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Shane Hollander vs Brazil

Summary:

The year is 2026, and Shane Hollander thought being a gay professional hockey player married to his former rival had prepared him for anything a social media mob could throw at him. He had faced the wrath of homophobes, Montreal fans and Rose Landry stans. Until, during the Winter Olympics, he accidentally offends the one corner of the internet you're not supposed to mess with.

(Fics in the series are standalone stories that share loose connections and references. Also this is mostly crack.)

Notes:

This is crack and might appeal to a very niche audience but the idea came to me and I could not contain it. I apologize. Before reading:

- Italics indicate the tweets were originally written in Portuguese and “translated” as if someone had pressed the translate button on Twitter (and yes it is still Twitter).
- Most bad idiomatic translations are on purpose, but I added some links for context when relevant.
- This is a one chapter fic. Chapter 2 is the same fic with the Brazilian tweets in their original Portuguese. Se você fala pt-br, pode escolher qual versão ler.
- I hesitated adding this to the Cottage Honesty series because this is way more unhinged than anything that came before, but it does include a couple of cameos. And I guess it fits into the overall (mis)communication theme.
- I added the ungodly 💬 🔁 ❤️ formatting because I needed to show people getting ratioed to death.
- This is important: Brazilians know fuck all about hockey.
- Also important: all insults depicted in this work are fictional and do NOT reflect the opinion of the author!
- EDIT: I forgot to say this earlier, but this uses book canon and has spoilers for The Long Game (as well as roughly two decades-worth of spoilers for being chronically online).

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter 1: english

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Milano Cortina 2026 (@milanocortina26): Congratulations Lucas Pinheiro Braathen for winning Brazil’s FIRST medal in Winter Olympics history! GOLD in the Giant Slalom!! 🥇🇧🇷
💬829  🔁43.4K ❤️140.6K

Quote-tweeted by Shane Hollander (@ShaneHollander): Congrats @LucasPBraathen! Could have sworn you were Norwegian! 😂

Quote-tweeted by Mariana Massa (@masnova): Oh come on is this guy saying that medal isn't Brazilian??
💬56  🔁1.2K  ❤️601

 


 

Shane Hollander (@ShaneHollander): Congrats @LucasPBraathen! Could have sworn you were Norwegian!  😂
💬2.8K  🔁59 ❤️16

↳ João Magro (@joaogsilveira): who are YOU?

↳ zé-gotinha furry (@gabrielyaoi): [gif: Wagner Moura as Pablo Escobar in Narcos saying fucking gringos] 

↳ vassourinha do curling (@pedronaoesta): People can have dual nationality, or do they not teach you that in school in the fucking united states??

↳ vassourinha do curling (@pedronaoesta): I just realized he's not from the US but Canada. hang on I need to look up how to insult a canadian

Sobrinha da tia Milena (@mayarajoana): Mix of american and french, I bet they don't shower

↳ Bruno Pascoal (@brunopascoal98): vai se fuder/fuck you/va te faire foutre

↳ João Magro (@joaogsilveira): go home and listen to avril lavigne and nickelback

↳ vassourinha do curling (@pedronaoesta): Show more respect to Avril pls 

 

Quote-tweeted by Calendário de festas do neymar (@paulodosantos12): This is the Canada hockey team captain. His husband is also on the team and if I’m not mistaken he is Russian and became a Canadian citizen a few years ago. So like cool for LGBT rights and all, but what a nerve to say that?? 
💬15  🔁160 ❤️390

↳ jpg pixelado da gretchen (@itsgagabitch): HUSBAND? 👀

↳ terceira lata de xeque-mate (@marcelacassia): I want to make fun of this guy but I’ll be honest I googled his name and I'm a little shook by the photos



NHL Updates Brasil (@NHLBrasilUpdates): Finally today I'll be able to explain the craziest story in North American hockey and this time people might actually listen. (1/?)
💬19  🔁1.5K ❤️39K

