Work Text:
Message Request
From: Ilya Rozanov (rozanov81)
hello rose laundry. I hear you are single now
Is that autocorrect or are you negging me?
I do not know negging
ah I see
autocorrect
sorry rose landry
I will never spell your name wrong again
anyway you are single, yes?
Ilya Rozanov shooting his shot with me is crazy
why crazy
we have a lot in common
such as: very good looking
Seriously?
I know about you and Shane
heart attack symptoms
Ilya has deleted a message
What?
nothing
someone stole my phone
what are you talking about
Oh, you think I don't know ball???
I didn't just start following hockey when I dated Shane
I've been a hockey fan all my life
I know who you are
You're Shane's biggest rival
You're trying to mess with him by hooking up with his ex
I am very competitive is true
any record hollander sets I can break
most orgasms in hour
most hours of lovemaking in night
Gross. No.
Besides, every man says shit like that
No reason to believe you can back it up
oh you need reference?
hold please
Message Request
From: Svetlana Vetrova (sveta_weather)
Ilya Rozanov is excellent fuck
Top 5 of my life
Oh my God
Is this your sock puppet account?
Did you make a new account to tell me you're good at sex
That's insane
You're an insane person
What?
I am not puppet
Is not new account, scroll through my profile
…Okay
This does look like a real account
Aw, that picture of you and Rozanov is cute! You look so young!
We are friends since childhood
I am also from Russia
When did you date?
Oh wow
Rose Landry is very funny
I never hear people mention this, only your good clothes and pretty hair
And that I'm good at acting?
And very nice body
And that I'm good at acting???
But secretly you are great comedian
Ilya and me date
Never
He is much too emotional for me
Ilya Rozanov???
The hockey player
Is too emotional
Yes
Ilya Rozanov (rozanov81)
Okay, well
Your weird Russian friend messaged me
So thank you for that
did she tell you I am amazing lover
Ew, I hate that word
But yes
She said you're in her top 5
what
is lie
svetlana is fucking liar
I am top 1
no one else can compare
Take it up with her, buddy
I'm still not sleeping with you
I'm not on the rebound
ok
Nice talking to you
what
we are done talking?
Well, I'm not letting you hit, so
ah
I see
rose landry does not talk to men unless she wants sex with them
rose landry sees men as only sex objects
Okay, that's not even close to what I said
of course I would enjoy sex with movie star rose landry
you would also enjoy
guarantee
but you assume this is only reason I message you
no
is hurtful
I just think, this woman has breakup
she needs friend to talk to
Talk shit about Shane, you mean
if this is what helps with your heartbreak
I'm not heartbroken
ah so you break up with him
I have wondered
what did perfect shane hollander do to get dumped?
was there someone else?
NO
I did not dump him
It was completely mutual
only two people say breakup is mutual
person who was dumped and is humiliated
or person who dumped and feels guilty
you are being nice about him so I think you feel guilty
Nope
you have broken shane hollander’s heart?
does he beg you to take him back?
Actual lol
Definitely not
And I'm not giving you dirt on Shane
It was mutual
We care about each other a lot
But just as friends
just as friends means you will never speak to each other again I think
Maybe when YOU say it to a woman
I'm texting with Shane rn as a matter of fact
Emotional Support Ex
Hey boo
Hi! How's the press tour?
It's good to hear from you
Did you see that we're publicly broken up?
TMZ official
I did
Sorry
Are people bugging you about it?
Mostly no
But guess who slid into my DMs
I'm not good at guessing
Ilya Rozanov
?!?!?!
What
What did he say
That he's a better lay than you
Which, to be fair…
Jesus Rose
I'm joking babe
But like
I would love to have sex with a straight man someday
I bet it's amazing
No
Not him
Not Rozanov
Please
Obviously I would never
He's your sworn enemy
I believe that falls under “bros before hoes”
Ilya Rozanov (rozanov81)
what are you saying to hollander
what does he say
I promised him I'm not going to hook up with you
Bros before hoes
shane hollander is not my bro
No WE'RE bros
Shane and me
You're the ho
wow
wow
Sveta Vetrova (sveta_weather)
What do you mean?
