Chapter Text
“…Do you want to die together?”
When I heard Lovino say those words, all I could do was stare silently at his face.
I could not say a single thing.
How Lovino and I first met, why he would say something like that to me—those memories had already become vague. Maybe because of alcohol. Maybe because of weed. Either way, the last impression he left behind in my memory was the look on his face when he said those words.
That, and the tone of his voice.
Lovino always seemed angry.
But when he said that, he looked very calm.
Nothing like his usual self.
I realized that, and still I could not give him any response.
“Why?”
Even that one simple word would not come out.
After that came the news of his death.
Why?
Why did he choose death?
Maybe I understood.
Ah.
I remember now.
I remember how Lovi and I met.
We met on the internet.
The internet in 2010 was always a mixed bag. Maybe there were innocent people there, but there were far more awful ones.
That was what I, at seventeen years old, thought irritably while staring at my computer screen.
Until I met him in a random chatroom.
He was spamming insults like crazy, and the people being insulted by him were all stammering and helpless, unable to type even a single word back. It looked almost as if this person with the ID “badtomato” was holding a sword, cutting his enemies down until they were scattered everywhere, crying out in defeat.
I became deeply interested in that bad tomato.
As for why, well, it was because by then, not many people were willing to waste time in public chatrooms anymore. More people chose private or semi-closed spaces to chat in, because then they would not have to deal with phishing links or porn ads. But badtomato seemed as if he had spent all the time in his life inside public chatrooms, getting into fights with strangers.
Over the course of three days, I opened that same public chatroom several times.
Every single time, he was insulting someone.
And every single time, the person he was insulting was different. His insults came in all kinds of varieties, so impressive that I almost wanted to applaud.
And I, too, began to think—
I really want to talk to him.
I really want him to insult me too.
With that purpose in mind, I started typing.
: Hi(^-^)/, badtomato. I want to be friends with you.
badtomato: Hah?
Naturally, I received a confused reply from him.
That was only to be expected. After all, he had basically done nothing except insult people. How could anyone want to become friends with a person like that?
Ahh, this was getting more and more interesting.
With a smile on my face, I felt greatly encouraged by the fact that he had actually interrupted his stream of insults to reply to me. My hands immediately began flying across the keyboard.
: I mean it. I really admire you. You’re so good at insulting people! That’s why I want to be friends with you. Is that not okay? Please? Talk to me.
badtomato: Is there something wrong with your brain?
Getting excited because he insulted me—did that mean I was actually some kind of pervert?
In any case, although I had no impure thoughts about him at that time, I still could not help smiling. At least I had managed to catch his interest. That counted as a success, right?
: If you become friends with me, I don’t mind if you insult me in all kinds of ways every day. Please insult me as much as you want. So be my friend, okay?
badtomato: Uh, no thanks, you freak! Go away.
I pouted, feeling hurt by his obvious rejection.
Did I really look that untrustworthy?
I only wanted to be friends with him. Of course, I did want him to insult me a little more… but if he ignored me completely, that would be bad.
: Sorry. Did I offend you? But I really like the way you insult people. The way you phrase things, the words you use—I think those words become heavenly music when you type them out. So please be friends with me.
badtomato: Why the hell are you so persistent!? Why should I be friends with some stranger like you!?
: Eh… but I don’t think we’re strangers anymore. I’ve been watching you these past few days while you insulted people.
badtomato: Freak!? Go die!
: Ah, that’s it. Please insult me more. If doing that makes you happy, then I’ll be happy too!
All right.
How would you reply to me now?
In a very pleasant mood, I rested my chin on my hand and waited in front of the computer for badtomato’s reply.
badtomato: Damn it, stop pestering me. I don’t want anything to do with some weird guy like you. Gross. Stay away from me!
: But I sincerely want to be friends with you. Why can’t you be friends with me? I promise our time together will be very happy and very perfect. You can insult me as much as you want, and I won’t get angry. So please be my friend.
badtomato: Aaaah, fine, fine, shut up, you bastard. If I agree, will you stop harassing me? Then fine. Friends it is. Just stop pestering me!
Even though he said that, in the end, had he not agreed to my request to become friends?
Smiling, I clicked on his profile and found that he had very openly displayed his email address there. He had even added a line beneath it:
“If you’re pissed off because I insulted you and want to fight me again, feel free to add me on MSN! I’ll be waiting, bastard!”
It really suited him.
In a very good mood, I opened MSN, typed in his email address, and clicked Add Friend.
Soon enough, he accepted my request.
Maybe he had not realized that I was the same person who had been pestering him in the chatroom. Maybe he thought I was another one of those people adding him just to pick a fight. Either way, his message came through almost immediately.
badtomato: So how do you wanna fight, bastard? If you’re this bored, you must be a total loser in real life! Useless waste of space! NEET! You’ve got some nerve adding me, idiot!
How did this person have so many ways to insult people?
