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It’s 2:37am in Moscow when Ilya’s phone buzzes with several texts from an unknown number. He hadn’t even given sleep a fighting chance yet, propped up in bed, sipping on a tumbler of vodka and scrolling Twitter on his phone. He sees them right away.
(Unknown): Hey, this is Scott Hunter.
Ilya chokes on his vodka.
I got your number from Vaughnie.
I heard about your father and wanted to offer my condolences.
Wow
Tell Vaughn his number privileges have been revoked
But thank you
Come on, Rozanov.
I’m serious, I’m sorry for your loss.
Not much of a loss
Jeez.
Ilya sighs. Too honest then. Hunter is always so fucking earnest. It’s painful. Well, in for a penny, and the vodka loosens his thumbs.
He had dementia
Was slow, but not a surprise
Ah.
God, that’s rough, I’m sorry man.
Is ok Hunter
Will be easier now I think
Before waiting for a reply, a thought occurs to Ilya, and the late hour and liquor chase it.
Do you have any siblings
?
No.
Does it ever get easier
Not having siblings?
No
Having no family left
Oh.
So you know about me then.
Yes
Read about it online long time ago
Very sad
Yeah.
Um, so your mom?
Dead
God.
Sorry.
When?
I was 12
Oh. Me too.
Yes, back in prehistoric times
Fuck off, Rozanov.
Feels like another life, right?
But also like yesterday
Exactly.
It’s hard to believe that I got to live 12 years with them sometimes.
It felt so short.
Not enough time, no
Ilya thinks of his beautiful mother. Her sweeping joy and immense sadness. He can’t imagine what it would have been like to get to grow up with her. What would she think of his career? Would she be proud of the man he’s become? Or would he have become a different man entirely, with her there by his side? He may never have left Russia, stayed in the KHL to keep close to her, shelter her from Grigori’s wrath as best he could. It could have been a good life, or maybe not. There’s no way to know.
So does it get easier
Yes and no.
It’s the exact answer Ilya was expecting.
At first it was all about putting one foot in front of the other.
Just figuring out how to get by day by day.
Now, it’s more subtle.
It comes up when you least expect it, like you suddenly remember that everyone around you has parents and siblings and people that are looking out for them.
It’s weird to be the only one left.
Especially during family skate and holidays, things like that.
The guys are really good about it though, especially Vaughnie.
Do the guys in Boston know?
About my father, yes
They know I’m in Moscow, why I’m here
I’ll be back in a couple days
That’s fast.
Are you sure you don’t need more time?
Trying to tamper, old man?
I will tattle to Crowell
Fuck off, Rozanov.
I’m serious.
It’s a big adjustment.
Becoming an orphan?
Well.
Yeah.
I think I will be ok
Hockey will help
Clear my head
If you’re sure.
It’s ok to not be ok, you know?
God Hunter you sound like after school special
Fuck off, you brat!
That gets a genuine chuckle from Ilya.
Ok sorry Hunter
Won’t be mean to you as a fellow orphan
Jesus.
I don’t think about that word much.
I know it’s true, but it just feels so final, like that’s all I’ll ever be.
Hell, I’m an adult, does it even count anymore?
Yes, oldest man in the world
Knew you didn’t have it in you to stop being a dick.
You just make it too easy
But you are right, I am an adult
So barely an orphan then
That’s not what I meant.
I got called an orphan a lot as a kid.
It doesn’t happen much now, and it’s been so long that I mostly don’t associate with it anymore.
But if it’s what it feels like to you, then that’s fine.
Do you play therapist for all the players or am I special?
Only the real headcases.
So just you.
Another chuckle. Fuck, maybe old man Hunter isn’t actually the worst. And it is weird that they now have this in common. Ilya wonders how many other guys in the league have dead parents. Is that something he could Google?
Is mean to bully a grieving man
I will tell the internet Scott Hunter is mean
Picking on poor orphans
Rozanov, you own cars worth more than my apartment!
