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It’s almost laughable. Eddie can’t sleep because of a child’s scribbles.
Buck was having trouble keeping up with the tornado Theo was leaving in his wake through the house, so Eddie offered to watch him on one of their afternoons off. It took some cajoling, but Buck eventually gratefully accepted.
He’d learned from Hen that apparently you’re not supposed to ask a kid what their drawing is. Something about the impact to their self esteem (not the most guilty he’d ever felt about parenting Chris, but he still felt the pang). So when Theo had presented him with a series of circles, lines, and scribbles, he very methodically said, “Wow, bud! Tell me about your picture.”
“It’s my family,” Theo said proudly.
Eddie leaned in closer, and realized there were 6 circle scribbles with lines coming out of them. He felt like an Art History major interpreting a Da Vinci. “So that’s Theo,” he figured was the easiest stab at it, pointing to the littlest circle.
“Uh-huh!”
Eddie realized two of the circles were in the sky, next to a cloud-esque shape. “And that’s Mommy and Daddy?”
“Yeah, they’re watching over me!”
Eddie’s throat tightened. “That’s really great, Theo.” All told, the kid was adjusting remarkably well, largely due to Buck’s commitment to keeping Connor and Kameron’s memories alive. Eddie suspects it’s going to get harder as he grows up, but if anyone was up to the challenge… “So this is Buck?” he guessed at one of the shapes next to the Theo circle.
Theo nodded. That left two other figures, one connected to Buck with a line and the other standing next to it. “And that’s Maddie and Chimney.”
“Noooo, silly.”
Eddie looked more closely and realized that both Buck and the other figure sported tiny yellow dots - badges, he realized. And the other one had two extra lines connected to the ground. The lump in his throat got even bigger as he asked carefully. “Is that me and Chris?
“Yeah! My family!”
Eddie scooped Theo up and wrapped him in a big hug to hide his wet eyes. “Can I put this on my fridge?” he asked.
“Yeah!”
Chris came out for snacks just in time for the grand refrigerator ceremony. Toddler rambunctiousness didn’t seem to mix well with homework, so he’d retreated to his room. Still, he was sweet with Theo.
“What color magnets should we use?” he cooed.
Theo looked up, deep in thought for a moment. “Red,” he decided. “Like a firetruck.”
“Great choice,” Eddie said with a grin, handing the magnets to Theo and letting him do the honors. He gazed fondly at the crooked picture.
Chris scooted closer to get a better look at it. “Theo, how come Buck and Dad are holding hands?”
“What? We’re not -” He leaned in closer and, sure enough, Buck and Eddie’s respective blobs were connected by a single line.
“Because they’re like Mommy and Daddy,” Theo explained as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
“Ah, because we both take care of you?” Eddie asked, not quite sure why there was a tinge of hope in his voice.
“Because you’re married.”
Chris snorted in a particularly unhelpful way as Eddie tried to gently explain, “Oh, no, buddy, you’re confused. Buck and I aren’t married. We’re just friends. Best friends.”
“Mommy and Daddy said they got married because they’re best friends. When you’re a grown-up you marry your best friend.”
Eddie scrambled. Why was this so hard to explain? “Uh, yeah, but me and Buck - we’re both boys.”
“Mommy and Daddy said boys and boys can get married.”
Chris was now full-on laughing and Eddie’s mind was on overdrive. “That’s very true,” Eddie explained. “But people get married because they’re best friends and they’re in love.”
“You don’t love Buck?” Theo asked sadly.
“Of course I lo…but as a friend.”
Theo looked up at him, the confusion on his face somehow echoing the confusion suddenly coursing through Eddie’s brain. “That’s weird,” Theo decided.
“Tell me about it,” Chris finally piped up, heading back to his room at Eddie’s perplexed glare.
And now, one mildly awkward pick-up and several hours past when he’d wanted to go to bed later, Eddie can’t stop trying to work through why it’s so weird.
It should be simple. They’re best friends and best friends help each other and support each other and fight for each other. Eddie’s never had a friendship as deep as the one he has with Buck before, but that’s just because it’s Buck. He has a special relationship with Buck because Buck is special.
But something’s gnawing at him. It’s like his bout with restless leg syndrome. Something is there and it’s saying, “Pay attention to me!” but he can’t shake it out enough to realize what it is. All he knows is that it’s keeping him up tonight.
---
Eddie is almost proud that he managed the four hours he managed to sleep, resolving to figure this whole thing out today so it’s easier to sleep in their quarters when night rolls around. He figures it might be easier to squash the whole thing entirely if he can just get some clarity on the drawing. The cutest drawing in the world, that is simultaneously destroying his life.
“Did Denny draw much?” he asks Hen, trying to sound nonchalant as they restock supplies in the ambulance.
“Uh, yeah, I guess so.” Hen eyes him suspiciously, which means the nonchalant attempt did not work. “Did Chris?”
“Oh. Um, no, he was more of a coloring guy.” Hen nods and waits for a response, which Eddie is scrambling to give. When she seems satisfied with the silence, she slowly goes back to the gauze kit. “Did he ever draw anything…troubling? About you and Karen?”
Hen turns to fully face him, abandoning the gauze entirely. “Eddie, why would he be drawing ‘troubling’ pictures about Karen and me? Is everything okay with Chris?”
“Yeah, yeah, everything’s fine with Chris. It’s just…I was watching Theo yesterday.”
Hen’s face softens. “Poor kid. Yeah, I could see him drawing some upsetting stuff. Was it Kameron and Connor?”
“No. I mean, yeah, they were in it.”
“Okay. So what’s the problem?”
Eddie takes a deep breath. “He drew me and Buck…holding hands.”
