Archive of Our Own

Ilya Rozanov had heard it all. He was too mean, he was too brash, couldn’t Shane have picked a nice boy from Montreal? “We don’t care that you’re gay, Shane, but did it have to be Rozanov?” His name was spat out like a curse, as if he was the worse thing to ever happen to Shane. Which maybe he was. Maybe he was a stain on Hollander’s good name. He was the golden boy of the NHL, the perfect hockey player, perfect friend, perfect person.

Then there was Ilya.

A mess. A slut. Violent. Rude. A smart ass. A waste of space.

Shane Hollander was everything that Ilya was not. Now, after Shane’s entire life had been upended after they had been outed, he couldn’t stop thinking about it. Couldn’t stop thinking about maybe this was all his fault. Maybe if Shane had fallen in love with someone better, his life would not be ruined.

But, Ilya Rozanov was a selfish man.

He loved Shane too much, he couldn’t let him go. The very thought of letting Shane go made him sick to his stomach. He couldn’t imagine leaving him now, not when he finally had him. Not when they had gone through so much together, not when they had just gotten married.

He would be better, though. He would be everything Shane deserved. He would be more socially acceptable, he would be more low maintenance, he would be nicer to Shane, and he would stop being so horny. He would be a normal, healthy person who could be exactly who Shane deserved.

1. Scott and Kip

Shane gave Ilya a soft kiss as they stood outside of the restaurant. He pulled away and looked up at Ilya with adoring eyes, reaching up to fix a stray curl and smiled.

“Be nice,” he asked, poking Ilya in the nose. Ilya gave him a lazy, lopsided smile that always made Shane’s stomach do some kind of complicated flip and twist.

“I am always nice,” he said and gave Shane one more kiss before he opened the door and gave his husband a dramatic bow.

Shane snorted.

“Dumbass,” he muttered before he walked in and told the Maitre’d that they had a reservation. Ilya stepped forward and twined their fingers together before they were led back to a private room where the Hunters were already seated.

“Shane! Ilya!” Kip exclaimed as he got up and gave the two a quick hug. Scott stood and shook both of their hands with his polite smile.

“How are you both?” Scott asked as they all took a seat at the table. Shane blushed as Ilya pulled his chair back for him and gave him a soft kiss. He loved when Ilya acted just a touch more gentlemanly, especially in front of others, letting them get a glimpse of the side of Ilya that Shane always saw. Kip crooned at them as Shane took a seat and Ilya sat down beside him.

“We’ve been good. Now that the season is over we’re getting everything prepped and ready to go for camp,” Shane said just as a server came by and took drink orders. Ilya wrapped his ankle around Shane’s quietly.

“That’s exciting, I know Scott’s been super pumped to fly out for camp again this year. I think at this point he likes it more than he likes hockey,” Kip said with a laugh. Shane waited a heartbeat for Ilya to make some kind of chirp about how Scott needed to retire, from the look on Hunter’s face he was expecting the same.

“Yes, camp is very fun,” Ilya said instead. “Most exciting part about summer.”

“Most exciting?” Shane asked, raising his eyebrows, Scott and Kip both ogling him in surprise. 

“Yes, well, aside from spending time at cottage,” Ilya said with a nod of his head. “Foundation is nice, I like getting to teach. Hunter, do you feel the same?”

“I do,” the man said hesitantly, looking as if he had been caught off guard. Which Shane could understand, Ilya never skipped an opportunity to chirp at Scott and his age. “It reminds me of when I had people take a chance on me when I was a kid.”

“Yes,” Ilya said with a nod. “I like it. I don’t want kids to train like I did as a kid.”

“How were you trained, Ilya?” Kip asked, resting his head on his fist just as their drinks were set down. Ilya took a sip of his water and let out a huff.

“Ah, if you mess up, coach would hit you with hockey stick,” Ilya said with a nod of his head. Shane’s heart ached at the thought. His husband had told him about the abuse he had gone through as a child while he learned how to play hockey. The rigorous training, getting hit, other punishments for not doing well enough. It hurt Shane’s heart to think about it. “Then other punishments like kneeling on rice, hours of bag skates, ridiculous diets, you know, the typical Russian coach abuse.”

“That’s horrible,” Scott said, his brow furrowed. “I’m sorry you dealt with that.”

Shane placed his hand on Ilya’s thigh and squeezed it lightly. The dinner felt as though he was in a completely different universe. Ilya wasn’t just not chirping Scott Hunter, but he wasn’t deflecting, he wasn’t teasing or being his usually funny self. It was odd. Hell, he admitted to getting abused as a kid to someone besides him! It was a side of Ilya he had never seen before and while he had asked Ilya to be nice during dinner, it wasn’t what he had expected.

