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Simon was an idiot.
He’d thought that about himself many times over the course of his life. Sure, he’d had his moments of insight and cleverness. Everyone did. But he knew damn well that one of his biggest flaws was his temper, and when it flared up, he tended to act without thinking. It had landed him in trouble many, many times.
Like right now.
This was ridiculous. All he’d wanted was to get something out of the storage area next to the lab, but it had been on one of the upper shelves and he hadn’t felt like trying to find a proper stepladder. Instead he’d stolen one of the lab stools and stood up on that so that he could see deeper into the upper cupboards. And it had worked! He’d managed to get high up enough that he could reach past the extra lab equipment to find the spare notebooks he’d been looking for.
Only he’d ended up having to stretch out to grab them all the way at the back of the cupboard, and since he was still getting used to being down an arm, his center of balance was all messed up. He’d leaned forward a bit too far, and the lab stool had tipped and dropped out from beneath him. He’d crashed to the floor with a startled yelp.
“Simon?” he heard Ryland call from somewhere else on the ship.
Shit. His stomach clenched and his cheeks grew hot as he realized how foolish he’d look if Ryland found him sprawled out on the floor like this. He rolled onto his side so he could push upwards with his one arm, and quickly tried to jump to his feet before Ryland arrived.
Only, the second he put weight down on his right ankle, it felt like he’d just shocked it with a live wire. It wasn’t the worst pain he’d ever experienced, but he hadn’t expected it, and the sudden burning sensation caught him off guard. He cried out, that leg giving out underneath him, and immediately crashed back down to the floor.
Of course, that was the moment Ryland and Rocky arrived.
“Simon?” Ryland gasped, immediately spotting Simon lying on the ground. He rushed to Simon’s side, falling to his knees next to him. “Oh my gosh, Simon, are you okay? What happened?”
Still standing in the doorway in his little ball, Rocky let out a series of trills and chirps that Simon couldn’t understand. Normally they tried to keep Ryland’s translation contraption nearby whenever Simon and Rocky were together so that Simon could understand the alien, but since Ryland and Rocky had been off doing their own thing and giving him some space, Simon had left it behind in the dormitory.
Ryland, however, was fluent enough in Rocky’s language that he didn’t need it anymore. He turned to Rocky as he spoke, and then glanced back at Simon. “You fell?” he asked.
Shit. Simon forgot that Rocky could apparently ‘see’ the entire ship with his super-sensitive hearing. He must have watched Simon falling as it happened.
His skin prickling and his face hot, Simon pushed himself to his knees, trying to brush off his stumble. “I’m fine,” he grunted.
“You didn’t sound fine a second ago,” Ryland argued, sounding concerned. But he thankfully didn’t reach out to touch, letting Simon get up on his own.
“Just…stepped funny,” Simon dismissed gruffly.
He reached out and pressed a hand against the storage cabinet next to him, bracing against it as he got his left leg beneath him. He rose to his feet smoothly, glaring down at the floor beneath him as if it had been the cause of his fall.
Ryland remained kneeling on the ground, watching Simon carefully, but Simon refused to move past standing up. He didn’t want Ryland to be here when he finally tried to put his right foot fully down, just in case he stumbled again. Bad enough Ryland (and Rocky) had seen him on the ground like that at all.
But as Simon waited for Ryland to rise, to head back out with Rocky and return to whatever they’d been doing before, the moment stretched longer and longer. Ryland continued to stare up at him without speaking, his hands carefully clenched and resting on his knees. Rocky was similarly silent and still, as if he could sense the tension in the room and didn’t want to disturb it.
Simon had ducked his head to hide his face behind his hair, but he chanced a glance over in Ryland’s direction. Shit. Ryland was looking at him, expression placid and patient. He looked like he was perfectly happy to sit there for a while, waiting Simon out.
“Don’t you have some science shit or something to do?” Simon grumbled, shooting a glare in Ryland’s direction.
