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It was not Shane Hollander’s day. It started this afternoon at the store when Shane realized they were out of his favorite brand of Ginger Ale. He had to settle for the brand he knew most people would say tasted the same, but he could always tell the difference. And then when he was leaving the store it had started to rain, even though there hadn’t been any rain in the forecast. By the time he made it to his Jeep with the groceries his shirt was sticking to him and the bottom of his jeans were saturated from where he’d stepped in a puddle he hadn’t seen in his rush to try to get out of the rain. Shane had to sit in the car taking deep breaths to fight off the panic that was trying to over take him with all the sensory overloads that his rain soaked clothes were causing.
He got home and all he wanted was to strip out of the clothes and take a warm shower, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to relax until all the groceries were put away. Once that task was completed he made his way directly to the bathroom, threw the clothes off his body onto the floor and stepped into a scalding shower. Any relaxation he started feeling in the shower quickly vanished when he got out only then to remember the towels were in the dryer from when he moved them from the washer before going to the store. He had other towels in the cabinet, but his favorite towel was in the dryer. And then he saw the clothes on the floor. Why had he not taken the time to put them in the hamper before his shower? Nothing was right today.
He never much liked working out after a shower, because that just meant he’d have to shower again after the workout. But Shane didn’t know what else to do. It felt like the best idea to try to help himself not spiral into a panic attack. He knew he could call Ilya, but honestly he felt like hearing Ilya without him actually being able to touch him might just make everything worse right now. So that’s how he found himself freshly showered and pushing himself on the treadmill in his home gym. He’d chosen the treadmill because it never failed to remind him on that night after the draft. Silently competing with Ilya on who could push themselves more that night. If he closed his eyes while running he could bring himself back to that hotel gym all those years ago. If only he knew then what Ilya would come to mean to him.
If today had been a normal day Shane would have been able to finish his workout like normal, but with everything that had happened heightening his emotions he couldn’t help but feel every drop of sweat running down his body. And he hated it. He had to use the emergency stop on the treadmill because all he could think about was how much he wanted to crawl out of his own skin. His hand started involuntarily tapping on the handle of the treadmill as he stood on it trying to catch his breath. Fuck, he couldn’t clear his mind. Shaking out his hands trying to get them to stop jittering he goes over to the dryer. He finds his favorite towel he didn’t have after his earlier shower and takes it to the bathroom for his second shower of the day.
Shane’s body felt better after his shower, but he couldn’t get his mind to stop feeling so jumbled and full of thoughts. And it didn’t help that through everything going through his mind he also felt like he was having to remind himself to breathe. Constantly telling himself ‘you’re okay, you can breathe.’ He wasn’t going to have a panic attack now. If he could just wait Ilya would be here tomorrow night. He could deal with all of this then when his boyfriend was here to hold him. Ilya always knew how to handle Shane when his brain stopped working the way it should. That was the worst part. Shane knew the things triggering this feeling weren’t normal. They wouldn’t phase most people. But his stupid brain wouldn’t cooperate. Ilya has told him so many times that his brain wasn’t stupid, but Shane still didn’t believe it. Not getting your favorite brand of drink, walking in the rain, and not having a certain towel shouldn’t send someone into an anxiety attack where they could barely breathe, but here Shane was. Ilya would tell him it was okay that he reacted like this. And that it was no big deal for Ilya to help him feel better. But Shane was always harder on himself than he should be.
Tomorrow he had a game against Ilya, and then Ilya would come home and be here. Shane would have his favorite person back home and he could fall apart in Ilya’s arms if he needed to. And Shane needed to. Maybe it’s not the smartest decision to push everything he’s feeling right now down to try to not deal with it until tomorrow night. But Shane decides that’s the best decision for now. So he closes his eyes and forces the feelings down. Telling himself he’d make Ilya lay on him first thing when he gets here. Ilya was the best weighted blanket when Shane needed to feel pressure to help calm down. And Ilya would speak to him in Russian that Shane didn’t understand, but always made him relax. And he’d press kisses onto Shane’s neck and shoulders as he lay atop him, that always made Shane feel like melting into a pile of goo. Yes, that would make everything better. He just had to wait until tomorrow. He could do that. He could delay all these feelings until then. Right?
