Chapter Text
She’d stared at herself in the mirror before leaving her home that morning, poking the bags that had formed under her eyes and pulling her shirt away from her stomach. She glanced at the clock on her bedroom wall and sighed. She’d be late if she continued staring at herself.
“Sam! I wanted to talk to you before our briefing!” Daniel called out as she made her way to her lab. She turned around to look at him but she’d done it so fast that she sent her own head spinning. She lost her balance and tripped backwards, landing safely in Daniel’s arms as he caught her. He helped her reorient herself and held onto her loosely until she seemed steady enough on her own feet.
“Are you okay?” He asked, he was staring at her eyes trying to determine if her next utterance would be honest or not.
“Yeah, I just- I lost my balance… I didn’t sleep well last night.” He finally dropped his hands from her arms and squinted at her. He didn’t believe her.
“Ooohkay.” He followed behind her into her lab and began discussing their upcoming mission. He’d nearly forgotten about the incident by the time they were due in the briefing room.
The briefing went quick, she’d felt the men’s eyes on her as she explained the scientific importance of their next mission. Their stares felt different. Especially Colonel O’Neill’s. She watched Daniel lean over to him halfway through her spiel and whisper something to him. He’d cocked his head and fixed his complete attention to her after that.
She’d escaped the briefing room quickly after they were dismissed. She made her way into her lab and worked uninterrupted for a few hours before she heard her commanding officer’s footsteps coming down the hall.
“Heya Carter. We’re doing team night tonight. Teal’c wants chinese and it’s your turn to pick the movie.” Colonel O’Neill spoke with a grin as he walked in.
“Uhh, Sir, I think I’ll sit this one out. I have a lot to do before our-,”
“Hammond just delayed our mission.” His grin fell as he interrupted her. She furrowed her brows, silently asking him why. “Something about the potential for SG3’s mission to go sideways and wanting us on standby.”
“Oh, well if I have more time to review this,” She gestured to the textbooks in front of her. “It’d really benefit us anyway.” She offered him a smile that she knew looked fake.
“Ack. Carter, team night. My house. Eighteen hundred.” He waved his hand at her, dismissing her obvious excuse. It’d been three weeks since their last team night, she knew there was no getting around it.
“Alright, Sir. I’ll be there.” His grin returned.
“Great, did you take the bike today?” She swallowed hard, nodding. “How about we ride together then? I’ll bring you back in the morning and you can ride home tomorrow.” He never let her ride if there was a possibility of drinking.
“I’ll just avoid the beer tonight, Sir. No worries. I’m not particularly in the mood to drink anyway.”
“Nonsense, I have a pack of your favorite already in my fridge.” Between Daniel’s cautionary words during their briefing and her overly exhausted appearance, every alarm bell was ringing in his head. He wasn’t going to take excuses. “So I’ll swing by here and we’ll head out together. Got it?” The words felt like an order, she nodded.
“Yes, Sir. Sounds good.” He turned around and left, counting down the time before he could get her out of the mountain and get to the bottom of her sudden shift in energy. He already had a sneaking suspicion what the cause was.
The rest of the day dragged by for him, but flew by for her. She began overthinking how she was going to make up excuses for not wanting to eat chinese, and not wanting to drink beer. How she’d try to turn in early or get Daniel and Teal’c to drive her back to the base to get her bike and go home.
“Alrighty, time’s up Carter! Let’s get out of here. The guys already left to go get food, they’ll meet us at my place.” She sighed and nodded, closing her laptop and grabbing her bag. As she swung her bag over her shoulder and stood up she mentally cursed, fighting the dizziness.
“You alright there, Carter?” She nodded but couldn’t come up with words. She gripped the edge of her desk as her ears began ringing and darkness crept into her vision. She managed to find her seat before she fell. Her breathing was quick and shallow and she faintly registered a hand on her face, holding her head up. When her vision came back into focus, Colonel O’Neill was crouching down in front of her- concern written across his features.
“You back with me, Carter?” She gave him a slow nod. “What’s going on, Sam?” He’d asked softly, his thumb gently stroking her cheek as consciousness settled back in.
“I’ve just- I’ve been pushing myself…” Not entirely a lie.
“Yeah, okay. Am I going to regret not calling Janet?” Sam shook her head. Janet was the last person who needed to see her right now. She tried to push herself up but his hand moved to her shoulder, forcing her to stay sitting.
“Give yourself another minute, Carter.” She just nodded. He stood up and found her water bottle, opening it and giving it a quick sniff test before passing it to her. He’d found abandoned science projects in her cups before, he knew better than to not examine her cups now. He watched her take a few small sips of water before closing the bottle and setting it back down.