“Nothing time-sensitive,” Ryland replied without missing a beat. Then he added, “Do you need some help?”
“No,” Simon snapped almost before Ryland had finished asking the question.
Ryland raised his hands placatingly. “Just checking.”
They returned to silence again. Simon was well used to the quiet, having been stuck alone with nothing but his own thoughts for company for years, between his C.O.I. cell and then the fucking SM-13. But he’d been living on the Hail Mary long enough now to become accustomed to Ryland and Rocky’s usual behaviour. The two of them were never quiet. Always chatting or working on something or arguing. Unless they were sleeping, they seemed to be in constant motion. So the fact that the two of them were both staying perfectly silent and still, just watching Simon standing there, was completely unnerving.
He grimaced. Their stares were starting to make his skin crawl, and he was only getting more uncomfortable the longer the silence stretched. He could feel sweat beading at his temples, his chest growing tighter.
He didn’t want to be feeling like this. He didn’t like this.
And as much as he wanted to believe he’d been improving since arriving on the Hail Mary, he found himself slipping back into old habits, his temper rising to the surface to shove his discomfort down and mask it beneath a growing rage.
“Can you just fuck off already?” he snapped, giving Ryland a murderous look and baring his too-sharp teeth. “Fuck, you can stop hovering already, I’m fine. Go do your science shit and leave me alone.”
A few weeks ago, when Simon was still so new to the Hail Mary that he kept getting lost on the way to the bathroom, that tone would have sent Ryland yelping and scurrying all the way to the other end of the ship. But by this point Ryland had caught on that Simon was more bark than bite around him, and he didn’t even twitch at Simon’s shouting.
“Not until I’m sure you’re okay,” Ryland said calmly, finally rising to his feet. He didn’t approach any closer, didn’t box Simon in, but it brought their height difference to Simon’s attention. It was only a few inches, but right now, Simon couldn’t help but feel a little bit like Ryland was towering over him.
Behind them, Rocky let out a few notes. Ryland didn’t look back at the alien, but he nodded along with whatever Rocky had said in agreement. “Good idea, Rocky.”
Simon shifted his glare towards the doorway. “What?”
“Put weight on your other foot,” Ryland said, the words coming out like a command. “Show us that you’re fine, and we’ll leave you alone.”
Simon’s expression only darkened further, but Ryland just crossed his arms, stubbornly staring Simon down.
“Go on,” he insisted with a stern look.
Simon didn’t move.
“Go on,” Ryland repeated, eyes narrowing.
Simon could feel how tight his jaw was as he clenched his teeth. But Ryland remained where he was, clearly planning to wait him out. He held Simon’s gaze without flinching, until eventually Simon was the one who was forced to look away with a huff.
Fuck. Simon wasn’t going to be able to win this one. Even if he could out-stubborn Ryland, Rocky was standing right there, and as an alien who was already several hundred years old, he had more patience than Simon and Ryland put together. There was no way they were going to leave him alone.
So with a muttered curse, he begrudgingly started shifting his weight towards his right side. His palm was still pressed against the supply cabinets for support, so he was able to move nice and slow, easing more pressure onto that leg bit by bit. For a moment, he almost thought he’d succeed, that he’d overreacted to the initial injury and that he was fine.
But then he tilted one degree too far, and immediately crumpled against the supply cabinet as his right ankle gave out beneath him, unable to bear his weight. “Shit!”
He didn’t fall far, however. Ryland had been watching him like a hawk, and had clearly expected this outcome. He darted forward the second Simon began to stumble, and caught him before he could fall. Simon landed against his outstretched arm, Ryland quickly wrapping both arms around him and steadying him. Instinctively, Simon grasped at Ryland, trying to catch himself.
“Whoa, careful!” Ryland gasped, wincing a little as Simon’s fingers dug into the meat of his shoulder.
“Fuck!” Simon spat, more frustrated with himself than actually hurt. Shame and embarrassment bubbled up in his belly.
