, please.” Seungmin sits cross legged on his wooden chair.
“You better have woken me up from my afternoon nap for a good reason,” Seungmin hears rustling on the other end, presumably Chan sitting up. “What is it, Minnie?”
“It’s about Minho- hyung.”
Chan lets out a soft “ah.”
“Basically, something happened around a week ago…” Seungmin’s voice trails off as he wonders whether to tell Chan about Minho’s nightmare. After a brief pause, he decides not to.
“He was just really upset. And- don’t get me wrong! I comforted him!”
Chan snorts.
“-but now he’s avoiding me and I don’t know what to do. Every time I see him in the dorms, he just nods his head with that stupid little smile he does when he’s not actually smiling but it’s also not his cocky smirk and-”
Seungmin stops himself before he gets very off track.
“Yeah he’s been avoiding me everywhere. Basically.”
Chan hums in consideration, before taking a long exhale.
“I’m sorry, Minnie. I’m sure that sucks.”
Seungmin whines in agreement.
“You have no idea what that… situation, a week ago was?”
“Yes! It’s been radio silence ever since! He cried into my shoulder and–” Seungmin pauses in horror. “...I shouldn’t have said that.”
“Minho cried?” Chan sounds awake for the first time in the call, and Seungmin can hear him sit upright in his bed.
“I’ve only seen him cry once…” He continues, voice dropping to a whisper as he recalls that terrifying time.
When Chan knocked on Minho’s door till he opened it, and sat down on his chair while Minho’s tired and puffy eyes looked down at the mattress said person was sitting on.
When Minho’s eyes welled up into a shine as he desperately wiped them away and spoke of how he hurt Seungmin.
“Oh.” Suddenly the dots connected in Chan’s brain.
“Seungmin, I’m not saying you don’t already think this, but I think you should tell Minho all the things you apprecia–”
Chan’s words are cut off with a ruffle from Seungmin’s end as Chan looks amused at the call screen.
“Hi, hyung.” Back in Minho and Seungmin’s dorm, Seungmin throws his phone to his bed as he watches Minho walk out of his room cautiously, as if trying to avoid something.
Minho jumps, but just smiles and waves, turning and almost bolting it out of the dorms into the hallway.
Seungmin watches a piece of paper fall out of Minho’s pocket, but by the time he’s about to call out his name, the older man is already gone.
Now, normally Seungmin wouldn’t go through Minho’s stuff. He’s not that level of obsessed.
But when he walks closer and sees his name, he can’t help his curiosity and picks up the slightly crumpled post it note.
「STOP <3 KIM SEUNGMIN
- Be normal with him. Don’t do all that sappy banter stuff.
- Only engage in conversation if he initiates. If he says hi, just smile and nod.
- Do NOT, at ALL COSTS, look at him while he does puppy eyes.」
What.
What.
What.
Seungmin’s heart drops as he realises in horror that Minho knows. He knows about his stupid little (huge) crush on the man, and that’s why he’s been avoiding him.
It all makes sense now– Seungmin acted too much like a love-stuck fool when comforting Minho.
God, Seungmin, why’d you have to be so obvious?
Minho must’ve realised it immediately, he’d always been quick to pick up on clues like these.
Minho’s not homophobic. Seungmin knows that much. But maybe he’s Seungmin-phobic? Because why else would Minho not want to talk to Seungmin anymore?
He doesn’t want me. Seungmin realises in horror.
I’m weird. Why did I let him know? WHY? Seungmin’s crying before he registers it, the tears smudging the ink around the heart that Minho drew on the paper.
Running back to his room, he quickly picks up his phone.
“No,” Seungmin chokes back a sob. “It’s okay hyung. I get it. I know he doesn’t– it’s- it’s fine.” Seungmin lies. It’s not fine. It’s not fine at all.
He’d be happy to be just friends with Minho until the day they parted ways, but those dreamy plans are now ruined.
“Seungmin? What happened?” Chan’s worried voice peaks on the phone, coming out as a screech.
“I-” Seungmin can’t seem to get any words out. “Minho’s just left. U-Uh-” He takes a few breaths to compose himself.
“Come over, please?”
