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"What if it makes you sad at me
And what if it makes you laugh now but you cry as you fall asleep
And what if it takes your breath and you can't hardly breathe
And what if it makes the last sound be the very best sound..." -Safetysuit, "What If"
You've done the timeline over at least threes times. You grew weaker each time. You could feel her breathing down your neck, just waiting until you were no longer able to fight her off. Every time you reset, whether you beat the shit out of Flowey and saved Asriel or not and made it- or didn't- to the surface, you did because you felt her trying to push you down deep into the caverns of your body. You hated having to hide things from everyone, especially Sans because you know he can see right through you. He knows how many times you've reset, how many you've started over. He can't understand what keeps pressing you to give up everything and do it all over again. Now, as you sit in a field of echo flowers at the edge of the water with Sans, you desperately hope you can finally find the words to answer that question.
"Hey, Kiddo..." Sans says, lifting a bony foot out of the water. "Can I ask you something?"
You tell Sans he can ask you anything. You give him a half-hearted smile.
"You're 16 now... You first came down here 8 years ago..." Sans observes, looking towards the echo flower behind the two of you.
You encourage Sans to just ask you the question, even if there's no good way to do so.
"Heh, I guess I should get to the point, huh?" Sans sighs, lazily kicking his legs in the water. "Why do you keep resetting? I mean, you even reset when we all make it back to the surface..."
You remain silent, staring at your reflection in the water's surface. You're not sure how to explain it. You're not entirely sure who she is either so it's hard to say whether it's some morbid curiosity you're fighting or an entirely different person's soul that wants the opposite of what yours wants.
"What are ya thinkin'?" Sans asks, seeming unsure of his question.
You tell Sans that you're not entirely sure what it is that pushes you to reset everything. You don't say anything more for fear that he may take things the out of context and come to his own conclusions if you explain further. Before he can ask anything else, you tell him that you have to go. There's a friend waiting that may not be there if you don't leave now. Sans watches you with a nervous look as you leave. You feel your eyes burn and water. Then it happens, the hot wax that is your tears come cascading down your face.
You take a deep breath and wipe the tears from your face as the door comes into view. You grab the handle, wondering if it'll be him or just some memory of him. It's hard to say which times you'll get him, but you really hope this run through will be kind to you and let you see him. You open the door and enter, letting the door close on its own. You look at the glitched, spectral figure before you and pray to the universe that it's him.
You greet Gaster warmly. He seems to startle and then fade of existence. The tears crash down into your hands as you drop to your knees and sob.
"What if what I want makes you sad at me
And is it all my fault or can I fix it please
Cause you know that I'm always all for you
Cause you know that I'm always all for you..." -Safetysuit, "What If"
You needed it to be him because only he could possibly understand what you're going through. You cry for what seems like hours but in actuality is only about 5-10 minutes. You manage to pull yourself together and clean up your face a bit. You take another deep breath- in,2,3 and out, 2,3- and exit the room. You don't even acknowledge Sans as he stands next to his gag telescope, but you feel his gaze burning holes of curiosity and concern into your back. You feel your resolve slipping further with added stress of having your one true confidant missing in action. You can practically feel her waking up again, so you run. You had already left a note explaining what you couldn't bring yourself to say to his face under his bedroom door.
"What if it makes you lose faith in me, what if it makes you question every moment you cannot see
And what if it makes you crash and you can't find the key
What if it makes you ask how you could let it all go
What if what I want makes you sad at me
And is it all my fault or can I fix it please
Cause you know that I'm always all for you
Cause you know that I'm always all for you..."-Safetysuit, "What If"
............
"And if this be our last conversation
If this be the last time that we speak for a while
Don't lose hope and don't let go
Cause you should know..."-Safetysuit, "What If"
You cringe in horror at the montage of memories of swirling dust. All of those ashes the remains of the monsters you had loved, helped, and freed. Only to have it all ripped away by a stupid mistake you made as a naive little kid 9 years ago. Now, you and her stand in the judgment hall, facing Sans with Papyrus's tainted scarf around his neck.
"It's a beautiful day outside... flowers are blooming, birds are singing... On days like this, kids like you should be burning in hell." Sans spits, his left pupil glowing an ominous luminescent blue.
Sans attacks first. You and her easily dodge it. She forces the two of you to lunge at him. You thank the universe that he dodges it. The pattern continues, the intensity increasing with each attack. You're pretty beat up, only 12 HP left, and only two items left.
You just want it all to stop.
When she forces you to lunge forward again, you muster every last bit of strength you have. You drop the knife and ball your fists in his jacket. Tears are streaming from your bloodshot eyes as you cry.
"Have mercy." You breath before she can force you away.
His eye sockets are fully open with alarm and rage. He gives it his all. The Gaster Blasters are tag teaming you-8 HP. the bones are raining down from above and jutting up from the ground- 4 HP. Finally, you fall back dodging a bone and get one to the right side of your rib cage-1 HP.
As you lay on the ground, sobbing and groaning in agony, fighting her demand to heal, it happens.
Sans kneels next to your body as you gasp and choke on your own blood. The jagged bones sticking out of your battered body. He's crying as he looms over you, brushing the hair from your torn up face. You finally open your eyes to allow him to see that it's you, your sad blue, endless oceans reflecting back up at him as you drown in the remnants of her crimson flood of brutality. The tears that stream down your face are ones of joy and relief that the nightmare is finally over. You smile as best as you can muster while Sans stares down at you.
"I'm sparin' ya, kiddo..." Sans whispers, his voice wavering and choked.
Your soul rises from your body, as does her shell of a soul. Before she can get the chance to corrupt him, it races into his hands. He absorbs you and sobs, using one of his blasters to eliminate her last remnants.
"If it makes you sad
If it makes you sad at me
Then it's all my fault and let me fix it please
Cause you know that I'm always all for you
Cause you know that I'm always all for you
What if what I want makes you sad at me
And if it's all my fault then let me fix it please
Cause you know that I'm always all for you
Cause you know that I'm always all for you." -Safetysuit, "What If"