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Every now and again, Grace found himself thinking back to the time he missed because of his response that day.
For some reason, his mind usually only landed on that train of thought after a day that could already be considered ‘off’ by no certain terms. Grace was sure there had to be an actual scientific word or term for how he felt, but then again, maybe not. Maybe it was just, by all accounts, a bad day, and that was just what being a human was like. A day where the world, regardless of how small his had become, seemed to hang on his shoulders and push him down. A time when his limbs feel heavy and his mind a puddle of mush. Nothing he seemed to do was good enough, and despite Rocky not complaining outright about any of his work, he just couldn’t seem to shake the feeling it wasn’t right.
So now, as he lay in his bunk after arguing with Rocky for at least an hour about going to bed–and having subsequently lost that fight after Rocky had turned off the lights on him and made it impossible for him to do anything but lay down for fear of tripping and splattering his brains across the Hail Mary–despite not being nearly tired enough to sleep, he found himself being dragged into the same old trains of thought that always seemed to plague him.
The hours between when they tackled him to the ground and strapped him into the Hail Mary were few, it could only have been a few days at most, but there was something about them that just clung to the back of his mind. Really, it wasn’t even enough time to say goodbye, not that he had much to bid farewell too, but that was probably part of the problem.
He was never sure why his lack of remembrance bothered him though. After all, it wasn’t like they were memories he needed to unearth, there was nothing to remember. Maybe it was just the idea of his last few precious moments on Earth being spent under a cocktail of medications and strapped to a gurney had him shuddering. Even though, in the end, it was probably best he didn’t remember the situation because just the thought of being shot into the stratosphere made him entirely nauseous.
…Still, he wondered.
He wondered if anyone kept him company while in the hospital, waiting for the last few preparations to be made. He knew Stratt wouldn’t, or–well–maybe she would, but it was unlikely she wouldn’t have had a million other situations to straighten out. Kidnapping a scientist and sending them into space probably came with a lot of paperwork. Selfishly, he hoped she had to. He wished that somehow she would’ve been forced to sit and see what she’d willingly done to him, though it’s likely it wouldn’t have made much of a difference in her mind.
The worst part about it was that Grace couldn’t exactly say he blamed her.
He tried, but the truth was, if he’d been in the same impossible situation, he might’ve done the same to her.
A moot point. She was probably off ruining someone else’s life.
…She might’ve sent Carl too though. As one of the few people Grace might’ve considered a friend at some point, he would’ve been the best choice to keep Grace company in his last moments. Maybe, in her mind, that would be a comfort to his unconscious self. Sometimes he even thought he had vague recollections of Carl’s voice telling him things he couldn’t attach a situation to. Faint words of encouragement he couldn’t quite piece together, but that stemmed beyond the faint “you’re gonna do great” he’d gotten when he pleaded for help before being drugged.
At the end of the day, it didn’t really matter. He would never know, he couldn’t, and maybe that was better. His lack of connections and reasons to potentially not be shot into space wasn’t something he wanted to dwell on. Though, when your body is trying to recover from slowly falling apart from scurvy, various anemias, and all manner of other malnutrition related issues, and there’s little else you can do except think, it’s easy to find yourself drifting back to a lot of the same issues.
If I had connections on Earth, would the outcome have changed?
Is there anything else I could’ve done?
I didn’t want to die, was that a selfish choice?
Should I have volunteered anyway?
Did anyone watch me sleep, before they sent me away?
Would it bother me more if they didn’t?
A tidal wave of questions that would never have a definitive answer, but that plagued Grace nonetheless. So, he did what he’d started doing whenever he had a question he didn’t know how to answer. He rolled over in his bed, letting the embroidered quilt drift off his shoulder, and squinted into the darkness.
“Rocky?” His voice was softer than he intended, but he knew the Eridian would detect it regardless.
“Grace supposed to be sleeping, statement.” Rocky’s voice echoed from the doorway. It was firm, but not harsh, like a parent who had already told their kid to go to bed at least three times, but would still get up to check under the mattress for monsters if asked.
Grace grumbled, rolling his eyes as he flopped onto his back to stare up at where the ceiling would be if he could see in the dark. “Just, humor me a minute?”
“Why would I make you laugh when I want you sleeping, question?” The soft sound of Rocky skittering across his tube system towards where Grace was laying echoed through the bedroom.
Grace couldn’t help but laugh a little. “No, it’s a saying, it means listen to me talk for a minute and try to keep an open mind.”
“Grace supposed to be sleeping.” Rocky doubled down.
“I know, buddy, and I will, but just…please? It’ll only take a second.”