Chan is agreeing and Seungmin hears footsteps from the phone before he can register the “yes”.
When he opens the door to Chan wrapping him in a bear hug immediately, Seungmin melts into the touch and lets Chan’s arms wrap him tighter.
“I don’t wanna talk about it. Just- just be here. Please.”
Chan nods in silence, glancing, eyebrows furrowed, at Minho’s open door and Seungmin’s shaking back.
…
Minho malfunctions when he sees Seungmin. Every time he sees said person, his mind is torn in half.
One side begs Minho to run to him and hug him and apologise, and tell him everything will be alright.
The other side tells him to stop ruining Seungmin’s life.
So Minho, every time, makes the brave decision to put his willpower to work and stay away from Kim Seungmin.
And it’s working out, really.
It’s not like his heart breaks at the sight of Seungmin’s heartbroken eyes when he forces his legs to turn.
It’s not like he stares at his ceiling every night, wondering why he can’t just be normal and face his fears to apologise to Seungmin one last time and give him the closure he deserves.
It’s not like he turns in his bed and blinks away tears that threaten to spill when he thinks about how no matter what he does, he will hurt Seungmin.
Except, there may be a hiccup in his clearly flawless plan.
He may or may not have, in his haste of running out of his room before Seungmin could catch him off guard, dropped a rather important piece of paper.
More specifically, his fail-proof plan of falling out of love with Kim Seungmin.
Now if any stranger had this paper, or it was on the streets of some random place, it wouldn’t be much of a problem.
But if it fell in the hands of Kim Seungmin, well even Seungmin could figure out that Minho is in love with the man.
And again, it wouldn’t be a problem if Minho was capable of loving properly. Hell, he’d even accept a rejection graciously.
But he isn’t capable of loving properly.
So, as the coward he is, Minho dances in studios booked at the latest time slot, as his vision blurs with satisfying blanks. Till he blinks and he’s laying on a cold practice floor and bruises are forming on his knees and chest from the impact.
He skips breakfast and eats rice crackers for lunch. He’s not sure why he does it, maybe a sick sense of self induced revenge for his avoidance hurting Seungmin, but all he knows is he smiles at the emptiness in his stomach and the dull yet sharp pain that comes with it.
Yet his head churns with a desperate want. For everything. And he knows he’s greedy for it, but he cannot help himself from wanting.
He knows he cannot avoid Seungmin forever, but he can sure as hell try.
Until he stops loving Seungmin. Or maybe, until he learns to hide it.
…
Life’s been monotonous for Minho lately.
Days pass in blurs with not much to note for any of them– in fact he isn’t even sure how long it’s been since he moved in with Seungmin.
Everything’s just been… boring.
Day after day, though he functions, breathes, talks, walks and attends his classes, nothing gives him the thrill of what it feels like to tease Seungmin.
Or rather, felt like, at least.
It’s so stupid.
It doesn’t help that now, instead of the small pain of Seungmin’s tiny slaps and joking punches, all he can currently feel is the pain of his head throbbing after weeks of admittedly zero self care.
Not that Minho thinks he doesn’t deserve it.
He knows he’s done this to himself, it’s completely his fault that the younger is barely in his life anymore, but Minho’s trying to close that chapter in his book, to be continued another time.
Still, he doesn’t take down polaroids hung on his wall, and a candid framed picture of one Kim Seungmin with coffee ice cream on his cheek.
Maybe that’s the part of Seungmin Minho will allow himself to keep.
Today is Sunday, and it’s around 3pm. At least, Minho thinks it is. Listen, he can’t be bothered to do maths right now. Nor check his phone. The space between his bed and nightstand where his phone lays is far too long a bridge for Minho to cross.
Not that he would pick it up if he wanted to– god, his head is killing him. Why didn’t past Minho have the foresight to turn off the light before he faceplanted onto his bed?
Minho’s eyes flutter open and shut a few times before he wraps his arms around his head. Strong, but not enough to hurt. Just to put a dull pressure on his brain so it doesn’t feel like it’s melting away.
His eyelids feel heavy. There’s a weird mix of hunger and nausea so bad he doesn’t even want to imagine food pooling in his stomach, and a burning acid stuck in his throat.
