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Tyler stared at himself in the mirror.
His reflection stared back, a man he hardly recognised. His bare chest greeted him, ribs no longer visible under his skin. They hadn’t been for a long time. His stomach was so...soft. That was the only way he could think to describe it. No longer hollow and caving in on itself, no longer flat and bony. That should be a good thing, right?
He turned slightly, running his finger across his stomach, where he knew the scars were. Now, they’d healed so well that no one could see them but him, because he knew where to look.
“Hey, Josh?” He called out on instinct, not breaking eye contact with his reflection. “Could you come here?”
Josh had made him promise that if anything was ever going on his mind, he would ask for help. It was something Tyler was slowly getting better at over the years of a happy relationship with his best friend. That time of suffering in silence was over, but it was always hard to try and break that habit.
Footsteps echoed in the hallway, and Tyler was suddenly terrified. He didn’t really want Josh to see him, not like this. Not now. Not shirtless.
“What’s up?” Josh appeared in the doorway, smiling warmly. Tyler cringed away from his gaze.
“Do you…think I’m getting too chubby?”
Josh frowned, eyes darkening.
“What are you talking about?” He stepped closer. “Everything okay?”
Tyler wasn’t sure he could fully explain what was happening in his mind right now. Everything was definitely not okay.
“Talk to me, baby boy.” Josh stood beside him, staring at them both in the mirror. “You’re worried about your body?”
“I just…never looked like this. I’m not the guy you fell in love with. I’m…I’m-“ Tyler stuttered awkwardly, struggling to put words to his discomfort.
“If you dare say fat, I’m gonna punch you in the face. There is nothing wrong with the way you look, Tyler.” Josh dropped his head to the man’s bare shoulder. “You’re still the person I fell in love with.”
“No, I’m not. I’m not…” What, pretty? Is that seriously what this is about? He sighed, curling in on himself, uncomfortable in his skin. “I don’t know.”
“Maybe you’ve changed a little. But we’re supposed to. We’ve both grown.”
Josh brought his hand up to Tyler’s arm, tracing all the way down to hold his hand. It sent sparks through his veins. He spoke kindly, no trace of frustration or distaste, but Tyler's mind could still interpret it in the worst way.
“Would it help if I took my shirt off too?” Josh whispered in his ear, obviously flicking through all the different ways he could help.
“No, it wouldn’t.” Tyler didn’t want to see Josh’s chest right now, beautiful as the rest of him. Josh was a proper man, he worked out, ran marathons, and was just perfect in every way.
“Do you think I should work out more?” He muttered, staring at his stomach. Josh squeezed his hand in response, not seeming to notice where Tyler was staring.
“Do you want to work out more? It’s really a matter of preference.”
Matter of preference. Would Josh prefer him if he was more fit? Would Josh be more attracted to him if he worked out? Tyler's stomach turned.
“I don’t know. It’s just…you’re so hot.” The words fell out of his mouth before he could think. “You’re fit, and you’re beautiful, and you’re perfect. And I used to be skinny, but now I’m getting chubby, and I don’t work out, and-"
“Jesus, Tyler, if you could see yourself through my eyes.” Josh moved to face him, blocking the mirror. “You’d never doubt it. You’re so beautiful, baby boy. You’re everything.”
“But much more importantly,” he continued, looking at Tyler kindly. “You’re healthy.”
The words sent butterflies through his stomach. Healthy. As opposed to ten years ago, when Tyler used to remove his shirt and show off how his ribs were visible, how his arms were stick-thin and bony. He’d been so small, so skinny. Something that had almost broken. Something so fragile and weak, that almost snapped. Nothing like what Tyler was now.
But it wasn't enough. Tyler couldn't help it, he needed to say more, needed to ask more. Needed to ruin it more.
“Are you sure…I mean. I was at least…prettier, right? Back when I was skinnier?” He moved slightly to the side, trying to get a look at the mirror. “You were more attracted to me when we were starting out, and I was skinnier?”
Josh stared at him in shock, mouth slightly open and eyes wide. He stared in horror. Tyler shrunk away from his gaze, he already knew he'd messed up.
“You were dying, Tyler,” Josh said bluntly, brows furrowed.
He moved again, further blocking Tyler’s view of his reflection.
“I wasn’t…dying…I was just…” he couldn’t finish the sentence. He knew it was a lie.
“You were sick. Ty, you were really sick.” Josh’s voice broke slightly. “You can’t tell me you weren’t gonna die if you kept going the way you were.”
Tyler stared pointedly at the ground, ignoring Josh’s efforts at getting his attention.
“I know. I know I was.” He couldn’t raise his voice above a whisper. He couldn’t.
“Ty, baby, you are so beautiful. You’ve always been beautiful. But it’s so much more important that you’re healthy.”
Careful fingers tilted his chin up. Josh was looking at him kindly, an impossibly soft expression on his face.
“You’re alive, and healthy. There’s nothing more beautiful than that.”
Tyler didn’t trust himself to do more than nod.
“Love you, baby boy. I mean it. I’m more attracted to you now that I’m not constantly worrying you’re gonna disappear on me.” Josh got up on his tiptoes and pressed a kiss to his forehead. “Most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”
“I love you too,” Tyler whispered.
“Can I touch you, Ty?” He murmured. “It’s okay if no.”
“You can. It’s fine.” God bless Joshua Dun. Tyler thanked him internally, repeating it in his mind like a prayer.
Josh brought both hands up to Tyler’s shoulders and slowly traced down his chest. Fingers brushed over his tattoos, and down to his almost-invisible scars. Josh knew where to find them. He lingered on each one.
“You’re so pretty.”
His fingers reached Tyler’s stomach. He cringed away ever so slightly, but enough for Josh to notice. The man locked eyes with Tyler for a moment, then dropped to his knees.
“What are you-“ Tyler cut himself off, gasping, as Josh pressed a kiss to his stomach.
“Love you.” Another kiss. “Love you so much.”
Josh wrapped his arms around Tyler’s waist, fingers resting on the waistband of his shorts. He pressed his face against Tyler’s stomach. It made him feel completely vulnerable, but at the same time, safe. This was new.
“I love you too, Josh.” He twirled the man’s hair between his fingers.
“And I love that you’re getting a little chubby. I love it so, so much.” Josh looked up at him from his knees, big brown eyes staring at him in awe. “God, you’re so hot.”
Tyler blushed furiously.
“Do something about it, then.”
Josh grinned, reaching up to Tyler’s face from where he was kneeling. Tyler happily leaned down, letting his lips press against Josh’s. He broke the kiss just long enough to tease the man a little.
“Love seeing you on your knees, Joshie.”