Rocky grumbled for a few moments with a variety of sounds that the translator couldn’t pick up before replying. “...Fine. Grace will be humored and then sleep.”
“Yeah, sure, sure, just…” Grace sighed, reaching up to rub his face. “...you volunteered for this mission, right?”
Rocky’s hums came from right above him, and Grace could hear the scuffle as he settled down over Grace’s head. “No understand, explain word.”
“Volunteered? Oh, um, it means like…you offered to go. No one asked you specifically, you just kinda showed up and went ‘hey, guys, I can do it, send me’.” Grace emphasized the sentiment with little jazz hands, which he immediately dubbed as cringe in his head and vowed to never do again.
Rocky tapped a few of his legs against the ground as he spoke. “Mm, Eridians not make decisions that way. At least not for this. After thrum, made big list of best engineers, Rocky at the top. First Eridians on list could not go because of many reasons, so they did other things instead. Rocky could go, no eggs to look after and Adrian still young and willing to wait, so Rocky went.” After a moment, he tacked on. “Was an honor to go, Rocky happy to serve Erid.”
Grace nodded. “Yeah, that’s kind of what I meant. No one forced you, it was your decision.”
“Yes. Rocky decided.” There was a brief pause, then Rocky inquired. “Why Grace ask?”
Grace opened his mouth, then closed it, then opened it as he tried to describe to the Eridian the millions of thoughts that were racing through his mind. After all,“There’s something about this situation that keeps reminding me how helpless I was for an indeterminate amount and now I’m thinking about how much of a coward I was and how even though I can’t blame the people who put me in that situation, I still want to. And that I don’t deserve to be called a hero or even brave at all because I had nothing worthwhile to lose but I still couldn’t do it.” was probably too much information and not enough context for an alien who was in the same exact situation as him.
So, instead, he just said. “I’m just…thinking. About how I got here. The stuff that happened.”
“That what make Grace weird today, question?”
“Make me weird? What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Grumpy. Sad. Weird. Stare at wall and not answer Rocky. Thought Grace was tired, but Grace make it seem like thoughts are to blame. Too many thoughts. How human have such inefficient brains but so many thoughts, question?”
Despite the circumstances, Grace had to let out a soft laugh. “For someone so impatient, you sure are perceptive.” He muttered softly, reaching up to rub his eyes again. “...Yeah. That might be why. Do you not have off days too?”
“Rocky is always on. Does not turn off. What Grace mean by ‘off’ day, question?”
“Like a day you don’t feel like yourself or a day where things aren’t going right despite your best efforts.”
Rocky hummed, and when he spoke again his voice held distinctly more patience. “Yes. Rocky have ‘off’ days too. Used to have them on Erid too. Had them a lot on ship after leaving. Had even more after crew died.”
Grace nodded, letting out a long breath. “So not just a human thing, just a life thing, huh? The more you know.” He twirled a piece of the quilt around his fingers. “Guess everyone has to have a bad day sometimes.”
Finishing his thought, Grace fell silent, though continued to stare wide eyed up at the ceiling. He folded his arms over his chest and let his head fall back against the one limp pillow strapped to the mattress. Briefly, he wondered if he squinted into the darkness long enough if his eyes would adjust enough for him to be able to see Rocky wherever he was sitting.
After a few moments of silence, Rocky spoke again. “Thought Grace didn’t remember how he got in space, question?”
Grace bit his cheek and squeezed his eyes shut. “I…remembered recently.” He paused for a minute to take a breath as the memory of his experience drifted back to him and the cacophony of negative emotions that came with it. Before he knew it, tears were pricking the corners of his eyes and he had to reach up and aggressively scrub them away with his sleeve. “It was, uh, unexpected. Not really what I wanted to happen.”
The clattering overhead grew louder, but before he could ask what the Eridian was up to, there was a loud thud and his bed swayed a little. Grace jumped, heart leaping into his throat as he padded around for a light source. However, as he flailed around, his hand made contact with the glassy exterior of Rocky’s ball instead. He paused, then reached out again to run his hand across the material. As he did so, something gently prodded between two of his ribs and began to push him over.
“Make room for Rock.” Rocky rumbled, shoving Grace’s torso so he could spin around and settle into the space between Grace’s arm and abdomen. “Move, move, move, Grace take up too much space.”
“Hey–! Well, this is my bed, it’s only supposed to have space for me–okay, fine, I guess, just invite yourself in, why don’t you?” Grace griped, but scooted over anyway.
