Chapter Text
Lloyd drapes a blanket over his mirror, turning it towards the wall. He’s had enough of this, he can’t bear to see him any longer.
Looking around the room, he searches for any other reflective surface. A small handheld mirror on his desktop from Nya, he grabs it and stuffs it into a drawer.
His sword on the wall gets chucked into the back of his closet. Its blade is reflective enough.
He keeps going until he’s gotten rid of anything he could see Enemy Lloyd in. Once he’s done, a weight lifts from his shoulders. This should make his life a little more easier.
These past few days have been hell, he needs it to stop.
His room is pretty empty now. It feels weird, barren. Maybe he went overboard, but he didn’t want to risk seeing Enemy Lloyd ever again. Better safe than sorry.
That face… it haunts him. Seeing someone who looking exactly like you, but wants to kill you, it’s so jarring.
Ever since the Ritual of Unrooting, he thought Enemy Lloyd was gone. He was only part of the trial. But now Lloyd has begun seeing him everywhere, hearing him…
It’s driving him insane! Why won’t Enemy Lloyd leave?
He’s always been around to be honest, but Lloyd suppressed him and kept him down. The ritual only ended up making him stronger it seems. Now it’s impossible to keep the thoughts at bay.
Every time something good happens, he shows up and ruins Lloyd’s whole mood. All he does is bring him down, it’s unbearable.
He doesn’t want these thoughts. This is almost as bad as his Oni side. The Oni side of him is violent, destructive towards the world and people around him. Enemy Lloyd just wants Lloyd dead, to torment him and nothing else. The only reason why Enemy Lloyd is the lesser of the two because in the end, Lloyd is the only one who gets hurt.
Just goes to show how little he truly values himself. Maybe he should be a little more grateful that Enemy Lloyd is the one that’s ended up sticking around more. Anything is better than those violent images flashing through his mind, he’s ashamed for even having them.
How much longer can he keep this in? Keep pretending like he doesn’t hate himself more than ever?
Distractions, avoidance. It’s all temporary.
’Trying to get rid of me?’
Lloyd can head the smugness in his tone, sending chills down his spine briefly.
Leave me alone.
Now, about the rest of the Monastery… he’s already started avoiding certain rooms, passing by mirrors quickly. The others have noticed his odd behavior by now.
It’s small things, but enough for them to notice apparently, considering every look makes him wince as if it hurts and turn away.
Kai approached him a few days ago. Lloyd couldn’t bear to tell him the truth of what really happened during the ritual.
As far as the others know, he had to go through flashbacks. No versions of himself, no manifestation of his own worst thoughts. And thats all they need to-
“Lloyd!”
He jumps, the voice calling his name startling him. He’s been so on edge lately, the slightest things scare him. And being able to hear ALL life now doesn’t make it any better. His mind is always so crowded, it’s like a splash of cold water when something snaps him out of his thoughts.
But once he recognizes Cole’s voice, he calms himself down, putting a hand over his chest as he tries steadying his racing heart.
“Yeah?” Lloyd answers, the slight tremor in his voice making him wince. He walks to the door, stepping out.
“You coming for dinner?” Cole asks from the other end of the hall, poking his head out of the dining room.
Dinner.
Lloyd can’t bear the thought of eating right now. But he can’t let the others worry anymore than they already do.
He clears his throat, trying to keep the shakiness out of it. “Uh. Yeah, coming.”
He takes one last look into the room before leaving, joining the others in the dining room.
He takes his seat between Kai and Nya, seeing everyone has already started eating.
“I fixed your plate for you,” Nya says, elbowing him lightly.
He looks down, seeing the small portions of food on his plate. He’s always preferred it that way, never was a big eater.
“Thanks,” he says, picking up a fork and beginning to eat.
He’s basically forcing himself. Everything has been so heavy on him, he feels sick. Eating is the last thing he wants to do.
But Nya took the time to make his plate, he has to eat it.
He eats slowly, mostly listening to the others talk. The clinking of utensils against the plates is irritating, but bearable, he supposes. He does avoid looking down to often as to not risk seeing his face in the silver of his fork.
He’s taking every precaution he can.
Everyone is cheerful, talking loudly.
Arin and Sora are talking about yesterdays events and how Sora’s parents ended up on the Monastery’s doorstep. Of course, everyone immediately kicked them out.
Geo is struggling to get Fritz and Spitz to sit down and eat, Pixal and Zane are catching Jay up on everything that’s happened.
Lloyd would join, but everything feels all scrambled up there, he can’t bring himself to talk to anyone right now.
“Hey, bud,” Kai speaks up from beside him, “you lose your hair brush again?”
“Ha ha, very funny.” Lloyd rolls his eyes at the comment, but doesn’t move away when Kai’s hand comes up to comb through his messy blond hair.
He actually might’ve, to be honest. He can’t remember the last time he saw his brush. The only time his hair is taken care of is when someone finally sits him down and brushes it for him.
And it’s certainly getting long. He hasn’t gotten the chance to cut it.
Maybe he will tonight.
Kai’s hand freezes mid comb as he watches Lloyd’s obvious discomfort as he eats and picks at his food.