“Hey, it’s okay, I’ve got you,” Ryland quickly reassured him. “I got you, it’s fine.”
Simon managed to get his good leg back under himself. The second he could stand upright again, he tried to shove Ryland away, but Ryland just tightened his hold around Simon. “Hey, what are you doing?”
“Let go of me!” Simon demanded.
“If I do that, you’re going to fall down again,” Ryland pointed out. He was trying to stay calm, but Simon could hear a hint of exasperation creeping into his voice.
“Then let me drop,” Simon growled, squirming in Ryland’s hold. He couldn’t seem to work his arm up between them, however, Ryland keeping them pressed too tightly together. It would have almost been considered a hug if Simon wasn’t currently thrashing around trying to break free.
“I’m not going to — no!” Ryland cried. “I’m not going to just drop you!”
“It’s fine!”
“It’s not fine!” Ryland insisted, getting more worked up. “Look, can we just get you to the dormitory? Armando should look you over, you’ve clearly messed up your ankle somehow.”
“No.”
“Yes.”
“I don’t need help!” Simon snapped. “I can handle this on my own!”
“I don’t doubt that,” Ryland said, clearly starting to get just as frustrated as Simon. “I absolutely believe that you could manage a sprained ankle on your own. But you don’t have to. We have a state-of-the-art medical robot for a reason!”
Ugh, Simon hated that thing. But fine, Ryland had a point. Having the stupid robot look him over was probably not a bad idea. He already knew the most likely problem — he’d had enough sprains and strains to recognize the feeling — and how to deal with it, but having the robot help out with bandaging his ankle would probably be easier than doing it himself.
“Fine,” he grumbled begrudgingly. “I’ll go see the robot. Now go away.”
It was hard to get a good look at Ryland’s face right now, from how close they were standing to each other, but he thought he spotted Ryland giving him an incredulous look out of the corner of his eye. “Excuse me? And how the heck are you planning on getting all the way to the dormitory from here on your own? You can’t walk!”
“I’ll hop, then,” Simon said with a sneer. “Or, fuck, I don’t know. Crawl. Let me figure it out, go do your own shit.”
“No!” Ryland cried. “I’m not letting you crawl through the ship, Simon! Are you serious?”
“Yes! Just…I can handle it, okay? So fuck off already!”
“I — !” Simon felt Ryland go stiff against him for a second, and heard the sound of him sucking in air sharply between his teeth. He was perfectly still for a long moment, and then he slowly released the breath he had inhaled, the gust lightly ruffling Simon’s hair.
“Simon,” Ryland said very calmly. The kind of calm that only came from someone trying very hard to mask how angry they were. “I am not leaving you alone right now. You are hurt. What I am going to do is help you get to the dormitory so Armando can give you a check up.”
Blanching at his tone, Simon started squirming again. “You don’t — ”
“Simon!” Ryland shouted, finally raising his voice. “If you keep arguing with me about this, I’ll…I’ll, uh…I’ll pick you up and carry you myself!”
That caught Simon’s attention. He immediately stopped struggling so he could lean back enough to give Ryland an incredulous look. “You wouldn’t. You can’t.”
Ryland didn’t look quite as confident as he probably meant to, but he still met Simon’s gaze evenly. “I can and I will,” he insisted.
Simon scoffed. “I’d like to see you try.”
Oh, that was a mistake.
For a split second, there was a glint in Ryland’s eye that Simon hadn’t seen before, like a fire had been lit within him. And then Ryland abruptly surged into motion. Simon let out a surprised yelp as he suddenly found himself being lifted up into the air. Ryland had hooked his arms beneath Simon’s knees and around his back, hoisting Simon up against his chest. Simon’s arm flailed through the air in alarm, before instinctively curling around the back of Ryland’s neck for support.
“What the fuck?!” Simon gasped. “Put me down!”
