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I am sitting at my desk writing in my journal, a habit I kept up with long after leaving therapy. I always find it soothing to get the words out of my head onto some paper. At this point I’ve lost count of the number of notebooks I have finished. The completed ones are living on a shelf in my bookcase. I realise my thoughts have drifted and resume writing
“The Easter holidays at university are always difficult, as I have to go back home and be with my parents again. The upside is that Nick is literally a 10 minute walk away like old times, which we will absolutely take advantage of during the next couple of weeks.
When Nick first decided he was going to go to Leeds and I found out how far away it was, I was really worried. Would we cope with the distance after being so close to each other for the entirety of our relationship? But here we are in Nick's final year of university, and we made it! Against all the odds and a lot of people saying that “School relationships never last”, Nick and I stuck together and formed an even deeper bond. I can’t believe I’m in my final year of uni, Nick and I have already started talking about how we could live together next year once I find a job-”
I get distracted from my writing by a shuffling noise outside my door. The shuffling of feet specifically. My parents are out doing food shopping, and I know it can’t be Tori as 1) she simply appears through older sister magic and 2) she’s currently in Edinburgh. I almost get up out of my seat to see what the noise is, but I suddenly remember how I used to wait outside Tori’s door if I wanted to talk to her about something, working up the courage, and so I decide to wait patiently. I assume it must be Olly so I pretend to continue writing so it’s not obvious when he comes in that I had heard him outside. I start to hear parts of whispered sentences.
“Just do it, you know he’ll be okay with it,” Someone says, whispering quietly in the sense it was only intended for the person next to them.
“I know, I'm just nervous, what if he’s not?” Olly whispers just as quietly back.
“I’ll be here, don’t worry,” The mysterious voice whispers once again.
I hear a few more whispers and shuffles before finally a knock on my closed door rings out.
“Yeah, Oll?” I try to say as casually as possible, looking up from my pretend writing. Olly opens the door slightly, standing on the threshold.
“How did you know it was me?” Olly says nervously.
“Mum and dad are out at Tesco, so assuming our house isn’t suddenly haunted, I guessed it was you,” I say, looking up at him with a gentle smile.
“Can I talk to you about something?” He asks, eyes fixated on the ground.
“Come, sit,” I say, gesturing over to my bed. We both sit down but a silence follows like Olly is re-evaluating whether this was a good idea or not. “What’s on your mind, Oll?” I say as gently as possible, trying to push Olly into whatever it is he clearly wants to get off his chest.
“When did you realise you liked boys?” He says quietly, like if he doesn’t say it loud enough the universe won’t hear him and be upset.
Ahh okay I suspect I know where this might be going, I think to myself. “I think, in a way, in the back of my mind, I always knew, but when me and Nick started dating, that cemented it in my mind for certain,” I said, putting my hand gently on his knee.
“I think…” He starts, his confidence drifting mid sentence. “I think I might like a boy.” He says quickly, looking up at me for the first time since this conversation began. I see the tears pooling behind his eyes, threatening to fall.
“That’s really cool!” I try to say as enthusiastically as possible while still sounding sincere. I put my arm round his shoulders, pulling him in until he leans on me. I feel Olly take a deep breath, like he had been metaphorically holding it until he knew my answer. “Does this boy know you like him?” I ask, gently stroking my thumb on his shoulder.
“...Yeah…he does” Olly says, trying to subtly wipe away the tears dripping down his cheeks.
“That’s very brave of you, sometimes people never tell the other person that they have feelings for them,” I say.
“You told Nick you liked him,” Olly says. “I was trying to be like you.”
Now it’s my turn to subtly wipe a tear from my face so Olly didn’t notice the happy tears that are slowly falling down my cheeks.
“What did he say when you told him?” I asked, bracing for the worst answer, hoping for the best.
“He’s my best friend, so I was really worried about telling him…” Olly starts and takes a deep breath. “But he told me he liked me too.”
“I’m so happy to hear that, Oll!” I say, affectionately squeezing his shoulder. I let the silence hang in the air, giving Olly the opportunity if he wants to say anything else.
“You know when I texted you saying I went to the cinema with my friend Alfie? A few weeks ago?” He asks, pulling away from the embrace and looking directly at me.
“I remember,” I say. Olly and I often text a lot when I am away at uni.
“That was our first proper date,” He says, so excitedly.
“Did you have fun?” I ask.
“It was great!! We even held hands,” Olly says, a cheeky smile across his face. “I’m really happy you’re okay with it.”
“Why on earth would I not be okay with it, you silly billy?” I joke with him.
“That’s what Alfie said too!” He says with a giggle.
“Is that who was whispering encouraging things to you outside?” I ask, smiling at him.
“You heard us?” He asks, his eyebrows suddenly raised. “Why didn’t you say anything?”
“I wanted you to have the opportunity to tell me in your own words, rather than assume,” I say. He wraps his arms around in a hug and I hold him tightly.
“Well, he might as well stop loitering outside then,” Olly chuckles. “Alfie! Come in!” He shouts out to the hallway. The door clicks open and a brown haired boy gingerly shuffles until he is standing in my door frame.
“Oh my god, this Alfie!” I say, recognising the boy’s face immediately from my days at Truham, “How is the Pride Club going? I hope you’re taking good care of it.”
“Yes, it’s going really well,” Alfie says tentatively, nervously playing with his fingers. Olly walks over to him from the bed, taking one of his hands to stop the anxious fidgeting.
“You know my brother Charlie?” Olly asks.
“Well, I'm surprised he remembers me! But I was one of the first people to attend the Pride Club at Truham.” He says, looking across at Olly.
“I guess I just never put those two bits together,” Olly giggles.
There is a hesitance as they stand in my door frame, like Olly wants to say one final thing.
“Don’t tell mum and dad, will you?” He asks nervously.
“My lips are sealed,” I say, miming zipping my lips shut and throwing away the key.
“You’re the best big brother,” Olly giggles with a big smile on his face, as they both walk out pulling the door shut behind them.
As I hear footsteps padding away back to Olly’s room, I hear another gentle whisper from Alfie, “See! I told you it would be fine!”