After a few more minutes she finally felt like herself again and he allowed her to stand up, but he still stood close in case she decided to collapse again. Conversation turned lighter as they made their way out of the mountain and finally to his house. Daniel and Teal’c had already arrived and let themselves in.
She wanted to throw up as the smell of chinese food assaulted her. She sat down on his couch and joined Daniel and Teal’c’s conversation, hoping to distract them from the fact she hadn’t picked up a box of food yet.
It wasn’t long before the Colonel came into view and happily shoved a bottle of her favorite beer in her hand. He sat down next to her, she could feel his gaze on her as they all laughed about their last mission.
Jack reached out and grabbed a box of lo mein, he took a set of clean chopsticks and stabbed them into the noodles. Taking the still full bottle from her hands and replacing it with the now open box of food in one swift movement. She glanced at him and saw him staring intently at her, the earlier concern on his face now replaced with something she couldn’t place. He gestured down to the food in her hands, telling her to eat something without using words.
The first small mouthful of noodles went down easily enough, she took her time before trying another.
“Alright, guys. Can you give us the room for a few minutes?” O’Neill interrupted, speaking to Daniel and Teal’c. Daniel had quickly agreed, already knowing the conversation that was about to take place. He and Teal’c moved to the back patio, out of earshot.
“Carter…” She was staring down at the food in her hands, refusing to make eye contact. “You need to eat.” His tone was sharp but she knew he wasn’t angry.
“I am, Sir.” Lie. She’d eaten all of ten noodles and a piece of broccoli. She was already feeling nauseous as it hit her stomach.
“Bullshit. You didn’t even touch your beer.” She blushed. Of course he’d call her out on that, too. “Look at me, Carter.” His voice was softer, but she couldn’t bring herself to look at him. He took the food out of her hands, setting it down on the coffee table before taking her chin and forcing her to look at him. The dam broke as their eyes finally met. She let out a small sob and tears began streaking down her cheeks.
“Tell me what’s going on, Sam.” She shook her head, not because she didn’t want to tell him- but she didn’t know how. She could see the frustration bubbling up in him, he grabbed her food and put it back in her hands.
“I want to see you eat three more bites, then I’ll drop it.” She was sure he could see the fear that struck her at the words. She took hold of the chopsticks and poked around the noodles for a moment before shaking her head, bile rising in her throat. She quickly put the food down and tried to stand.
“Ah shit.” She heard him say before she began coughing, she wasn't going to be able to fight the noodles back down. Weight shifted beside her and suddenly he was in front of her again, holding a bag open as she spit out the few noodles she’d gotten down. After a few more coughs he could tell she was done throwing up, he set the bag down on the ground. With his thighs on either side of hers he pulled her forward against him and gently stroked up and down her back.
“So, pushing yourself a bit too hard?” She nodded. “You’re sweating a lot right now, Carter.” She nodded again, she knew that. She was freezing, too.
“Does this happen to have something to do with a conversation I overheard?” Her body went stiff, he knew he’d hit the nail on the head at that point.
Two weeks ago they’d been in the base gym when they’d overheard the members of another SG team talking about how SG1 had ‘let themselves go’ while they’d been on standby for a month. One of the female members of that team had mentioned she’d be out of a job if she’d gained as much weight as Sam. She had sparred like she’d had something to prove that day and subsequently slipped into her old habit of skipping meals and calorie counting.
“I’m going to go tell the guys to get lost for the night, Carter.” She shook her head, no. “Tonight was just to get you out of the base, they knew I’d be sending them home early.” He leaned her back against the sofa and watched him disappear to the back patio. She wished she could hear what they were saying. She hated feeling like this, like a burden and a waste of space.
“Hey, Sam. We love you, we want you to take care of yourself, okay?” Daniel smiled as he spoke. He and Teal’c gathered a few items quickly, neither looking particularly upset about team night ending early.
“Please be kind to yourself, Major Carter.” Teal’c told her. Then they were gone. O’Neill was back in front of her, sitting on his coffee table to place himself in the center of her vision.
“When’s the last time you actually ate, Sam?” She shrugged, she wasn’t ready to admit it’s been two days. He sighed. “Alright, well, Chinese clearly didn’t settle well. I’m going to make some soup and toast. Stay here.” She leaned back and closed her eyes, trying to figure out exactly how fucked she was. He’d read her like an open book and she’d barely said anything.
He returned after a few minutes with a bowl of tomato soup, two slices of toast, and a diet coke. He sat down next to her now and watched as she carefully lifted the spoon to her mouth. She paused before it hit her lips.
“Eat, Carter.” She dropped the spoon back into the bowl and her shoulders fell.
“Is that an order, Sir?” He knew the defiance wouldn’t last long, it never did when she got like this.