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Wrong. Very wrong. Everything was still wrong. His clothes all felt wrong on his body. The lights in the locker room looked far too bright. The noise of his teammates talking and laughing getting ready for the game sounded louder than ever. It was all too much. Fuck. Shane should have just dealt with all his feelings yesterday alone. But he thought he could make it until after the game. He is a top professional athlete. He should have more control over his brain like he has with his body. But he doesn’t. Why does this have to happen now? At least it’s better than happening during the game he tries to tell himself to make it better. But it doesn’t make anything better. He’s struggling to take a deep breath. His hands are against the wood of his locker in the Voyageurs’ locker room.
Shane jumps when he feels a hand on his shoulder. He looks over and sees Hayden there looking concerned. Shane had felt kinda bad about how much his teammates seemed to ignore and avoid him more in the locker room since he told them he was gay, but right now he’s thankful for the fact. But of course his best friend who doesn’t conform to their teammates mindset of treating Shane differently now notices something is wrong.
“Shane? You good?”
Shane can’t form words right now, so he just hangs his head where it’s situated more in his locker and shakes it ‘no’. His fingers are tapping wildly against the wood and his leg is bouncing. Too much energy in his body that he can’t control finding ways to be released. Too bad it can’t help him breathe.
“Fuck Shane. What can I do? Do you need something?”
Shane does his best to take a deep breath.
“Can’t have what I need.”
“What do you mean? I can get you whatever it is.”
Shane looks over to give Hayden a look like he can’t deal with this right now.
“Can’t have who I need.”
Realization flashes across Hayden’s face understanding what Shane is saying.
“Fuck. Yeah. He can’t come in here.” Hayden says, lowering his voice and glancing around to make sure no one was paying attention to them.
Shane still felt like he couldn’t breathe.
“I’m gonna die.”
“Shit. No. Fine. Where’s your phone?”
“Why”
“Because he can’t come in here. But Ottawa's a good team right? Well, maybe not at hockey, but the people. Not saying we don’t have good people, but they’re like really good people right? You’ve told me how much Ilya loves them. I can take you to him since he can’t come here. We still have over an hour before the game. You can calm down with him and then come back before we have to be on the ice.”
Shane wasn’t so sure about this plan. But any plan that got him to Ilya he was willing to try. Reaching up into his locker he unlocks his phone and hands it to Hayden.
“No, it’s Hayden…. Listen Shane’s not doing good right now. I think he’s having a panic attack. It’s bad. I’ve never seen him like this…. No…. no… listen to me…. There’s not anywhere here I trust for you to meet that wouldn’t have a chance of a fan or staff member seeing you….. No, I was thinking I could bring him to your locker room. He’s said your team’s pretty cool. Would they be okay with it?.... Okay…. Yeah…. We’ll head over there now. Bye.”
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Ilya hung up the phone. Fuck. Shane wasn’t okay. Shane was having a panic attack and he needed Ilya. Ilya hadn’t heard from Shane since the day before yesterday, but he didn’t think much of it. They often didn’t talk in the day or two leading up to a game against each other aside from teasing text most times. And now that he thought of it Shane hadn’t replied to his text he sent last night. Ilya just figured Shane had gone to bed early and was focused when he woke up so he didn’t reply. Ilya should have called Shane when he didn’t text back. Nothing he could do about it now. Shane was on his way to him now. And Ilya knew the Voyageurs’ locker room wasn’t too far away from the visiting team’s locker room, so he didn’t have much time to prepare his team for what was about to happen.
The locker room was loud like it always was before a game. Ilya walked to the middle of the room -
“Listen the fuck up.”
Everyone got quiet and looked at their captain.
“I have an announcement. I am bisexual.”
Ilya was interrupted with hoops and hollers. His teammates supporting him. He didn’t have time for this. He also didn’t have time to field a million questions about him and Shane. So he decided to be vague about what they were about to see. He’d let them figure it out themselves when Shane came in.
“Listen. I will answer all your questions after, but please I am asking you to not say anything about what is about to happen. Please. Is delicate situation. But he needs me. So please, this stays in here.”
His teammates were all giving him very confused looks not understanding what he was talking about. But before anyone could ask any questions he heard Hayden’s voice.
“Rozanov?”
“Shit, that’s Pike and Hollander.”
“What the fuck are they doing in here?”
Ilya rushed over to the door where Hayden was supporting Shane with his arm around his shoulders.
“Ilya.”