Rocky spun in circles a few times, pushing and pulling at Grace until he had successfully bullied Grace into a position he was allegedly happy with. Grace ended up shifting to lay on one side in a sort of half-moon shape as Rocky curled up like a house cat to press against his stomach. Once Rocky had stopped moving, Grace let himself wiggle one arm out from under the blanket to loosely drape over Rocky’s body. He tried to tell himself it was because there wasn’t really space for it anywhere else, but he wasn’t fooling anyone. The container was pleasantly warm to the touch, and in no time at all Grace found himself relaxing into the arrangement.
“This a new suit?” Grace asked, rapping his knuckles against the edge of Rocky’s new container. “It’s nice. Slimmer.”
“Yes. Made to watch Grace closer. Rocky tired of watching Grace sleep from far away, wanted to be closer.” Rocky rumbled, scooting even closer somehow. “Normally would be on your chest. But will make do with this for tonight.”
Grace resisted the urge to groan. “Lucky me.”
Without acknowledging the obvious sarcasm, Rocky went right for the jugular. “Grace tell Rocky what he remembered, question?”
Grace winced, lip curling up. “Sometimes I hate that perfect memory of yours.”
“Memory bothers Grace. Grace not sleep until bothering stops. Better to get it out and sleep then keep on thinking, thinking, thinking.” Rocky replied matter of factly as if it were clearly the most logical conclusion (even though maybe it was). “Grace tell Rocky what happened so Grace will feel better and sleep.”
“I’m gonna start calling you the sleep police.” Grace sighed.
“Good. Rocky better sleep police than Grace.”
Grace sighed. Deep down–well, maybe not that deep–he knew Rocky had a point. Letting all of his problems fester and boil under the surface of his mind would probably only lead to more sleepless nights and a worse breakdown later. Still, how do you tell your only friend that’s an alien from a completely different civilization who thinks of you as this brave, intelligent being that you remembered you didn’t actually volunteer for this position because were too much of a coward and had to be dragged kicking and screaming because you couldn’t pull yourself together enough to put aside your own fear of death, especially when they readily volunteered?
After a few long minutes, Grace opened his mouth and began to speak. “I didn’t volunteer for this mission. I didn’t…I didn’t want to go. I wasn’t even supposed to.” He had to pause to swallow the lump in his throat before continuing. “The two scientists who were supposed to both died in a freak accident right before launch and I was, well, kinda the only person who knew the material well enough to go on such short notice…”
Rocky let out a soft hum, one of his legs thumping against the ground under Grace, but he didn’t say anything specific so Grace kept going. “Naturally, they asked me to go instead. It made sense, logically at least, but you know…we weren’t supposed to come back. At the time, I couldn’t really come to terms with the whole ‘dying in space’ thing. So, I told them no, I couldn’t do it, but I guess them asking me was really more of a formality than an actual choice. I should’ve known, Stratt never was one to take no for an answer.”
Grace tried to laugh, but the sound got caught in his throat and ended resounding a lot more like a choked sob. And in all honesty, it kind of was. Using the back of his hand, Grace haphazardly wiped the tears that were gathering around the corners of his eyes so he could finish his story.
“I tried to run, but I didn’t get very far before they tackled me to the grass and sedated me–forced me to go to sleep, I mean–and that was that. Next thing I knew I was on the Hail Mary in the middle of nowhere and couldn’t remember my own name. Shipped into space against my will.” Despite his best efforts to keep it in, the tears began to roll faster and faster and Grace stopped being able to keep up though he tried his best. “Crazy, right? Not like I can really blame them with the Earth dying and all that. Honestly, I should’ve just volunteered like you and everyone else did–”
“Grace is very brave.”
Rocky’s rumblings were surprisingly calm, cutting off Grace’s nonsensical, self-deprecating ramblings with ease. Still, his few simple words shut down the entirety of Grace’s train of thought, leaving the human dumbfounded in the dark.
“...Rock, I just finished telling you about how I was so much of a coward I had to be dragged aboard the Hail Mary.”
Rocky hummed, unbothered. “Is different. Grace afraid for life. Very normal, very healthy, even nature say so. Grace wanted to live, that not cowardly, that just life.” Somehow, Rocky managed to scoot even closer to Grace so he could reach out with hand and pat Grace with two hands at once. “But Grace still came back for Rock, even when it meant Grace would not go home, and would die instead. Grace saved all of Erid, and Erid isn’t even Grace’s home. Grace is brave. Grace is the bravest.”
As his tears continued to bubble, he managed to admit. “I don’t feel very brave, Rocky.”
“Mm, brave not always a feeling, sometimes it just is. Grace trust Rocky, question?”
“You know I do.”
