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PART 1: ILYA CRASHES OUT
“This has to be a fucking joke,” Ilya mutters to himself as he scans the tabloid article that Connors (the unofficial gossip god of the Boston Raiders) had sent in their unserious team group chat. The block letters of the headline stare back at him tauntingly: FANS POSE WITH MONTREAL METROS CAPTAIN SHANE HOLLANDER AT LOCAL AQUARIUM AFTER HE PASSES BABY OFF TO UNKNOWN FRIEND. Attached is a photo of Shane standing between two preteen girls with a weird aqua glow over them. “Was this taken in basement torture chamber?” He posits aloud, silently judging these two fans for attempting to capture Shane’s handsome face in the worst possible lighting situation.
He scrolls through the article to see pictures taken from a distance, clearly showing Shane holding a baby next to a shadowy figure that was undoubtedly his best friend: Hayden Pike. Ilya’s mind starts racing.
Pike found at scene of the crime, how shocking.
These two can hang out in public doing normal things and barely anyone cares. Perhaps Hollander and I could be together in public if I was also bad hockey player like Pike.
Then again, if I was out in public with Hollander the tabloids would publish my name in the headline. Poor Pike is so forgettable that even in Montreal nobody bothers to remember his name. Embarrassing.
That baby has cute face. Must be Jackie’s genes. Pike looks like sleep deprived raccoon whose dumpster home was just set on fire. Jackie is too beautiful for such strange man.
Hollander is holding that baby more carefully than he held Stanley Cup. Why are my eyes leaking? Why is my chest warm? Oh my God I must be having heart attack or dying or something. I cannot die like this, is pathetic.
Hmm. Cannot believe he stopped texting me to do boring thing like look at slimy jellyfish with Pike. Has he considered that I am more interesting than Pike? More beautiful than jellyfish? He should be holding ME, not baby Pike. I AM SHANE HOLLANDER’S BABY.
Is criminal to take photo with Hollander in such dark exhibit. Can barely see his adorable freckles because of the blinding flash.
I miss those freckles. Need to see him in daylight more often. Always having to look at freckles in low lamp lighting when we have some time together. I want to spend day with him doing boring things.
What time is it? I want vodka. Cannot bear to think about Pike for so long while sober. Hollander I could think about all the time. Drunk, sober, awake, asleep. Would never admit this to him of course. He only thinks about hockey, eating disgusting bird food, and stupid Hayden Pike.
If I text Sveta to talk about this she will know Hollander is Jane. She is already so suspicious. Too intelligent for her own good.
But this is very casual with Hollander and me. Just meet up to fuck, slam each other into boards during games, text back and forth. So casual. Even more casual than going to aquarium. I wonder if Pike takes Jackie on as many dates as he takes Hollander.
Perhaps Marly and I should stage our own version of aquarium date. Boston knows us, we would both have good headline. Boston aquarium has better fish than Montreal aquarium. Would be very good PR; coach would be happy for us to be photographed while sober for once.
Hmm. But I guess two adult men at aquarium together would be suspicious. Perhaps we can borrow children from teammates. Nobody has millions of children like Pike, but there are plenty to choose from. Maybe we can bring multiple babies. I carry two, Marly carries two. Would be big spectacle.
Will go on stan twitter and post pics secretly from my burner account. Narrative will be that Marly and I are DILFs. Pike could never be DILF. He is opposite. Dad I Would Never Fuck. DIWNF. That would be such good code name for him. Nobody would ever guess.
Hollander is such beautiful man. He would make cutest children. Is shame I cannot get him pregnant with super hockey baby. Would be fast, smart, gorgeous, and full of freckles. The Jumbotron would show Hollander-Rozanov babies at every game.
These girls don’t even realize how lucky they are to see Shane Hollander up close. He should have security around him at all times just to make sure that Pike doesn’t get any funny ideas. Maybe I should quit hockey to be security guard. Am very good at fighting.