About Rozanov being too emotional
For me
He is the right amount emotional for someone
I love Ilya
But as friend
If you are interested you should go for it
He is secretly wonderful man
Secretly lol
High praise
I respect your wingman game
But no
Oh right
You just broke up with Shane Hollander
You are in grief period?
Like widow
Mourning period? No lol
Shane and I are happier as friends
Like you and Rozanov, I guess
Maybe I should take a break from dating
I don't know
I always end up being drawn to guys who aren't right for me
I need to figure out what the hell I'm doing
So this doesn't happen again
Maybe so
I shouldn't be telling you this
For all I know you'll call TMZ
Excuse you
I would never
You know video of Ilya drunk and crying listening to Etta James?
No!
What???
No you don't
Because I respect fucking privacy
OMG
Show meeeeeee
Never
Ilya Rozanov (rozanov81)
what kind of man do you want then
if not me
and not shane hollander
What???
Why
want to help
find you new man
That is very unnecessary
why? you like hockey players
I know a few
I'm definitely done with hockey players
But thanks anyway
not all of us are boring like hollander
or maybe that is what you like?
boring men with large muscles
was the sex also boring?
Maybe Svetlana can introduce me
to who
Someone in her top four
Emotional Support Ex
Ok but actually
Do you know any single straight guys?
I gave you Miles’s number, so
I think you owe me
Even though you never texted him
I know, I'm sorry
I might
Eventually
I have to figure some stuff out first
Plus, Miles would probably rather date someone who's not closeted
And constantly on the road
If you're in the closet and on the road, does that mean you're in the suitcase?
Ha ha
I keep telling you
When you type it out like that it sounds sarcastic
That time I wanted it to sound sarcastic
Svetlana Vetrova (sveta_weather)
Ilya is mad at me
Something about my top four?
And blocking his cock?
Lol
I told him I would ask you for an introduction
So no break from dating?
To one of the four guys
Who are better in bed than him
Rose Landry, comedian
There are no such guys
Ilya is best man I have ever fucked
Why did you say top five, then?
Top five all time
Not top five men
Oh
So the other four are
…Did you fall asleep?
Yes
Other four are women
Still want their numbers?
No, sorry, I got distracted
No thank you
Sadly, I am heterosexual
My condolences
Lol
Is it really that much better?
Mm sometimes
I have had bad sex with women too
But sometimes… yes
What is best sex you ever had?
Was Shane Hollander good?
Leaving me on read counts as answer
Ilya Rozanov (rozanov81)
you are back in la?
shooting in montreal over?
Sorry, I’m not looking for a new stalker
Tbh I have more than I need already
is this joke?
do you have real stalkers
I have game in la next week
was going to say we go clubbing
but I can kill stalkers first
should not take long
What???
No
my father was police
brother too
I know about how murderers get caught
can avoid making these mistakes
For legal reasons please say psych
what
I put that in google translate
still makes no sense
Rozanov
I know you’re joking
but you can’t say you’re going to commit a crime in instagram DMs
ah
of course I am joking
my good friend rose landry understands me so well
Lucky for you
Anyway I haven’t had a scary stalker for a while
Just the usual weirdos
Who obsess over my every move
And take my picture through the window at the dentist
Extremely annoying but not dangerous
that sounds horrible
I am sorry
It’s all part of the job
Emotional Support Ex
Would you hate me
If I said
I think
Ilya Rozanov
What
Oh my God
Please don’t
Might secretly be
… nice???
Fuck off
Why would you say that
Like, he might actually be a decent guy
I made some comment about my stalkers
And he immediately offered to kill them
For legal reasons, he was joking
Joking about murder makes him nice?
Wait, why are you joking with Ilya to begin with
Shane deleted a message
Wait, why are you joking with Rozanov to begin with
Work Wife
ummm omg?
ROSE?
Miles?
Rosabella Christinabeth Landry
That’s so far from being my real name
those pics
of you and Ilya Rozanov?
first of all BITCH
you went clubbing without me?
I thought you were shooting out of town!
I am out of town but it’s called MANNERS
second of all
ANOTHER hockey player?
are you collecting them like fucking pokemon?
Lol absolutely not
I am not hooking up with Rozanov
Shane hates him and I promised
But I do think we’re like
Weirdly friends now???