“Does it need to be?” He asked her quietly, call it manipulative all you want- he knew the tone he’d used would work on her. “I need you to eat, Sam. Please.” She shakily brought a spoon of the liquid back to her lips, she’d faced off with system lords- and yet, this bowl of tomato soup seemed to scare her more. He mentally cheered as he watched her swallow spoon after spoon of the soup. To her surprise, it didn’t make her want to throw up. It felt heavy, but it was staying down. She put the bowl of soup down and glanced at the two slices of toast.
“Can you try some?” He asked, following her gaze to the offending food. She shook her head. “Just a bite.” He handed her a slice of toast and she stared at it with disgust. “Sam, please?” She hated that tone more than she hated the toast. She brought it to her lips, paused, and then chewed off the corner where less butter resided. She put the toast back down and shook her head, trying to swallow what was in her mouth while her mind actively rejected the idea.
“Thank you, Sam.” He pulled her against his side, when his hand brushed her arm and he realized how cold she was he yanked the blanket off the back of the sofa and wrapped it around her shoulders. Once safely wrapped up in the blanket and back against his side, she began crying again. Silent sobs that wracked her body and had him whispering quiet reassurances to her.
“It’s been two days…” She whispered randomly. “Two and a half… Daniel dragged me to the commissary Tuesday for lunch.”
“Let me guess, blue jello and a diet coke?” She nodded. “You passed out today, Sam… Daniel said you almost passed out on him this morning, too.” She nodded. “When’s the last time you ate prior to that?” She was silent as she thought about it.
“I’ve been having protein bars…” His head dropped, coming to rest against her temple, he knew she’d hoped that would appease him.
“Sam… Unless you’ve had twenty of them a day, that doesn’t count.”
“Sunday.” She forced out through clenched teeth. The last time he’d caught her skipping meals she’d cracked quickly. It was hard to lie when you got dragged off to the infirmary only to find the cause of your confusion and weakness was a dangerously low blood sugar level. Her health had told on her quickly and she’d only dropped a few pounds in the process. After that the guys kept an eye on her after especially hard missions, quick to drag her to lunch or team nights when they felt she’d been taking her emotions out on herself. Sam hated knowing she could never get away with her favorite coping mechanism.
Eventually he felt her breathing even out and her body grow heavy against his, he knew she’d finally fallen asleep. He grabbed his cell phone and shot off a quick text to three people.
To Daniel: I’ve got her, she’ll be alright.
He replied, “Thank you, tell her we love her.”
To Hammond: We’re going to need a bit more time off, Sir. Daniel can fill you in tomorrow- everyone is okay.
He replied, “Tell Sam to take all the time she needs, son. And take all the time you need to take care of her.”
To Janet: Blue Jello.
Janet read the text and let out an exasperated sigh. She hated the code word they used. Sometimes she’d send it to him when Sam had dropped a few pounds inexplicably, other times- like tonight- she knew it meant her best friend was somewhere in complete shambles and she hadn’t even noticed the warning signs.
Janet replied, “Need anything?”
Jack replied, “Not tonight, I’ve got her.”
He closed his phone after the last reply came through, “Let me know.”
“Hey, Sam?” She stirred lightly. “Saaammm,” He tried a bit louder. She lifted her head to look at him. “I’m going to clean up, get you a drink, and then we’re going to bed, okay?” She nodded and shifted away from him, allowing him to stand. He made quick work putting the leftovers away and grabbing an Ensure from the fridge. Daniel had purchased the flavor they all knew she tolerated the best on his way over earlier.
She was barely awake when he got back to the couch. He opened the bottle as she stared at it. He knew she hated them, but they were necessary. He hated doing this to her, but it was necessary.
Luckily, Daniel had taken pity on her and purchased the small bottles. Sam took it from Jack’s hands and tried to power through it quickly. She knew there was no fighting when one was handed to her. She got halfway through it before she shook her head and pushed it back into his hands. He’d take it. She’d drank half without argument.
“Bed?” He asked softly. She nodded, moving to get off the couch. She stood up and let out a frustrated sob as the dizziness hit her again. Jack was ready, he caught her as her legs gave out.
This was the part of healing they never spoke of outside of his home. He carried her to his bed- mentally making note of how her body felt in his arms. He laid behind her holding her to his chest while she did whatever she needed to do to get her emotions out. Sometimes she’d sob, sometimes she’d vent and yell, other times he’d hold her wrists tightly to stop her from slamming her fists into her own thighs. He wasn’t sure what tonight was going to bring, but he was ready.
Tonight proved to be a new one, she rolled over in his embrace to face him and her eyes drifted shut quickly. He pressed a kiss to her forehead and closed his own eyes. Tomorrow would be rough, especially when he'd ask her to stand on his bathroom scale, but it would get better.