Work Text:
🐴🏒The Centaurs of the Apocalypse🏒🐴
Today 10:15 AM
Bood
Hollzy, how's your head?
I haven't heard any complaints
But you could always ask Ilya.
Bood
I MEANT AFTER YOUR CONCUSSION AND BROKEN FACE HOLLANDER
Hayes
🤣🤣🤣
Barrett
Holy shit
Ilyusha 🩵
It's great 👍
Haas
😳
*****
🏒Real Housewives of Ottawa🏒
Today 12:37 PM
Cassie
Shane, you're still on IR right?
LTIR unfortunately 😔
Cassie
Are you going to be traveling with the team for this roadie?
I haven't decided yet. I don't need team rehab or anything so I don’t HAVE to go but I'm also not supposed to step foot on the ice until my x-rays clear
Caitlin
So, what I'm hearing is that you are going to be home for wine watch parties 🥳
I don't know how much fun I'll be watching and not being able to play
Ilyusha 🩵
He will pout like angry kitty. Very cute.
You're supposed to be at practice 🙄
Ilyusha 🩵
I am not allowed a water break? Or to check on my poor injured husband?
Harris
You should come, Shane! It's more talking than watching anyway.
Yeah okay 🙂
Ilyusha 🩵
Look at you, making friends
I'm going to bite you
Ilyusha 🩵
Promises, promises 😼
*****
🐴🏒The Centaurs of the Apocalypse🏒🐴
Today 3:42 PM
Good luck, guys. Don't embarrass me 👋
Young
That's so ominous tf
Dykstra
He's going to be watching. He'll see everything.
And I will be commenting so maybe don't fuck up
Chouinard
Ahahahha
Ilyusha 🩵
Fuck I love when you have hockey tunnel vision 😍
Bood
Aht! No flirting in the main chat.
Barrett
Please!
Ilyusha 🩵
This feels homophobic
You can't say that every time someone says something you don't like
Barrett
I'm literally gay???
Ilyusha 🩵
I can do whatever I want in the face of oppression
Shut up and put your phone on airplane mode
Ilyusha🩵
Yes dear
LaPointe
🤣🤣
Hayes
🐕🚶♂️
🏒Real Housewives of Ottawa🏒
Today 4:10 PM
Shane removed Ilya from the Chat
Nicole
Uh oh
Selena
👀👀👀
He's playing this week and I'm not so he doesn’t get SAP privileges
Lisa
Does this mean I have free reign to flirt with you 👀
Cassie
Baby… you act like Roz being here ever stopped you
Harris
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Lisa
I won't stand for this character assassination
Lisa
I am a wife. I am a respected physician.
You have an entire folder on your phone full of pictures of me
Nicole
He's got you there!
Oh. There will likely be more additions to that folder after tomorrow
Lisa
!!!!!!
Selena
What ads have you done recently?
Caitlin
Someone make sure Lisa is breathing
I filmed something a while ago. I got the email this morning that it's being published tomorrow
Harris
Lemme get socials ready 🤣
*****
🏒Real Housewives of Ottawa🏒
Today 7:05 AM
Lisa
SHANE WHATEVER YOUR MIDDLE NAME IS HOLLANDER
Nicole
You know the man was on a macrobiotic diet but you don't know is middle name??
Cassie
Weird priorities but go off
Caitlin
Fake fan
I don't have a middle name
Selena
What could he possibly have done already? It's 7am
Lisa
[A link to a Peloton ad featuring Shane Hollander]
Lisa
[A screencap of a pair of tiny white shorts.]
Lisa
[A gif of Shane Hollander lifting a tank top to wipe sweat from his face.]
Caitlin
SHANE HOLLANDER
Harris
🫣🫣🤯😳🫣🫣
Selena
oh. my. god.
Nicole
I feel faint
Lisa
I think my fucking nose is bleeding
🐴🏒The Centaurs of the Apocalypse🏒🐴
Today 7:15 AM
Hayes
I was woken up by my wife sending me this video [Link to the Peloton ad.]
Bood
Damn
Boyle
Okay, Hollander
Barrett
That is… something
Ilyusha 🩵
AVERT YOUR EYES
Haas
Oh wow
Ilyusha 🩵
Stop leering at my husband!!!!
Ilyusha 🩵
Yesterday 11:15 PM
Goodnight 🩵🩵
Today 7:20 AM
SHANYA
You are all over the internet looking so HOT what is happening
Do you not like it?
I am in a different country and my husband is online in slutty shorts DANCING covered in sweat
I am surprised wag chat isn't blowing up with Dr. Lisa going crazy
So you haven't noticed
Notice what?
