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“Talk to me about it in the car.”
“Woah! Really?”
“Don’t tell anyone.”
—------
It was the afternoon, right after school, and Otogiri was driving his highschool student, Hirose, home.
They were sitting in silence, with the boy playing with his hands, undeniably very nervous. Meanwhile, his teacher just drove calmly, waiting for his companion to talk.
Before, at school, they had both agreed that Hirose would talk to his professor about a certain matter in the car. He was about to ask something about Otogiri’s first girlfriend when he got interrupted to be told they would chat about it when driving home. So now, the man was just waiting for his student to talk. He was there to listen, after all.
“So…” Hirose started, just to then pause to carefully pick his words. He was not looking at the man, directing his gaze to his own hands instead. He was clearly nervous. And it was somehow cute. “How was your relationship with your first girlfriend?” He was now looking at his teacher, who, while noticing, still didn’t look back, focusing on the road instead.
Instead of looking at the boy, he decided to show he heard the question by smiling lightly. A reassuring smile, more than anything.
“Well… I think I was around the same age as you when we dated. She was a third-year, and I was a first-year, but she was still the one that confessed to me first,” He started, every word carefully manufactured to be relaxing. Every phrase was designed to make you comfortable, make you low your guard. Because that’s how you get students to open up. “She was a rule-breaker, and she used to follow me around when I got into fights. Always treating my injuries when I got myself too beaten up. She was beautiful, and I had all my firsts with her. She taught me everything I needed to know…” He paused, to try and pick out the correct words. “It ended when she cheated on me with a guy in her class. One of my guys caught them making out in the infirmary, and told me immediately." He let out a chuckle.
“What?! That’s terrible!” Hirose exclaimed. His voice sounded worried, or maybe surprised, or most probably a mix of both. It was definitely a mix of both, maybe with a little pity in there too. “You must have been heartbroken…” His voice was quieter this time, now it was definitely just worry.
“I totally was, but I still don’t blame her. I was a terrible guy to be around. I probably hurt her a lot more than she hurt me. I also hurt her new boyfriend a lot. I beat that guy up so bad he spent like three days in the hospital.” He let out a laugh instead of a chuckle this time. “I hope he’s alright. I hurt him real bad,” He added, after calming down.
“You beat him up?! Really?” The boy’s voice was now filled with something else. It was still surprised, yes. But also…. Fascinated?
“I sure did! It was downright terrible.” He paused for a moment, still keeping the smile he had been wearing the whole time. “So, is that all you wanted to ask me?” He sneaked a glance at his student, making brief eye contact before focusing his eyes back on the road.
There was a moment of silence, which the man guessed was just Hirose picking out his words. So he just stayed still during it, focusing on driving instead of the teenager sitting in the seat by his left side.
“Mr.Otogiri, I… I never liked Hana,” The boy said, his voice quiet and nervous, but also somehow contemplating. “She was cute. She was very cute and caring, but… But I never liked her. And being with her was tiring. And kissing her and grabbing her hand felt like a chore. I didn’t like her at all, but…” A pause. Probably to think about what to say next. “But I thought I should. I thought I should have liked her. So I dated her. But when I was dating her, I realized there’s someone else I would rather do all those things with…” He paused again. He took a breath. “Mr.Otogiri, I… I think I like Nakamura.”
Otogiri’s heart sunk.
There is no way. No way. Nowaynowaynoway.
“So, just to see if I understood correctly… While dating Hana, you realized that you like Nakamura, and would rather be dating him instead of her?” His voice sounded breathy. Nervous. His carefully crafted calming personality was starting to crack.
Please say no. Please say you were joking. You were confused. Please. Say. No.
“Y-yes,” Hirose responded. Voice nervous.
Fuck.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK.
“Hirose, if I may ask… Why are you telling me this?” I would have preferred if you didn’t. I would have preferred to never feel like this. I would have preferred to just ignore it. “I mean, I’m just your homeroom teacher after all.” And that’s exactly why I shouldn’t be so concerned. That’s exactly why I shouldn’t be so hurt that you realized you like someone… That you like him.
“I-I just wanted to ask you… Mr.Otogiri, am I weird?” The boy sounded sad. Worried. He sounded like he was looking for approval. But at the same time, he sounded like he was preparing for rejection. And it made his professor feel worse. Because his student did nothing wrong. Because his student was in a phase of his life where he was discovering things about himself, and he was just there to offer assistance. Offer support.
And yet, right now, he felt like he couldn’t do it. Because his student wanted the same thing as him. Because his student wanted the same love as him. And because his student deserved it way more than he did.
Because his student was in love with someone who loved him back. With someone he would treat well, and that would treat him well in return. With someone that was in the same class as him. With someone the same age as him. With some that deserved him, and he also deserved.
And his professor had been trying to make this love impossible for a while. He had been desperately trying to make it so it could never happen. But now it did. It was happening now. And he didn’t know what to do about it. He didn’t know what to do, because he knew he should have never done anything in the first place. He knew he should have never purposefully been flirty with Hirose to try and divert his attention from Nakamura to him. He knew he should have never purposefully tried to stop it. Tried to prevent it. But it was too late now. And now his students were in love, and it was beautiful. And it was expected. And it was good.
And it was the already set ending that Otogiri desperately had tried to stop, in vain.
“I… I don’t think you’re weird, Hirose.” He responded, after a while of silence. Desperately trying to sound calm, composed. Trying to sound normal. “I… I actually fell in love with a man once, too. So I don’t think it’s weird.” Not a man. But a boy. He had fallen in love with a boy. And desperately tried to tell himself it wasn’t love. But miserably failed. And then tried to stop this boy’s love story from happening. And miserably failed too.
I fell in love with a boy, Hirose. And you fell in love with him too.