Feeling a little helpless, I began to type.
: Hi(^-^)/ I’m the person from the chatroom just now, the one who asked to be your friend. I wanted us to be closer, so I added you. I hope I’m not bothering you!
badtomato: Haaah!?
It seemed I had startled him.
badtomato: Why is it you, you weird pervert!? Didn’t I tell you to stop harassing me!?
: But I really want to be good friends with you. Didn’t you already agree to be my friend? Don’t treat me like that～
badtomato: You’d have to be blind to think that was me agreeing! Obviously I only said that because I wanted you to stop bothering me, and now you’re still harassing me!
: Ehh, don’t say that～ I believe we can definitely become very good friends!
As a result, after I typed that sentence, he sent me a long, long string of insults.
Honestly, being scolded by him made me feel refreshed from head to toe. I felt almost energetic. To tell the truth, it was the first time I had ever met someone so interesting, someone who could bring me so much delight just by talking to me. It only made me want to be friends with him even more.
After that, whenever I touched my computer, I would send him messages. I spent almost the whole day sitting in front of the screen and typing to him.
Well, there was nothing I could do about it. It was summer vacation at the time, and I was a high school student with far too much free time. badtomato also seemed very idle. From the way he spoke, I could tell he probably was not a working adult. He sounded like a high school student too, maybe the same age as me, or one year younger.
But that did not really matter.
Just like his gender did not matter to me either, although he was most likely a boy. I was only drawn to his soul. That was why I wanted to be friends with him. At the time, I did not have any thoughts of developing a more intimate relationship with him. Of course, I wanted very badly to become his good friend, but I had not expected that later on, we would become the kind of relationship where we had sex with each other…
No, that is getting too far ahead.
In any case, whether badtomato was a boy or a girl, whether he was older or younger than me, none of that could stop me from being interested in him, or from wanting to be his friend.
And through my persistent harassment—no, through our conversations—I finally learned a few things about him.
First of all, he really was a boy. He was sixteen that year, exactly one year younger than me, and also in high school. Because it was summer vacation, he had nothing to do, so he simply went online every day to argue with people.
How cute.
I thought that with a smile on my face as I sat in front of the computer.
If possible, I really wanted to meet him in real life.
But he was in Italy, and I was in Spain. Unless I could find some time to travel to Italy, I probably would not have any chance to see him. That made me feel a little discouraged.
Still, so what if physical distance stood between us?
Through the internet, we had crossed so many kilometers and tied a thread between us. Was that not something beautiful?
Besides, he had finally started chatting with me too. On the surface, he was still very reluctant, but in reality, he was obviously very happy about it, although he would absolutely never admit that. I believed the friendship between us was very precious. Perhaps it was the most precious friendship of my life. Perhaps even more precious than my friendships with Francis and Gilbert—
Well, well.
Comparing friendships like that felt a little disrespectful, so I decided to stop there.
My relationship with badtomato truly grew closer day by day. Although that was mostly thanks to my efforts, he finally began to send me messages first too, and that made me really happy.
Our conversations were generally like this:
badtomato: Hey, bastard, another guy came looking to get cursed out. Seriously, why are there so many internet losers? Instead of spreading their disgusting aura online, they should go do something meaningful in real life!
: Eh? But, badtomato, aren’t you online every day too?
badtomato: Hah!? What the hell do you mean, bastard!? I’m different from them! I’m a holy knight sent from heaven to curse people awake! They should be grateful that I’m here to save their lives! You should be grateful too, you know. I’m obviously so busy, and yet I still specially come here to chat with you. Hurry up and kneel down and thank me!
(Yes, I need to add something here. badtomato… seemed to be going through a bit of a chuunibyou phase. But I thought that part of him was very cute too.)
: Yes, yes～ Long live badtomato! Thank you, badtomato, for appearing in my life and saving me!
badtomato: Hmph. That’s more like it.
Hehe.
I could not help letting out a soft laugh in front of the computer.
Ahh, honestly.
I wanted to meet badtomato more and more.
I wanted to know more about him. I wanted to know his real name. I wanted our relationship to be something more than just online friends. I wanted something beyond that. I wanted to stand face to face with him, to look directly at his face. I wanted to hug him. I wanted to—
Wait.
What was I thinking?
I shook my head, driving away the thoughts that were becoming stranger and stranger, then began typing as if it were only a casual question.
: By the way, badtomato, can I know your real name? Ah, I can tell you mine too. I just feel like we’re already good friends now, so it’s normal for friends to know each other’s names, right? Anyway, my name is Antonio Fernández Carriedo. What’s yours? Oh, right, right, you said before that you’re Italian, didn’t you? Which city do you live in? Can I know that too? I don’t have any bad intentions. I just want to understand you a little more…
Ah, honestly.
My bad habit was that I always ended up saying a lot of rambling, useless things.
I hoped badtomato would not think I was strange.