SHANYA ADD ME BACK IN
You are a player right now and I'm not. I am in the sap chat and you're not 😌
🐴🏒The Centaurs of the Apocalypse🏒🐴
Today 8:23 AM
Young
All of my socials are full of that ad
Holmberg
Same! Every app I open there he is! Winking at me and sweating all over the place.
LaPointe
How many times have you watched it?
Holmberg
Yes
Young
Don't ask me the color of nothing
Ilyusha 🩵
COVER YOUR EYES CHILDREN THAT IS YOUR FATHER
LaPointe
Daddy more like
Chouinard
Kid. No.
Boyle
RIP
Ilyusha 🩵
I will see you at morning skate, LaPointe.
Young
LP looks like he's going to throw up
I feel like I've missed some things
Young
Hiiii, Hollzyyyy 👋
Ilyusha 🩵
😠😡🤬
*****
🏒Real Housewives of Ottawa🏒
Today 2:41 PM
Cassie
I am making those jalapeño poppers for tonight
Nicole
YUM 🤤
Selena
I've got hand pies covered!
Caitlin
I'm stopping by Timmy's for donuts for the kids
Harris
”For the kids” 🤣
My sisters are trying a new cinnamon apple cider so I'm bringing some for you all to be guinea pigs
Cassie
I will gladly be a guinea pig for Drover cider 🙋🏼♀️
I am making spicy edamame
Nicole
That sounds so good. I'm bringing chili!
Caitlin
The Boyles being American has its perks 🤌
🤣
Lisa
I'll be by early to get wings and pretzels/dips going!
🐴🏒The Centaurs of the Apocalypse🏒🐴
Today 5:15 PM
Good luck tonight! If you lose, don't come home 😊
[A photo of all the SAPs on the couch in the Boodram's living room. They've all got a drink in their hands. Shane's face is no longer swollen but he has some lingering bruising.]
Ilyusha 🩵
You are so cute I want to squish your face
My face is already broken please don't
Barrett
Did Harris bring the new cider his sisters made? Its so good.
Hayes
Love the absolute mountain of food on Lisa's plate, that's my girl!
The cider is SO good!
Ilyusha 🩵
You look so good AND you're drinking!?!??
I am missing the best Shane cuddling to be in fucking Columbus?????!
You'll be back in a week!
Ilyusha 🩵
☹️☹️
Dykstra
Is Cait drinking the cider?
She's got a seltzer water. Why?
Chouinard
👀👀
Bood
👀👀
Boyle
👀👀
Dykstra
No shut up! We don't know anything. She just had a feeling.
Holmberg
A baby feeling?
Dykstra
We're not talking about this! And don't tell her I said anything, Hollzy, please.
My lips are sealed!
Ilyusha 🩵
At least until the fractures are healed 😜
🖕🖕🖕
See if I ever suck your dick again.
Young
😬😬
Today 8:11 PM
Really great goal, Luca!
Haas
Thank you
Good job stopping Verhulst, Choui. He's been getting too used to no one putting pressure on him in his last few games.
Chouinard
Thanks Hollzy
Ilyusha 🩵
Did you see me punch Langevine? Did you like it?
You're ridiculous 🙄
Ilyusha 🩵
Today 11:52 PM
you played so good tonight
Now you want to compliment me? 😏
You looked soooo hot
i miss you
Shane Hollander
Are you drunk?
I am alone in my bed and my husband is so far awayyyyyy
You were pretty mean to me earlier, Shanya 😢
Said you would never suck my dick again
I want to so bad
I wish my cheek wasn't broken
I wish you were here right now
Call me???
*****
🏒Real Housewives of Ottawa🏒
Today 9:45 PM
Nicole
FMK
Cassie
Here we go lol
Lisa
SHOW ME 3 PICTURES OF SHANE FROM THE PELOTON AD
Harris
Down girl!!!
Nicole
Chuck, Gritty, Stormy
Nicole, you know that I love you right?
But what the fuck
Caitlin
What team is Stormy from again?
Carolina
Lisa
What IS Stormy?
A pig I think? Are we seriously entertaining this?
Harris
Fuck Gritty Marry Chuck Kill Stormy
I guess we are
Nicole
[‘Good Answer' gif from Family Fued.]
Selena
I'm going to have to say the same
Cassie
That has to be the only answer, right? Gritty is too crazy to marry and I don't wanna fuck Chuck… and Stormy scares me.
Caitlin
Gritty would be fun for a night
...Gritty reminds me of Ilya when he gets bored
Harris
So you REALLY wanna fuck Gritty
Or get fucked by Gritty, whatever floats your boat.