He wanted to wingman me lol
yeah I bet a lot of guys gave you their number
standing next to a dude who looks like THAT
and could also kill them with his bare thighs
I believe the saying is “with his bare hands”
God forbid a woman (me) have hobbies
Emotional Support Ex
I saw the pictures
I told you babe
I know what you told me
I still hate them
I think he did it on purpose
Because he knew I would hate them
I am holding your hand so gently when I say this
Shane
I think it’s possible
That Ilya Rozanov is less obsessed with your rivalry than you are
I think he might, on occasion, do things
Without thinking about how they will look to you
Yeah. You’re right
Fuck, I’m an idiot
Shane???
Svetlana Vetrova (sveta_weather)
You look stunning
What?
In the pictures with Ilya
That sheer white dress
Most girls would wear white bra under
Blue was bold choice
So pretty with your hair
Thank you!
That’s so sweet
Ilya says he is on mission to find you new man
Did it work?
Lol
Not really
I am sure many men wanted to take you home
Or to bathroom with large stall
Whatever
Lolololol
I don’t know
No one caught my eye, I guess
What about Ilya?
You look hot dancing together
I know he acts like fuckboy
But he has very loving heart
He could be good boyfriend for the right person
You could be good for him
No
I see what you mean, he's a sweet guy
It was fun to hang out with him
Surprisingly fun
But there's no chemistry there
I've done “good guy with no chemistry” before
Like, way too much actually
Why?
What?
Why do you do this?
You are Rose fucking Landry
Beautiful, talented, rich, sexy
Surely you have choice of any man you want
You do not need to settle
Damn
I don't know
Lol
Maybe I've never been sure what I want
You deserve amazing chemistry
Amazing sex
Can I ask you a question that's none of my business?
Of course
But Ilya will be happy to measure if you ask
What???
NO
Absolutely not
Then what is question?
What makes Ilya better at sex than other guys?
And, I guess, why are girls better?
Basically like… what makes sex good?
Rose deleted a message
You must appreciate how trustworthy I am
Because now I know for sure that Shane Hollander is terrible fuck
And I will never tell Ilya
Even though this would bring him so much joy
God, please don't. Shane would never forgive me
And I don't think he's bad
It's just
Like I said, we had no chemistry
I kept trying to make it work
But I don't think I even know what it feels like when it's good
Rose deleted a message
Rose deleted a message
Sorry, this is stupid
Not stupid
Men are stupid
I am sorry that Shane Hollander did not treat you like you deserve
How should he have treated me?
Here is what I think
Most men do not like to fuck
They want to fuck
They beg to fuck
But as soon as you are fucking, they want it to be over
Men do not like to fuck, they like to come
Damn
I think you're right
As soon as they come, no more fucking
Ilya loves to fuck
He would rather fuck and not come than come and not fuck
Different from most men
What about women?
Not every woman loves to fuck
You do, though
Yes
And I love women who love to fuck
I love when we can just have fun
Try things
Take our time
Like driving a Ferrari
What???
Most men fuck like they are driving a Ferrari to the grocery store
Like errand to check off
Instead of enjoying being in the car
Feeling how it handles
How fast it can go
The sounds of the engine
I don't think I've ever done that
It sounds wonderful, though
With a guy, I mean
Of course
Emotional Support Ex
Hey, so
Weird question
How did you know you were gay?
You told me
Remember?
Do you have amnesia?
What year is it?
Really???
I'm asking a serious question
You choose this moment to develop a sense of humor???
…
How serious?
I DON'T KNOW
Please just answer the question
I did!
It was when you broke up with me
I mean, obviously I knew I wasn't straight
On some level
But I didn't really admit it until then
Ok but
You had sex with men
How did you know you wanted to have sex with men?
Well
I met this man
And I wanted to have sex with him
Shaaaaaane
I don't know!
It just hit me
Honestly, I might not have even known then
But he knew
He saw it
Enough to make a move at least
And I knew enough to say yes
That's actually cute
Not really
It was stupid
Not being gay, but being with him
Ohhh wait
This is the guy you broke up with?
Right before we dated?
He was your gay awakening?
Yeah
So it was recently?
No
Well, the breakup was recent
Not breakup
Because we never actually dated
But we stopped seeing each other recently
But how long did you not-date???