He almost didn’t like it. Maybe it was selfish of him, maybe he was being ridiculous. But he didn’t like Ilya sharing that side of him with anyone else. Ilya and his secrets were for Shane, no one else.

He looked over at his husband, at the slight tension in his jaw, the tightness in his shoulders. Maybe this was something Galina wanted him to do. But usually Ilya told him when Galina was having him do something new or more open.

“You did good this season, Hunter. I am sorry the Admirals were knocked out of playoffs, was because of Vaughn’s injury I’m sure,” Ilya said as he scanned the menu. Shane looked at his husband in surprise before he met Scott’s eyes.

“What the fuck?” The older man mouthed, eyes wide. Shane shrugged his shoulders helplessly. Maybe Ilya wasn’t feeling well?

2. The Team

“Alright, are you sure we need to go? Maybe we can just go back home and you know,” Shane said, pushing his tongue against his cheek in a lewd gesture.

Ilya snorted. “I am the captain, I need to show myself for at least a little bit. But then we can go home and do whatever you want, Sunshine.”

Shane’s toes curled at the thought. Oh he was going to ride the absolute fuck out of Ilya once they got home.

“We can stay for an hour,” Ilya said before his eyes went soft. “But if you feel ah overstimulated, we can leave before that.”

With that, Ilya got out of the car and Shane stared at the windshield for a moment.

“Overstimulated,” he whispered. “Where the hell did he learn that word?”

He shook his head and got out of the car. He took Ilya’s hand in his and the two made it up to the gate leading into the backyard where the team was already gathered. Music was playing through a large speaker over on the patio, some kind of pop music which let Shane know that Evan had not gotten his hands on the speaker yet.

Shane waited for Ilya to loudly announce them as he typically does when they showed up to a team gathering. Instead, Ilya simply wrapped his arm around Shane’s waist, giving him a soft kiss.

“I’m going to go and talk to Barrett and Harris for a moment. I want to show them pictures of Anya’s newest brother,” he murmured.

“You’re leaving me?” Shane asked, eyebrows raised in surprise. Usually Ilya stayed glued to his side, mostly because he wanted to bask in getting to have more PDA than he typically got. Whenever they were in public, they tried their best to stay professional. Which was frustrating but it made life easier for them both. But it meant that when they were in safe presence of their team and friends, Ilya was a lot more handsy. He was a tactile person, wanted to touch Shane any chance he got, and he was a bit of a voyeur, in a way where he liked showing people that he was the one who got to be in a relationship with Shane.

“I’ll just be across the yard, my love. Besides, you should mingle with our friends,” Ilya said with a small smile. Shane’s shoulders dropped as Ilya ambled away towards Harris and Troy, his phone already out to show them pictures of their new cat. The cat distribution system, as Kip had called it, hit them when Mochi had shown up on their doorstep, emaciated and shivering in the middle of the night and Ilya had nearly died the moment he saw him. He was a little tortoise shell cat and according to the vet he was about six months old.

Ilya had decided he needed a Japanese name but because it was also Ilya, his mind had been on food and thus, the name Mochi was born.

He was precious and Shane would never admit it, but he adored Mochi. He liked how Mochi would lay on his chest and sleep there, he liked the way Mochi’s tongue felt when he licked Shane’s cheek. And there was something comforting about the way he would lay on Shane and just purr, it almost instantly killed any anxiety in Shane’s body any time he did it.

But he could have gone with Ilya to tell Harris and Troy about their newest pet. He didn’t know why Ilya didn’t want him to go with. Was he tired of Shane? Tired of Shane hovering by his elbow any time they were at one of these things? He was still new to the team and yes, they were all incredibly kind and accepting, but the social anxiety was mostly too much for Shane. Having Ilya have his hands all over him never failed to calm him down at these things, just hearing the soothing timbre of his voice made everything feel so much better.

Shane looked around the backyard before deciding to sit beside Wyatt and Bood who were sitting by the grill and snacking on a plate of food.

“Hey guys,” he said, falling into a lawn chair.

“Hey, where’s your shadow?” Bood asked, giving him a sly grin. Shane rolled his eyes.

“Showing Harris and Barrett pictures of Mochi,” he said and Hazy’s eyes lit up.

“Mochi?” He asked and Shane smiled.

“Yeah we rescued a kitten a few weeks ago, and Ilya named him Mochi,” he said as he pulled his phone out of his pocket and showed the two of them a few pictures. “Don’t let Ilya know, but I think Mochi is my new favorite.”

“As he should be,” Bood said with a nod of his head.

