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"This isn't happening." Distantly, Easthies was aware he looked horrible. His face was white, fist clenched, heart beating faster and faster— but this wasn't happening, so really, there was no reason for any of that to have started. He was dreaming. Or maybe this was some fucked-up Brimhat trick, to turn Easthies against his own allies. It wasn't— it couldn't be real. Not Utowin. Anything but…
Anything but this.
Since he was dreaming, it was weird that he could feel the sharp press of his fingernails digging into the calloused flesh of his palms. Weird that it stung like this. Weird how vividly aware he was of the way raw, pink skin was exposed to sharp air, yet he couldn't lessen the pressure. Weird that his chest felt like his heart was ripped out and tossed down the stairs: it just kept falling and bumping and crashing, becoming more and more bloodied and bruised.
"It's definitely happening." That was Utowin's voice, Utowin's sarcastic smile— everything was a perfect replica. Everything except for that damn hat. The wings bent down, overlapping and covering most of his forehead. Feathers continued all the way around, meeting in the back. The only thing Easthies could think to call it was a brim.
But that was impossible. Utowin wouldn't do that to him. Utowin wouldn't do any of this to him. There were so few people that Easthies could rely on, let alone managed to trust. It wasn't possible that he'd misjudged someone this badly. Utowin couldn't be a brimhat. He couldn't.
"I've been one for years," Utowin added. Steady, unwavering. "I mean, what better place for us to hide? Nobody would suspect a knight of being a brimhat. Not even you, if you trusted him enough."
"I've known you since we were eleven." Easthies's voice was supposed to be stronger than this. "When did you—"
"After I joined the knights," Utowin replied. "What we were doing, wiping peoples' minds— it wasn't right, but I didn't know what else I could do. And the brimhats explained what they were doing, and how I could learn to undo some of the harm." He was still. Completely still. Staring, waiting for a response.
"Do you think I can't tell when you're lying?"
"What?" His eyes widened, weight shifting back. Basically confirmation: Easthies was right. "This isn't a joke. I'm telling you so that you know not to come after me."
"If you were telling the truth, do you seriously think you'd leave this room a free man?"
"What'll you do? Wipe my mind?" He pulled up a sleeve, revealing a circle on his arm. It looked real, but… the circle was closed, and the actual contents of the spell looked dangerous. If it were actual magic, it would be affecting Utowin. "And if I were lying, how would I have this? No pointed cap would do this to me." He couldn't keep his gaze steady. Utowin had never been able to, not when he was thinking. On his other hand, his index finger picked at the nailbed of his thumb.
"If you're telling the truth, attack me."
"I'm sorry, what?"
"You say you're a brimhat, even though I've known you for years, and you can't hide a secret from me for longer than two months. You say you cast forbidden magic, but we both know you've never been interested in magic at all. And you want me to believe you'd turn your back on me?"
"I—" he stepped back, eyebrows furrowing.
"Besides, if you hurt me, what else do I have to lose?"
"What are you saying?"
"The spell Vinanna took would've erased all memories of using magic. She intercepted it, it was meant for Coco— who knows how it could affect her? She won't remember me, and she's—"
Something dark and ugly rose in his chest, blocking his throat. He couldn't go into that. If he thought about what he did for too long, the cracks in him would shatter, and he wasn't sure if he could put those pieces together. This whole time, Easthies had been broken, and those shards had been glued together with his hatred of forbidden magic and his loyalty to the pact. Would that be enough to put these pieces back together, too?
"I'm on an indefinite suspension," he continued. "Luluci intends to help that criminal brimhat child, Galga may as well be dead, and now you say you're a traitor? So prove it. Brand me. I don't care."
"No."
"Do it," he hissed. "I deserve it. I've betrayed the knights, betrayed you—"
"Holy shit, Easthies, quit it," Utowin hissed. "I'm not turning myself into the knife you cut yourself with."
"Then what's the point of this?"
"Maybe I just wanted to explain myself before I left."
"You're making yourself an enemy on the battlefield. At least show me you mean it."
"Are you crazy?"
"Wasn't that already obvious?"
Utowin made a choked noise and stormed out. Easthies should've gone after him. It's what a knight was trained to do. He was making all of these insane claims, and without knowing why, it was his job to keep investigating.
A knight would've gone after him. For now, Easthies wasn't a knight. What he was instead, he wasn't sure— there might just be an empty hole where his purpose was supposed to be.
Instead of chasing Utowin, when he heard muffled voices outside his door, he crept across the room. An amplification spell was easy to draw, and pressing one on the door would reveal whatever Utowin was discussing.
"—clearly won't work," Luluci argued. "I'm not sure why we can't just tell him. He had higher clearance than me."
"He'll blame himself. Did you hear what he just said?"
"Utowin—"
"Did you?" He asked again. Desperation coming from Utowin, of all people, just felt wrong. "So much is already his fault, and it's killing him. Soon he'll start deflecting it on Coco and Custas and Tartah, because—"
"The kid who almost died, and the one captured by brimhats? Seriously?"
"As if it's normal for the knights to have to deal with twelve-year-olds in the first place." He sighed. "Come on. Easthies needs someone to be mad at, or he'll just keep sinking. Neither of us has the drive that he does. And now of all times—"
"He's suspended for a reason, Utowin."
"If we don't trust Easthies, who do we trust? Be serious."
"I trust him. You trust him. But actions have to have consequences. He disobeyed direct orders. Until I approve him, he won't be on active duty. Which means," she added, followed by the sound of her hand making contact with his shoulder, "that you should just tell him the plan."
"He can't know," Utowin kept insisting. "He wouldn't be able to—"
The two kept bickering, but Easthies stopped processing their words. He felt like he was underwater. Like his life had turned to some sick practical joke.
