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The lights in the restaurant were low, casting a warm glow across the room that felt cosy and intimate all at the same time. In the far corner the pianist played a gentle melody that carried easily, and the sounds of couples talking was punctuated with the chinks of crystal glasses and shared laughter.
The place was a nice middle-ground for the pair since their third date.
That date had been Anthony’s treat. He’d insisted on taking Asa somewhere fancy, which Asa had tried to tell him was ‘far too expensive’. Anthony was having none of it and told Asa he was worth every penny for the exchange of good company and quality time.
This date, however, was Asa’s chance to find out some more about the mysterious astrophysicist. Three dates had passed and he found himself hungry to know Anthony better. He hoped that he wasn’t trying to take things too fast. For all his life experience, Asa wasn’t the luckiest in love. Anthony was his first partner in quite a number of years, and the first to have gotten past the awkward early phases.
You see, Asa wasn’t one for technology, nor was he interested to learn. He loathed having to even have a smartphone, but life dictated the use of it, so he begrudgingly caved in. Dating apps and social media were a completely different kettle of fish. He was old fashioned. He preferred finding human connections. How could one do that through a screen? He couldn’t comprehend this idea of dating without really seeing the person. He couldn’t imagine gaining feelings for someone he’d never met. The very thought of it sent his heart skipping beats in the most terrifying way. What if, when they met, they weren’t who he thought? What if he wasn’t what they expected? It wasn’t something he was keen to do.
That didn’t mean he hadn’t tried.
Once he’d gotten his head around the use of smartphones and felt competent enough to go for such a thing, he downloaded some of these dating apps. Social media wasn’t his ballpark, and so he put that off for the time being. He had both Grindr and Tinder downloaded for a total of three weeks. In that time he’d received more dick pics than he could shake a stick at (and he could shake many sticks if he tried hard enough). That was off-putting in and of itself, but the final straw was being approached by a twenty something and being called a dilf—Asa found out after that this meant dad I’d like to fuck and had been quite disgusted by the vulgarity of the phrase, as well as being confused since he didn’t have children—before he was asked if he would like to ‘Netflix and chill’.
Asa promptly left the ridiculous conversation and deleted both apps, resolving to never try that trainwreck ever again.
And so he’d spent the best part of the last five years or so alone, meandering through life as he always did.
Then he met Anthony and his life was turned upside down quite abruptly.
He couldn’t quite believe his eyes when the stunning ginger strip of a man had entered the shop looking for a book on astrophysics. It had been wonderful, albeit nerve wrecking to be the one recommending him a book—although it had been Anthony’s own book. Asa had felt quite an idiot at that moment. Nevertheless, it smoothed out and now he found himself on a fourth date with him. He was absolutely giddy.
Sipping his glass of water (he wasn’t much for drinking these days) Asa fiddled with the ring on his little finger, glancing up at Anthony a few times. His tongue flicked out to quickly moisten his lips before he made eye contact. He felt his heart flutter in his chest and his stomach flip with the unmistakable feeling of butterflies. His cheeks pinkened and Anthony offered him a soft smile with a shy laugh as he caught the rosy tint.
“What’s got you all giddy this evening?” Anthony asked, leaning his elbows on the table, fingers laced together.
Asa cleared his throat, his Adam's apple bobbing as he swallowed. “Oh, you know, just… just enjoying the view, that’s all,” he said, his voice giving way to a small nervous tremble.
Anthony found it incredibly endearing. “Oh, what a coincidence because I am too.”
The pink hue grew stronger and Asa felt the heat building in his cheeks. He wasn’t quite sure how to accept compliments like this yet. It had been so long since someone had treated him with such genuine care and tenderness that this was foreign territory. It was much like being a teenager again, being so head over heels for someone.
Asa tugged at his collar before he sipped the water again, trying to regain his composure. “So, why don’t you tell me a bit more about yourself. Where did you grow up? I can’t help but notice the… the accent. Scottish, right?”
Holding his hands up in mock surrender, Anthony playfully replied, “Ah, you caught me. For my sins, yes, I’m Scottish.”
Immediately Asa cursed himself internally for phrasing it that way. Of course he’s Scottish, you idiot. That’s like pointing out he was ginger. Anyone could pick that up.
Mercifully, Anthony didn’t tease him about the question. “Born and raised in Glasgow.”
“Oh really? Where exactly?”
“Uh, Paisley.”
