Chapter Text
It was a strike through his “body.” It was pain.
Yes. Pain. The most adjacent to emotion Kaylon were meant to feel. Isaac had always pondered over that part of his species’ past. He was aware of its purpose. He was also aware that it had been that pathway that had caused him to feel, if only for a short while due to its extremely weakened state. ..
If a Kaylon was no longer functional, they would be deactivated, yes. However, the first Kaylon had all but terminated this feature.
The positive and negative spikes in efficiency depending on certain occurrences was all that had been preserved, as it was essential to the core of their being.
It was that part of the function that had made Isaac curious about the rest of it.
He remembered the treatment of him not very long after the Kaylon battle. He had not known what he was observing, except for that it seemed to be a negative emotion. And it had indeed been extremely interesting. Of course, the crew had eventually approached him and explained that what the others had been doing was a way to express disdain. Or as the Captain had put it:
“Hatred.”
Isaac saw ‘hatred’ as a form of caution. Similar to the caution the Kaylon had practiced in regards to biologicals.
Of course, he had reasoned from this experience that his return to the ship had been a miscalculation.
It had not.
In fact, he had made the miscalculation, they had told him. His deactivation would cause “psychological damage.” So he retained that information in his database with the rest he had learned.
Now, however, he began to reconsider the data he had collected.
What was the resulting of 'hatred' and 'fondness?'
At one point, the crew had been discussing the prospect of giving him a ‘birthday.’ He had chosen his date of reactivation after the incident – March 13th.
‘Birthdays’ traditionally involved hosting an event for the subject in question. Similar, he thought, to his farewell party from some time ago. When he had asked Commander LaMarr regarding the situation, the Commander had responded with confusion.
“What birthday?” he had said in a presumably clueless manner.
“The bridge crew had come to a conclusion that my ‘birthday’ is the thirteenth of March. Will this involve a…’party?’” Isaac asked
The Commander turned away from Isaac.
“Oh man. Huh. maybe. Y'know we’re kinda busy right now…” he said.
“I see,” Isaac had responded.
He was not at all surprised by the forgetfulness of biologicals. His reminder, he thought, should have been sufficient. Yet he was given a “maybe.” It was possible that he would not experience a ‘birthday party.’
He recalled the day he had been told of hatred. People would depart when they saw him, as though he were a threat. He was told that their actions, their words, were due to his own, although the retribution was disproportionate.
Isaac was acutely aware he had committed an extreme error. He was also aware that his subsequent defection had not completely rectified it. However, he had presumed that there was less resentment, less…hatred, directed towards him.
There were three specific occurrences that had made him believe the resolution was ‘suicide.’
Oh, we were just leaving.
That’s not enough and you know it.
It was beneficial to have learned the pain simulator’s design.
He was in need of it.
—---------------------------
“Is there a possibility that you would like to be a main crew member?”
Marcus was in need of his help and Isaac had attempted to be beneficial in that regard. It was clear his stepson had passion and he, as was to be expected, possessed above-average intelligence. So when it seemed his true predicament was determining his future, the solution seemed to be to collect data from the conversation.
His interests lay in leadership, providing aid, and exploration. Consequently…
“A commander perhaps? Or…a captain?”
Marcus had denied it. Indeed, he was not sure of his own intelligence, even as Isaac assured him of it.
“I would not lie about such a fact,”
“You don’t think you would.”
He had apologized for the comment, although Isaac was still unsure of his reasoning behind it. What was the purpose of questioning his stepfather’s efficiency?
Marcus had grown frustrated, yet Isaac had continued:
“You have extreme potential. I do not understand why you choose to ignore it. That is unwise,”
“You don’t understand,” he grumbled
“In what manner?”
“I’m…scared,” Marcus admitted quietly
Isaac paused, “I see,”
“Look, if I screw up, I don’t know what I’m going to do,”
“It is very unlikely that you will ‘screw up.’”
“Why do you keep telling me stuff like that?”
Isaac tilted his head.