“I got you some food, my love,” Ilya said, coming over about fifteen minutes later. He handed Shane a paper plate with a veggie burger wrapped in lettuce, and some roasted veggies. “Boody made those campfire veggies you like.”

“Oh yeah! This time we did zucchini, squash, and eggplant! You’ll have to let me know what you think,” Bood said and Shane gave him a small smile.

“I bet they taste amazing,” he said and gave Ilya a soft kiss on the cheek. “Thank you baby.”

Ilya smiled and pressed a cold can of Ginger Ale into his free hand before sitting on the armrest of Shane’s chair.

“I was just telling Bood and Hazy about Mochi and how I had to talk you out of naming him Tamago,” Shane said, giving him a bright smile.

Ilya laughed. “Tamago is a very good name! Especially for a cat!”

“We can’t name our son “Egg” it just feels wrong,” Shane told him as he set his drink in the holder connected to his chair. His smile widened when Ilya handed him a fork for his food and took a bite of his veggies, moaning in appreciation. “Bood, these are amazing.”

“Egg is a good name,” Hazy told Ilya. “I think Tamago would be cute, but Mochi is a lot better. There’s actually a cat in this movie I watched, Big Hero Six, and his name is Mochi!”

“Mochi is very good name,” Ilya said with a nod of his head. “My love picked it out.”

“You gave me a list, I just picked my favorite out of the list,” Shane said, smiling.

“And you picked the most perfect name for our son.” Ilya then looked at Bood. “By the way, Boody, Milo is precious, I love his little cheeks.”

Bood grinned and launched into telling them a story about his baby and Shane glanced over at Ilya who was carefully not touching him but still sitting close. Shane had his food balanced on his thighs and set his free hand on Ilya’s thigh, rubbing it softly as they listened to Bood speak.

Maybe he was being dramatic, maybe Ilya wasn’t avoiding him. About thirty minutes later, Shane stood to throw away his plate and Ilya had wandered away to talk with others.

“Dude,” Evan said, coming up to Shane, Chouinard and Dillon on his heels.

“What’s up?” Shane asked, grabbing some hand sanitizer from his pocket and pouring some in his hand before putting it back in his pocket.

“Is something wrong with Rozy?” Dillon asked, brows furrowed.

Shane frowned and glanced over where Ilya was talking to Haasy, Holmberg, and Boyle. “He’s fine, I think? Why? What did he do?”

“He complimented my toe drag from the game last week and he was really fucking nice about it,” Chouinard whispered as if he said it any louder someone would hear and give him shit for it.

“He offered to spend time practicing with me tomorrow after main practice,” Dillon said.

“Those are just things a good captain does, I don’t understand what’s wrong, Ilya always does stuff like that,” Shane said, confused.

“No, you don’t understand. Rozy has a usual way he says this shit, it’s like a compliment sandwich when he does it. This time he was just genuine and that’s not all,” Chouinard said and glanced at Dykstra.

“He said I could have the aux during practice tomorrow,” Evan said, eyes as wide as saucers.

“What the fuck?” Shane demanded, voice louder. Ilya glanced over at him, frown on his face. Shane waved him off.

“I know!”

Shane ran a hand over his face. “Okay, okay. Maybe something is wrong. I’ll check on him later.”

“My music isn’t that bad, but Ilya is constantly ragging on it and that means something has to be wrong,” Evan said, looking genuinely concerned.

Shane chewed on his bottom lip for a moment. Ilya was acting differently, but also, he was on new meds. Maybe that had something to do with the change in attitude. He would just have to figure out how long it would last. Because he didn’t know how much more of weird Ilya he could take.

3. The club

“Alright my love,” Ilya said, his hand wrapped around Shane’s waist. “I got us a VIP table in the back, Fabian and Ryan should be meeting us here.”

The two were at a nightclub in Toronto and had reached out to their friends about going out. Fabian had raved about this nightclub and all but begged for them to come. Mostly because he wanted a dance partner and Ryan usually felt awkward dancing at the club and Ilya would be more than happy to dance with him. Mostly because Shane was in the same boat as Ryan.

But, with how weird Ilya had been acting lately, he wanted to dance with his husband. He needed to make sure there was still some kind of connection.

Not only was Ilya being weirdly polite to all of their friends and being distant with Shane in public, he wasn’t teasing Shane anymore, not in public or at home. He didn’t call him Hollander, or Asshole, he didn’t give Shane a hard time literally ever. But worse than that, he wasn’t nearly as tactile. It was as if he was trying to keep a respectful space between them at all times and didn’t initiate anything anymore. He only took part if Shane initiated it and it was driving Shane insane.