NHL Updates Brasil (@NHLBrasilUpdates): In summary, they were rivals for a decade but they were hooking up the whole time and now they are married, are on the same team, won them 2 Stanley Cups and are now playing for Canada on the first olympic NHL players are allowed to compete in years. (25/25) 
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Ana Paula (@anapaulamoura): It's like if a Flamengo player spent 10 years eating the ass of a Fluminense player I love it 

NHL Brasil Updates (@NHLBrasilUpdates): Not only that, but they were both the best living players in the sport at the time they were doing it. It's like if Garrincha and Pelé were fucking 

Calendário de festas do neymar (@paulodosantos12): ok calm down man

jpg pixelado da gretchen (@itsgagabitch): He's gay and his number is 24? I think it's destiny @ShaneHollander come get your CPF

Sobrinha da tia Milena (@mayarajoana): Nice to know Brazil isn't the only place naming rights have gone out of control if that mug company is buying out whole tournaments in Canada 

 

PodMarx (@podmarx): This is yet another example of how the Winter Olympics are an elitist event, organized by the Global North to exclude most of the world. Follow the thread (1/18)
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Ana Paula (@anapaulamoura): You’re probably right but also I'm 100% rooting for the Canadian hockey team now sorry

 

Shane Hollander (@ShaneHollander): I was just congratulating Lucas! It was an inside joke from when we ran into each other at the opening ceremony, he said the same about my husband being Russian! I have nothing against Brazil and I think you are very deserving of your first Olympic medal. 
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João Magro (@joaogsilveira): WHAT DO YOU MEAN FIRST OLYMPIC MEDAL

Bruno Pascoal (@brunopascoal98): WINTER OLYMPICS ARE NOT EVEN OLYMPICS

zé-gotinha furry (@gabrielyaoi): [jpg: Naked Vampeta posing for G Magazine]

Sobrinha da tia Milena (@mayarajoana): [jpg: Naked Vampeta posing for G Magazine]

Bruno Pascoal (@brunopascoal98): [jpg: Naked Vampeta posing for G Magazine]

 

Shane Hollander (@ShaneHollander): I mean first WINTER Olympic medal!! That's really cool! I know Brazil has plenty of Summer Olympic medals! Rebeca Andrade is an amazing gymnast! Please stop sending me the naked man 
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João Magro (@joaogsilveira): I hate how gringos keep calling the real Olympics the Summer Olympics as if anyone gives a shit about the winter games  

vassourinha do curling (@pedronaoesta): Yes but show more respect to my sport curling pls 🥌🥌

 

Rose Landry Updates (@RoseLandryUpdates): I think it's time to out myself as Brazilian and say BRASIL DEIXA O @ShaneHollander EM PAZ!!! He is our favorite of Rose's gay ex-boyfriends. Here's why (1/?)
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Jabuticaba brasileira (@carolpaula94): not trying to mop over the crap he said, but have you guys seen his underwear ads? 🫦
[photo] [photo] [photo]
💬13  🔁2.1K  ❤️6K

↳  jpg pixelado da gretchen (@itsgagabitch): look with a suitcase like that this shane hollander can insult my country my mother and three generations of my family 

↳ Anya Hollander-Rozanova (@karinaso): I'm trying to use google translate to follow this, but this one got me, suitcase? It's a calvin klein ad

jpg pixelado da gretchen (@itsgagabitch): it means he is PACKING

 

jpg pixelado da gretchen (@itsgagabitch): WHAT DO YOU MEAN THIS IS HIS HUSBAND??? @ilyarozanov
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Sobrinha da tia Milena (@mayarajoana): Oh no, look at their wedding photo on his header, they way they look at each other?? Fine I love them I have never criticized 