Shane breathed out the word like it was a cure to everything he was feeling. Immediately falling against Ilya’s chest. Ilya wrapped his arms around Shane and could feel Shane’s heart beating against his chest faster than normal. Ilya held him tighter.
“Hey, hey. You are okay. I am here. I have you. Breathe for me baby. I’m here. Please breathe moya lyubov'.”
Hayden had seen himself out once Shane was in Ilya’s arms and now Ilya was walking Shane further into the locker room over towards his locker. Shane still securely in Ilya’s arms. The room was quiet other than low whispers around the room.
“What the fuck is going on?”
“How long do you think that has been a thing?”
“How the hell did Roz pull Hollander?”
“Is the captain of the other team even allowed in here?”
“Shut the fuck up. Ilya needs our support right now. And we’ll give it to him and to Hollander. Because apparently he’s with Roz.”
The last statement had been made by Bood. Ilya was very thankful for his teammate’s support. But they were not his priority right now. Right now his priority was getting Shane’s breathing back to normal. He sat on the floor with his back against his locker and situated Shane so he was sitting with his back against Ilya’s chest. Ilya wrapped one arm around Shane's stomach and the other around his chest with his hand resting over his heart.
“Breathe malysh. Feel me. My chest breathing. Match me.”
“Can’t breathe.”
“Yes you can. You will. Just be here with me. Focus on me. I love you Shane. You will breathe for me.”
"Feels like I'm gonna die."
"No. You will breathe. I will not allow you to die."
Ilya pressed firm with his hand on Shane’s chest trying to help control how quickly his breaths were coming. Ilya pressed small kisses on Shane’s neck trying to get him out of his head. Ilya saw someone approaching from the corner of his eye. Looking he saw Troy stopping next to them and holding out a bottle of water for Ilya to take, nodding towards Shane indicating he had gotten the water for Shane. Ilya smiled gratefully towards the other man and nodded his thanks. Troy didn’t need any words, just nodded back at Ilya and walked away. Ilya set the water down planning to give it to Shane once he was calmer. If he tried to get Shane to drink now he wasn’t convinced Shane wouldn’t choke on it.
“Why is it so quiet here?”
Ilya looked up to see his coach Brandon Wiebe walk into the room. Fuck. Ilya liked Wiebe, but he wasn’t sure how he would react to seeing the opposing team’s captain in their locker room in Ilya’s lap. Wiebe’s eyes scanned over the locker room and finally met Ilya’s.
“What?-”
“Hey Coach. Can we talk to you over here?”
Bood and Barrett both walked up to Wiebe and started talking to him in low voices Ilya couldn’t hear. He kept seeing Coach looking over at him and Shane as he was no doubt being filled in to what Ilya had told everyone and what they had seen. They stopped talking and Wiebe looked again to Ilya and gave him a nod and a smile. Good. That was good. Coach wasn’t going to kick him off the team then.
They stayed like that for 10 minutes. With Ilya whispering supporting words to Shane and Shane trying to get to where his breathing was under control and his heart didn’t feel like it was going to beat out of his chest. When Shane finally felt like he was back in his body it started to hit him where he was and the fact that there were a lot of people around them. It probably didn’t make it any better, but he was embarrassed and just wanted to hide. He turned around so he was straddling Ilya and buried his face in Ilya’s neck.
“Shhh. Is okay. You are good. We are good here.”
“I’m sorry.”
“No, Shane. No sorry. You did nothing wrong.”
“That shouldn’t have happened.”
“You can’t control it, da? Not your fault.”
“My stupid brain shouldn’t react to small things like that.”
“Hey. No. Your brain is not stupid. Do not talk about my boyfriend like that. Is not nice. I love your brain Hollander. Do not talk bad about it.”
“I love you.”
“Ya tebya lyublyu”
Shane leaned back and looked at Ilya. He really wanted to kiss the other man right now. But he was aware they had people watching them right now. And did not feel like putting on any more of a show than he already had. Ilya on the other hand didn’t seem to care if his teammates were watching. He leaned up and pressed his lips to Shane’s. Shane quickly pulled back.
“Ilya” he said eyes big looking turning his head side to side looking around to signal to Ilya they had an audience. Ilya just leaned his head back looking up and rolling his eyes.
“Fine. Will not kiss you in front of team. Will just humiliate you on ice later in front of them when I win face off.”
“In your dreams Rozanov.”
“Da. You are always in my dreams baby.”