Should I text him? He doesn’t use internet for anything other than watching game tape, interviews, and studying hockey. He definitely hasn’t seen article. Unless Pike cried about it and made him read it. Would be very on brand for him.
How do I casually bring up article without seeming like jealous stalker? Is it possible? Casual sex people do not have Google alerts set for the name of the person they’re fucking. I think. Is for research! Must find my rival’s secrets and weaknesses to remain competitive.
Hollander would never Google me. Is good thing because tabloids always find pictures of me leaving bars with Marly’s random girls hanging off me. Or worse, the girls with dark hair, freckles, and deep brown eyes who look like they should be named Shania or Holly who come home with me. I do not have a type. My type is not Shane Hollander and Shane Hollander only.
Why did I Google myself? Surely it’s not because I want to know what it would look like if Hollander looked me up.
Never before have I been embarrassed, but I do not think that my current digital footprint is worthy of Canada’s Golden Goose or whatever they call him up there in maple land.
“IS VERY CASUAL ARRANGEMENT!” he bellows, startling himself at how little he believed the statement despite how loudly he’d tried to convince himself of it.
PART 2: THE BOSTON BROS GROUP CHAT
BOSTON’S BEST BROS💣🤑💯🍻
Marly: sooo are we going to talk about why hollander was at an aquarium with a baby👀
Roz: this cannot possibly be the most interesting thing happening today
Connors: idk it seems pretty interesting to me🍿
St. Simon: hollander having a secret baby is great gossip because it doesn’t involve any of us
Hammersmith: if you would’ve asked me which of the top MLH rivals had a secret baby, my money would’ve been on cap
Roz: fuck off old man. enjoy your bag skates tomorrow🖕
Hammersmith: IT WAS A JOKE
Carmichael: there isn’t a description of this friend in the article🤔
Marly: we don't need one do we? it’s clearly a guy
St. Simon: of course they did this inside of the fucking aquarium. there are better quality pics of bigfoot
Carmichael: wait isn’t that hollander’s bff pike
Marly: why the fuck would they call pike an “unknown friend”
Roz: he’s the 15th best player on the metros. basically nobody😂
Hammersmith: how are these girls hollander fans if they don’t know who pike is? they play on the same line
Connors: they like hollander because he has a pretty face. not because they actually watch hockey
St. Simon: pretty? okay regina george
Marly: just because they’re girls doesn’t mean they don’t know puck, con
Connors: I WASN’T SAYING THAT TO BE PROBLEMATIC! also i would be gretchen wieners💁♀️
St. Simon: you definitely give off “she doesn’t even go here” energy
Connors: wow i bring good gossip and still get bullied by my teammates☹️
Carmichael: pretty sure that fans ignore pike since he’s married with a few kids
Roz: *5 million children👧👧👦👧👶✖️♾️
Hammersmith: hollander doesn’t seem like he does anything other than practice hockey, play hockey, study hockey, work out, and maybe eat
Roz: mmm he barely eats
St. Simon: HOW WOULD YOU KNOW THAT
Roz: because i study my competition??? don’t make it weird
Carmichael: so how are we going to get to the bottom of this🔍
Hammersmith: what are we, the scooby gang?
Marly: i get to be daphne
St. Simon: we are losing the goddamn plot here🤦♂️
Roz: i cannot believe we care this much about whatever boring paternity drama hollander has
Connors: who taught you the phrase “paternity drama”
Roz: i have seen maury. i am russian, not caveman or nun🙄
Marly: cap the church would catch on fire if you even tried to walk in
St. Simon: bruh can we focus for 30 seconds
Carmichael: i’ve never heard about hollander dating anyone or seen pics of him taking home puck bunnies
Hammersmith: hollander would never take home a puck bunny. he probably asks them questions about his stats and gets turned off when they don’t know puck
Marly: women aren’t mindless sex dolls. sveta knows more about hockey than 75% of this chat
Connors: am i in the 25% or the 75%?