The bags under his eyes, his unkempt look.
Lloyd hasn’t been the same since the ritual.
Kai tried asking Zane and Arin if they knew anything about what happened, but they’re just as clueless. And Zane believes Lloyd is lying about what happened.
Wouldn’t be the first time Lloyd lied to save everyone the worry…
Kai lowers his hand, leaning back in his seat. “So, do you want to…”
He trails off, looking for an excuse to stay with Lloyd a little longer after dinner. In private, maybe he can get Lloyd to open up a little, or at least make sure he’s okay. Video games? Comics?
Actually…
“Wanna show me what you’ve been drawing?”
Lloyd pauses, his face heating up. Drawing? Kai saw him draw? He wants to see his SKETCHBOOK??!!!
“Uh…” Lloyd laughs nervously, “well- you see, I’m not that-“
“Lloyd’s drawings are exceptional!” Zane chimes in. When was he listening in?
Wait-
Lloyd tilts his head. “How do you know?”
“I was in your room and knocked your sketchbook over, it fell open,” Zane explains, an apologetic look on his face. “My apologies, I was curious and quite surprised you took up the hobby.”
Lloyd sweats. What page did Zane see?! It was probably one of the normal ones, considering Zane is speaking so casually.
Not that he draws anything weird, it’s just embarrassing…
“Since when do you draw?” Cole asks before stuffing a spoonful of food in his mouth.
“Well, Zane gave me the idea back at the Whispering Woods,” Lloyd says, fidgeting under the table. He really hopes they all don’t want to see his sketchbook… “You can’t see.”
“Okay, okay.” Cole chuckles at the protectiveness over his drawings. He doesn’t bother him further, going back to eating.
So… no drawings.
Kai feels hopeless. He might just have to try asking again. Lloyd might lie again, but it’s worth a try.
Right. After dinner.
Time passes slowly as Kai impatiently waits for dinner to end, but eventually everyone starts cleaning up. Zane collects the plates, taking them to the kitchen for Mr Frohicky to clean. Lloyd must’ve sensed that Kai was planning on having another talk with him, so he rushed to help Zane.
“I have it handled, Lloyd,” Zane assures him. “You should rest, you look tired.”
Lloyd shakes his head. “No, it’s fine. I want to help.”
Anything to avoid talking.
He collects whats left on the table in his arms, wincing at the sharp clinking noises they make as he stacks the dish ware on top of each other.
He then hands them over to Zane, who thanks him and leaves to the kitchen, leaving Lloyd alone in the dining room.
He stands there for a few moments, the smile he wore for an hour straight dropping. That was tiring.
He wants to go to bed. He should sleep early for once. But Enemy Lloyd doesn’t shut up, does he? He’ll probably end up awake all night, his mind plagued with whatever horrible memories Enemy Lloyd decides to bring up today.
He lets out a sigh, then turns to leave as well. Kai is definitely gone by now, thankfully.
As soon as he’s past the doorway, he’s jumpscared by Kai leaning against the wall right beside the door.
That’s the second time today!
”Uh-“ Lloyd’s eyes widen, and he glances down both ends of the hall. Empty. It’s just him and Kai.
He wants to talk, doesn’t he?
”You got a minute?” Kai asks, concern in his expression. He specifically chose a more casual starter, knowing something direct would make anyone panic. But it seemed to scare Lloyd nonetheless according to how his face flushes.
Those words make Lloyd’s heart sink.
No. No, this is bad. How does he leave?
He stammers, looking desperately for an excuse. “I… I’m tired.”
He steps back, starting to turn the opposite direction. “I’m gonna go to-“
Kai grabs his wrist, stopping him. “Lloyd, you’ve been acting weird since that ritual. What’s going on?”
Lloyd’s stomach churns with anxiety, he hates being confronted. He hates serious talks. He hates how nervous they make him feel.
Why can’t anyone leave him alone?!
”Nothing!” Lloyd yanks his arm back, a little too harshly on accident. He takes another step back. “I told you, I’m just… tired. That’s all.”
”You’re my little brother, you think I can’t notice when somethings wrong?” Kai presses firmly. He quickly realizes his tone and takes it down, not wanting to scare Lloyd. “Look, we’re your family. We’re always there for you, and we want to help. You don’t have to keep hiding things.”
Does he?…
Lloyd hesitates, seeing the genuine worry in Kai’s eyes. The “little brother,” thing doesn’t help. He only feels more guilty. He’s lying to everyone.
But it’s for the best. Everything is going so well for everyone, they don’t deserve to know the truth. Even if Kai is basically begging now for him to open up.
Lloyd can feel himself start to shake. Since the trial all Lloyd wanted was to hug someone. It’s childish, but he’s in the worst state right now. He just wants someone to hold him while he cries and tells them everything. Maybe just once. Maybe he can-
‘You can’t, he doesn’t really care. He’s only pretending to when it’s convenient for him. Don’t bother him.’
Oh, great. He’s back. Lloyd was wondering where he went.