“Oh, lovely! Known for the weaving industry in the 19th century, I believe. And where we get the aptly named pattern of the same name—” Asa then cut himself off and realised he was going off on a tangent and likely boring Anthony. He cleared his throat. “Sorry. You were saying…” he added sheepishly.
Anthony chuckled and shook his head. “That’s alright,” he said and carried on. “Grew up there and moved when I finished university to teach. How about you?”
“Ah, I’ve lived in London all my life. Certainly haven’t had the most exciting life. I grew up in Islington and then moved here to Soho about ten years ago now.”
“What about your parents? Siblings?” Anthony asked, taking a drink of his wine. A dark red was his tipple of choice.
“No siblings I’m afraid. My mother was the owner of a patisserie. She opened it in the late sixties, early seventies. Had me.”
“A patisserie? She’s a baker then?”
“Oh, yes. Always did love a spot of baking. The house was always filled with the scent of biscuits and scones. Very sweet tooth she had. She’d always make cupcakes and things for when I got home from school,” Asa said with a fond smile on his lips.
“How long did she own the patisserie for?”
“Up until she retired really. Around forty years or so. It was her pride and joy. J-Just before she retired she hired a few more people to help out. Slowed down a little, bless her. She only worked three days a week when she retired, but she still loved it then. I think she was sad to let it go, really.” Asa frowned softly then leaned on the table, glancing down for a moment. He felt his heart sink in his chest a bit.
“Sounds like you’re very close to her.”
“I am—was,” Asa corrected. He continued to look down, tracing the pattern in the table cloth before he looked up and gave Anthony a strained smile. “She was fond of thinking and questioning things. I owe a lot to her, honestly.”
Anthony’s eyes narrowed a little. “Forgive me, but you keep saying ‘she was’, ‘she did’, ‘she had’. Is she—?” The question hung in the air between them, but the end of it didn’t need to be uttered. They both knew what he meant.
Asa swallowed against the lump in his throat as his eyes pricked and he nodded, lips pressed into a thin line.
This hit Anthony like a tonne of bricks and his eyes grew a little sombre—compassionate and sympathetic. He reached out and placed a gentle hand on top of Asa’s. “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that,” he said. He could see Asa struggling to keep it together, especially in the moments following this gesture.
Asa felt the warmth of Anthony’s hand on his and the pain in his chest bloomed, jabbing at him. He kept his mouth closed, lips pressed together, afraid that if he tried to say something he would crack.
Anthony could pick up on this immediately and rubbed his thumb over Asa’s knuckles soothingly. “It’s alright. Take all the time you need. We don’t have to talk,” his voice was soft and tender, offering comfort in a time of slight uncertainty. Navigating something like this was new and unusual, but he wasn’t going to shy away from it. This was Asa’s lived experiences and Anthony was going to accept them no matter what—sadness and all.
The minutes passed and they sat in a tentative, yet companionable silence. Asa was grateful to have someone there to share this moment of grief with. It was minuscule, but appreciated. The feeling that he had somebody just there, not pushing or questioning relentlessly, was safe. He felt secure.
A small breath came from Asa’s lips as the pressure in his chest eased, the emotions lulled and he was able to lift his eyes up to Anthony’s again. The look that met him was warm and he mustered a small smile that barely curled his lips upwards, and certainly couldn’t reach his eyes. He swallowed thickly.
“How long—?” Anthony asked quietly.
“Three years… still raw I’m afraid…” he trailed off, giving a watery laugh. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to bring the mood down. We were having a lovely evening and now…”
“Hey, no, you’ve nothing to apologise for,” Anthony reassured, squeezing Asa’s hand. “I want to get to know you. That means all of you… including the hard to talk about bits. We’re not spring chickens. Life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. You can be raw if you need to, and if you want space and quiet, that’s fine too.”
Asa nodded, feeling such relief at hearing that. “Thank you. Now, enough about me. What about you? Your parents, are they both—?”
“Alive? Yeah. My mom was a midwife actually,” Anthony said, offering some respite from the sadness.
“Oh? That certainly sounds rewarding. Your father?”
“He was a laborer most of his life. Had to take early retirement though. He got hurt pretty badly and now he suffers from arthritis. Has his hobbies though.”
“What does he like to do?”
“Makes and paints model aeroplanes mostly.” Anthony couldn’t help but chuckle as he said it.
“Ah, well, it’s nice to have a hobby isn’t it.” Asa smiled back gently. He was enjoying this date in spite of the sadness. He felt that Anthony was listening to him properly and that was a welcome change.