St. Simon: the fact that you even have to ask…
Roz: sveta?? puck bunny?? no she isn’t you asshole
Marly: i know cap! i’m just saying that girls can be hot and smart
Roz: if you weren’t my best friend i would put icy hot in your gloves🥊
St. Simon: GET👏A👏ROOM👏
Carmichael: so we have no intel on hollander being in a relationship…
Marly: nope. i’ve heard locker room and WAG chat rumors that he’s been seeing a girl named lily for years now. supposedly she lives in boston💘
St. Simon: well. i’m pretty sure that’s not a “lily” with him at the aquarium
Connors: maybe he had a secret baby with this boston girl and they share custody
Hammersmith: why did these girls assume that the baby was his? just because he was holding the baby?
Roz: if it was pike, the twins were probably there too. pike can barely handle a puck! he would’ve needed hollander to help him
Connors: i love how dedicated you are to hating pike and hollander even in the secrecy of our chat🤣
Roz: always hatred for pike. hollander is competition
Hammersmith: why wouldn’t his wife be there to help him?
Marly: maybe she wanted a break?! nobody blinks if a mom is taking care of 3 kids by herself in public. pike can manage taking the kids out
Hammersmith: that’s true. no reason that moms can’t have time away from the chaos
Roz: his wife is probably so happy to be free of pike’s annoying ass
Connors: CAP💀
Carmichael: have you guys seen the shayden theories on twitter
Hammersmith: what the fuck is a shayden
St. Simon: oh i know this. it’s these terminally online conspiracy theorists who think that hollander and pike are in a secret relationship
Marly: because guys can’t just be good friends unless it’s sexual?
Connors: plus pike is married??? neither of them are gay or bi or whatever
Roz: as far as we know
St. Simon: oh my god cap is a fucking shayden😫
Roz: i will dump loose glitter in your gear bag
St. Simon: noooo cap i was joking🥺
Hammersmith: so pike’s baby could be a shayden baby?
Marly: nah. it’s pike’s kid and his best friend was just holding the baby. it isn’t complicated
Carmichael: idk i kind of believe that this might be a shayden baby…
Roz: did you not learn about sex in school? how would “shayden” make baby together?
Carmichael: idk i figured science had figured out a way to make a super hockey baby or something🧬🏒👶🏆
Roz: if anyone was making super hockey baby why the fuck would it be with 50% pike DNA? they’d try it with my DNA since i am the best and hollander is second best
Marly: mmm we are definitely unpacking this shit together later cap📌
Connors: but why are we going with the least likely explanation
Hammersmith: what if pike’s wife is a beard AND their surrogate😳
St. Simon: cannot believe i’m witnessing the shayden agenda infiltrate our group chat🚫
Roz: ‼️I AM NOT SH*YD*N BELIEVER‼️
Marly: me neither. i think the tabloids are just uninformed and made this sound more scandalous than it actually is
Hammersmith: but it sounds plausible. it would explain why hollander doesn’t have any public romances
Roz: the only options are public romance or fucking your best friend?
Hammersmith: okay that’s fair. there could be a secret, juicier option🫖
Carmichael: do you think we should send in some hot gossip tips
Connors: we don’t actually know anything. do we??
St. Simon: that’s not true. i know that i’m apparently teammates with a bunch of idiotic shayden shippers🤦♂️
Roz: the next dumbass who says sh*yd*n is doing bag skates
Marly: i think it’s safe to assume that cap doesn’t believe the shayden baby theory
Roz: my best friend is the smartest person on this team😘
Carmichael: i saw him using his phone calculator to add 4+3
Marly: 🖕fuck you🖕 cap can carmie do bag skates🙏
Hammersmith: but he didn’t even mention shayden
Roz: 2 days of bag skates for hammy now🔨🔨 and day of bag skates for mathematician carmie
Carmichael: 💔
Hammersmith: what happened to respecting your elders
St. Simon: the word elders implies wisdom. shayden believers are inherently stupid
Roz: enough big american words in this chat
Connors: 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Hammersmith: wait why haven’t we asked mr. congeniality aka marly to text his contact on the metros to get the scoop
Roz: for smart idea i will knock off one bag skate for you hammy☺️
Marly: i know someone who went to development camp with drapeau
Carmichael: oh wait i think i have pike’s number. please hold
Connors: ⏲️ tick tock ⏲️
Roz: i have urgent captain business to attend to. will return when carmie has info from mr. unknown😊
PART 3: LILY & JANE
Lily: good afternoon👋
Jane: Hi? Why are you being so formal?