They had a free use rule in their house for a reason and Ilya never did anything about it anymore for fuck’s sake. What was the point of having a free use rule if Ilya wasn’t going to bend him over a random counter and rail him in the middle of the day or drop to his knees and blow Shane in the middle of the living room?

“Okay, I think I want a drink and I want to dance before Fabian steals my dancing partner from me,” Shane said, twining their fingers together and dragging Ilya to the bar.

“Really?” Ilya asked and there was obvious joy in his husband’s eyes at the mere idea of dancing together.

Shane grinned and gave him a deep kiss. “Yes, baby, I want to dance in the middle of the dance floor with you,” he purred before he ordered them both a shot of vodka and a fruity cocktail for himself. Shane downed his shot and looked over at Ilya.

“Are you not going to have yours?” He asked and Ilya shrugged.

“How about you drink it? I am not wanting to drink tonight,” he said and Shane frowned but took the shot regardless. Maybe Ilya’s medication didn’t work well with alcohol.

Shane pulled Ilya onto the dance floor, loud, sensual music bumped from the speakers and Shane felt the alcohol start to kick in as he took a long drink from his cocktail and started to grind himself against Ilya.

His husband stood behind him, letting out a soft chuckle in Shane’s ear as his hands went to Shane’s waist and stood behind him, swaying to the music. Shane let out a huff, Ilya was much handsier than this, he knew he was because he was usually begging for Shane to all but have sex with him on the dance floor.

But he was barely moving, mostly swaying as Shane all but threw himself at his husband.

Shane turned around and pressed his hard cock against Ilya as he tossed his arms around Ilya’s shoulders and pulled him down for a kiss, he pushed his tongue into Ilya’s mouth but the man pulled back.

“Sweetheart, you do not like making out in public,” he said gently.

“We’re at a club,” Shane whined. “I wanna make out with you and show everyone here you’re mine.”

Ilya gave him a soft smile. “Of course I’m yours, I will always be yours,” he said and gave Shane another sweet, PG kiss. Shane groaned as he tried to shove his tongue in Ilya’s mouth, desperate to have Ilya shove his tongue down Shane’s throat. But for some fucking reason, he was being a good fucking gentleman.

What the hell was wrong with him? Was the medicine just killing his libido? Did he not find Shane attractive anymore now that they were married and there was no secret thrill to their relationship anymore? Shane chugged the rest of his cocktail, hoping that it would at least shut his brain off from overthinking about the fact that his husband didn’t want him anymore.

4. Hayden

Ilya was holding Amber, bouncing her in his arms as he tried to get her to fall asleep for her nap and Shane was trying his best not to swoon as he watched. His husband was so good with kids and Shane just knew he would be an amazing father.

“What are you thinking over there lyubimiy?” Ilya asked, arching his eyebrow as he looked at Shane.

“Just thinking about how good of a dad you’ll be,” Shane said as Hayden walked in, Jade and Ruby hanging from his arms.

Ilya let out a hum as Arthur came running in, Chompy in his arms as he climbed onto the couch beside Shane and curled up to his side.

“I hope that I am at least half the father Pike is,” Ilya said and Shane’s head whipped towards Hayden who stood, frozen, in the middle of the room, his jaw dropped.

“Really?” Shane asked, waiting for Ilya to make some kind of joke. Only, the man let out a soft hum as Amber finally started to fall asleep.

“Yes. I did not grow up in a loving household, especially after my mother died. My father is a blueprint of everything a father should not be. This might be generalization, but most Russian fathers are not good, I think. But,” Ilya glanced over at Pike. “You are a good papa. Your children are not scared of you, they are comfortable and safe. I hope that I can one day be that for my own children.”

“Rozanov, are you alright?” Hayden asked warily.

“I am perfectly fine. I just do not want to be a bad father,” Ilya said as he rested Amber’s head on his shoulder.

“Well, thank you,” Hayden said, looking touched but also just a bit scared. Shane looked at him in surprise and shrugged his shoulders as Ilya went back to cooing at a now sleeping Amber.

5. Rose Landry

“Go, go have fun, Hazy is taking me to arcade. Have dinner with Rose Landry, have your monthly bitch fest,” Ilya said with a small smile as he ran his hands up and down Shane’s sides.

“You’re sure?” Shane asked, nipping at Ilya’s jaw softly. “Don’t need to leave any hickeys or anything to mark your claim so Rose doesn’t try to flirt with me?”

Ilya let out a soft hum and gave Shane a kiss.

“Hm, no. I trust you,” Ilya said and Shane’s stomach immediately tied into knots.