He was lying so that Easthies would hate Utowin instead of himself. Maybe he'd assumed that by breaking a little more of Easthies's world, it'd be easier to fit the rest of it back together. What Utowin didn't know was that Easthies was already shattered, and far too broken to let anything else slip.
Both of them stepped back, shocked, when Easthies opened the door. Utowin's hat was under his arm, the illusion spell drawn on the side broken— he was back to normal; back to being a knight. Dark bags sat under Luluci's eyes, and her hair was tangled.
"Luluci," he greeted, his voice sounding distant. "A word?"
Luluci fixed a glare on Utowin. "Like I said."
"I'm not leaving," Utowin said to Easthies.
"Okay. Luluci, are you still—"
"Yes, I'm still going to find Custas. No, I don't intend to treat him as a criminal when I do."
"How do you expect that to work?"
"I don't know," she sighed. "I expect, maybe, we can start have more leniency for manipulated children with death hanging over their heads."
"What about the others?"
"Easthies, my plans center around the adults," she told him, her voice exhausted. "I'm guessing that's not why you're here."
"It's not," Easthies agreed. "But what Utowin is doing seems too dumb to be real."
"It is not dumb," Utowin mumbled.
"Honestly, it's our best chance at making real progress," Luluci agreed.
"The plan is for Utowin to join the brimhats and sabotage them, right?"
"Spy on them, and use their knowledge to figure out a non-forbidden way to restore memory." He shifted his weight awkwardly. "If you would've just hated me, that would've sold it."
"It wouldn't. Besides, Luluci, you can't afford to lose a knight—"
"You know, Beldaruit wrote to me," Luluci interrupted. "Vinanna had spies. A lot of people knew they existed, but only she knew who they were. They were older, and more ingrained, and we still had limited information on how to protect ourselves from brimhats. Now, we have no idea how to contact them, no idea who they are, and Vinanna has lost a full twelve years of information. It's all written down, of course, but in code, and she developed that code six years ago. She taught you to make your own, I'd wager, but not her own." How did she know that? "The knowledge to get her memory back might lie with the brimhats, and that's kind of our only hope. So no," she concluded, "we don't exactly have a better option. Even if I don't want to lose a knight."
"Why does the spy need to be a knight?"
"Do you want to trust someone you don't know to research forbidden magic?"
"Hmph." There had to be some fatal flaw that would doom this plan. Other than the obvious: it was risky, it had a high chance of failure, and if anyone should have to clean up the mess Easthies had made, it should be him.
Also, Utowin? Really? He had the personality, maybe, but he'd never liked doing magic. Utowin had certainly never really cared about the advanced intricacies of making spells. None of them did, because that wasn't the specialty of the knights. If he were to send someone, it would've been Galga, but…
A selfish part of him wished they could pick Atwert. Already, Atwert had been willing to consider taking desperate measures for Galga. If they could have harness fire, but have it be under their own control? The possibility was appealing. Unfortunately, it wasn't possible. If it were Utowin with his memory lost, and Easthies was given the knowledge to save him, even he might not be able to resist the allure of forbidden magic.
Was that why Luluci didn't want to be the one going? Besides the fact that she was left as the leader, of course, while Vinanna was incapacitated and Easthies was suspended. It was obvious that the festival had left her questioning the principles that all of them stood for.
"We shouldn't be researching it at all. It's forbidden for a reason. You're suggesting he commit the worst crimes—"
"No," Luluci interrupted. "He won't actually do forbidden magic. If he learns about it, he may find a way to use legal magic to—"
"Memory restoration falls under medical magic, which is illegal."
"Are you seriously okay with leaving us vulnerable to this happening again? There are so many cases where magic combines with medicine. I mean, even glasses are…" She shook her head. "No. You can't rule out even researching it."
"If something affects memory, you need to cast memory on the body to reach it. That's the only reason memory spells are permitted in the first place. Are you really suggesting there could be another way?"
"Yeah," Luluci said, chin jutting up. Meeting Easthies with equal force. "Because if we give up, it could be me next. Hell, it could be you." The look in her eyes shifted. "What's keeping them from wiping your mind and making you join them?"
"I wouldn't—"
"You wouldn't know not to."
The silence between them was uncomfortable. There was nothing to say: Easthies didn't have an answer, and Luluci had made her point.
"Utowin, if you do this, eventually, you will break the pact. I can't go easy on you." He wasn't begging. He wasn't. Easthies didn't beg.
He just chuckled. His eyes were damp. "This is why I wanted you to just hate me."
"I'd have to be an idiot to fall for that."
"We both know you can be one, sometimes."
Shit. Was this the last time he'd see Utowin?
"Don't get yourself killed. Be careful."
"Don't worry so much," he just laughed. "It won't be that long, really." Utowin's hand was on Easthies's face, brushing the skin near his eyes. "And if we can defend ourselves without using forbidden magic, it can save lives. I don't want to lose another person." He leaned his forehead forward, and Easthies met it.
Before totally knowing what he was doing, he tilted his head, leaning his lips to meet Utowin's. It wasn't clingy or desperate or aggressive. The kiss— their first kiss, and maybe their last— was just the movement of two people trying to memorize each other.
"You'll come back," Easthies told him. "And you're not allowed to come back as a traitor, or a criminal, or a body." If there was any two people he could trust to do this, it was Utowin and Luluci.
And they were fixing Easthies's own mistakes. This would help to heal their comrades. Luluci was in charge, there was a precedent, and this would give the knights a huge advantage advantage. Easthies really had no argument against it, especially not while his own membership was up in the air.
"I will," Utowin promised. "I'll come back to you." Somehow, Easthies managed to believe him. After all, when it really mattered, Utowin always managed to follow orders.