He forces his eyes open and wait– when did the sky turn dark again?
No– he should get some water. It’ll fix things.
He tries to turn and slide off his bed but his legs almost give up on the impact.
The door. The door–? It’s right there.
Minho flings his arm lazily at the doorknob, yet as it turns and the door opens with a bang that is surely earning them a noise complaint, Minho feels his body falling.
He feels light as his being seemingly falls in slow motion, as Minho can’t help but close his eyes and drift off into unconsciousness, letting the feeling of collapsing overtake him as it has many times before lately.
His last thought before his brain goes blank is one of open doors and one Kim Seungmin.
…
Seungmin doesn’t expect much when he comes home anymore.
He expects Minho’s door shut, any notes Minho has to tell Seungmin stuck neatly on the fridge with cat magnets, the living room dark except for the dim light from the cloudy sky and a quiet, somber air that drags straight into Seungmin’s heart.
So when he opens the door with a soft “I’m home” and sees a bright light illuminating the whole living room, originating from Minho’s room and the door flung wide open, the somber air spikes into something Seungmin can only identify in his head as distress.
Because he knows his hyung wouldn’t forget to close the door.
“Hyung?” He gives a cautious warning as he walks into the hallway and to Minho’s room, almost scared to see what he’ll find.
And those fears are quickly confirmed when he finds Minho lying pitifully on the floor, face flushed with red but from being flustered, hand loosely grabbing his hair like he tried to shield his head from the fall.
“HYUNG!” Seungmin goes straight into panic mode, dropping to his knees by Minho’s head and gently lifting the older’s head from the cold floor.
“Hyung, hyung, wake up. Wake up…” Seungmin pleads. Against his will, tears well up in his eyes but he blinks them away.
“Ngh… Kim Seungmin?” Minho blinks groggily.
Wasn’t there something he was meant to be doing? Something about a Kim Seungmin?
“Hyung!” Seungmin gasps, shocked but relieved.
“What the hell happened?” Now that the initial worry has faded, Seungmin falls back into bordering-on-mad territory.
“Seungmin..” Minho’s voice is soft. None of the sharpness Seungmin’s become accustomed to lately. It’s laced with tiredness and maybe a splash of pain, but Seungmin still finds that he missed that voice.
So, so much more than he realised.
“Mmm… head… hurts…” Minho crawls back onto two feet, only to immediately lose his balance and have Seungmin need to guide him back to his bed, which is literally not even a meter away from him.
Somewhere deep in Minho’s mind, he thinks he should be a bit flustered or embarrassed about that but he can’t find it in himself to care right now.
Seungmin hesitates to sit down on Minho’s bed.
Last time he’d tried to comfort Minho, tell him everything was going to be okay and that he was here…
Well, that didn’t turn out very well, did it?
But when Minho groans quietly and grabs Seungmin’s hoodie, Seungmin’s self control fades away as he allows himself to be pulled down next to Minho.
Their faces are so close on Minho’s single bed that Seungmin can feel the heat radiating off Minho’s forehead, as the older pulls Seungmin’s hand over his waist.
Seungmin cannot tell if this is some elaborate set-up for Minho to start yelling at him or if he has died and gone to heaven.
“Seungminnie…” Minho mumbles, eyes shut peacefully but still slightly lucid.
“‘M sorry.”
Seungmin’s brain goes quiet as he stares at Minho’s eyelids, hand slowly feeling Minho’s waist and how thin Minho had gotten since they’d last hugged.
Instead of words, Seungmin holds Minho just a little tighter as Minho is knocked out cold.
…
Seungmin does eventually free himself from Minho’s cuddle requirement– albeit with a bit of difficulty. (Read: Carefully extracting his arm from where Minho had been wrapped around it and replacing it with a pillow as soon as possible)
He prepares two cups of warm tea and instant soup, because he doesn’t feel like giving his already sick Hyung food poisoning on top of his illness.
As he waits for Minho to wake up, Seungmin tries not to let the doubts creep into his mind.
That Minho was just delirious. He just wanted someone there, and that person shouldn’t have been Seungmin.
But Seungmin prides himself on not making rash decisions, and not assuming things too quickly. (He admits, that day with Chan, he was rather emotional. And maybe he is now. Just a bit. But that’s why he’s talking to Minho about it!)