It wasn’t about trust. He knew Ilya trusted him, hell, Ilya was irritating sometimes with how easily he trusted Shane. But he was possessive, he was jealous and Shane ate it up. He loved when he went out with Rose because he knew that Ilya would be all over him before he left and especially after he came back from a night out with Rose.

“What are you and Hazy doing at the arcade?” Shane asked, voice tight and nervous. Maybe Ilya was bored with him? Now that they were married he didn’t feel the need to stake a claim? The jealousy and possessiveness was just gone because Shane had a ring on his finger? He didn’t like that. He wanted possessive, jealous Ilya who pounced on him the moment he mentioned going out with Rose. The feeling made his toes curl, his heart soar, and he craved the feeling. Craved the feeling of knowing that Ilya wanted everyone in the world to see that Shane belonged to him.

“Play video games, what else do you do at arcade?” Ilya asked, arching an eyebrow. “The arcade has bowling too. Might go bowl.”

“That’s it?” Shane asked, shoulders drooping. Why was he disappointed? Ilya gave him a soft smile and pressed a kiss to Shane’s lips. A car horn went off outside of their house.

“That’s Hazy, I will see you later, Sweetheart. Tell Rose Landry I said hello,” he said and gave Shane one more kiss before he left the house, grabbing his keys on the way out.

Shane frowned as he watched his husband go. Was he really leaving just like that? No making out, no hickies, nothing?

Before he knew it, Rose was at the house with their dinner and Ilya was off at an arcade with fucking Wyatt Hayes. Not only that but he hadn’t texted Shane a single time.

“Am I so boring that you need to keep checking your phone?” Rose asked. The two were currently spread out on the couch, some shitty movie playing in the background as they ate their bowls of ramen carefully.

Well, Shane was being careful. Rose was slurping up her noodles without a care in the world.

“No, it’s not that,” Shane said and set his phone to the side. “Ilya’s being weird.”

He stirred his chopsticks around his noodles and chewed on his bottom lip as he thought about it all.

“Weird how?” Rose asked, nudging him with a sock covered foot. “Come on Golden Boy, tell Auntie Rose what’s going on in your love life.”

Shane crinkled his nose and shook his head. “God, don’t call yourself that. Weirdo.”

“That’s not telling me what’s wrong,” she sang, pushing her toes against his thigh.

“He’s just, I dunno, he’s being weird. Like we were in New York and we got dinner with Scott and Kip, and you know Ilya, he loves chirping Scott. He didn’t chirp a single time, not only that bue he was like open about how his coaches abused him as a kid. Like, he’s only shared that with me and then suddenly he’s telling Scott fucking Hunter? It was weird. And it’s not just that,” Shane said with a huff. “We were all at Bood’s for a cook out and he was so weirdly nice, didn’t tease me or anything. Didn’t tease any of our teammates either, everyone was freaked out. And he didn’t hover! Usually he likes being glued to my side so he can use it as an excute for PDA. Then we went to the club with Fabian and Ryan and he just, was polite? He wouldn’t make out with me, hell, I even tried to grind on him and he didn’t even react!”

“That’s so… not Ilya? Did he dance with you?”

“Like a gentleman! He’s never been so PG at the club in all the time I’ve known him, he didn’t even drink. He didn’t have a single sip of alcohol!”

“Is he sick?” Rose asked, eyebrows to her hairline.

“Rose Landry, that’s not even the worst part,” Shane said, setting his ramen on the coffee table. He was getting too heated, he needed his hands for this. “He was nice to Hayden!”

He threw his hands in the air, tired and confused. “Not only was he nice to Hayden, he complimented him. My husband has been replaced with a pod person, that’s the only thing that makes sense.”

“What did he say?” Rose said in a whisper, eyes wide as saucers.

“He said Hayden's a good dad and that he wanted to be at least half the dad Hayden is,” Shane whimpered, burying his face in his hands. “I don’t know what to do. His meds haven’t changed, he hasn’t mentioned anything going on with his therapy sessions, he hasn’t had a change in his sleeping schedule. We do everything together and there’s been no change in routine. Either he’s bored with married life and he’s bored with me, or he’s a pod person.”

“Pod person is more believable. That man was born to be a married simp,” Rose told him placatingly. “Trust me, he is so down bad for you it’s stupid.”

“Something’s wrong, Rose. This isn’t my husband,” Shane told her, running fingers through his hair.

“Hear me out,” Rose said, setting her own ramen down. “You said he’s at an arcade with a teammate?”

“Yeah, he and Hayes are hanging out,” Shane said with a sigh.

“Let’s go spy on him, see if he’s being weird when you’re not around.”