Lily: am trying to make good impression
Jane: We have been fucking for several years but now is when you decide to care about impressions?
Lily: how hurtful😢
Jane: Okay weirdo. What’s up? Hayden is spamming me with texts and calls right now. I’m scared to know what it’s about.
Lily: i possibly know👁️👄👁️
Jane: You hate him and would never willingly speak to him.
Lily: correct. but not everyone i know is hater. also it involves you
Jane: Are you going to tell me or are you going to force me to listen to Hayden hyperventilate on speakerphone?
Lily: your date to aquarium got picked up by tabloids
Jane: It wasn’t a date! We’re best friends and we took his kids!
Lily: are you sure those aren’t your shared children🤔
Jane: Are you under concussion protocol?
Lily: no? is valid question😁
Jane: Valid to whom exactly?
Jane: You mention how lucky the kids are that they look like Jackie any time you hear someone name a gemstone. Wouldn’t you notice if they were ¼ Japanese?
Lily: i like that this is your argument rather than denying that you would ever fuck pike
Lily: plus, newest baby does not have name of colorful rock. is this because of you?
Jane: Are you fucking serious?
Jane: HAYDEN IS STRAIGHT AND MARRIED. I WAS NOT INVOLVED IN ARTHUR’S CONCEPTION!
Lily: you know enough hockey players to know that things still happen under these circumstances
Jane: He’s my best friend! I have only ever had sex with one hockey player, perhaps you know him?
Lily: is he fossilized grandfather🦖🦕
Jane: I HAVE NEVER FUCKED SCOTT HUNTER!
Lily: well how was i supposed to know that?
Jane: Unbelievable. Did you text me just to ragebait me?
Lily: no i thought you would find it funny there is tabloid article that describes pike as “unknown friend”😂
Jane: Oh. No wonder he’s so upset.
Lily: if he wants people to recognize him, perhaps he should be better stick handler
Jane: He’s on my line. Do you think they put the shittiest wingers next to me?
Jane: Also, we have two cups together so clearly he’s not bad.
Lily: blah blah blah pike is the best because you have cups together🙄
Jane: Are you jealous?
Lily: why would i be jealous of the metros 15th best player
Jane: Because he’s my best friend and we spend almost all day every day together.
Lily: now who is being ragebaiter😠
Jane: This is literally all your fault.
Lily: if you keep being mean to me i will leak shayden gossip to the tabloids
Jane: You’ll leak WHAT?
Lily: oh come on hollander. you have heard of shayden conspiracies
Jane: Is that why you think that Arthur is my secret love child with Hayden?
Lily: is not just me. many people are shayden believers…
Jane: Name 3 people you know in real life who are.
Lily: hammersmith, carmichael, and jackie
Jane: YOUR TEAMMATES?!
Lily: yes, they are very stupid men. am making them do bag skates for being such idiots
Jane: This is what you guys talk about?
Lily: we are diverse group. we discuss many things😌
Jane: Why would Hayden’s wife be a Shayden believer?
Lily: because she is funny woman who would rather deny that she is in romantic relationship with pike
Jane: IDK if you’re more jealous of Jackie, Hayden, or me at this point.
Lily: is not jealousy. i am amused by your paternity drama🍿
Jane: THERE IS NO PATERNITY DRAMA!
Jane: Is that your latest word of the day? Who is teaching you this shit?
Lily: i have lived in america long enough to learn many english words
Jane: I am pretty sure that this is the longest conversation we’ve ever had that didn’t involve you trying to sext me.