…No, forget it.
He had probably thought I was extremely strange from the very first time I spoke to him.
This time, it took badtomato a long while before he started typing back. I could almost see him sitting in front of his computer, staring at my message in shock, thinking very hard about what to say.
So cute.
badtomato: W-why are you suddenly asking such a huge string of questions, bastard? Uh, I really don’t want to answer, but I guess it’s not like I can’t tell you! My name is Lovino Vargas. Ugh, this feels so weird, telling someone I met online my real name… Anyway, even though I’m Italian, I’m actually living in Madrid right now. You said you were Spanish, right? Bastard. Though I don’t know what city you’re in…
Eh?
Eh, what?
I froze in front of the computer.
badtomato—
No.
Lovino.
He lived in the same city as me!?
Looking back on it now, that first meeting, and the friendship that slowly warmed between us, was so beautiful.
If I could freeze my life at any single point, then I would want my life to remain forever in that stretch of time.
Only Lovino and me.
Only two computers.
Talking about everything and nothing through a network cable, saying stupid things, discussing a little philosophy, complaining about the troubles of being teenagers.
That time was so beautiful it almost made me fall in love with the internet.
Before that, I had always thought the internet was a mixed bag. I could not say it was absolutely filthy, but there was certainly malice overflowing everywhere inside it.
Except for Lovino.
Just as he himself said, he really was like a holy knight sent by God to save humanity, using words of insult to make human beings change for the better.
Haha.
Does that sound a little stupid?
But he really did change my life.
My whole life.
Maybe Lovino really was the holy knight sent from heaven to save me.
I wanted very much to think that.
Naturally, after finding out that Lovino and I were in the same city, I immediately sent him an invitation to meet.
: I live in Madrid too!!! Lovino! Let’s meet up, okay? Please? I want to talk to you in real life. I want to hear you insult me. Please, meet me!
badtomato: H-hah? W-why are you suddenly so excited, you bastard… So you live in Madrid too, huh. But don’t you think it’s weird that I’m Italian and living in Spain?
: Spain is a very open country, you know～ And it has a good relationship with Italy, so of course I don’t think it’s weird. Did you come here to study, Lovino? Are you going to high school in Spain? Anyway, the point is, I just want to meet you. Please, please?
badtomato: Uuuuuugh, w-wanting to meet… I mean, it’s not like that’s impossible… It’s just, if you look disappointed after seeing me in person, I’ll kick you to death on the spot. Got it?
: How could I possibly be disappointed!? No matter what Lovino is like, I’ll like you so much I won’t be able to stand it!!
badtomato: Ugh, you’re saying that kind of thing again. Go die, bastard! (ノ｀⊿´)ノ
Hehe.
Lovino using kaomoji was so cute.
I could not help resting my knuckles against my lips as I laughed softly.
Ahh.
Maybe, before too long, I would finally be able to meet the real Lovino.
The true, living Lovino.
The Lovino I could actually touch.
I was so happy.
Did this mean the relationship between us had taken another step closer?
After all, he and I had already been talking for several weeks. We were even in the same city. In that case, meeting each other was only natural, right?
Carrying that pleasant mood, and all my beautiful imaginings of what it would be like to meet Lovino, I turned off my computer.
The first thing I did after waking up was, naturally, reach for the power button of my computer and turn it on. Then I went to brush my teeth. I sprawled across my desk, staring blankly at the desktop, until—
All of a sudden, Lovino’s message popped up.
badtomato: Hey. That thing you said… about w-wanting to meet. Were you serious? Do you really want to meet me?
I froze for a second.
Then I immediately sat up and began typing as fast as I could.
: Of course I was serious! I want to see Lovino so badly I can hardly stand it! I want to meet you! I want to hang out with you! I want to drink and talk with you, or smoke weed and talk with you. Anyway, I really, really want to see you!
badtomato: Uwaa, you smoke weed too? People really aren’t what they look like. I thought you were definitely the kind of good little boy who listened to his parents and got good grades.
: Ahaha～ Actually, I’m pretty naughty. Skipping class and ditching school are basically ordinary things for me. My parents are pretty relaxed about how they raise me, so they don’t really interfere with that kind of thing.
badtomato: Hmph. I didn’t expect you to be such a bad student. Then let this holy knight drag you out of the mud!
: Ah, so Lovino is a good student? The kind with amazing grades? The kind who listens carefully in class, takes notes properly, and has never even thought about skipping school?
badtomato: Uh… I’m not that good, okay? Actually, I skip class a lot too, bastard. School is boring as hell! If it weren’t for arguing with my classmates, I wouldn’t want to see their faces at all!
: Haha, I understand～ But Sir Lovino the Holy Knight still goes to school to save his classmates, right?
badtomato: Of course I do! But I’ll come save you too! After all, it’s heaven’s will!