Ok is true
Picking on rich orphans
Ilya considers his options. He could actually try to get some sleep. He could stay awake teasing Hunter, and maybe actually get some advice on how to go on being a human with no family to tether him. He could jerk off picturing Shane in his glasses.
Hunter decides for him.
Good luck with that.
But seriously, Rozanov.
This is a club no one wants to join.
It sucks, and our jobs make it hard enough to navigate living the way we do, always on the road.
Most guys have their families as a kind of anchor, someplace to come home to.
I’m sure you still have plenty of people looking out for you, but if you ever need anything, you have my number.
Are you trying to adopt me Hunter
Be my new daddy???
There is something seriously wrong with you.
That is not no!!!
I knew it
I am the son you always dreamed of
Christ.
If I ever have kids, I hope they’re nothing like you.
Liar
You want a son just like me
Beautiful, best at hockey
Can redeem your terrible legacy
Watch it, kid.
We’re leading the league in goal percentage.
Benny’s been a brick wall.
It’s our year, I can feel it.
Hmmm we will see
I will be back soon
Don’t get comfortable
It takes a second to register, but then Ilya reads the messages back.
You don’t know if you want kids?
Uh.
I don’t know.
I haven’t given it much thought.
Why, do you?
Of course
I mean
I think so
What makes you hesitate?
The night has already gotten away from him. Hunter is easier to talk to than he expected, and he’s finished his vodka. Ilya might as well stretch the muscles of honesty.
My father
He was not a kind man
I would not want to be like him
Ah. Got it.
I mean, that’s a choice though, right?
Like, if you want to be a good dad, you can just decide to.
Maybe
He was always so angry
Never happy with anything
I don’t know why
What makes someone like that
I don’t want it to happen to me
Make me mean, even to children
I think you’re good, man.
People like that are mean because they’re unhappy with their life.
Your life is probably a million times better than your old man’s was.
Is true, I am sexy, rich celebrity
Anyone with brain would want my life
Right.
You’ll be fine.
Although I can’t imagine anyone ever wanting to have kids with you.
You lie Hunter
So many women have tried to trap me with babies
Have had to be very careful with rubbers
Gross.
Come on Hunter
I’m sure they do to you too
Rich hockey player
Fancy New York apartment
Quite the catch
Fuck off, Rozanov.
Some of us aren’t whoring around in our free time.
Ah sad
That’s why you are so cranky
Need to get laid
Fuck you, I do just fine.
Sorry I’m not interested in women who would try to use me for child support.
I’ll leave them to you.
Ilya thinks of the last time he slept with a woman. It’s been at least six months. Probably longer. He had tried plenty, back when Shane was with Rose, but it never satisfied the hunger, and he always ended up alone, drinking himself into a stupor instead. He’s probably permanently ruined, his heart and dick beating only for one man. Ilya wonders what Hunter would think if he knew.
Why thank you Hunter
Is very generous
But I would not have children with a woman like this
No?
It kind of seems like your style.
Rude
No, when I have children it will be perfect
They will have everything they need
And I will never leave them
Fuck.
Yeah.
I want that too.
Ilya could never have imagined he’d have so much in common with Hunter. The shared pain, the fragile hope of a future family that could make them whole. Maybe fatherhood will fix them, these lost boys left to fend for themselves in the wilds of locker rooms and sheets of ice that shined like glass. Against all odds, they did alright.
Ilya resolves to be at least 10% nicer to Hunter the next time they play each other. It’s not much, but it’s the best he can offer. He’s never learned to have a brother in any way that counts. He’d die before he admitted to anyone the kinship budding in his chest.
Time for bed.
You will be a good father someday
And your kids will never be sad like us
But if you ever mention this conversation to anyone
I will kill you before they leave your old wrinkled balls
Jesus Christ.
Seriously, headcase.
Get some sleep, Rozanov.
Goodnight, grandpa <3
Ilya finally puts down his phone. Maybe he will sleep, maybe he won’t. Maybe he’ll dream about having impossible children with an impossible man. Maybe he will wake up tomorrow feeling slightly less alone in the world. Maybe that is enough for now.