Ana Paula (@anapaulamoura): what about them passing the olympic torch to each other in italy?? they are literally crying and so am I  😭😭

terceira lata de xeque-mate (@marcelacassia): The way he looks at Shane I just hope someone looks at me like that one day 😭😭

jpg pixelado da gretchen (@itsgagabitch): I was talking about THAT ASS but yes they’re super cute

vassourinha do curling (@pedronaoesta): He has so many photos with dogs  😭😭😭

 

vassourinha do curling (@pedronaoesta): I say we give @ShaneHollander and @ilyarozanov citizenship and start a national Brazilian hockey team. Since our national football team is sadly deceased ⚰️
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Jabuticaba brasileira (@carolpaula94): Look I think we are halfway there, didn't Latin America annex Canada last week during the Bad Bunny Super Bowl show?

vassourinha do curling (@pedronaoesta): Did you see the Ilya guy is a Bad Bunny fan and there is a bunch of videos of them grinding each other at the casita at a show in Puerto Rico? 

[video]

Jabuticaba brasileira (@carolpaula94): How is it possible that the other one looks so horny and like he is having a panic attack at the same time 

jpg pixelado da gretchen (@itsgagabitch): I looked up their team and check out this Troy guy who is apparently ALSO GAY?? 

[photo]

Ana Paula (@anapaulamoura): I didn’t know you had to be gay to play hockey 

terceira lata de xeque-mate (@marcelacassia): I think you do, look at these warm up exercises 

[photo] 



Camila Costa (@camilacostaFL): @ilyarozanov come get your husband 
💬0  🔁0 ❤️1

Ilya Rozanov (@ilyarozanov): Wow last time I got this many new followers at once was when I told C**well to go fuck himself at that press conference

Camila Costa (@camilacostaFL): I don't think you'll get suspended for this but you might want to tread carefully 

 

Ilya Rozanov (@ilyarozanov): I apologize in the name of my husband, he is bad at internet and doesn't understand Brazil has the best people in the world. Eu te amo Brasil 
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Shane Hollander (@ShaneHollander): Stop sucking up to them, it was just a misunderstanding

Ilya Rozanov (@ilyarozanov): I looked this up they are doing vampetaco on you, is not good 

Shane Hollander (@ShaneHollander): I can handle this. Are you still out getting gelato? We have a game in 6 hours Ilya 

Ilya Rozanov (@ilyarozanov): If you keep this up they will never ask you to pls come to Brazil and I really wanna visit Rio one day

Ilya Rozanov (@ilyarozanov): And I will bring you gelato, what flavor do you want?

↳ Shane Hollander (@ShaneHollander): We can go to Rio whenever we want. We don't need the entire country's permission, I'm sure we just need a visa

↳ Shane Hollander (@ShaneHollander): See if they have sugar free chocolate 

Ilya Rozanov (@ilyarozanov): Boring

Ilya Rozanov (@ilyarozanov): What if they deny your visa because you insulted their olympic medalist???

↳ Shane Hollander (@ShaneHollander): I did not insult him!! It was an inside joke, you were THERE

 

Sobrinha da tia Milena (@mayarajoana): Oh my god they are the cutest thing in the world I will die 

vassourinha do curling (@pedronaoesta): Much like canadian icon Avril Lavigne I have died and will need to be replaced 

jpg pixelado da gretchen (@itsgagabitch): pls come to brazil 

Ana Paula (@anapaulamoura):  pls come to brazil 

zé-gotinha furry (@gabrielyaoi): pls come to brazil 

terceira lata de xeque-mate (@marcelacassia): pls come to brazil 

 

@ShaneHollanderBrasil started following you

@IlyaRozanovBrasil started following you

 

Hannah Hollanova (@hannahi): I'm almost afraid to ask, but why is Shane Hollander's government name trending next to words in portuguese? 
💬2  🔁3 ❤️21

↳ Anya Hollander-Rozanova (@karinaso): I think the entire country of Brazil is catching up on 15 years worth of Hollanov lore 