His temptation to finally open up for once quickly disperses, and he shakes his head and narrows his eyes. “I’m fine, Kai.”
Kai frowns, his shoulders slumping. He should’ve expected that.
”Dude, if something happened-“
”Nothing. Happened.”
Lloyd’s defensive tone doesn’t faze Kai. He’s gotten used to it. He lets out a drawn out sigh. “Alright then. You don’t have to tell me, but…”
He then puts his arms out, a warm smile on his face. “You gotta give me a hug before bed. It’s the rules.”
If Lloyd doesn’t want to talk, then Kai at least just wants to hug him.
Lloyd looks at Kai’s open arms, reluctant. He wants to go to his room. If Kai hugs him he might start crying, which he doesn’t want to do. Not now, not ever.
But how can he ever refuse a hug from his older brother?
His expression softens as he holds back a small smile, poorly hiding it. “… I’m not a child anymore.”
But he accepts the hug, stepping forward and putting his arms over Kai’s shoulders, allowing Kai to hug him back.
It’s nice, nostalgic. He remembers doing this years ago. And Kai’s body is so warm due to his element, he’s like a heater. Now Lloyd doesn’t want to let go.
He wants to stay.
Tears prick his eyes, his smile slowly crumbling. He’s horrible. Awful. How can he keep secrets from them? Is he really doing more harm than good?
He feels bad at lashing out at Kai just now too. He’s only trying to help.
By lying to them so they don’t worry, he’s only made them worry more. He wishes he could make them understand. He wants help. He wants to say something.
He just… can’t.
‘And it’s better that way.’
Maybe it is. If anyone knew just how much Lloyd hated himself…
”You can always come to me, you know that?” Kai says, his thumb gently rubbing Lloyd’s back as he speaks. “All of us. You’ll always be our little bro.”
Lloyd hugs Kai a little tighter, squeezing his eyes shut and holding his breath in case he lets out a sob. He nods weakly, not saying anything.
He stays there for what feels like hours, only letting go when he feels his lip tremble and realizes if he stays any longer he WILL cry.
”Goodnight,” he tells Kai. He keeps his head down so Kai can’t tell he’s about to cry, but the tremble in his voice probably gave it away.
Kai feels his heart ache. He heard the tremble, he sees how Lloyd won’t look at him now. And as Lloyd starts walking away, Kai sees him wiping his eyes with his sleeve and sniffling quietly when he thinks he’s far enough that Kai won’t hear.
It hurts seeing Lloyd like this, and it hurts knowing he can’t help him. Since Lloyd took on the role of leader, he’s been more emotionally closed off than ever.
But what can he do other than wait and be there when Lloyd is finally ready? He can’t force him to talk, that isn’t right.
Suddenly, Zane walks by, leaving the kitchen. He looks at Kai.
”Oh, hello Kai,” he greets. He looks down at Kai’s gi. “I’m not sure if you noticed, but you spilled something on yourself.”
“Huh?” Kai follows Zane’s gaze, then sees the wet spot, right where Lloyd’s face was.
Oh… tears.
”I’ll clean it, thanks,” Kai says, then before Zane can keep walking, he puts a hand on the nindroids shoulder. “Hey, you really sure you don’t know what happened during the trial?”
Zane hesitates at the mention. He wishes he did. “I am sorry… I don’t. I only know what Lloyd has told us.”
Kai crosses his arms, sighing in frustration. He doesn’t mean to feel annoyed, he knows Lloyd doesn’t mean it.
He waves dismissively. “It’s… it’s fine. I’m heading to bed. Goodnight…”
”Goodnight,” Zane says.
With that, Kai leaves, going to his room to turn in for the night.
Meanwhile in Lloyd’s room…
Lloyd slips inside, shutting the door quietly before sliding into bed and burrowing himself under the blankets. Immediately, he grabs his pillow, his face buried in it and holding it in a deadly hug. It doesn’t take more than a second for him to break down quietly, his cries luckily muffled by the pillow.
‘Pathetic! Hugging a pillow and crying like a baby. What kind of leader are you?’
It is pathetic. He’s sitting here pretending it’s a person.
All of this would be avoided if he would just talk. But every time he tries it feels like he’s choking, he can’t get the words out. He feels trapped. Hopeless.
They raised him. Why can’t he tell them how much he’s hurting? It’s not fair to them.
‘Please… don’t make me laugh. Do you think you deserve anything, let alone sympathy? They hate you.’
Shut up… please.
‘If only the Source Dragons hadn’t intervened. You’d be better off dead.’
He freezes, peeking up from under his pillow and looking at the bottle of pain meds on the nightstand with teary eyes. They’re for the injuries left by the trial. Zane looked obviously nervous giving them to him, as if he could tell what Lloyd could do with them. Guess Lloyd wasn’t hiding his feelings as well as he thought.
He wishes he the Source Dragons didn’t revive him too. He wouldn’t be in so much pain. Enemy Lloyd would leave him alone.
But then how would he have been able to save his friends? Is that all he’s for?
If he takes the whole bottle…
No. Not tonight. He promised Arin and Sora he’d help them train tomorrow. He doubts it would do much anyways.