I don't know
Like
Six years
OMG
Shane
That's a long time, babe
I know
That's why you haven't texted Miles
Maybe
Yeah
I guess so
You're not over your six-year gay awakening situationship
Fuck off
How about we don't call it that
Wait
I have a better idea
Tell me why you're asking about gay awakenings
Gotta go
My mom is calling
How can an actress be a terrible liar?
Svetlana Vetrova (sveta_weather)
Does Rozanov know?
That he is good in bed?
Tragically yes
Is reason he is so annoying
Not only reason, you understand
Lol
I mean about you
He also knows I am good in bed
Svetlana!
You are doing this on purpose!
Does he know you like girls???
Is he cool with it
You can call me Sveta if you want
Yes, Ilya knows
Sometimes we pick up girls together
Sometimes we pick up girls “together” and then he remembers important plans elsewhere
He is very considerate
I guess I shouldn't be surprised anymore, huh
Is that like… ethical though?
We are not doing bait and switch
Just, sometimes it is safer for Ilya Rozanov to leave with two women
Than for two women to leave together
Oh
That makes sense
You mean in Russia?
Sometimes in Russia, sometimes here
I am not famous but my father is, a little
Some people might care if I was seen with a woman
Wait
Vetrova
Your dad
Sveta! Is your dad Sergei Vetrov???
Ilya Rozanov (rozanov81)
Hey
Do you still want to wingman me?
yes!
we must find you amazing man
who is not shane hollander
Someday I'm going to arrange for you two to hang out
When it's not hockey related
And you're actually going to love each other
I swear
do not forget to breathe
What?
english idiom
like, this will never happen
so do not forget to breathe while you wait
Ohhh
It's “don't hold your breath”
ok
Anyway
I am maybe possibly into a friend of yours?
And wondering if you can like… help
of course!
which friend? on bears?
not marleau I hope
his stamina is not good
How on earth would you possibly know that???
we won cup in 2014, remember?
then partied three days straight
And on which of those days did you have unsatisfactory sex with Cliff Marleau???
he fucking wishes
we had threesome
kind of
more like he started something he could not finish
so I finished for him
twice
Wow
And you chose to burden me with this knowledge
yes
my good friend rose landry
what is mine is yours
You know what's funny
Sveta thinks you're ready to put aside your whorish ways
For the love of a good woman
sveta?
sveta says this?
sveta can be very perceptive
this is among many things we have in common
you have been talking to sveta a lot, yes?
Never mind
so about me being wingman
I SAID GOOD DAY
no you didn't?
Work Wife
I miss youuuu
I literally HATE this director
Ughhj
So sorry babe
the worst part is being on location with all these straight men
I cannot get laid
I cannot go dancing
I can't even be a bitch because THEY DON'T NOTICE
I am always here for your bitchery!
please tell me about whatever hockey player you are currently straddling
I need a distraction or I will perish
Lol
So actually
About that
I'M SEATED
Have you ever thought that maybe
I hang out with so many gay men
Because they like… remind me of something?
About myself? That I wasn't ready to look at before?
oh damn
oh shit
this is THAT conversation huh
the egg finally cracked?
The what???
bb
if you are a man
I will love you and support you and spit in the drinks of anyone who stands in your way
and you will be the HOTTEST fucking twink
Wait
No
but I will not date you
because I have seen you shoot barf out of your nose after too many tequila shots
Hey remember when I said I would kill you if you ever mentioned that?
Also
No!!!
I am not trans
I am not a gay man
I am still a girl
And I maybe want to have sex with a girl
ohhh
my bad
totally called that wrong
thought I clocked you but I was reading the clock upside down
How long have you been waiting for me to come out as a dude???
it's funny cause MLM upside down is WLW
I'm bad at math
what year did we meet?
Emotional Support Ex
Miles is bored and miserable
Absolutely no pressure
But if you wanted to text him, now would be a great time
I'm really sorry
I don't think I'm going to text him
You didn't tell him I would, did you?
No!!!
Babe
I would never ever out you
I know
Thank you
I would never out you either, by the way
I don't know what you're talking about
Of course not
Anyway
I might be talking to that guy again?
Your six-year gay awakening situationship???
What's his name?
I am not telling you
Even if you keep typing all that out every time I mention him
Don't tempt me, I'll fucking do it
He better be nice to you this time
He is
He always has been, I think
So much nicer than anyone else sees
Oh you're WHIPPED
Fuck off, I'm not
He usually just uses his hand
Fucking??? Excuse me???