Hannah Hollanova (@hannahi): omg bless them I will be here when you need me 

 

jpg pixelado da avril lavigne 🇨🇦🏳️‍🌈🇧🇷(@itsgagabitch): how is it possible that until yesterday I didn't even know these two existed, and now I know what a hat trick is and I really want to buy a jersey with a hideous centaur on it?
💬6  🔁2 ❤️25

vassourinha do hockey 🇨🇦🍁(@pedronaoesta): I don’t even remember what @ShaneHollander said anymore but whatever it was I will mop over it 

Ana Paula #VaiOttawaCentaurs 🇨🇦 🏒(@anapaulamoura): I will use a whole zamboni to mop for them. also I cant believe I now know what a zamboni is



Ilya Rozanov (@ilyarozanov): Yes I would love Brazilian passport 
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jpg pixelado da avril lavigne 🇨🇦🏳️‍🌈🇧🇷(@itsgagabitch): If you like dogs you should meet our nacional dog vira lata caramelo

[photo] 

Ilya Rozanov (@ilyarozanov): Oh my god 

 

Quote-tweeted by Ilya Rozanov (@ilyarozanov): @ShaneHollander We must go to Brazil immediately to adopt caramelo  
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Shane Hollander (@ShaneHollander): We already have a dog

Ilya Rozanov (@ilyarozanov): But look at him Shane look at those eyes. This is Anya's brother  

Shane Hollander (@ShaneHollander): Ilya please 

 

Ilya Rozanov (@ilyarozanov): Why do you hate Brazilian dogs @ShaneHollander? Brazil can you help me convince him to get caramelo
💬2.5K  🔁3.1K ❤️18K

Shane Hollander (@ShaneHollander): Ilya no

 

Shane Hollander (@ShaneHollander): These are very cute dogs! I am not saying I don't like Brazilian dogs, I am just saying it would not be logical to fly to a different country to adopt a dog, surely you understand this. 
💬2.2K  🔁71 ❤️1K

 

Shane Hollander (@ShaneHollander): Can you please stop sending me photos of dogs? They are better than the naked man but we can't really adopt another dog right now. Even if we did, there are cute dogs everywhere!   
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Shane Hollander (@ShaneHollander): It was never my intention to offend Brazilian dogs or dogs of any nationality. I’ll be sure to look into regulations for cross-border pet adoption next time we travel to South America.
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vassourinha do hockey 🇨🇦🍁(@pedronaoesta): let’s get these two a CPF so that they can adopt a brazilian dog @govbr @luisamell @JanjaLula @erikahilton 

Ana Paula #VaiOttawaCentaurs 🇨🇦 🏒(@anapaulamoura): Dying imagining those two at the Poupatempo of Sé getting their CPF, paying the fee with Pix, and getting the dog a Sinpatinhas before boarding a Latam flight in Guarulhos 😭😭😭

↳ Anya Hollander-Rozanova (@karinaso): ok I give up on google translate 

 


 

Ilya Rozanov (@ilyarozanov):  Brazil I have a friend @HaydenPike who unfortunately is very uneducated, yesterday he told me he thinks Messi is better football player than Pele
💬2.2K  🔁119 ❤️1K

 

Ilya Rozanov (@ilyarozanov): He also said Emilia Perez should have won an oscar over I'm Still Here, can you please talk to @HaydenPike?
💬3.6K  🔁190 ❤️2K

 

Ilya Rozanov (@ilyarozanov): And @HaydenPike also hates Neymar 
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vassourinha do hockey 🇨🇦🍁(@pedronaoesta): bestie so do we

 

Hayden Pike (@HaydenPike): It is always ominous to open this app and find so many notifications
💬1.4K  🔁91 ❤️880

↳  Hayden Pike (@HaydenPike): @ilyarozanov fuck you man literally WHY  

 

Hayden Pike (@HaydenPike): Messi is great, but Pelé is the greatest soccer player of all time! And I have never watched any of these movies. But I'm sure the Brazilian one deserved that Oscar!  
💬2.1K  🔁190 ❤️2K

João Magro (@joaogsilveira): my god this guy's pride in saying he doesn't watch foreign films

 Bruno Pascoal (@brunopascoal98): watch something that isn't from the fucking united states