Shane just shook his head and got off Ilya’s lap. He was going to have to face the other men in the room sooner or later. As he stood and looked around he noticed all eyes seemed to be on him. Some were trying to be more discrete in their staring than others, but he definitely had everyone’s attention.
“Um, sorry about that, but thank you all for not kicking me out.”
No one said anything for a moment, then Troy Barrett spoke up.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Bood, did you see anything out of the ordinary happen in here today?”
“Nope, I didn’t see a thing. Hazy, have you seen Shane Hollander today?”
“No, I figure we’ll just see him on the ice like normal. I plan to block all his shots tonight”
Shane understood what they were doing. He had never felt so grateful for a team in his life, and it wasn’t even his team. He understood why Ilya loved this team so much. Yeah, they may not always win games, but they were special. You didn’t come across this type of team in hockey. He was glad Ilya had them. And he guessed now he had them now too in a way.
Ilya put his arm around Shane’s shoulder as he walked him to the door of the locker room.
“Thank you.”
“Always Shane. I will always be here no matter what or where we are.”
“They seem great.”
“I trust them. They will keep our secret.”
“Good luck tonight. Is it bad that after that I’m kinda rooting for your team tonight.”
“You say that now. But once on ice all you will focus on is beating us. But is nice thought.”
“Yeah. I’m just ready for the game to be over to get back home with you.”
“Da. We will go home and I can hold you all night.”
“Fuck, that sounds perfect.”
“Is because I am perfect boyfriend.”
Shane just shook his head at Ilya’s comment. But the other man was standing here with a big smile on his face and he had just helped Shane out of a panic attack. And now he was standing here in front of Shane all smiles and banter and he could feel the love Ilya had for him like it was radiating off of him. Shane took a quick glance behind Ilya and maybe some of the guys were still looking at them, but with Ilya looking like that Shane couldn’t help himself. He leaned forward and pressed his lips to Ilya’s. Ilya immediately pulled Shane closer. Shane had only meant for the kiss to be a quick goodbye kiss. He should have known Ilya would have other plans. Ilya was quick to slip his tongue into Shane’s mouth and Shane had to work to hold back a moan and to pull at Ilya’s shirt. Shane broke the kiss before it got even more carried away. Ilya just looked at him with a smirk and winked.
“See you on ice Hollander.”
“See you on the ice Rozanov.”
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“Okay Roz you said you’d answer questions after. Now is after. You and Hollander?”
“Yeah Rozy, how long has that been going on?”
“I heard you both say something about love. Is our Rozy in love? Fuck, good for you Cap!”
“That is something I never thought I’d see.”
“How many people know about this?”
“Is he going to be okay?”
The questions started coming at him the moment he turned around after Shane left.
“Okay, okay. Thank you all for letting me help him. Yes, as I am sure you all know now, Shane and I are together. Have been for long time. Officially for about 2 years now, but have been together in some way since our rookie season. Yes, we are in love. I would say I have loved him since I was 17. Is obviously secret. Voyageurs know he is gay, but do not know about us. They probably would not be good with it, is why he came here. Pike knows, is why he brought Shane. His parents know. Rose Landry. My friend Svetlana. And now all of you. So please, I know I can trust you all, but please keep this secret. We are not ready for everyone to know.”
Ilya looked at his teammates and knew his and Shane’s secret was safe even without them saying anything. But of course they had things to say.
“Fuck yeah we’ll keep your secret Cap.”
“I didn’t see anything.”
“Won’t tell a soul”
“I think even if I told Cassie she wouldn’t believe me. You being able to get Hollander. No way.”
“We got your back Roz.”
Ilya was not going to cry in front of his team. He wasn’t going to. But their support meant the world to him. He thought about the locker room Shane was going back to and all of a sudden didn’t feel like he was going to cry anymore. He was mad. Shane should have this. A team that supports and loves him no matter who he loves. Shane had told him about how they have distanced themselves from him since coming out to them. It was a bunch of bullshit. Shane Hollander was the best player in the NHL and he deserted more loyalty from his team. Montreal would not have won the Cup the last three years without Shane. Meanwhile Ottawa hardly wins any games and Ilya has no doubt these men would follow him into any battle. And tonight's battle was against Shane and his shitty team.
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The Voyageurs may be a shitty team, but they were a shitty team that was very good at hockey. They beat Ottawa 3-2. It was an outcome no one was surprised by, but Ilya was proud the game had been close at least.