: In that case, let’s meet. I want to talk to you in real life. I want to chat with you, Lovino. I want to see your face, your hair, your clothes. I want to see everything about you. So please, let us meet, okay? I really, really want to talk with Lovino not through a computer or the internet, but face to face, with our mouths and our hands. I want to talk about everything and nothing with you. I want to hear you insult me. That’s my greatest wish.
This time, it took badtomato a very long while to reply.
After seeing that message from me, what was he thinking?
If possible, I really wanted to know.
I wanted to know everything about Lovino.
Lovino’s thoughts.
The way he looked when he hesitated.
The way he looked when he struggled.
The way he looked when he was angry.
The way he looked when he was pleased with himself.
I wanted to know all of it.
badtomato: ……F-fine. Since you’re inviting me so sincerely, I’ll meet you, bastard!
: (^▽^) I’m so happy. Thank you, Lovino. I promise our meeting will definitely be beautiful!
badtomato: Hmph. If it isn’t beautiful, I’ll headbutt you to death.
___
I was about to meet him.
Clutching the straps of my backpack tightly, I stood stiffly in front of the fountain at Plaza de Cibeles, my eyes fixed on a certain street corner. According to Lovino, he would be coming from that direction.
I swallowed nervously and carefully observed every human being who walked out from that street.
That was a girl… so it was not him.
Ah, an old man. Not him either.
Wow, that person was dressed so flashily. So that probably was not him either, right?
And then, at that moment, he appeared.
An emo boy.
To be honest, I froze a little.
That was not because I looked down on subcultures or anything like that. Actually, I thought they were very cool. It was just that I was a relatively mainstream-culture kind of person, so I could not help worrying that I might not be able to talk properly with someone from a subculture. I also felt, vaguely, as if I would never be able to fit into their world.
Back at school, there were some emo kids too, but my relationship with them had never gone beyond passing each other in the hallway. That was all. So when I suddenly saw someone with chestnut-brown hair, long bangs covering his eyes, black eyeliner visible through the gaps in his fringe, a lip piercing beneath his lower lip, piercings and earrings all over his ears, a guitar case slung over his back, black-and-gray striped sleeves under a T-shirt that very obviously had some band’s logo printed on it, ripped jeans on his legs, and canvas shoes on his feet, appearing at the street corner—
I almost stared myself into a trance.
It was simply that kind of feeling.
Ah.
This person was so cool.
I stood there, dazed, watching that emo boy walk toward me.
Walk toward me—
Toward me!?
“Yo.”
He stopped in front of me and raised one hand in greeting. When he saw that I did not react at all, he lifted an eyebrow.
“Are you stupid? Or did I get the wrong person? But it should be the guy in the green sweater…”
“Y-y-y-y-you’re Lovino!? badtomato!?”
My eyes widened in shock. I could not help pointing at him as I cried out.
“Don’t shout so loudly, bastard.”
The emo boy crossed his arms and tossed his bangs slightly.
“You’re noisy. Why else would I talk to you except because I’m Lovino? Idiot.”
“Ah. Ah… yes. You’re right. Ahaha…”
Embarrassed, I scratched my cheek, still not quite recovered from the shock.
But, well, that was true.
Since Lovino was already in his chuunibyou phase, it was not that strange for him to be an emo boy too, right?
Besides, this Lovino was really…
So cool it was almost unreasonable.
Sorry. Because my brain had stopped working, those were the only words I could come up with to praise him. But Lovino’s handsome entrance really did leave a deep, deep impression on me. I might even have fallen in love with him at first sight.
Haha.
But…
Looking at his outfit, and then looking at myself…
I was only wearing a thin spring sweater over a white shirt, with an ordinary pair of jeans. There were not even any holes in them. Although this was an outfit I had chosen very carefully, compared to Lovino, I really did look like the most mainstream person among all mainstream people.
“Do you play guitar?”
I pointed curiously at the guitar case on his back.
“Ah, yeah, of course. I’m really good at it.”
Lovino smiled proudly, looking extremely satisfied with himself. He jerked his thumb toward the guitar case behind him.
“I’ll let you appreciate my playing later, once we find somewhere quiet. Be grateful!”
“Eh, I’m so happy.”
I clasped my hands together.
“To think I get to hear Lovino perform for me the very first time we meet. I’m so blessed.”
“Hmph. Of course you’re blessed, bastard!”
“Ah, right, right.”
After learning that this emo boy really was Lovino himself, that feeling of distance—of him being someone from a completely different world from me—vanished completely.
I leaned closer to him, my face drawing near, and took both of his hands excitedly.
“Um, Lovino, can I call you Lovi!? Because calling you by your full name feels so distant. We’re already online friends who have met in real life now, so let me call you by a nickname, okay?”
The moment I suddenly held his hands, Lovino’s face immediately turned red.
His ears turned red too.
The red gem hanging from his earlobe looked so bright.
Just as I was thinking that, Lovino suddenly leaned his head back—
Then slammed his forehead hard into mine.