So he waits. And on the fourth hour and thirty seventh minute of Lee Minho’s fever-driven power nap, a disgruntled Minho stumbles his way to the couch where Seungmin is already waiting for him.
“So I’m guessing I can’t avoid this conversation, can I?” Minho sarcastically quips, but there’s a fear in his voice that Seungmin can just barely make out.
“Glad to see you remember, Hyung.” Seungmin smiles. Not pettily, just reminiscing.
“Fine then, let’s get this other with.”
Seungmin’s heart drops. Just a bit. This may be it for them. Minho will tell Seungmin to leave him alone forever and move out and it’s all going to be Seungmin’s fault, and his whole friend group is going to hate him for making things awkward–
Seungmin’s broken out his spiral with a slam of Minho’s mug after he chugged the tea, cool after the hours of sitting on the table.
“Do you have the note?” Minho sighs, burying his face in his hands.
“I do.” Seungmin nods, and tries not to let himself think about what could have been had he been a bit more normal that day.
“Well, it’s pretty self explanatory. I’m sorry if I hurt you.” Minho’s then slightly teasing smirk turns sadder, though his lips remain quirked up in the corners.
“No, hyung, it’s m-me.” To his horror, Seungmin starts tearing up as Minho watches, eyes wide and horrified.
“Seungmin, I-” Minho doesn’t even know what to say. He tries to think back to all the times that Seungmin had comforted him, even unknowingly.
“Seungmin, listen to me.” Minho pulls Seungmin in close into a tight hug, the younger boy still hiccuping on his shoulder.
“It’s not you, not at all, okay? It’s not your fault I need to fall out of love with you.” Minho bites his lip, wondering if he should tell Seungmin the real reason.
“I guess, it’s just cause-”
The hiccuping turns into a hitch of breath.
“What.” Seungmin is still sobbing, but now looks both confused and sad in the most pathetic yet weirdly endearing expression Minho has ever seen.
“What?” Minho laughs sadly, because what else can he do?
“You love me?” Seungmin’s eyes are twinkling with a sparkle now– mixing with the reflection of their living room ceiling light in the pool of tears in Seungmin’s eyes.
“What did you think the post-it note was about?” Minho shakes his head in disbelief, and– oh shoot, is he crying too?
“I thought you were trying to make me not keep on bothering you with my love…” Seungmin admits sheepishly, wiping the tears from his eyes.
Minho wordlessly tackles him until they’re both lying side by side on the sofa, hugging tight.
“You could never.”
Seungmin brushes Minho’s bangs out of his eyes.
“So can I take this to mean… I love you, and you love me?” Seungmin smiles lopsidedly, and Minho falls in love all over again.
“Kiss me, Kim Seungmin.”
Seungmin takes Minho’s face in his hand and gently brings them together.
Not intense, definitely not a make-out session.
But just enough to show they love each other.
…
“Why did you want to fall out of love with me?” Seungmin asks that night, as they both lay in Seungmin’s bed.
Minho blinks a few times, voice coming out empty as he speaks.
“I don’t know. I guess, I just thought… you deserved better. Remember that time I yelled at you because you asked me for help on homework?”
Minho laughs humorlessly.
“Oh hyung, you know I forgave you immediately, right?”
There’s a silence where Minho doesn’t know how to tell Seungmin that he may have forgiven him, but Minho will never forgive himself.
“You know how I see you, hyung?” Seungmin starts, raising five fingers in the air and staring at them..
“I think you’re smart.” He puts one finger down.
“I think you’re kind.” He puts another down.
“I think you show your love in the best ways.” He puts his middle finger down.
“I think you’re too hard on yourself.” He puts his index down.
Then Seungmin turns his head to Minho.
“And I think… you make me feel like I’m loved.”
…
Maybe Minho will always think Seungmin is better than him. And maybe some days he’ll wonder if he deserves Seungmin at all. But on those days, Seungmin will come home from a long day of classes and all he’ll want is Minho.
And Minho will think, maybe he does deserve Seungmin. Because he deserves to make Seungmin happy, and Seungmin will do it for him in return.