Lisa
Whatever rocks your socks
Nicole
Whatever tickles your fancy
Cassie
Whatever flips your pancake
Selena
Whatever turns your crank
Caitlin
Whatever fondles your goose
What the actual fuck?
And you all say that like you don't know already
Harris
Bottom 🤣🫵
Lisa
Bottom 🤣🫵
Cassie
Bottom 🤣🫵
Caitlin
Bottom 🤣🫵
Selena
Bottom 🤣🫵
Nicole
Bottom 🤣🫵
Shane has left the Chat
Harris has added Shane to the Chat
You're all the worst 🙄
*****
🏒Real Housewives of Ottawa🏒
Today 10:06 PM
I did not anticipate this part of being a SAP
Cassie
What part, honey?
I miss Ilya. I don't know how you all do this all the time. You're so much stronger than me.
We used to go weeks and months without seeing each other in person. I feel dumb for whining after just a few days.
Selena
Hey, no. You're allowed to miss your husband.
Caitlin
We all miss them when they're gone. It's normal.
I let Anya in the bed because I needed someone to cuddle.
[A photo of Shane laying in bed. Anya is curled up at his side with her head on his stomach.]
Harris
Aw Shane
I have some meetings and stuff tomorrow but do you want to come meet me at my office and we can go to lunch?
The invitation is obviously for everyone else too 😘
That sounds nice.
Lisa
I'm actually not scheduled tomorrow, I can come!
Cassie
Milo has a check up tomorrow 😔
Caitlin
I could swing a lunch date 🥰
Nicole
I'm not really up for wrangling the twins in public 😮💨😮💨
Selena
I have some morning calls for work but I'm free!
My parents are coming by the house tomorrow to watch the game. You all can come - And bring the kids. Anya would love some little people to chase instead of following me from room to room
Harris
Can I bring Chiron?
Of course!
*****
Three and a half 🏳️🌈FlAGS🏳️🌈
Today 11:49 AM
Harris
Are you jealous???? 😘
[A photo of Shane and Harris in Harris's office. Shane is leaning forward, elbows on Harris's desk with his chin in his hand, as Harris kisses his left cheek.]
Barrett
You look cute 😍
Ilyusha 🩵
What are you two doing today?
Going to lunch with Lisa, Cait, and Selena.
And later everyone is coming over for dinner and to the game
Harris
So you all better win!! 😠
Don't embarrass us!
Barrett
Yes sir 🫡
Ilyusha 🩵
I will break Scott Hunter's thousand year old hip and tell him I did it for you
Barrett
And they say that true romance is dead 🙄🙄
🐴🏒The Centaurs of the Apocalypse🏒🐴
Today 8:15 PM
Intermission Chiron for motivation since you all obviously need it.
[A photo of Chiron and Anya piled on top of each other on top of Anya's bed in the living room.]
Bood
That felt a little backhanded
Ilyusha 🩵
Is okay. His backhand is weak.
Young
Oh shit
Chouinard
😬😬
You can talk to me about my backhand when you don't let Scott Hunter win a face-off and score in the first 30 seconds of the first period 😌
LaPointe
Shots fired!
Hayes
I feel like that was unnecessarily pointed at me as well
If the skate fits 🤷♂️
🏒Real Housewives of Ottawa🏒
Today 9:42 PM
Thank you for today.
Being injured and off the ice really sucks but you guys make it suck less
Cassie
Ooooh Shane has friends 🤣🫵
Lisa
Shane has people who are about him 🤣🫵
Caitlin
People who love him 🤣🫵
Harris
People who like to spend time with him 🤣🫵
Selena
People who understand and support him 🤣🫵
Nicole
Shane has a friend group who adores him 🤣🫵
I hate you all ❤️
*****
🏒Real Housewives of Ottawa🏒
Today 4:09 PM
It is time
Nicole
???
Shane has added Ilya to the Chat
Lisa
Duty 🫡
Caitlin
Hi Roz!
Ilyusha 🩵
Hello my friends! I have returned from war!
Harris
War being a week long roadie
Ilyusha 🩵
Did you all miss me?
No
Ilyusha 🩵
Big talk from the man in the other room who is still naked and on his back waiting for a towel and a water
Selena
ROZ
Nicole
Good for you, Shane!
Cassie
You guys got home like 4 hours ago?????
Shane removed Ilya from the Chat
Harris
Shane Hollander!
The bottom of all time 🫡
Lisa
Holy shit 🤣🤣🤣
Caitlin
Hopefully you didn't blow him
Cassie
Gotta look out for that money maker 😉
Lisa
[Winking gif from the Peloton ad.]
Shane left the Chat