“Isn’t that weird?” Shane asked, wrinkling his nose in concern. “I don’t want to spy on him, that’s like a breach of trust.”

“Trust me, Shane, it’s not weird. Besides, I know what I’m doing. We need disguises and we need to go to the arcade to see what’s going on.”

Disguises ended up being a few black hats that Shane had shoved into the back of his closet, sunglasses that covered their faces, and nondescript clothing. But regardless, they were at the arcade and Shane could hear his husband from across the arcade.

“God, I love his laugh,” Shane swooned, leaning against his best friend. She snorted and shook his head.

“You’re so dumb,” she teased. Shane just smiled, wherever Ilya was, he was laughing so joyfully, it sounded like he was having the time of his life. Part of Shane was beyond happy about it, the other part was rich in jealous at the idea that someone else was getting to experience Ilya’s unbridled joy. He hated it, actually, that someone else was getting to hear it while he was stuck with weird pod person Ilya.

He wasn’t always pod person, Ilya. He was just a little too nice and perfect now and Shane kinda hated it. He wanted his messy Ilya, his Ilya who teased him relentlessly and drove him nuts. His Ilya who was an asshole and made him want to hide in embarrassment. He wanted jealous Ilya who was climbing Shane like a tree. Not this weird Ilya who had sanded down all of his sharp edges.

“Come on,” Rose said, grabbing his hand. She tugged him through the arcade until they were close to the bowling alley and Shane’s eyes fell on his husband. It wasn’t just Wyatt and Ilya, Wyatt’s wife, Bood, and Dykstra were all with them. Ilya threw a ball and let out another loud laugh as he got a strike, throwing his arms in the air.

“I am the reigning champion of bowling!” he shouted amongst the boos of their friends.

“He seems normal to me. Maybe he wasn’t texting you because he’s busy kicking ass at bowling,” Rose pointed out. “He’s playing a perfect game right now.”

“No, I’m telling you. It’s not them, it’s when he’s around me when he’s being weird. Look, watch,” Shane said and called Ilya’s cell and put it on speaker. Rose tilted her head closer to listen in.

Ilya across from them stopped in his tracks.

“Sweetheart? Is everything alright?” He asked immediately.

“I miss you,” Shane whined.

“Is Rose still there with you?” Ilya asked.

“Yeah, she’s still here. We just finished eating ramen and we’re going to watch a movie. But I just miss you,” he said, his voice still carrying that whiny tone.

“Oh, my love, I’ll be home soon,” Ilya crooned and Rose gave him a look.

“See?” She whispered. “Normal Ilya.”

“Besides, you should be enjoying your time with Rose, she’s your best friend and you never get to spend time with her. Maybe you guys can go shopping together or go get drinks?” Ilya suggested gently.

“I suppose. She’s been telling me about this guy that she thinks we could have a threesome with,” Shane said, biting his lip as he made eyes with Rose who was trying not to chuckle. “I keep thinking about it and maybe we should do a threesome. I’ve never had one, we could even do it with a girl since you don’t get to have sex with women anymore.”

There was a beat of silence and Shane waited for Ilya’s jealousy to strike, or his possessiveness. Something that would show his handsome, slightly toxic, very possessive and jealous husband underneath all of the weird politeness.

“Do you want that?” Ilya asked carefully. “Because I do not miss having sex with women. But if you want to have a threesome and there is someone you trust, we can do it.”

“Well, Rose thought she would have a good time, as long as she gets to peg me,” Shane said and Rose covered her mouth to hide her giggles. “But you know, she’s someone I trust. I mean I’ve had sex with her before, it was fine.”

“Fine?” Rose mouthed and slapped him in the arm.

“Okay, okay my love. If this is something you want, we can talk about it later. I want to make sure that you’re absolutely certain you want to do this. But if you are, we can talk to Rose about it,” Ilya said. “I have to go, it’s my turn. But we will talk about this when I get home.”

“Okay, baby, I love you,” Shane said and Ilya rushed out his own love you before hanging up.

“Do you see what I mean?” Shane demanded, slipping his phone in his pocket. “That’s not my husband, he would never share me with anyone! Especially not you!”

“Look,” Rose said, slapping his arm again.

“Quit hitting me!” Shane hissed and looked over where Ilya looked like he was dying. It wasn’t his turn and he was sitting slumped in his chair, glaring at the pins like they personally offended him.

“Tell him you were joking! He’s so sad Shane, we can’t let him be sad like this,” Rose whined.

“Why would he agree?” Shane whispered, resting against the video game closest to them. “He wouldn’t ever agree, why is he being so weird?”

