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Asa Fell has been plagued by dreams for most of his life. Incredibly strange, vivid dreams of a realm that is not too different aside from his own. Well, aside from the existence of magic. And get this—The strangest vision of all was that he had wings. He was an angel. An angel with a flaming sword. He’d lost that sword though. Sometime before Eden, but those are mere schematics.
Perhaps it was for that very reason that Asa Fell completely and utterly fell [Pun not intended] with reading. He’d devour just about every book he could get his hands on, just like that angel in his dreams who loved reading and stars and food and most of all, a tall, slim man garbed all in black, who had just the darn silliest insistence to wear sunglasses at all hours of the day.
It was necessary, of course, considering that other man in his dreams was a demon.
Oh, but he was the kindest, gentlest soul that Asa Fell—No, that Aziraphale had met ever since the beginning of creation. Sweet, darling Muriel was high up on that list, but Crowley would always have a special place in Asa Fell’s heart.
Wait, what Asa Fell meant to say was that Crowley was special to Aziraphale.
Asa Fell was nothing more than a dreamer.
He dreamt of a life that never belonged to him. A life that was impossible, since magic did not exist. Angels and demons were nothing more than fictional creatures. Literary devices to make books more interesting.
Asa Fell never met Crowley.
He never fell in love.
He never got his heart broken.
He never broke the heart of his love, because his love never existed.
Crowley did not exist. Aziraphale did not exist.
They were both merely figments of his imagination.
Maybe Aziraphale was going crazy. Maybe he was always crazy, ever since he met that beautiful angel who created the stars, that very same angel who was with him throughout all of creation, who rescued his books back in the Second Great War, and it was that same demon that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with—That he wanted to wake up to Crowley’s sleeping face, tangled up in each other’s arms. He wanted them to share all of their firsts together, he just wanted…all he wanted was to help.
He wanted to make Heaven worthy of Crowley.
He wanted Crowley to see just how good and righteous Heaven could be.
He wanted humanity to have the same chance at happiness that they did. Their lives may not have been perfect—Oh, goodness no! But it was still theirs. Both he and Crowley made their decisions to just…disappear. To fade away. All for the sake of humanity, of their beloved humans.
Aziraphale fell in love.
Asa Fell never did.
His dreams are so indistinguishable from reality.
Asa Fell has good days and bad days. So did Aziraphale, but at least he had a Crowley waiting somewhere out there for him. Asa Fell never had that luxury. But Asa Fell cannot complain. The weight of the entire universe was never placed on his shoulders.
He never had to smite anyone. He was never put in charge of angelic soldiers, and he never carried the weight of Holy flames in his hands.
He was merely…Asa Fell. A human.
Nothing more, nothing less.
What would Crowley say if he could see him now?
Would he even recognize Asa Fell?
And why is Asa Fell getting so worked up over a man who never existed? A literal man from his dreams…and what lovely, wonderful dreams they were.
His dreams were filled with light and joy and laughter and every single wonderous thing about humanity. But they were interspersed with all that was wicked and vile in this world. Violence, atrocities committed just for the sake of cruelty—Countless poor, innocent souls who’s lives ended before they could ever begin.
Asa Fell is not Aziraphale.
He never met a kind angel who embodied the very stars that he created.
And he never met an equally kind but terribly tragic demon who fell for the sake of mere curiosity. For wanting to know more. For going against the natural orders of things.
Asa Fell never met that demon who he would have gladly spent the rest of eternity with.
In the end, they were never able to run away together to Alpha Centuari.
At least Aziraphale got to hold Crowley’s hand one more time.
Strangely enough, there’s a lingering sense of warmth on Asa Fell’s hand. It feels as if he’d been holding onto charcoal. Somehow, that was just another one of Crowley’s eccentricities. It was quite darling, really, and comforting—Reminding Aziraphale immensely of long days spent in each other’s company during blizzards. Both of them sitting in-front of the fireplace. Laying next to each other side by side, shoulders touching as Aziraphale would idly pass the time by reading stories to Crowley.
Asa Fell is not Aziraphale.
As far as Asa Fell is concerned, Aziraphale is merely a figment of his own imagination. It must have been stress that got to him—Oh, it truly was frustrating that so many people wandered into his bookstore and had the audacity to try to purchase one of his books!
Aziraphale was not a violent man, but a certain angelic miracle here and there had kept the most stubborn of humans away from his hard-won novels.
Wait.
That is a terrible business practice.
Why would Asa Fell ever try to chase away potential customers?
While Asa Fell isn’t lacking for money, the book selling business is notoriously not the most lucrative venture out there. He needs to sell as many books as he possibly could, because unlike Aziraphale, Asa Fell is a human. He’s mortal. He can’t just conjure money out of thin air. He needs to sell his beloved books to eat, and he needs to eat food to survive.