Hen’s expression doesn’t change. “Okay, and?”
Eddie scoffs. “Buck and I don’t hold hands.”
“In the past couple months I’ve seen each of you holding the other’s hand at your respective bedsides multiple times.” Hen rolls her eyes to punctuate her point, and Eddie flounders to explain why this is all so crazy.
“Yeah, but that’s different...”
“Different from what?”
“Theo thought Buck and I were married.” Hen cackles loudly enough that Eddie needs to shush her. “Why is that so damn funny to everyone?”
“Sorry,” Hen says, covering her mouth unhelpfully. “It’s just…little guy’s perceptive.”
“Well, he’s perceiving the wrong thing.”
“He’s perceiving two people who support each other. And are kind to one another. And when they’re not feeling especially kind, they put in the hard work to make their relationship great. I don’t know, that sounds like the marriages I know, the good ones at least.”
Eddie falters. He’s been married, and that’s not what it is. It’s about duty and honor and choosing to be bound to someone forever. Even if Shannon didn’t see it like that, that’s what a marriage is supposed to be. “That’s too easy.”
Hen studies his face, and Eddie hates how exposed he feels right now. “It’s allowed to feel easy.”
Eddie’s not so sure about that, so he pivots to the more obvious. “But, I mean, I guess Theo’s too young to know about…but it’s not like Buck and I could ever…well, I guess, he could…not that he would…I’m straight.”
Hen goes back to packing gauze.
---
Eddie has spent so long pushing the idea of it down, that he decides a new approach to combat his failure to fall asleep again. What if he and Buck were married? It wouldn’t be so bad. Kinda like when they hang out now, but all the time. They’d probably have to get a bigger house to fit their two kids. Luckily, the boys already get along. Buck would make them dinner. Eddie would do the dishes. They’d curl up on the couch, watching some shitty TV show.
But then there’s the sex, and that will definitely unravel this whole thing. Eddie’s seen Buck, and, sure, the guy is objectively hot. His shoulders are a little broader and he’s got an inch or two on him, so Eddie would probably have to nestle into him. And Buck would wrap him up in his big strong arms. Okay, maybe that wouldn’t be so bad. And Buck would kiss him, and there would be stubble, and that would be weird, except Eddie’s not as repulsed as he wants to be. The softness paired with the roughness sounds almost nice. But then there’s the other parts, and Eddie’s seen it, and he’s not the best judge but he supposes it’s a good one and now according to the stirring in his pants, he’s really not as repulsed as he wants to be.
He doesn’t know how he’s ever going to sleep again with the newfound knowledge that he doesn’t think he’d mind fucking his best friend.
---
“I feel like I barely saw you this shift,” Buck says as they pack up for the end of their shift.
Eddie tries to pull a surprised face, as if he hadn’t specifically orchestrated it that way. “Yeah, weird.”
“Is everything okay?” Buck looks genuinely concerned with those shining blue eyes and god, how has Eddie never noticed he’s beautiful?
The thing that’s been haunting him the most over the past few hours is that Buck might not want this. It’s presumptuous to assume that just because Buck’s bi, he’d be into Eddie. And he’s known this about himself for years now - wouldn’t he have made a move by now?
As much as the sting of rejection could hurt, maybe even destroy him, he knows he and Buck have gotten through worse. “Can I show you something when we get out of here?”
---
Buck gets the OK from Maddie to keep Theo there for an extra hour or so and follows Eddie back to the house. Eddie can feel his curious eyes on him, but doesn’t dare look back for fear of chickening out. He wordlessly leads Buck through the living room and the dining room and into the kitchen.
Buck examines the picture carefully. “Are you…getting into art?” he asks.
“Ha ha,” Eddie responds. “No, your kid drew that.”
“Not bad,” Buck says with a squint. “What the hell is it?”
Eddie takes a deep breath. “His family. That’s Kameron and Connor. That’s him, the little one. That’s Chris, the slightly less little one. And next to him is…”
“Me and you,” Buck answers without looking up. “Are we…”
“Holding hands? Yeah. Because we’re married.”
Buck turns to look at Eddie, and his stomach sinks when he recognizes the look on Buck’s face as horror. “I am so sorry, Eddie. I don’t know where he got that. I’ll talk to him.”
Eddie tries to invoke the bravery that got him his Silver Star as he soldiers on. “I know where he got it. He saw that we care for each other. He saw that we’re partners. And I think he saw something that I didn’t see.”
“What’s that?”
“You know when you’re looking at a painting. Maybe by someone more skilled than a 4-year-old? And it’s a bunch of dots and it’s nice and all, but it doesn’t really look like anything. But then you figure out you have to step back. And then that’s when you see the real beauty in it. You see the whole picture.”
“Eddie…” Buck sounds desperate and Eddie knows he needs to rip the bandaid off. “What did you see?”
“That I love you. I’m in love with you, Buck.”
“Are…are you sure?”
Eddie looks down, ready to figure out the best path ahead, hoping that he doesn’t fully lose Buck in the process. “I’m sure. And you know, I get that you don’t -”
He’s cut off by Buck taking his hand. And then his other hand. And then pulling him in closer, which Eddie hopes and hopes and hopes is an invitation to close the distance. Luckily, it is, as their mouths slot together. It’s soft and delicate at first, as if they’re both trying to suss out if this is real. And when they seem to decide it is real, the kiss deepens. Eddie decides Buck’s not close enough and pulls him closer.
They’re out of breath when they part lips, but they continue to grasp onto each other, like that’s the only way they’ll stay on the ground. Eddie examines Buck’s flushed smile, but notices that Buck is transfixed with the picture.
“I think we should frame it,” Buck decides and goes for another kiss.