“Uwah.”
Feeling wronged, I stepped back and rubbed the place where he had hit me.
“That hurt. Why, Lovi?”
“Talk about my name if you want to talk about my name! Don’t touch me all of a sudden, bastard!”
Lovino glared at me angrily, though a faint blush still remained on his face. He crossed his arms and turned his head away, refusing to look at me.
“S-sorry. I was just so happy and excited because I finally got to see Lovi.”
I gave him a silly smile.
“Ah, wait. Does that mean you’re letting me call you Lovi? I’m so happy. It feels like my relationship with Lovi has become a little closer again. I’m so blessed.”
Seeing me like that, Lovino lowered his head.
His long bangs covered his expression. I heard him mutter a few things under his breath, things like “damn idiot” and “annoying bastard,” insults I had long since grown used to, and honestly, had become rather fond of hearing.
Then he lifted his head and looked at me.
“Hey. How long are we going to stand around in this plaza? Let’s go already. I can’t stand places with this many people.”
“Ah, ah. Right.”
I nodded.
Lovi… did he hate crowded places?
“In that case, let’s go to a café nearby. I know a pretty good place. Then after we drink coffee, we can go find a quiet corner in a park and listen to you play guitar. What do you think, Lovi?”
“Whatever. As long as you’re not planning to kidnap me, idiot.”
“Eh? How could I possibly do something like that, Lovi?”
I led Lovino to a table by the window in the café and sat down.
Sunlight spilled across the table in front of us. We’d agreed to meet at ten in the morning. Honestly, for two internet-addicted teens like us, getting up this early was almost unbelievable… But really, the fact that I looked reasonably presentable wasn’t entirely luck—I’d barely slept last night out of excitement. My sister Isabella had caught me in the bathroom before I left and, without warning, smacked some powder onto my dark circles. So yes, I owed my half-decent appearance to her.
I picked up the menu but couldn’t resist sneaking glances at Lovino from the corner of it. He was leaning over the table, studying the menu, looking as though he was struggling to decide what to drink. Cute. I smiled, nearly obsessively staring at the fringe that fell over his eyes, when a server appeared beside us.
“Hello, gentlemen! Have you decided what you’d like to order?”
“Ah,” I froze for a second, then quickly snapped out of it. “Hi, I’ll have a latte and Churros con chocolate, please.”
“Great!” The blonde server smiled brightly as she jotted it down, then turned to Lovino.
“And for you, sir?”
“Ciao, bella,” Lovino said, tossing his fringe aside and fixing her with a confident look. “I’ll have a cappuccino, no dessert. By the way, miss, can I have your—”
“Okay, one cappuccino. Got it. Please wait a moment!” She cut him off smoothly, smiling politely before walking away.
I watched Lovino, his lips pursed, head lowered, curiosity—and maybe a twinge of jealousy I didn’t even recognize at the time—curling inside me. “Lovi, do you talk to girls like that often?”
“When I see a pretty girl, of course I might say a few words, right?” He snorted.
I hesitated. “So… you have a girlfriend? Like, someone from your emo circle at school?”
“Huh?” He froze, clearly flustered. “W-why are you suddenly asking about that?”
“Eh…” I gave him my most innocent look. “I’m just… curious.”
“You should tell me about yourself first before asking about someone else! I’ll consider answering if you do!” I tapped my chin in mock-thought, sneaking glances at him as he shifted uncomfortably. Finally, when it looked like he was about to snap at me, I threw my hands up and said, “I don’t have one! I’ve never even dated anyone before. Surprise!”
“You bastardo… after all that buildup, you just say that…!” He looked like he wanted to punch me, but after glaring, he turned his head, crossing his arms, and said, “I… don’t either. No girlfriends… Though there’s an emo circle at school, I’m just friends with the girls there. Damn it, why am I even talking about relationships with someone I met online… Ugh.”
I blinked. Huh. I’d thought, seeing him flirting with the server, that he probably had a girlfriend… But maybe that was exactly why he flirted—because he didn’t. I felt a rush of relief.
“Well… I did have one ex, though. Not an emogirl, of course.”
Ex. Ex-girlfriend!?
My eyes widened. Confusion, a strange mix of irritation and jealousy, washed over me. I curled my fingers slightly. “Oh… I see, Lovi. Do you… still like her?”
“Hah? Of course not,” he said, looking at me like I was an idiot. “If I did, would we have broken up? Anyway… I thought you must have a girlfriend too. You seem like the cheerful, popular type—all the girls following you around, bringing you water after basketball practice… so knowing you haven’t dated anyone, I’m kind of surprised.”
“Eh, so in Lovi’s eyes, I’m that guy? How hurtful~” I made a pouty face. “I’m not that popular! My friend Francis is more like that—though he doesn’t play basketball because he says it messes up his style…”
“He sounds… a little odd, honestly. No wonder he can be your friend.” Lovino’s sharp words stung a bit, but I couldn’t help feeling happy—this meant he was paying attention to me, right?