“I don’t know, but I think you need to ask him about it,” Rose said. Shane huffed and sent Ilya a text, telling him he thought about it and the idea of sharing Ilya with anyone made him sick to his stomach. He watched Ilya read the message and a smile slowly build on his face before slipping his phone back in his pocket.

Shane huffed out a sigh of relief. At least he could see that Ilya wasn’t super into the idea.

“Okay, I’m just going to talk to him. Something’s wrong and now I’m extra sure of it,” Shane said.

“Yeah, Ilya would have cussed me out and sent me at least twenty threatening messages by now if he was being normal, annoying Ilya,” Rose said with a sigh.

“Let’s get out of here. We need to game plan how I’m going to talk to this asshole.”

+1

Shane walked into their shared bedroom where Ilya was already laying, reading some philosophy book. He looked adorable, his hair pulled into a tiny bun on the top of his head, brow furrowed as he read, the soft yellow light of his bedside table splayed across his features making him look so soft and pretty.

“Who are you reading tonight?” he asked, climbing into bed and cuddling up to his husband.

“Nikolai Berdyaev,” Ilya said, glancing up from his book to smile at Shane. “He is Russian philospher. He was a teacher, and was big voice aganst the Soviet government. He loved his country but his country did not love him, I think. I understand that, you know?”

“What’s the book about?” Shane asked as he looked over Ilya’s shoulder at the Cyrillic.

“Russian Idea, focuses on artists and thinkers who struggled to integrate. Talks about the Russian soul and how it is immense and ah boundless? Very all or nothing culture. Is very good commentary on what it is like being Russian,” Ilya told him quietly as Shane rested his head on Ilya’s shoulder and the man started running his fingers through Shane’s hair.

“I think you could be a good philosopher. You could write a book on what it’s like to love your country and not be loved back,” Shane whispered.

“Yes, probably. But I am not good writer,” Ilya said quietly. “Too many thoughts that I cannot organize.”

“Maybe we can try one day, maybe we can do a joint autobiography about ourselves from the beginning to now,” Shane said and Ilya chuckled.

“Ah yes, traumatized Russian with play boy attitude and golden boy Canadian who is secretly an angry ball of fury,” he said with a laugh and Shane started giggling.

“Don’t even get me started on the angry ball of fury,” he said quietly. “Those have always just been thoughts for you. Like talking about what it’s like being an Asian man in Hockey, or how they paired me with a Russian with a strong accent so that people would be more accepting of the Asian kid because they’re too focused on the evil Russian, more palatable.”

“I forgot about that one,” Ilya said. “The more I think about it, the more I think you are right. They used me to make you more palatable and now neither of us are palatable.”

“Who cares what other people think, I think we’re perfect,” Shane said and Ilya let out a sigh.

“I think that you are perfect. Everyone does, but I do not think anyone thinks that about me,” Ilya said quietly. “I definitely do not think people think I am palatable.”

“Who cares?”

“I do,” Ilya said quietly.

Shane sat up, surprised. “What?”

“I know what people say about me, Shane. I know that everyone wonders why I would ever be with you. Why would you ever love a slut like me? A manwhore,” he spat out, as if the word was venom. “Violent, rude, wast of space. Someone who destroyed your career. You are everything I am not and I have ruined your life because of it. People have made me very aware that I am not good for you.”

“What have they said?” Shane whispered.

“Everything, lyubimiy. That I am abusive, bad friend, rude, a slut or too horny. That I have ruined you. It is a lot.”

“Ilya, none of that is true,” Shane said, moving Ilya’s book and setting it to the side. He crawled on top of Ilya’s lap, his knees bracketing either side of Ilya’s hip. “You are everything to me. You’re not abusive, you’re like the complete opposite of abusive and I know you’d never hurt me. You aren’t a bad friend, Marley and Sveta and our team all adore you. Rose thinks you’re amazing and I think she wants to replace me with you half the time. I don’t think you’re rude, neither do our friends, we all think you’re funny. You definitely aren’t a slut or too horny, you’re the only person I know that can keep up with me sexually. And you certainly haven’t ruined me, Ilyushka. You are everything to me, you have made me become a better man, you make me brave, you make me confident, you make me feel like I can do anything in the world. Baby, you make me feel powerful.”

Ilya was crying now, tears running down his face and Shane didn’t even know if his husband knew he was crying.