“No,” Ryland said simply, already turning and walking back towards the lab. Rocky rolled his ball out of the way to let Ryland pass, chirping something to them. Ryland huffed in response but didn’t say anything else, too focused on making sure he didn’t bump Simon’s head or feet on the round doorway as he stepped from the storage module into the lab space.
“Ryland!” Simon shouted. His face felt like it was on fire. “Put me the fuck down!”
“No,” Ryland repeated.
Growling under his breath, Simon tried to break free from Ryland’s hold, but to his surprise, Ryland only squeezed Simon more firmly against his body, easily holding him in place. Not expecting the casual show of strength, Simon let out a startled little squeak.
“If you keep squirming, I’m going to throw you over my shoulder instead,” Ryland threatened lowly. Simon could feel the rumble of Ryland’s voice deep in his chest from where Simon was pressed tightly against it, and the sensation just made the heat in his cheeks burn even hotter. He settled immediately, Ryland’s warning doing its job. Being carried like this was embarrassing enough; being slung over Ryland’s shoulders like a lumpy sack would have been so much worse. Besides, it wasn’t that bad. Ryland’s hold on him was firm, his arms and body warm against Simon’s own.
If only Simon could calm the racing of his heartbeat. It had started pounding in his chest the moment Ryland had picked him up, and despite his attempts to relax in Ryland’s hold, it wasn’t slowing down. If anything, each shift of Ryland’s arms around him only made it beat faster. Ryland’s arms were strong and steady beneath him, showing no sign of strain despite the fact that Simon wasn’t exactly a small man. Simon had been aware that Ryland wasn’t a total weakling; he’d seen Ryland’s biceps, seen him casually carrying around bins full of heavy scientific equipment. But up until this moment, Simon hadn’t realized exactly how strong Ryland really was.
“You okay?” Ryland murmured as they turned the corner to head down the corridors leading to the dormitory. Rocky was trailing along behind them, rolling along in his little ball and tracking their progress.
“Fine,” Simon spat on autopilot.
“You sure? You got really quiet there.” Simon felt Ryland’s grip on him tighten for a second. “I’m not hurting you, am I?”
“No,” Simon replied. He chanced a glance up at Ryland’s face, finding the man staring down at him from much closer than Simon was used to. He quickly looked away, his pulse jumping and his ears burning. “I’m fine.”
Ryland snorted in disbelief. “Yeah, sure. You said that about your ankle, too.”
“I’m fine,” Simon insisted more firmly.
Ryland made a sound like he wanted to protest, but then he let out a heavy sigh. “I guess we’ll find out if that’s true in a second when Armando takes a look at you.”
They made it to the dormitory with no further discussion. By the time Ryland stopped next to the bed closest to the doorway, he was only barely starting to show the strain of having to carry Simon halfway through the ship, his breath coming a little bit faster and tiny beads of sweat glistening at his temples. He still set Simon down so, so gently, like Simon was something fragile that could break if it was handled too roughly. It was so foreign to Simon that he didn’t even struggle as Ryland let go of him, too stunned to react to finally being free.
“Armando!” Ryland called the medical robot over. “Simon injured himself, can you take a look?”
“Of course, Dr. Grace,” the ship’s voice replied soothingly, the robot already sweeping across the room to hover in front of Simon. Ryland took a few steps back to give the robot some space to work.
“It’s just a sprain,” Simon spat as the robot reached out and poked at his ankle. It was already looking pretty red and swollen, but he knew from experience that if he had tried to make it all the way here on his own, it would have been much worse. “I just need to wrap it and ice it. It’s no big deal.”
“We’ll let Armando be the judge of that,” Ryland told him firmly, folding his arms across his chest.