Svetlana Vetrova (sveta_weather)
I think you missed your shot
What?
I did?
What shot?
With Ilya
Oh
Lol
I did not have or want a shot with him
But thanks for the heads up I guess
Wait, why?
He has this on and off thing
Several years now
They were off for many months, I thought maybe over for real this time
But now he is back making heart eyes at his phone
Lying in my face about it like I cannot see him
They are back on
Ooh, tell me more!
Who is this girl?
I do not know
He will not tell me any details
This is how I know it is a special relationship
He wants to keep his love for himself
That's so sweet
Ilya Rozanov is actually so baby
I showed him that message and his face turned very red
TAKE A PICTURE
Ilya Rozanov (rozanov81)
hey
leave me out of your flirting
you can make sveta laugh without making me the butt
The butt?
Oh, the butt of the joke
You kinda have to say the whole phrase or it doesn't make sense
ok
She says you have a girlfriend!!!
she is fucking liar
I have told you this
Tell me about her!
no
leave me alone
send sveta titty pic so she leaves me alone too
What???
No
Do you think she would like that?
oh my god you are both so boring
please fuck
I will buy you plane ticket to Boston
I can afford a plane ticket!
ok
so
Look
Ilya
Do not be a dick about this
Can you please promise???
I am in good mood so
maybe
I've never had sex with a woman
And Svetlana is experienced
I think she flirts with me, but
I'm so scared I'm going to embarrass myself
why does this sound so familiar
just tell her
you think you will turn her off?
beautiful woman saying I want you so bad, please teach me exactly how to fuck you?
you think sveta will not like this?
please
stop worrying
you like each other
you do not have to impress her
Wow
That's actually super helpful
Thank you
you ask for my advice then get surprised when it is good?
What if I told Shane what a sweetheart you really are
he would not believe you
no one will ever believe you
Svetlana Vetrova (sveta_weather)
[Image attached]
Do you like this shirt?
What shirt?
There is no shirt in this picture
Only cleavage
I like the cleavage though
Lol
Scroll down!
There's a shirt below the cleavage
Mm
Barely
More like a ribbon, I think
You don't like it?
You said I looked pretty in blue
You do
So pretty
You picked out this pretty ribbon for me?
Tied around your lovely body like present wrapping?
Maybe
I want to untie it
You do?
Would you let me?
Yes
Of course
Sveta
I'd let you do a lot of things
Pretty Rose
Tell me all of them
Please
Lol
I don't know where to start
You know I've never done this before, right?
With a woman
I know
It's okay
It's good
We are not driving to the grocery store, remember
You do not need to know directions
Okay
I remember
Ilya says I should come to Boston
You should
Bring that shirt
Bring maybe extra shirts
This one looks like it will tear very easily
Sveta!!!
I will
Send me more pictures
Are you still with Ilya?
He is completely distracted
Looking at his phone with tongue hanging out
He will not notice
Okay
[Image attached]
[Image attached]
[Image attached]
Rose
Please get here fast
Emotional Support Ex
Did you go clubbing with Rozanov again?
Yes!!!
With him and Svetlana
Mostly Svetlana
Ilya was at the table staring at his phone all night
Fur secret reasons
I'm not allowed to tell
Are you still drunk?
Maybe a little!
Wait
How do you know?
Who got pictures?
You texted me a selfie at 2am
I just woke up and saw it
Have you slept at all?
Mmmmmaaaaayyyybbee
Hey Steve
You're my best friend probably
Steve?
Oh no!!!
Autocorrect
SHANE HOLLANDER YOU AT MY BEST FRIENDS
DO NOT BE MAY AT ME
Why would I be mad at you?
I had sex with someone who had sex with Ilya Rozanov
Do you still love me?
Someone else?
With Sveta
She's so pretty and funny and sweet
And she's a Ferrari
And I'm a Ferrari
And we did NOT go to the grocery store
Wait
Someone else???
What does that mean
Someone else of what???
Incoming phone call: Emotional Support Ex
Call ended (53:50)
I love you
Even though you stole like ALL of my gay awakening thunder
I love you too
You're my favorite gay ex-girlfriend
Tell Sveta I can't wait to meet her