Lily: i cannot sext while discussing pike. is like eating steak dinner next to port-a-potty🤢
Jane: Am I the steak or the port-a-potty?
Lily: you are delicious steak, hollander
Jane: That might be the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.
Lily: that is lie. i tell you that you have nice freckles, a tight hole, and the best mouth😈
Jane: There’s the real Rozanov.
PART 4: CARMICHAEL & PIKE + THE BOSTON BROS GROUP CHAT
Carmichael: hello hayden pike
Pike: hello ryan carmichael?
Carmichael: this is going to sound weird but would you happen to know if hollander has a secret baby?
Pike: i beg your pardon
Carmichael: have you not seen the article?
Pike: WHAT ARTICLE
Carmichael: [link]
Pike: …
Carmichael: well this is awkward
Pike: UNKNOWN FRIEND???? THAT WAS ME
Carmichael: to be fair, hammersmith did mention that only a fake fan would fail to recognize hollander’s left winger/bff
Pike: is your entire team discussing this??
Carmichael: just the cool kids: me, cap, marly, hammy, st. simon, and connors
Pike: of course. fuck my life
Carmichael: so this baby that hollander handed off to you wasn’t a shayden baby?
Pike: i just said “wtf is a shayden” out loud and now my wife is on the floor laughing so hard that she’s crying ????????
Carmichael: yes, part of the internet thinks that you and hollander are in a secret romantic relationship
Pike: I AM STRAIGHT AND MARRIED??
Carmichael: yes dude we know. relax. we just want to know whose baby it is
Pike: his name is arthur and he’s 100% my son with jackie. shane is just a good friend and took the baby so i could chase my twins
Carmichael: to clarify: the twins are also yours with jackie?
Pike: YES CARMICHAEL JESUS CHRIST
Carmichael: permission to report this back to my chat?
Pike: anything to stop the shayden rumors
Carmichael: will do bro. sorry you got dragged into this
Pike: fucking tabloids🙃
BOSTON’S BEST BROS💣🤑💯🍻
Carmichael: GUESS WHO GOT THE SCOOP
Hammersmith: it was a shayden baby wasn’t it
Roz: do you want your second day of bag skates back?
Hammersmith: 🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐
Connors: i can’t believe that pike actually answered
Carmichael: he didn’t even know about the article until i sent him the link
Marly: well that’s rough
St. Simon: you made it weird and brought up shayden didn’t you
Carmichael: i can neither confirm nor deny
Connors: this isn’t a fucking legal proceeding
Marly: imagine having to talk about shaydens under oath
Roz: can we just get to the paternity drama🍿
Carmichael: sorry. aquarium baby is “100%” pike’s son with his wife. cap was right, hollander grabbed the baby so that pike could chase his twins. he confirmed that the twins were also not shayden’s
Connors: still shocked that cap knows so much about pike’s family
Roz: marly spills the gossip from all of the WAG chats😂
St. Simon: of course marly is in the WAG chats
Marly: when you become the league matchmaker, there are perks!
Roz: it’s how i get info on everyone’s wives, girlfriends, and kids
Hammersmith: but remember the last team bbq when he asked if he needed to cut my daughter’s hot dog for her? she’s 12. he’s been to every single birthday party since he joined the team
Roz: I SAID I WAS SORRY HAMMY🥺 fine. no bag skates for you
Hammersmith: finally some elder respect
St. Simon: now can we put the shayden rumors to rest? so i never have to think about that unholy union again?
Marly: but what if those “fans” were just shaydens who were trying to get proof of their conspiracy🤔
Carmichael: omg holy shit dude
Hammersmith: so it was an act? they pretended that they didn’t know who pike is to keep the anti shaydens from debunking them?
Connors: we have a hot gossip scoop now don’t we😈
Roz: not unless you want conspiracy stan twitter and tumblr coming for us
St. Simon: how the fuck do you know about that part of the internet cap??? have you been on there???
Roz: what was phrase? i can neither confirm nor deny😏