Simon tried very hard not to stare at the way that made his biceps bulge out noticeably, but he found himself glancing over in Ryland’s direction every few seconds regardless. It was like now that he’d been made aware of how strong Ryland really was, he couldn’t help but notice how well defined his muscles were. He’d never really paid attention to Ryland’s body that closely before, other than his initial instinctive assessment when they’d first met, where he’d determined how he’d take Ryland down if it came to a fight. He’d vaguely noted back then that Ryland was fit enough that Simon wouldn’t be able to overpower him easily. But as time had gone on, and he’d gotten used to how gentle and kind Ryland acted towards him, he’d kind of forgotten that little detail.
Looks like it was finally coming back to slap him in the face.
A few seconds later he was jolted from his thoughts when Armando moved back, finished with its scans.
“Assessment complete,” it announced. “Diagnosis: sprained ankle. Treatment recommendation: compression and ice.”
Simon turned to shoot Ryland a glare. “See?”
Ryland rolled his eyes and threw up his hands in exasperation. “Well, excuse me for being concerned!”
<Simon okay, question?> Rocky asked, finally in range of the translation setup that Simon had left in the corner of the dormitory.
“Simon is — ugh, I mean I am fine,” Simon grumbled as the medical robot began to swiftly and expertly wrap elastic bandages around his ankle.
“You’re still going to have to rest,” Ryland pointed out. “Even if you wrap it, you can’t walk on that ankle.” He paused for a second, scratching at his stubble. “I wonder if we’ve got a crutch or something around here. Hey Mary! Does the ship have any crutches?”
“Negative, Dr. Grace.”
<not understand word> Rocky said, rolling a bit deeper into the room. <need word>
“Crutches?” Ryland asked. He walked over to the translation machine, tapping away at it for a second as he presumably pulled up the spreadsheet where he entered new words. “Crutches are a medical device that helps humans get around when one of our legs is injured.”
He went on to explain crutches in detail. Simon couldn’t help listening in closely as well, intrigued. They hadn’t had anything like that on Eden. Usually if you got injured enough that you couldn’t walk, you were either valuable enough, or lucky enough to have someone who gave enough of a shit about you to care for you, or you died. There really wasn’t a whole lot of in-between. Most people on the station had been important enough to Eden’s upkeep to be tended to, but Simon and his Brothers hadn’t been so lucky. They were expendable, interchangeable. No one was wasting time and resources on them to patch them up after they were injured. He’d seen more than one Brother come back broken enough that a quick knife to the throat had been the only mercy and treatment they’d receive.
Then to the Last Tree they would go, joining the soil at its base. Simon had been well aware that someday that would likely be his fate as well. He could have never imagined there was any other ending for him.
He was thankfully distracted from his darker memories when Rocky let out a few excited notes.
<crutches! Rocky understand! Rocky can make! Rocky make crutches for Simon!>
“Can you, bud? That would be really helpful,” Ryland told him with a smile.
“No, you shouldn’t,” Simon quickly protested. “It’s not worth your time.”
Ryland looked up sharply. Even the tilt of Rocky’s body looked judgemental.
<is worth Rocky’s time> Rocky insisted. <Rocky make Simon crutches. Rocky will start right now>
And then the little alien rolled out of sight, presumably off to get started on Simon’s crutches.
Letting out a frustrated huff, Simon laid back down on the bed beneath him and threw an arm over his face. The medical robot had finished wrapping his ankle, and was now draping some sort of squishy bag overtop of it. The bag was cold, and he hissed a little at the sudden chill.
“Please do not move for fifteen minutes while cold therapy is applied,” the ship instructed him, the robot finally moving away.
“Sounds like you’re stuck here for a bit, then,” Ryland muttered offhandedly, watching the robot slip back to its usual spot in the corner.
“Yeah. Whatever,” Simon grunted.
He’d hoped that now that Ryland had gotten his way and successfully dropped Simon off in the dormitory, that he’d finally leave and give Simon a chance to get his racing heartbeat under control. But to his dismay, Ryland simply moved further into the room, coming to lean against the wall next to Simon’s bed with his arms once more folded across his chest.
“So what were you even doing in the equipment room when you fell?” Ryland asked casually, not seeming to notice the way Simon had tensed at his approach.