“Here’s your latte, cappuccino, and churros. Enjoy.” The server returned, placing our drinks and food on the table, smiling briefly before stepping back. Lovino, meanwhile, stared at her retreating figure. I cleared my throat dramatically. “Lovi, these churros are amazing! I always order them here!”
“Ah,” he said casually, taking one without looking, and as he bit into it, his expression shifted from neutral to radiant, brimming with delight. “This… this is incredible, you bastard! Definitely better than the place near my house!”
“Haha, I told you it was good!” I popped one into my mouth as well. “Mm, still the best. By the way, Lovi…” I asked cautiously, noticing his mood seemed good enough to answer potentially awkward questions, “…how did you and your ex break up?”
He froze, then set aside the expression of joy the churro had brought him. Crossed arms, guarded, like a cat. “Why are you asking that?”
“Oh, nothing,” I rubbed the back of my neck, pretending casualness. “Just curious… teenage gossip, you know?”
“Hah. I have no interest in such mundane gossip.”
I scratched my cheek awkwardly. “Well… Lovi is a holy knight sent to save humanity, but I’m just a mortal. Curiosity isn’t exactly a crime, right?”
“Fine, it’s just talk. Won’t make me lose any flesh.” He uncrossed his arms, propped his chin on his hand, lazily explaining. “Honestly, it wasn’t much. We dated for a week before I got hit by emo music, went full emoboy, and she couldn’t handle it. She was mainstream, and I had nothing to talk about after abandoning mainstream culture. We naturally drifted apart. Our perspectives clash, I guess. And honestly, I only agreed to date her because she was pretty, so there’s no lingering feeling. Boring story. I don’t know why you’re so curious, you bastard.”
“I… I think you’re incredibly, ridiculously handsome, Lovi!”
“Huh!? Why are you saying that all of a sudden!?”
“Because… even if I’m just some mainstream guy, I think you’re super cool, the coolest person I’ve ever met! Emoboy, whatever—so cool! I want you to know I won’t judge you for being an emoboy. Even if I was unsure about fitting in with your world, after meeting you, I feel the glass between us melt away. I want to be your friend forever! Basically… I really like you, Lovi. You’re awesome.”
Lovino froze completely. He looked at me; I looked into his amber eyes. Then—he leaned back, then forward, and headbutted me hard.
How had he even managed to headbutt me from across the table!?
I rubbed my forehead, feeling a little wronged.
“Sorry. Was what I said strange? People tell me that a lot… But I was only saying what I really thought.”
“O-of course it was strange, idiota! Who says that kind of thing after hearing someone’s breakup story? Be serious, bastardo!” Lovino’s face looked red—though I could not tell whether it was from embarrassment or anger.
“Ah. Then what do normal people usually say after hearing someone’s breakup story?” I asked curiously.
I had not expected that question to earn me another fierce glare from Lovino.
“How the hell should I know, stupido! I’ve never told my breakup story to anyone except you!”
“Why?”
“Hah? Don’t you think going around telling people you got dumped by a girl is humiliating?”
After saying that, Lovino devoted himself completely to drinking his cappuccino, looking as if he had no intention of speaking another word.
But was I the sort of person who could endure silence?
“Lovi… what do you think about love?”
I admitted that asking such a question on a first date—no matter what Lovino thought, I had already decided this meeting was a date—sounded a little stupid. But I wanted so badly to talk with Lovino about more things, about anything, about everything, that the only method I could think of was attacking him with foolish questions.
“How the hell did the topic get there?” Lovino looked at me, seeming a little speechless. Still, he answered.
“I don’t know, bastardo. Even if I had a girlfriend before, I don’t think there was any love between us. She probably didn’t love me either. Maybe she confessed to me as some kind of prank and didn’t expect me to actually say yes. Then, after I got hit by emo music and turned into an emoboy, that became a perfect excuse for her to break up with me. After all, people who really love each other wouldn’t break up just because the other person belongs to a different culture, right? Anyway, I don’t understand love at all, bastardo. Maybe love is just some emotion humans developed for reproduction. Or maybe it’s only an illusion caused by hormones in the brain. I don’t believe beautiful love is real. Those happy couples at school are definitely fake. They look so happy on the surface, but who knows how many times they’ve cursed each other out to their friends behind their backs?”
As he spoke, he waved the churro in his hand around.
“Ahaha. That’s really not a very romantic way to put it, Lovi.” I smiled and took a sip of my latte. “Mm… I don’t really think love is just reproductive instinct, though. After all, gay people exist too, right?”
I brought up that word as if it were nothing, then watched Lovino’s expression.
Good.
There was no disgust there.
So I continued.