“You know I’m not worth that much,”
“That is incorrect,”
“I think you’re wrong,”
“I rarely commit errors,”
“Is that what comes with being a Kaylon?”
“A simple description, but yes,”
“So you really think I’ll be good at it?”
“If you continue to be as studious as you currently are, it is extremely likely,”
“That’s it?”
“Indeed,”
“...”
“Are you alright?”
Marcus still didn’t respond.
“You are an extremely capable man. According to the data I have collected, you shall do well,”
“And if I don’t?” Marcus asked shakily.
“That is very unlikely,”
“But if?”
“That would be unfortunate,”
“What would you…think of me?”
“That one of us had miscalculated, likely you,”
“What do you mean?”
“If you were to fail, it would likely be due to an easily avoidable error on your part,”
“I know, I know I mean, what would you think about me?”
“That you had failed,”
“And would that be okay?”
“You would need to make efforts once again,”
“You’re not answering my question,”
“I do not understand,”
Marcus sighed, “What I mean is, would you think…less of me?”
“In what sense?”
“You’re not answering the question,”
“Biologicals are extremely susceptible to errors,”
“You didn’t say ‘no,’”
“I do not understand,”
“Why do you keep saying that?” Marcus stood up from his chair.
Isaac simply looked at him.
“Look, why are you encouraging me so much when I might fail?”
“Because I do not think you will,”
“I’m not like Ty, I mess up. What’s going to happen when I mess up?” he said, voice shaking.
“I see. You are jealous,”
“It’s not just…ugh!” he groaned, “I’m tired of you talking about how smart I am!”
“I am simply stating fact,”
“I know, I know that’s what you think but-”
“It is true,”
“NO IT’S NOT!” he would yell.
Isaac stepped back.
Marcus continued, “I don’t know why you think I’m so smart. But I think it’s because you have to. Because otherwise I’m not interesting enough for you. I know that, I know that. I’m trying so hard, for myself, to prove myself, including to you. Because you know what I keep freaking hoping for?”
“I do not,” Isaac responded.
“For everyone else, that I’m good enough, but for you? It’s so I can think you actually care!”
“I am extremely invested in your wellbeing,”
“That’s not the same thing! God I’m sorry, okay, but you do not know how it is to live in the same house with someone who’s supposed to, I don't know, actually feel something about you. It makes me sick, you know that? That mom and Ty love you so much and you can’t love them. I’ve been trying, trying to hope that it’s all an act, that you do feel somehow but you keep going on and on about ‘efficiency’ or whatever. Why are you making us hope for something you’ll never have? Why are you so close to us when you know how your really are!”
“You were always aware of my lack of emotions,”
“I never thought it was true! I thought that maybe I had another person who I could trust! I never had that, and for once I wanted to think that even you calling me smart was you not wanting me to be hurt, but it never will be! And I’m tired of it! I’m tired of you playing house with us when you set the rules! I saw mom before you got married, I saw Ty, I saw how sad it made them to think of you not being anything but a robot!"
“...why did you not express these sentiments to me before?”
‘Because I didn’t want to think I was right! Because I don’t want to act like the idiot I was as a kid! But I can’t stand by and watch as you give everyone false hope! They’re treating you like you’re real when you’re not! And everyone is going to put in everything for you but you can’t give us anything back, ever! Mom still cries, I’ve seen her. She still just wants to hear an actual ‘I love you,’ but it just won’t come! She's trying to accept you but how is she supposed rto! I’m sorry but I don’t get why it’s worth acting like this!”
“Your presence increases my efficiency,”
“That’s not enough, and you know it,”
“If you do not wish for me to be here,”
“No! That’s not-no…I want you here but I don’t want you to keep pretending you’re someone you a-aren’t,” he sat back down and laid his head on the table.
Isaac could hear his quiet sobs.
“I apologize for the distress I have caused,”
Marcus didn’t say anything.
“Have you felt this way for a while?”
“Y-yeah. I just…God i’m stupid it’s just so…”
“Would you like me to depart?”
Once again, no response.