“What?! Really?” The teen exclaimed. Otogiri sneaked another glance at his student. He saw a boy with huge, open eyes, that were glowing with fascination, maybe. Or maybe glowing with illusion. Or maybe something else. Maybe, he was excited to find out his favorite teacher shared something like that with him. Otogiri felt a pinch against his heart. It hurt.
“Yes, really.” And it's horrible, Hirose. And I hate it. And I hate to be in love with him too. And I wish I wasn’t like this, but I am. And I love him. And I know I shouldn’t. And I know it’s disgusting and gross and whatnot. But I still love him. And I hate myself for it.
“Wow…” Hirose’s voice relaxed. Then he started laughing. His professor lightly laughed too, but it sounded more like a giggle. He didn’t really know what to do. He didn’t really know what to say. He really didn’t know what was wrong with him.
“So, what do you like about him?” He decided to ask, just to act like he usually would, because that’s what normal him would usually ask. Just to keep up the conversation until they arrived at the teenager’s house, that wasn’t that far away anymore. This conversation wasn’t going to last much longer. And that somehow calmed Otogiri down.
It wasn’t that long until he could hide his feelings again. Pretend they didn’t exist.
“Well…” Hirose giggled, a smile painted not only on his face, but on his voice too. “I think he’s very cute when he’s nervous. Like when he turns all red and starts stuttering, It’s very adorable when he does that.” His voice sounded dreamy. It sounded lovely. Breathy. That was the voice of a teenage boy in love. And it was just oh so beautiful. Just oh so melodic. Just oh so sweet.
It made Otogiri want to puke.
“Hmm…Really?” He asked, just to add something. Anything. Anything he could say. Because there were lots and lots of things he couldn’t say. Lots and lots of fantasies and ugly thoughts he could never say out loud. Because they were gross. Disgusting. Nauseating.
“Yes!” The boy responded, clearly not noticing the slight tone shift in his professor’s voice. He clearly just wanted to talk about this thing he couldn’t talk about with anyone else. Because he had found someone like him. “I also love how kind he is. He’s always offering nice words to everyone, and helping when he can, and I really love that about him.” I also love that about him. “He’s always being belittled by our classmates, tho. And he never says a thing, because he’s too nice and doesn’t wanna ruin the mood. But I do wish he stood up for himself more often. I think it’s very cool when he does.” I love that about him too. But I wish he came to me for support. You may not realize it, but he usually goes to you.
“He is a very attentive boy.” Otogiri said, just to add something. Anything. Just to seem normal. Because he couldn’t say how much he loved those things about Nakamura too, and how many more things about him he could say he loved. He could keep going for hours and hours and hours if given the opportunity to.
And that downright terrified him.
“Yeah!, and-” Hirose was suddenly cut off when he was about to start talking again. “Oh…” He sighed, clearly disappointed.
“What is it?” The teacher asked the boy. His smile never left during the whole conversation, at least until now, where he decided to break it off to look worried, or curious.
“This is my neighborhood… I’m gonna have to get off soon…” Hirose sighed again. “I wanted to keep talking!” He complained. Otogiri just decided to start smiling again, this new smile just as fake and made up as the last one, or maybe a little bit more. He was glad they were almost there. He was glad all this talk was going to be over soon. He was glad he wasn’t going to listen to his student talk about his crush anymore.
Because, every time he did, he just felt like he was stabbed and ripped apart.
Because, every time he did, he was reminded that he wanted that same crush too.
Because, every time he did, he wanted to die.
Otogiri just laughed, to hide the pain that filled every single corner of his body. To hide the overwhelming jealousy that possessed him. To hide the feelings he had for a fifteen year old boy.
“Bad for you then…” He said, with a grin. A smile. A fake one. A very obviously fake one. “And…We’re here,” Announced the professor, stopping the car right in front of a certain, familiar home. It had a plate at the front, it read ‘Hirose’. He looked to his left, to the boy sitting right next to him, and watched him as he removed his security belt, and opened the door to get off the car. But then, he suddenly stopped, and started making eye contact with his teacher. The door was still open, and he was just standing on the road, his eyes attentively staring at the man’s own.
And then, he smiled. Gently. But also melancholically.
“Mr.Otogiri, I… I wanted to say thanks. For listening to me.” He smiled wider, making his eyes close and his teeth show. Otogiri’s heart suddenly hurt like he was just stabbed, but he still smiled back.
“That’s what I’m here for, after all,” He responded, kindly. It was not a lie. “I’ll be glad to cheer you on with him. Do your best!” This time, it was a lie. Not the part where he said would cheer him on, but the part where he said he was glad to. Because he was not glad to do it. But he knew he had to. He knew he had to offer support, to offer guidance. He knew he had to do it even if he desperately didn’t want to. He knew he had to do it even if he had done everything in his power to avoid it, and failed to. Because that was the reason he became a teacher in the first place.
Because he wanted to help kids.
Not fall in love with them.
Hirose’s smile relaxed again.
“I will,” He said, nodding, and then closing the door. He headed to his home, and waved goodbye to his professor as the car started leaving. He then entered his house when he knew the man was too far away to see him wave, he now had a weight lifted off his chest.
And, as the car was running, and he was driving off, Otogiri contemplated the orange sky as the sun started to set. He gave himself a shy, quiet laugh, and thought and thought.
And he thought and thought until he arrived at his apartment complex, and then he came to a half-assed, not well thought conclusion…
“Maybe I’ll be able to ignore it now.”
He sighed. Chuckled. Laughed. Loudly.
Because he knew that was just downright stupid. He knew it.
Because he knew he couldn’t ignore it now.
He knew that his feelings for Nakamura– For the boy would haunt him forever.
And he knew he couldn’t ignore them now.