Anthony nodded and then tilted his head. “So…”
“So?” Asa looked at him like he’d done something wrong but didn’t know what.
“What about you? I know you lived in London all your life, but what else have you done? Have you always been a bookseller?”
“Oh.” Asa breathed out, relieved once more. “No, no, I um… used to be a teacher, actually.”
A wide smile spread on Anthony’s lips. “You did?”
“Mhm. I taught English as it happens. Predictable, I know.” Asa held his hands up in a placating gesture with a laugh.
Anthony laughed as well. “What age did you teach?”
“Secondary school.”
“Ooh, I don’t envy you. University is much easier.” Anthony finished his wine off and put the glass to the side, leaning forward more on the table to properly focus on Asa. “So, what made you give it up?”
“Well, truth be told, I got burnt out. All the marking, relentless hours, waking up at ridiculous times and getting home very late. Didn’t really leave much time for me. I loved it, I really did, but I… I was finding myself resenting things about it. So, I decided to prioritise myself for once. Left the job… and Derek asked if I wanted to work in the shop with him.” Asa bit down on his lip. “I gave it some thought and agreed on a part-time basis. Best of both worlds. It gave me something easygoing to do in the day, and I have more time for what I enjoy.”
“And what’s that exactly? What are Asa Fell’s hobbies?” Anthony asked.
“I believe it’s no surprise that I love reading. There aren’t many times you’ll catch me without my head in a book.” He then fiddled with the ring on his little finger again. “And I enjoy model railways. I have a room dedicated to one at home. Well, it’s rather more model railway than room at this point,” he said sheepishly and scratched his head.
“That’s good though. You do something you enjoy.”
“Mm, but it does make me sound like an eighty year old, doesn’t it?” Asa said and then immediately began to backtrack, realising it might have sounded a little like he was mocking people like Anthony’s father for enjoying such things. “N-Not that that’s a bad thing, of course.” He covered his mouth with his hand briefly.
Anthony realised that Asa was getting himself worked up and took his hand again. “You worry a lot about what others think, don’t you?”
Asa hesitantly laughed and nodded. “I can’t help it… My mother always told me to not worry about other people’s thoughts as well.”
“And she was right. You should be you. Not a curated version of you,” Anthony said and caught the saddened look in Asa’s eyes. “Your mother sounds like she was a wonderful person.”
“She was,” Asa confirmed and then rummaged in his jacket pocket, pulling out his wallet. He opened it and slid it across to Anthony. “That’s her. She was… about twenty in that photo.”
Anthony picked up the wallet and looked at the picture. The woman in it was elegant and clearly very put together. “Oh wow,” he said almost breathlessly. “She was a very beautiful woman.” He handed the wallet back.
“Quite remarkable really.”
“She must’ve been to teach you words like ‘squiffy’ and ‘scrumptious’.”
“Don’t forget tickety-boo,” Asa said with a point of his finger and a chuckle. “That was a particular favourite of hers.”
“Oh, of course, how could I forget something like that?” Anthony teased then smiled softly, his expression becoming more sincere. “You know, I’ve enjoyed tonight very much.”
“I have too,” Asa replied, grinning.
Anthony’s gentle brown eyes found Asa’s pretty blue ones and he felt something bloom in his stomach. A warmth in his core, spreading and making his chest feel fluttery. They were both leaning on the table, rather close to one another. Anthony’s fingers ran over Asa’s hand as he brought himself closer still.
Asa noticed their proximity and felt heat rising in his cheeks. The soft sounds of the restaurant around them fell away and all he could focus on was Anthony and his gorgeous eyes, his perfect lips—
“I wonder,” Asa whispered, “if I might kiss you?”
“You may…” Anthony whispered back.
Heart pounding and hands trembling, Asa leaned in and pressed his lips to Anthony’s, eyes closing blissfully.
Anthony reciprocated, pressing his lips back, giving gentle pecks to the bookseller.
The kisses were chaste, yet held enough tenderness in them to be sweet.
When Asa opened his eyes and pulled back, he was still grinning like a giddy schoolboy.
“Does this mean I get a fifth date?” Anthony asked.
“I rather think it does, dear,” Asa nodded.
“Shall we continue this elsewhere? Maybe with some wine?”
Asa’s eyes became half-lidded with desire. “Very tempting…”
“And?”
“Temptation very much accomplished.”