Simon’s arm slipped away from his face so that he could watch Ryland settle, like a prey animal keeping an eye on a nearby predator. “Nothing,” he spat defensively.
Ryland just gave him a flat look. “Come on, man.”
“I said, nothing.”
Ryland’s lips thinned, and he glanced away. “You’re not in trouble or anything,” he said, his voice going quiet. “The Hail Mary is your home now, just as much as it’s mine. You’re welcome to go wherever. I just want to know what you were up to so I know how you got hurt. Don’t want it happening again, right?”
Simon’s expression soured. Ugh, Ryland was being so reasonable and shit. Simon hated it, hated the way it made his stomach churn with guilt.
For a second, his entire body went tense. He could feel his anger bubbling under the surface, ready to surge forward to drive those other feelings away. The automatic desire to lash out, to shout and curse and threaten Ryland until he finally left Simon alone was almost overwhelming.
But before he could, Ryland caught him off guard once again. He grimaced, eyes still locked on the far side of the room. “Shoot. Actually, nevermind. You don’t need to answer that.”
Simon’s head whipped up, his anger immediately snuffed out by surprise. “What?”
“Sorry, I shouldn’t have asked,” Ryland sighed. “I mean. I can tell the important bits of what happened, I saw the stool. Uh. Just so you know, we do have a stepladder. I’ll show you where it is once you’re up and moving again. You don’t need to tell me anything else.”
Simon continued to stare at Ryland in confusion. “I don’t? Why…?”
Ryland glanced over and gave Simon a tight, crooked smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “I’m not the boss of you. You don’t answer to me, I’m not in charge of you. I mean, sure, if we want to get technical, I think I’m supposed to be in charge? I’ve got the most experience on the ship, so I’m pretty sure I’d be the captain. But, like. It’s just the three of us. Rocky doesn’t listen to me half the time anyways, so it’s not like that stuff really matters. You are your own person, a grown adult, you can do whatever you like. You don’t have to explain yourself to me. I was just…curious, I guess. I like knowing things, so I’m always asking questions. I can’t help it, it’s the scientist in me, I suppose. Always looking for answers, always looking for explanations. Wouldn’t be a very good scientist if I wasn’t curious, right? It comes in handy, of course, like with the whole…’saving the stars’ thing, but…Ah, shoot, I’m rambling again, aren’t I?”
“A little,” Simon replied, feeling a bit dazed. He didn’t really know how to react to Ryland’s words. What did he mean, he didn’t answer to Ryland? Of course he did! This was Ryland’s ship! Ryland and Rocky had used their resources to save his life and keep him alive! Of course he was their subordinate!
Ryland, completely oblivious to the bombshell he’d just dropped, pushed off of the wall with another sigh. “Sorry about that. It’s a habit I’ve never been able to break, talking too much. I’ll try to shut up now.”
“No!” Simon quickly said, sitting up a little. He heard the medical robot let out a warning beep as the motion dislodged the cold pack on his ankle a bit, but he ignored it, turning to face Ryland more fully. “No, it’s okay. I…I don’t mind.”
Not minding was a complete understatement. He liked it when Ryland talked.
When he’d been down in the blood ocean, the voices he’d heard had either been the members of the C.O.I. berating him about completing his mission, or the Blood Eel whispering things in his mind to slowly drive him mad. Before that, it had just been the orders of the prison guards, or the whispers of his fellow convicts talking behind his back about his reputation as The Butcher. There had been kinder words on Eden, but they were distant memories now, mostly drowned out by the Father’s sermons that still rattled around in his brain.
Needless to say, he wasn’t used to hearing people talk just for the sake of talking, discussing things that weren’t doom and gloom or desperate plans for survival. Hearing Ryland talk about whatever he felt like was just…nice.
Unfortunately, Ryland seemed to think that Simon was lying, because his smile grew sadder. “You don’t have to humor me, you know.”