"And it isn't just that, they think that I am dumb! That I am too dumb for you. Do you have any idea how smart I am in Russian? I am smart, Shane! Is just English! English makes no sense with weird rules and letters that my mouth can't make and--"

"Baby, baby," Shane interrupted. "I know you're smart. Hell, you're way smarter than I am. I'm just a hockey bro who knows way too much about hockey. But you know so much about everything else, you know about Russian philosophers, and literature. You're the one who teaches me something new every day and you're a good teacher! You've been teaching me Russian. And I know that you're secretly learning French and Japanese in your spare time when you're not reading some giant book by some random theorist of thinker or whatever. You're scarily perceptive and I love it, I see you, Ilya. I see how smart you are and I know that you're smart in both Russian and English."

Shane looked his husband over for a moment, taking in his tears and tired eyes. He ran his thumb along Ilya's cheek and cupped his face.

“Is that why you have been acting so weird lately?” Shane asked, pulling Ilya’s hair out of its bun so that he could run fingers through his hair.

“Weird?”

Shane gave him a soft smile. “You know what I’m talking about, Baby. Not chirping our friends, not being clingy when we’re out with friends, not teasing me or trying to get a rise out of me, not letting me make out with you on a dance floor. You’ve been weird, baby. I thought maybe it was your medicine but now I’m wondering if it’s something else.”

Ilya swallowed. “I just want to show people that I am someone who deserves you.”

Shane sighed and ran his thumbs under Ilya’s eyes, wiping away the tears.

“That isn’t for anyone to decide but me,” he said. “And I think you deserve me and so much more in the world. You deserve everything good in the world and I deserve you, someone who loves me and makes me feel powerful and beautiful and loved. You see every single part of me and you love me so much. Just like I see every part of you and I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” Ilya said quietly. “I just need—I don’t know. Maybe it does not matter. It is just hard hearing Pike ask you if you’re sure you couldn’t find someone better, or hearing people ask if you are safe with me. Hunter calls me asshole but I am more than asshole, I heard him ask you if you were sure I was a good person to be with. I know that people worry and I know your mother was worried that I would ruin your image. I do not want that. I want to be good for you.”

Shane was angry now. Not at Ilya, never at his darling, beloved, Ilya. But at everyone else. At everyone who could not see the wonderful and amazing man that Ilya was. He understood why Ilya was desperate to show people as deserving of Shane but their opinions didn’t matter and they didn’t get to decide that. He was going to set things right. He already had a plan to set things right and now he was even more sure of it. He was going to make sure everyone understood just how amazing Ilya was without his husband trying to change himself to make others feel comfortable.

“None of their opinions matter to me and they shouldn’t matter to you either. You are good for me. I like that you’re clingy, I like how you look at me like you want to eat me no matter where we’re at. I like that you tease me and keep me on my toes, you’re my asshole and it’s one of the reasons I fell in love with you and why I am still falling more and more in love with you every day. You are mine, Ilya Rozanov and you make me better and no one can change that.”

Ilya was truly crying now, his forehead resting on Shane’s shoulder.

“You will never need to change yourself for me. I’ve been stressed and miserable for weeks now because I thought you didn’t love me anymore because you were being so weird,” Shane said with a soft laugh, running his finger through blond curls.

“Never, I will never not love you,” Ilya whispered. “You are it for me, Shane Hollander.”

“And you’re it for me. Quit listening to assholes and if you’re ever worried, you ask me. Understand?”

Ilya nodded silently.

“Now, never do this again. I need you to go back to randomly fucking me in our house and being clingy in public. And for the love of god, stop being nice to Hayden and Hunter, that was so fucking weird. And if you’re going out with friends or I’m going out with friends, I expect needy, clingy texts where you’re telling me how much you miss me and how much you want to fuck me when you get home. You’re going to drink vodka with me at bars and dance with me. And for the love of god, we are never having a threesome with Rose, what the fuck was that about?”

“I was thinking, you know, be supportive of what you want. Do not dismiss your desires just because I do not like them.”

“Absolutely not, never again. I want all of your opinions, especially when you think I’m being stupid. Or tell you shit like I want to have a threesome with Rose of all people. Absolutely not. I want my normal Ilya back.”

Ilya nodded and lifted his head. He gave Shane a small smile as he cupped Shane’s face and kissed him softly.

“I can do that.”

“Good,” Shane said and kissed him softly. “Now, fuck me like I’ve been begging for you to fuck me.”

Ilya tilted his head back and let out a loud laugh before he set his book on the nightstand and flipped them over so that Shane was underneath him.

“Shane Hollander, I am going to fuck you so hard you won’t be able to skate in practice tomorrow,” Ilya declared.

Shane’s toes curled at the very idea.

“There’s my boy,” he purred as he pulled Ilya down for another, hungry kiss. He was going to show the world just how amazing Ilya was. But first, he needed to make sure Ilya knew how amazing Ilya was.