They’d finished doing media after the game and thankfully the Voyageurs must have been eager to go out and celebrate their win tonight because it didn’t take long for Ilya to get a text from Shane that they had cleared out and it was safe for Ilya to meet Shane at his car where the players park. Even though the coast should be clear Ilya still wore his hoodie with the hood up over his head and kept his gaze low to avoid anyone who might see him. He saw Shane had just gotten to his Jeep when he saw Yuna and David walk up as well. He had forgotten they were coming to the game. They tried to come to every Montreal v. Ottawa game to watch them both. They usually go over to the condo they have in Montreal for a late diner after games.
Ilya walked up to the car and the moment Shane saw him he went for a hug. He needed to be back in Ilya’s arms. Panic attacks always made Shane tired, but having one and then having to go play hockey after. Shane was exhausted. Ilya didn’t even have time to greet Yuna and David before Shane was in his arms. Not that Ilya was complaining. He would hold Shane anytime he needed.
“Need you.” is all Shane said softly where only Ilya could hear.
“You have me malysh. Always.”
Ilya looked over to Shane’s parents who were watching them.
“You played a very good game Ilya.”
“Thank you Yuna. Not as good as Shane though.”
“Are you boys coming over for some food like normal?”
Yuna wouldn’t usually ask, but she could feel that something seemed different from other nights between her two boys.
Ilya felt Shane stiffen a bit in his arms and he slightly shook his head against Ilya so he could feel it.
“Sorry Yuna, um… not tonight I think. Has not been a good day. I think we just need home.”
Ilya said while rubbing his hands against Shane’s back continuing to comfort him.
“Of course. You both go home and get some rest. Good game tonight, both of you.”
Ilya walked with Shane over to the passenger side of his Jeep.
“Shane, give me keys, you cannot drive like this.”
Shane just hummed in response and reached into his pocket and gave the keys to Ilya who opened the door and helped Shane into the seat. Fuck, his Shane was so out of it. It broke Ilya’s heart a little seeing him like this. But everything would be okay. They were going home and Ilya would take care of everything. Would take care of Shane.
Walking to the back of the Jeep Ilya opened the truck to put both their game bags in. Once the truck was closed he felt Yuna’s hand on his shoulder.
“Is he okay?”
Ilya looked at Yuna seeing concern for her son written all over her face.
“Da. He will be. He had panic attack earlier. It was a bad one. I helped him, but my team knows about us now. He calmed down in our locker room. Better my team find out than his. My team is good. Will keep our secret. I will take care of him, no need to worry mom.”
“I know you will Ilya. You always take such good care of him. Thank you for loving him.”
“No need for thanks. Is very easy loving Shane. I have loved him for many years now. I will always take care of him.”
Yuna smiled at him.
“I love you Ilya. I’m so glad to have you as a son now too. You’re a good man.”
Yuna hugged Ilya and he whispered a thanks to the woman who has been like a mother to him for 2 years now. Affection from Yuna was something that while Ilya always loved it, also made him miss his own mother.
“Okay, you go now. Get him home. Call us tomorrow.”
“I will, thank you.”
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“Will you lay on me?”
Ilya had just walked into their bedroom as Shane was falling onto the bed on his stomach in just his briefs. Ilya looked around and saw Shane had discarded his clothes on the floor in a trail leading to the bed. He felt his heart squeeze at the sight. His poor Shane was so out of it he’d left a mess. Ilya knew Shane wouldn’t like that in the morning, so he reached down and started picking up Shane’s clothes from the floor.
“Of course I will baby. Better than stupid weighted blankets.”
“Yes. Bet-ter.”
Ilya dropped Shane’s clothes into the hamper before taking his own off and putting them in the hamper too. Ilya kept his underwear on matching how Shane went to bed. Tonight was about comfort, not sex.
Ilya climbed onto the bed and carefully dropped himself on top of Shane’s body. Making sure as much of his body as possible was on top of Shane. Shane hummed contently under him.
“Love you.”
“I love you too solnyshko”
Ilya was placing kisses on any part of Shane’s body that he could reach without moving too much. This. This is exactly what Shane needed. Nothing wrong could happen to him when he was under Ilya.
“You want me to speak Russian for you to sleep?”
“How did you know?”
“I know you. You are my Shane. My love. I will always take care of you.”