“I’m not,” Simon denied.
“Okay, sure,” Ryland agreed, though Simon could tell he didn’t believe it. He reached out towards Simon’s shoulder, hesitated for a second, before ultimately closing the distance and patting him gently. Simon shivered a little at the casual touch. “Listen. Rest up, I’m going to go check on Rocky, see how he’s doing with those crutches.”
He started walking away. Simon felt something lurch in his chest at the sight of Ryland’s back, and before he knew what he was doing, he cried out, “Wait!”
Ryland paused in the doorway, looking back over his shoulder.
For a moment, Simon could only gape at him, his mind completely blank. He didn’t know what to say, but he needed to say something to stop Ryland from leaving while wearing that sad look on his face. He desperately cast around, searching his mind for something, anything that would work.
“The notebooks!” he blurted out.
Ryland’s brow furrowed, and he turned a bit further back towards Simon. “What?”
“That’s…that’s what I was doing,” Simon admitted, his shoulders slumping. “I was trying to get another notebook. I…already filled up the first one you gave me. And you said…I could have more, but I didn’t want to bother you, so…”
Ryland stared at him for a moment, clearly lost, and then his eyes brightened in understanding. “Oh! The lab notebooks! Wait.” His brow furrowed. “You filled up the first one already?”
Simon chewed the inside of his cheek to resist the urge to look away. “Yeah.”
“Wow, you must have written a lot!” Ryland declared. A voice at the back of his mind that sounded suspiciously like the Blood Eel tried to tell Simon that Ryland sounded judgemental, but it was no more than a passing thought, easily dismissed. One look at the open expression on Ryland’s face showed Simon that Ryland was genuinely impressed.
“I, uh. Didn’t write much,” Simon confessed. “I…draw.”
Ryland’s eyebrows rose. “Really? That’s so cool!”
Simon waited for Ryland to ask to see the pictures. He could tell that Ryland wanted to. But somehow, to his relief, Ryland managed to resist.
Instead, he gave Simon a wide grin. “Tell you what. You stay here and finish with the cold pack. I’m going to check on Rocky, and then I’ll go grab you a new notebook. Do you need any more pens?”
“No, I’m…I’m good,” Simon quickly reassured him.
“Okay. Cool! I’ll be right back!” Ryland said cheerfully. And then he ducked through the doorway and out of sight.
The sight of that last bright, happy smile stayed with Simon, however, long after Ryland had left. He’d managed to calm his racing heart and flushed face from earlier, but they suddenly returned with a vengeance, leaving Simon swaying a little on the cot beneath him.
Why, though? Why was he reacting like this now? Ryland hadn’t done anything different from usual, he hadn’t been flexing or showing off his strength. So why was Simon’s pulse pounding in his ears again, his stomach fluttering and jumping? All Ryland had done was smile at him.
…and treat him kindly. And show concern for Simon’s wellbeing. And respected his space and privacy. And treat him like an actual person, something that no one else had done in a long time.
And touched him like he was something precious.
Even just thinking about it made the heat rise in Simon’s face again, his breath hitching. He lay back down on the bed and closed his eyes, trying to block out his spiralling thoughts. But even with his eyes shut, Ryland’s smile danced through his mind, making Simon’s heart skip a beat and his lips twitch up in a tiny involuntary smile of his own, before the corners dropped again with concern.
Fuck. This wasn’t lust. This wasn’t just an appreciation of Ryland’s body. Those were things Simon had dealt with before, familiar to him. Those were things he’d learned to ignore, to push down deep into the back of his mind where they’d never see the light of day. This was something more than that, something new. This was something different than anything he’d ever felt for another person before. Something that he’d thought was beyond him, something he thought himself incapable of.
He wanted so desperately to deny it, but his racing heart and the butterflies in his stomach betrayed him. He couldn’t lie to himself.
God in heaven, have mercy upon him, a poor and miserable sinner.
He was in love.