“I think sincere love does exist. My sister has a very beautiful relationship, and… if we think of love as something that terrible, then there aren’t many emotions left in this world that make being alive feel pleasant, are there? But I also think Lovi’s view makes sense. Maybe some people’s love really is fake. Maybe they just want a relationship to prove they’re capable of loving someone, when in truth, they don’t love the other person that much at all.”
Lovino was silent for a while.
Then he said, “You don’t have to take my opinion that seriously, bastardo. I’m just a rebellious teenager. Of course I hope humanity goes extinct and the world ends. Naturally, I’m not going to believe in something like love.”
“Ah. So Lovi hopes humanity will go extinct?”
“That’s just a metaphor, a metaphor! Anyway, humans being alive is useless. They just harm nature and other animals!”
I could not help letting out a soft laugh.
Lovino immediately stopped talking and glared at me furiously.
I covered my mouth and waved my hand at him.
“S-sorry. I wasn’t laughing at you or anything, Lovi. It’s just… I think what you said is very right. I also hope humanity goes extinct! And if every human being suddenly died in the next second because of some unknown reason, then Lovi and I would get to die together. That would be pretty romantic, wouldn’t it?”
I tilted my head and smiled at him.
“Hmph.” Lovino crossed his arms. “Didn’t expect you to be interested in double suicide, you freak. But I don’t want to die together with someone weird like you.”
“Ehh~~~ Don’t say that. I want to die together with Lovi.”
“But, seriously.” Lovino hesitated for a moment. “Uh… what do you think about death? If—I mean if—someone told you they had always wanted to kill themselves, what would you think? Of course, I’m not saying that person is me or anything, bastardo!”
Being asked something like that so suddenly made me freeze a little.
But when I saw the serious expression on Lovi’s face, I straightened my back and answered properly.
“Um… I suppose it would depend on my relationship with that person. Under normal circumstances, I would definitely try to convince them to keep living. Unless they truly believed death would be their release, and that dying would make them much happier than living. And if they happened to be someone I liked, then I think I would ask whether I could die with them too. Haha. After all, Lovi just said I was interested in double suicide, right?”
I smiled.
“You really are a freak,” Lovino snorted.
But to my ears, there was no contempt in those words at all.
After finishing our coffee, Lovino and I walked out of the café together. Under the sunlight, I stretched my arms high above my head, then turned to him and asked, “So, Lovi, shall we go to that nearby park, find somewhere quiet, and listen to you play guitar?”
“I guess that’s fine. You lead the way, bastard.” Lovino adjusted the strap of the guitar case on his shoulder. “I’m not actually that familiar with this area. My house is out in the suburbs, so I usually hang around there.”
“I happen to know the perfect place,” I said to Lovino, half-joking. “It can be our secret base.”
We walked together toward the park.
To be honest, walking down the street with an emo boy made me a little nervous. Maybe because of Lovino’s appearance, and maybe because of that huge guitar case on his back, the gazes of passersby kept drifting toward us unconsciously.
It was not that I was unused to being looked at or anything like that.
It was only that, whether those gazes were kind or malicious, as long as they fell on Lovino, I felt strangely displeased. Somewhere inside me, there was even a very odd thought like, Ah, I really wish I were the only person in the world allowed to look at Lovi.
As for Lovi himself, he did not seem to react much to all those eyes on him. Maybe he had already grown used to being stared at. Or maybe he simply did not care.
Either way, that made him seem very cool to me.
I led him through the park, past the pedestrians and the people walking their dogs, and brought him toward a quiet clearing in the trees—a place I had never even told Gilbert or Francis about.
A place that had belonged only to me.
And now, to Lovino too.
Trees cast shade around the clearing. Wind slipped through the gaps between the branches and brushed gently against us.
I turned around to face him, opened my arms, and smiled.
“What do you think, Lovi? It’s a pretty good place, right?”
“Yeah, yeah.” Lovino sat down without the slightest hesitation, tossed his guitar case aside, and began unzipping it. “It’s not bad, bastard. Didn’t expect you to actually be useful.”
As he said that, he took out his guitar, slung it properly over himself, placed his fingers on the strings, and plucked them lightly.
“Hehe. Of course I’m useful.” I smiled and sat down cross-legged beside him, propping my chin on my hand as I tilted my head to look at him. “Lovi, what are you going to play?”
“A song I wrote myself.”
Lovino lifted his head proudly.
His fingers began moving skillfully across the strings.
I stared, completely fascinated, at the quick movements of his hands. Fierce music rose around us, and even the green grass swaying in the wind seemed as if it were moving along to his rhythm. Lovino’s head moved slightly with the music he played. His lips were pressed tightly together, and the piercing beneath his lower lip flashed in the sunlight.
I stared hard at his face, unwilling to miss even the smallest detail.
Then Lovino opened his mouth and began to sing.
Ah.
The intro had ended.
I watched the shape of his mouth, and only then did I notice that he had a tongue piercing too. The silver stud looked so out of place against the vivid red of his tongue, and yet it was so beautiful.
