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“There’s just simply no way that Batman doesn’t have any powers!”
Dick turned his head towards the monitor room. He’d been wandering the Watchtower for almost two hours while on call, and this seemed like a great way to kill some time.
He poked his head into the room. “What’re you guys talking about?”
Flash and Green Lantern both jumped unsettlingly high for two superheroes who were supposed to be on alert.
“Jesus, Nightwing!” Hal exclaimed. “You almost gave me a heart attack! Hasn’t anyone ever told you not to sneak up on people?”
Dick raised his eyebrows. “No,” he said plainly. “It’s, y’know, a bit of a useful skill for a vigilante.”
“Hal’s trying to convince me that Batman has some kind of hidden meta ability,” Barry explained quickly, probably noticing Hal narrowing his eyes at Dick’s sarcasm.
Hal rolled his eyes at Barry’s words. “I didn’t say hidden, I just think that he’s got to have something giving him some extra juice.”
That was a funny way of putting it. “You think he’s doping?”
“No! I don’t know, I just don’t believe he’s just some guy.” Hal shook his head. “There’s no way I could do half the stuff he does without my ring.”
Dick figured half was probably more than generous, but figured he didn’t need to verbalize that particular opinion.
“But Batman was the one who wrote all of those bylaws about internal disclosure of abilities,” Barry countered. “You really think he would break his own rules so blatantly?”
Yeah, Dick could work with this nonsense. It certainly beat staring at mission reports that he’d already read a thousand times.
“Why don’t I help settle the debate,” he offered. “As a neutral party and all that. How did you even start talking about this?”
Barry smiled a little too wide. “Yeah, Hal, why are you so convinced he’s a meta?”
Hal winced. “So yesterday we had a training session and I may have asked—”
“—he means goaded—”
“—Batman into a sparring match.”
Dick couldn’t help but laugh this time. “You think he has powers because he beat you in a spar? There’s no way that yesterday was the first time that that’s ever happened.”
“Hal’s actually never beaten him fully,” Barry chimed in. “They’ve drawn a few times though.” He nudged Hal with his elbow.
“Barry thinks I’m just a sore loser, but it's not that,” Hal said defensively. “I just think that it’s not a coincidence that Spooky is so secretive about his life and so protective of Gotham. You know I haven’t so much as flown over the city in years because of him?”
Oh, Dick was having fun now. He knew Hal had a bit of a reputation for wild, unfounded conclusions but hearing the rumours was nothing like witnessing it in person.
“I’m not sure I’m following the logic there Hal,” Dick said, hoping to get him to keep going.
Hal took the bait. “He’s just so paranoid, right, and I think that he’s keeping his powers a secret because he doesn’t want us to be able to use it against him.”
It was funny how weirdly close to the truth Hal was. Hell, the reason Dick was even able to be a part of this conversation was that Bruce’s paranoia had kept their relationship to one another completely secret. Secret meta powers may have been a step too far, but at least his logic wasn’t fully nonsense.
“He’s just guessing,” Barry said. “He’s fixated on being right even though he doesn’t have any evidence.”
“So what’s your take then?” Dick asked.
“I’m not denying that he’s a secretive guy, but I really don’t think that Batman would do something as big as this.” Barry raised his hands. “Like, obviously it would make sense for him to have powers, but it feels like it would be like, a tactical disadvantage to not tell us.”
Now that was a fun thought experiment. Bruce’s reflexive secrecy versus his innate need to maximize his potential for success.
“That’s a fair point,” Dick agreed. “And it’s not like you can’t keep a secret identity while the League knows you’ve got powers. Barry might’ve folded immediately, but Batman would probably be able to keep everything locked down.”
“I wasn’t that bad at keeping a secret identity was I?” Barry whispered to Hal.
Hal smirked. “You introduced yourself using your full name at the first meeting.”
“Oh please, like you were any better—”
“I think we’re getting off topic,” Dick cut in. “You were talking about Batman not having powers.”
“Right, right,” Barry shook his head like he was collecting his thoughts. “Hal is acting like we don’t know any baseline heroes. I mean, you don’t have any powers, right Nightwing?”
“Nope.”
“So it really shouldn’t be so impossible for Batman to not be a meta. Hell, Ollie’s a founding member too and you’ve never questioned his abilities!”
“Okay, well hold on,” Hal said. “We both know that comparing Batman to anyone else is pointless. And no offence to Oliver, but he’s not exactly one to hold his cards close to his chest.”
Dick laughed. “Okay Hal, do you have any actual evidence to share with the class? What do you even think his powers are?”
Hal grinned. “You know how Batman has never been seen in Gotham during the day?”
“Sure…”
“And how he like, lives in the shadows?”
Dick had a feeling he was going to love where this was going.
“I think he draws his power from the moon.” Hal finished confidently.
It took so much of Dick’s willpower to keep a straight face that he was half surprised that Hal’s ring didn’t come flying over to him.
After a beat of silence, Barry shot Hal a stunned look. “Hal, what the actual fuck are you talking about?”
Hal seemed to realize that he was losing the room. “Like how Supes is like, solar-powered or whatever,” he explained, confidence clearly waning .
It was so absurd, Dick was at a loss for words. It only lasted for a moment though, because Hal’s insanity had given him an idea.
Barry was still looking at Hal like he had three heads.
“Wait,” Dick said, drawing together his best look of sudden realization. “Maybe Hal’s idea isn’t totally crazy.”
“Ha!” Hal yelled. “I win!”
Barry frowned. “Wait, what?”
“Oh no, Hal, you’re still way off,” Dick clarified. “But you guys know how Blüdhaven is so close to Gotham, right?”
They nodded.
“Well, a few weeks ago I was chasing a lead when I came across Batman. He did his typical ‘get out of Gotham’ thing, but I could tell something was off.”
Dick was enjoying himself way too much. He could tell that he had their full interest. Sure, Bruce was probably going to kill him, but at least he’d go out laughing.
“And you mentioning the moon,” he continued, “Just reminded me that his cowl had been glistening this weird reddish sheen—but just around the mouth. Plus, like you said, the way that he avoids the sun… and the fact that he’s so secretive… maybe this sounds crazy too, but it almost feels like Batman is a…” Dick paused, feigning uncertainty. He relished in the wide-eyed faces staring at him in rapt attention. “Vampire.”
“Oh my god,” Barry whispered. “Batman is a vampire.”
Hal was wide-eyed in shock. “That makes so much sense.”
“He hasn’t disclosed because he needs to hide his blood-drinking,” Barry said sagely, like someone who was finally seeing the forest for the trees.
Hal and Barry made eye contact and Dick slowly started moving back towards the door.
“Where do you think he gets blood?” Hal asked.
“You don’t think he kills people do you?” Barry shot back.
“What about those missions to other planets—”
“—different suns, probably. Do you think he can turn into a bat?”
“Of course, where else could the name have come from?”
As their conversation devolved into more and more unhinged theorizing, Dick made his escape. Sure enough, his shift was over, and he was free to head back to Blüd.
There was no doubt that he would have to pay for this all later, but he didn’t regret it for one second. And besides, was it really his fault that two founding members of the Justice League were more gullible than a couple of toddlers? Maybe Bruce would use this as a learning opportunity.
Dick was still laughing to himself as he keyed his access code into the zeta. There was truly no better way to kill time than to spread a little misinformation.