That’s one of many things that Asa Fell has in common with Aziraphale. Their shared love of food, but Asa Fell really does need to sell more books this month. He’s nearly in the red, and oh dear, if he falls short, how ever will he be able to purchase more books for his personal collection?
Oh, wait, what was Asa Fell even doing?
He found himself lost in his thoughts again, in his waking daydreams.
Asa Fell was always a dreamer, but it’s been happening more often as of late.
It should be concerning, to have visions that are nigh indistinguishable from reality. A part of Asa Fell is wondering if he should get his head checked out, but somehow, the thought of being prescribed medication, of having these visions of that kind, lovely demon with fiery red hair is worth everything. And…if Asa Fell were to ever lose these dreams, he does not know how he’d ever be able to cope.
All he knows is that he sleeps and he dreams and a part of him wants to sleep and never wake up.
He doesn’t want to die.
Asa Fell so very much wants to live, but it’s only in the sanctity of his dreams that he can find that lovely demon again—That he can hold onto Crowley, his Crowley one more time.
When he sleeps, he feels complete, whole.
But when he’s awake, there’s a hollow in his heart. He’s happy and thankful to even be alive, but more times than Asa Fell can count, he wakes up with an empty feeling in his chest and tears in his eyes.
He mourns over what could have been.
He mourns for that angel who so desperately wanted to profess his love to that demon—Who wanted so very much to spend the rest of eternity with.
He mourns for that angel who wanted to do good, and he mourns for that demon who wanted to do good by his angel—Both of whom wanted what was best for humanity…even at the very cost of their own existence.
And…when Asa Fell woke up that very morning, it was to an empty bed and a hollow feeling in his chest.
Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes, and all he desired was to see Crowley one last time.
But despite it all, despite the pervasive feeling of loss, Asa Fell couldn’t help but feel hopeful. And as the morning proceeded, as afternoon soon fell upon him, that sense of hope only intensified.
Aziraphale and Crowley never met again.
Not in that lifetime, at least.
Their lives intended, but countless other lives could exist thanks to them.
It was their expression of love.
They may no longer exist…they may not have gotten that coveted, happy ending in Alpha Centauri, but their love found a way to transcend time and space and perhaps in some other life, in some other kinder reality, they both found a way to meet again.
Aziraphale and Crowley never met again in that life, but that’s not to say their story did not end there.
Fate is a fickle mistress.
It’s cruel and unforgiving, but maybe, just maybe—Fate would afford them just the tiniest bit of kindness. They’d spent over six-thousand years loving each other in secret, and passion like that cannot be snuffed away like a lit candle.
Aziraphale and Crowley loved each other.
They both loved humanity.
And they both valued free will above all else.
Perhaps they’ll both meet each other again some sunny day…but not in a way that either of them would have ever expected.
---
Asa Fell had his third cup of coffee that very day when the bells to the entryway of his store let out a melodic hchime. He looked up from the novel he’d been reading, feeling that strange sense of longing, of hope.
He didn’t know it at the time, but that missing piece of the puzzle would soon be found.
There was a man standing by the entrance to his store.
A rather tall, distinguished looking individual dressed in a black suit. He’d been sporting a pair of glasses and his hair was red, but not quite as vivid as the demon from his dreams.
Asa Fell did not realize it just yet.
And perhaps he could never fully articulate his words, but when he met this man who he later learned was an astrophysicist [Just like that angel in his dreams who painted the night stars in the sky], Asa Fell could not help but wonder and wonder and wonder…..
Was it fate that guided them together?
For the longest time, Asa Fell felt as if something was missing in his life.
It all changed once he met this man who was similar to that demon from his dreams. His love of stars, the way he’d smile and how his eyes would crinkle up. The way that he had an affinity for ducks and doted on Asa Fell’s assistant [A very kind, silly, but hardworking individual who had a propensity for dressing all in white], and…Asa Fell just knew that this was the man he wanted to spend his life with.
Day by day, year by year, his visions of that reality where angels and demons existed had grown lesser.
And with each passing moment he spent with this man, the inconsistencies between that world and his world gradually began to fade away.
Aziraphale and Crowley never met each other again.
Not in that life, at least.
But it was thanks to their love for each other—A love that transcended absolutely everything that a love like Asa Fell’s could be nurtured and blossomed into something special and precious.
Asa Fell is not Aziraphale.
Aziraphale is not Asa Fell.
Though, they both experienced love.
They knew what it was like to hold something so near and dear to their heart.
It was not the happy ending that Aziraphale or Crowley expected, but it was something.
And for now, maybe that’s enough.