“Then trust Rocky knows what Rocky is talking about.”
Grace had already been doing a terrible job of keeping his tears under control, but Rocky’s stilted English somehow managed to hit every single pressure point Grace had trying to keep under control and released the painful sobs that had been simmering just below the surface for months. Curling in on Rocky, he wrapped his arms around the Eridian and just let himself cry for a bit. It was…cathartic, to say the least, and Rocky just let him without a peep of complaint, even when Grace got his tears and snot on the glass.
After a few minutes, the tears began to wane and Grace let out a long, shaky sigh. “....Thanks Rock, sorry to unload on you there.”
Rocky didn’t say anything for a moment, then his musical tone pitched up, anger visible in every note. “Earth should not have done that to Grace. Was not fair. Was not safe.”
Grace shrugged lightly, rubbing the rapidly draining snot from his nose. “Nothing about this mission was safe or fair. They did what they had to in order to keep Earth safe and I can’t really hold it against them. I get why they did it. One life for billions, not much comparison there. Simple math, you know?”
“No. Don’t like it. Makes Grace’s life sound worthless.” Rocky replied grumpily, butting his head up against Grace’s arm. “...Grace didn’t even have anyone to watch him sleep. Unacceptable.”
Huffing a laugh, Grace patted Rocky. “It’s okay, bud. Humans have slept for thousands of years without being watched and survived, it’s not so bad for us. Plus, Mary kind of watched me.”
With what could only be described as a ‘harumph’, Rocky grumbled. “Do not believe Grace. If humans not need sleep watched, why Grace always sleep better with Rock watching, question?”
“I feel like your evidence for that claim is fairly biased.” Despite not being able to see Rocky in the dark, Grace raised an eyebrow at him. “I’m the only human you’ve ever met, and the only human you’ve watched sleep. Who knows? Maybe I only sleep well with you staring at me because I’m used to it.”
“Wrong, wrong, wrong. If Rocky not watch, who would chase away Grace’s bad thoughts, question?” Rocky didn’t leave any room for comment, instead steamrolling straight ahead of whatever thought Grace tried to get out next. “Grace would just lay awake and be stupid. With Rocky here, stupid thoughts go away. See? Better for Grace to be watched. Rocky knows. Rocky much older and smarter than Grace.”
Grace blinked sluggishly and nodded, reaching up to rub at the faint ache that was brewing between his eyes. “Sure Rock, whatever you say.”
Shifting a little further onto his hip, he reached up and fluffed his pillow so he could better bury his face into it. The cold fabric felt especially nice on his flushed cheeks, and he hummed softly as he pressed his nose against the plush cushion. He let out a long sigh, allowing the remaining tension to drip from his shoulders so he could properly sink into the mattress and, consequently, against Rocky. The various shifting had resulted in Rocky relocating to rest at his chest. The Eridian’s presence was a comfortable warmth against his torso, and it reminded Grace much of the old stuffed dinosaur that could be heated up in the microwave one of his students had given him. Except, of course, this was a living breathing alien, which was something Grace realized he’d never really get over. Releasing another soft exhale, he let his eyes flutter shut, but not before giving Rocky’s exosuit an affectionate squeeze. Then, he finally prepared to drift off.
Though, before he slipped away into the land of the unconscious, he softly muttered. “Thanks, Rocky.”
“Grace is welcome.” Rocky replied. “But Grace not need to thank Rocky.”
Whatever Grace would’ve said next was lost to his dreams. He sighed quietly instead, curling a little tighter around Rocky and began to drift. As he did so, Rocky began to hum softly. It wasn’t a particularly consistent sound, the tone shifting up and down as if to harmonize with the faint creaks and groans of the shift, but it was enough to chase away the last few pesky, painful thoughts that hung around in Grace’s brain and left him with a clear path into a deep, dreamless sleep.
However, before he was quite out of this realm and into the next, he thought he sensed one last sentiment from the Eridian. Maybe it was a dream, but he could’ve sworn he heard Rocky murmur one last thing.
“Grace can go to sleep now. Rocky here to watch Grace from now on. Not Earth’s job anymore. Rocky make sure Grace stay safe, always and forever. Grace never have to be alone again, sleeping or not. Grace is 🎵🎵 now.”
Grace was no longer conscious enough at that point to interpret the phrase, so as he fell asleep, all that was on his mind was: “I’ll have to ask him what that means when I wake up…”
And perhaps that was Rocky’s ingenious plan the whole time, we'll never know, but curiosity over a friend has always been a much better sleeping companion than aching thoughts of what can’t be changed, and Grace never could resist a good puzzle.