The sound of his guitar and the sound of his voice fit together perfectly.
I even felt that, in that moment, Lovino seemed to be shining.
But it was not the kind of sacred light an angel might have.
It was rebellious.
Dark.
Almost demonic.
He was like a siren using his song to lure sailors into the sea.
And I was the human enchanted by his voice, bewitched beyond saving, willingly following him down into the depths.
He was singing in Italian, so I could not understand the meaning of the lyrics.
Looks like I’ll have to learn Italian someday, I secretly decided.
I did not know how many minutes passed after that. Maybe only three or four. But it felt like an hour, and at the same time, it felt like only a few seconds.
Only when Lovino’s music stopped did I finally wake from the spell.
“Lovi…! That was so good…!”
I was so excited that I almost wanted to shake his shoulders.
“So cool. So handsome. You were just like one of those amazing guitarists at music festivals! No, you were even cooler than them. That was incredible. I don’t even know what to say…”
Listening to my praise, Lovino curved his mouth upward as if he had expected nothing less.
“I told you I was good, didn’t I? Worship me more, you mortal!”
“But I didn’t know you could sing too. Your voice is so beautiful too, and so cool. I almost felt like my soul was being stolen by your song…!”
I clenched my fists excitedly, my eyes shining as I looked at him.
“You’re amazing. You could totally become the vocalist of an emo band or something. I want to listen to you sing for the rest of my life!”
Lovino’s cheeks flushed faintly.
I did not know whether it was because of my praise, or because he had not caught his breath after singing.
“Hmph. Hmph. That’s right. Just like that. Praise me harder, you bastard!”
Then he fidgeted a little, as if embarrassed, and said, “I-I mean, I do want to be the vocalist and guitarist of an emo band. But I haven’t met anyone who can form a band with me yet… No, that’s not it. I just look down on all of them! I don’t think anyone is worthy of my guitar and my voice!”
“You’re right, Lovi. I also think those other mortals aren’t worthy of you at all. But…”
I hesitated for a moment, then said, “Actually, um, I learned drums for a while before. Does Lovi think I could form a band with you? Ah, of course, I’ll work hard to learn more about emo culture too, and I’ll practice the drums properly!”
Lovino froze a little.
He widened his eyes at me, then asked with obvious excitement—though he would never admit it—“R-really, bastard? You’re willing to form a band with me? As my drummer? Are you serious?”
“Of course I’m serious!”
I took one of his hands.
“Please let me be your drummer. I want to form a band with you for the rest of my life. Really.”
Lovino stared at me with a red face for a long while.
Then he lifted his chin and said, “Hmph. Then I’ll reluctantly agree, bastard. But if you regret it later, I’ll headbutt you to death. So swear properly!”
“I definitely won’t regret it!”
At that moment, an excellent idea suddenly rushed into my mind.
I smiled and suggested, “Then how about we make a blood oath?”
“Hah?”
Lovino tugged at the corner of his mouth.
“You really come up with things out of nowhere. But since the idea of a blood oath is pretty cool, I’ll agree. Good thing I happened to bring a knife today.”
As he said that, he reached into the side pocket of his guitar case and pulled out a small knife.
“W-why did you bring a knife when you were meeting me, Lovi?”
I pretended to tremble in fear, hugging myself with both arms.
“Because you’re an online friend. What if you really had bad intentions toward me? Of course I had to bring a knife for self-defense.”
Lovino looked at me as if I were an idiot.
“Ehh~~ Trust me a little more, Lovi!”
“That’s why I’m only taking the knife out now, isn’t it? All right, shut up already, bastard. Hold out your hand.”
Lovino waved the knife and ordered me.
“Yes, Lord Lovino!”
I said that dramatically, then opened my hand to him.
Lovino used the knife to make a light cut across my palm.
My skin split, and blood quickly welled up.
Although Lovino had not used much strength, it still hurt a little. I endured the pain and watched as Lovino skillfully drew the blade across his own palm.
Watching that movement, I suddenly felt something strange.
As if Lovino had already used a knife on himself hundreds of times before.
But Lovino soon interrupted my thoughts.
He stretched out his bloodied hand too, then took mine.
Our wounds touched.
It gave me a strange, peaceful happiness.
As if Lovi and I really had been connected through the blood in our hands.
That made me feel very happy.
“Swear,” Lovino urged.
“Ah, yes.”
I cleared my throat and said in an exaggeratedly solemn voice, “I swear that I will form a band with Lovino Vargas for the rest of my life. I will be his drummer forever, and follow him.”
Lovino copied my tone and said, “I also swear that I will form a band with Antonio Fernández Carriedo for the rest of my life. I will be his guitarist forever, and lead him!”
After we finished swearing to each other, we looked at one another and could not help laughing softly.
In that moment, I almost felt as if I really could stay with Lovino forever.