Work Text:
“Man, what they don’t tell you about touring in your 30s, my knees are not what they used to be, and that jump really just-“
As he turned the corner, Tyler realised Josh wasn’t on the bed where he thought he’d be, and Tyler briefly thought he’d just been talking to himself.
He cut himself off, noticing a soft sound. Tyler wandered around further, finding that the bathroom door was open, revealing Josh standing dead still at the sink. He was hunched over, one hand gripping the countertop, the other clutching his chest.
“Josh? You okay, bud?” His heart lurched in panic. He wanted nothing more than to run to Josh, but he couldn’t risk startling him and making things worse.
Tyler moved cautiously towards his best friend until he was standing beside him at the sink. Looking closer, he realised Josh was shaking slightly, knuckles white where they gripped the countertop. His eyes were shut tight. He was taking strained breaths, his hand rubbing roughly against his chest.
“Mmm,” he groaned, tilting his head up then down again in desperation.
Josh yanked at the hem of his t-shirt, trying to pull it further from his neck as if he was suffocating in the loose material.
“Josh, focus on my voice, okay? You’re gonna be alright.”
Tyler put a firm hand on the man’s back, trying to ground him in reality. He could barely handle the way Josh whined at the touch. From what he could tell, Josh was having an anxiety attack, by himself. Why hadn’t he gone to get Tyler?
“You’re okay.” He rubbed up and down Josh’s back, pressing down on his shoulder blades. “It’s okay.”
Josh looked up and stared at his reflection for a moment, eyes wide and red-rimmed. Then he dropped his head back to his chest, eyes squeezed closed again. He relaxed slightly under Tyler’s hand. Slightly.
“‘M fine,” he muttered, out of breath, like it was difficult to get the words out.
“Just breathe, baby,” Tyler murmured, still rubbing Josh’s back. “In and out, slowly.”
The man just groaned, dropping his hand from his chest in favour of grabbing Tyler’s free hand. He squeezed it tightly, almost yanking Tyler towards him.
“Hug?” He whispered, trying to figure out what Josh needed.
The man responded by turning slightly to face Tyler and slowly pressing his head into Tyler’s shoulder. He got the message, bringing his arms up to hold Josh tightly as he shook.
“I got you. Breathe, you’re okay,” Tyler murmured against his lover's hair, keeping his voice low. He didn’t want to make this a big deal, couldn’t risk Josh feeling ashamed and shutting himself off because of it.
Josh was still breathing hard, but he seemed less tense as he leaned into Tyler’s touch. He groaned, shoving his face harder into Tyler’s shoulder.
“Sorry…’m fine,” Josh whimpered, shaking his head against Tyler.
“It’s alright. Come on, what have we said about apologies?” He patted Josh’s back soothingly, trying to lighten the mood.
He sighed softly, then relaxed fully, almost knocking Tyler over as he suddenly put his full body weight into Tyler’s arms.
“‘Tired,” he mumbled. “Too old for this.”
“Yeah,” Tyler chuckled. “I was just complaining about that earlier. Let’s go lie down, hm?”
“Okay.”
Josh reluctantly pulled away, letting Tyler take his hand and lead him to their hotel bed. Tyler helped him to lie down, tucking the blanket over the man before joining him, climbing under the covers right beside him.
“Feeling better, Jishwa?” He liked how the man smiled at the nickname, even though he was clearly exhausted.
“Yeah, I’m good.” Josh shifted around until he was lying practically on top of Tyler. “Thanks.”
“Don’t mention it. Why didn’t you come get me? You know I’m always here.”
Tyler started rubbing Josh’s back again, knowing it helped ease the man’s anxiety. He pressed down onto his shoulder blades, trying to massage any leftover tension out of his body.
“I know. I just didn’t…didn’t want to. You know, I’m too old to be panicking like that. I hate it. You’d think after thirty years of anxiety, I’d have figured out how to handle it by myself.” His voice was almost bitter, the tone hidden by exhaustion.
“Josh. You don’t really outgrow this sort of stuff. It’s just as valid as it was when we were 20, man.” Tyler continued to press down firmly, his other hand moving to rest on Josh’s head. “Just cause you’re used to it doesn’t mean you have to go through it alone.”
“Yeah. But I just… mid-thirties, Ty. Still having to go and annoy someone, and have them remind me to breathe until it goes away. It’s stupid.” He relaxed a little more as Tyler switched to stroking his hair, idly separating the red dyed strands from natural.
“You know I’d rather you come and bother me for a bit than be sitting in here panicking all alone. I’m serious, Josh.” He emphasised his point with a soft pat to the man’s curly hair. “Think of it this way. Even in our thirties, you still look after me when the voices get loud. We look after each other through everything. It’s really not stupid, that’s just what it is to love someone.”
Josh was silent, shifting slightly against Tyler’s chest. He seemed uneasy. Tyler knew that sometimes Josh had a hard time accepting that he was the one Tyler loved.
“Should write that into one of your songs, Ty.”
What he left unsaid was more Tyler’s focus. He was clearly uncomfortable, struggling to get his words out. Occasionally, he’d twitch against Tyler’s arms, still fighting the anxious thoughts.
What Tyler wouldn’t give to ease those feelings.
“Wanna talk to me? What was this about?” He asked softly, tracing featherlight circles onto the man’s back.
“Mmm. Just, the tour? I mean, I know it’s not any different than normal, really. But it is, it’s bigger and more important, and if I mess up…” Josh trailed off, taking a deep breath. “Doesn’t help that we’re away from home all the time. It’s just…it’s bad.”
“I know the feeling. You’re gonna be okay, though. I’m gonna make sure of that. Just make sure you tell me when it’s bad, yeah?”
“Yeah,” Josh agreed. “I will. Thanks.”
“It’s okay. I love you, Josh. Yes,” he added as Josh started to protest. “Even with the anxiety. It’s part of you, and I love you. All of you, baby.”
Tyler stroked through his hair, gently playing with his lover’s curls. He pulled Josh’s head closer, almost forcing the man to listen to his heartbeat.
“Love you too, Ty,” he mumbled. Tyler could feel the words against his chest.
“You know, got a couple of greys up here…” he brushed his fingers through absentmindedly. “We’re getting old, huh?”
“Yeah, we are. ‘M glad I’m getting old with you.”
Tyler felt a pang in his chest. God, he loved this man so much it was almost painful.
“Yeah, me too, baby,” he whispered.
“Ty?” Josh murmured against his chest. “I’m glad you’re still here, so we can get old together.”
Tears filled his eyes the second he processed the words. He blinked them away rapidly, instead choosing to move and pull himself down under the blankets with Josh. Tyler gazed into his lover's eyes, memorising every feature of his face.
“I think… I’m glad too.” Josh’s mouth turned to a smile. “Yeah. I wouldn’t trade this for anything.”
He leaned in, kissing Josh’s forehead gently and sliding his arms around the man’s waist. He knew that sometimes Josh liked to divert attention away from himself after an anxiety attack. Tyler didn’t mind it.
“You feeling better?” He asked softly, stroking up and down Josh’s spine.
“Yeah. But maybe if you… kissed me one more time, I’d feel even better.” His eyes crinkled with a smile, eyelids barely open.
Tyler would not deny the man his wish.