Jabuticaba brasileira (@carolpaula94): I don’t know who this guy is but he is also kind of hot, what is in this sport’s water?

vassourinha do hockey 🇨🇦🍁(@pedronaoesta): Have you googled Scott Hunter yet? He’s a retiree 

Jabuticaba brasileira (@carolpaula94): DAMN 

 

Harris Drover-Barrett (@HarrisOTW): Who knew the Winter Olympics were the perfect time to go on your honeymoon in a very warm undisclosed location? Can't wait to watch #TeamCanada 🇨🇦 and our #OttawaCentaurs🏒 own @ShaneHollander @ilyarozanov @WyattHayesHockey get that medal but I also might never go back to work again. 
💬2  🔁1 ❤️50

Retweeted by Troy Drover-Barrett (@TroyBarrett) 

 

Hayden Pike (@HaydenPike): I have watched I'm Still Here and it was such a beautiful story! As a father of five, it really resonated with me. Fernanda Torres is amazing. 
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Ilya Rozanov (@ilyarozanov): You are a puxa saco (did i use that right @camilacostaFL)

Hayden Pike (@HaydenPike): I can’t believe I let Jackie convince me to make you godfather to my fifth and final child 

Ilya Rozanov (@ilyarozanov): This builds character Pike. So you can raise him right when I am not there because I am busy getting Canada gold medal 

Camila Costa (@camilacostaFL): Honestly I fear for a child that has Ilya as a spiritual guide. I hope @ShaneHollander is as involved as possible 

↳ Shane Hollander (@ShaneHollander): I had to cancel a credit card last week because he was buying presents for every single age bracket even though Daniel is still two

Ilya Rozanov (@ilyarozanov): You will all feel like fools 30 years from now when Danya is first astronaut president who is also olympic medalist 

 


 

Scott Hunter (@ScottHunter): I can’t believe that as our best American and Canadian players are returning from Italy with actual medals, the @NHL decides to publish these disgraceful new rules about intimacy on the ice. 
💬452  🔁6.1K ❤️11.2K

↳ Scott Hunter (@ScottHunter): Every player, queer or straight, has hugged teammates. Now that the male league has out couples this is suddenly an issue? This is shameful. Please join me in showing your dissatisfaction using the hashtag #HockeyIsForEveryone and don't forget to tag @RogerCrowellNHL @NHL 

 

Quote-tweeted by Ilya Rozanov (@ilyarozanov): Brasil I have mission for you 😎 🏳️‍🌈🇧🇷 @IlyaRozanovBrasil @ShaneHollanderBrasil @HollanovBrasil @GaysdoHockeyUpdates 
💬744  🔁35.6K ❤️84.2K

 


 

Lucas Pinheiro Braathen 🥇(@LucasPBraathen): @ShaneHollander Thanks, man! 🙌 Congrats on the gold too 🥇🇨🇦 Could have sworn you were Russian @ilyarozanov 😂
💬1  🔁5 ❤️10

 

THE END

Notes:

If you survived this, thank you! I apologize to Winter Olympic Medalist Lucas Pinheiro Braathen for the brief RPF I was forced to include just because I wanted to put Shane Hollander through Twitter hell.

Can't remember if Shane being godfather to one of the Pike's kids is canon or just something I see in fic all the time, but in this future I imagined he is either Arthur's (if it is common to only have one godparent in Canada), or he and Ilya are both Daniel's godparents (if it is common to have two, as it is in Brazil, though it is generally a man and a woman). Also yes I gave Hayden and Jackie another kid just because I wanted to include that bit. I swear he now got that vasectomy.

If you've read After the cottage, Tampa Camila apparently kept in touch with the gang! I hope Ilya updated her contact name, though I would bet he didn't.

Luca was playing for the Swiss national team! And I heard we don't like the USA male hockey team so I gave Canada the gold medal. They did have Shane and Ilya.

Comments are appreciated, and I promise will not be met with pile-ons or vampetaços.