Archive of Our Own

There were a lot of things in Luca Haas’ life that his team didn’t know about. They didn’t know about the rotation of three pints of ice cream in his freezer, or the name of the person he was always texting, or that he had secret Tumblr and AO3 accounts almost solely dedicated to the relationship between two of their teammates.

There were a few close calls when he was a rookie and hadn’t realized how involved this team was where someone had peaked over his shoulder and asked him what the red and white website was when he was reading on his phone during a long plane trip. He didn’t make that mistake again.

Now, in his second year, he had settled into the team. Shane Hollander had joined—something that the hockey side of Tumblr had gone crazy over, and everything was starting to click into place. The Centaurs were well on their way to clinching a playoff spot, he was on the powerplay line with Rozanov, Hollander, and Bood, and he was learning how to live with the homesickness that had overwhelmed him his first year.

“Hey, Luca,” Harris said, jogging a little to catch up. “Wait a second.”

He turned, tilting his head. They had just finished practice and were heading back to the locker to change before he had plans with Oliver for the first time in a month. “What’s up?”

“Someone has a date with the social media team tomorrow,” he said in a sing-song voice. “It’s not too much of a commitment, just a silly one with you and Young. It shouldn’t take more than an hour, two if you two goof off.”

Luca grimaced. Despite being in a very televised sport, he didn’t love doing social media. Being in a sea of others in the same uniform during a team sport was very different from being put in front of a camera. “Do I have to?”

Harris winced sympathetically. “Unfortunately. But you’ll be fine. We’ll edit out whatever you don’t like.” When Luca’s face didn’t change, he added, “And I’ll make sure Holmberg and LaPointe have to do something embarrassing for the next one.”

That got him laughing. “Actually, that does help. Pointy has been complaining so much about Bergy’s mess in their apartment. They would deserve it.”

“It’s funny how everyone thinks you’re so innocent,” he chuckled. “I could tell you have a bit of a mean streak.”

“What? Me? Never. Who said that?”

“Yeah, yeah. Go shower. All you hockey players stink.”

Luca attempted to give Harris a hug just for that, much to his horror.

“Hey guys,” Wyatt started, “look at this.” 

A few curious heads turned to look at what’s on his phone. Luca’s skates weren’t cooperating, so he didn’t look up immediately. A few players drifted over to look at whatever Wyatt was showing them.

“What’s ‘Hollanov’?” Dykstra asked, and Luca felt his heart drop immediately but still didn’t look up, now out of an attempt at self-preservation.

“It’s what people call Roz and Hollzy in a relationship, apparently.”

This felt like the start to one of his stress-induced nightmares.

“Oh yes. I know this. They tweet this all of the time,” Ilya cheerfully said. “They say very creative things, sometimes.”

It would be a great time for the ceiling to cave in right now. That did not happen. 

“Should I remind everyone that puck drop is in fact in an hour?” Shane said wryly, several people boo-ed him.

“It’s literally just Vancouver. I could shut them out with my eyes closed,” Wyatt dismissed. “But look. I hadn’t realized there were so many people that were interested in writing fanfic about them.”

Oh my god. Luca actually had to take a skate to his neck. There was no fucking way this was his life right now. He finally looked up from his skates to see the rest of the locker room huddled around Wyatt’s tiny phone screen. Between Dykstra and LaPointe he was able to catch a silver of a red and white screen. With a very familiar summary on it.

His parents and sisters had a good twenty years with him. They would be fine. It was too late for them to get another son but his oldest sister was planning on having kids soon—maybe this one would be a boy and they wouldn’t even remember him. Luca Haas, 2000-2021, died from killing himself out of embarrassment of AO3 being brought up in the locker room.

“Haasy, you okay?” Holmberg asked. “Your face is kinda red.”

“Oh. I’m fine,” he said casually. Or at least he attempted to say it casually; he wouldn’t be able to say how it actually came out. “It’s just a little hot in here. I think I will go try to find something to cool me down.”

He stumbled out of the locker room, much to everyone’s bemusement. His skate guards were still on and while walking with them on wasn’t particularly difficult normally, he was trying to reconcile his 16 year old self who wrote many, many, Hollanov fanfics with his nearly 21 year old self that had to see one of his old works on the screen of his teammate’s phone.

Oh my god. 

He pulled up his chat with his classmate-turned-RPF stan friend from Zurich. She would definitely be awake.

Luca Haas & Emma Meyer:

Luca: oh my god i need to kill myself

Emma: hello???

Luca: oh my god

Luca: who let me get drafted to ottawa

Luca: i always knew i would die early but i didn’t realize it was this early

Emma: like i feel like you’re probably overreacting

Emma: aren’t you supposed to be at practice right now?

Luca: forget practice

Luca: why do i look up in the locker room to see our goalie HAVE AO3 UP ON HIS PHONE

Luca: WITH MY FIC UP

Emma: …

Emma: LMAOOOOOO

Emma: this is actually so funny

Emma: i wish someone was recording that so i could see

Luca: ☹️☹️☹️

Emma: it’s literally fine they’re not going to know it’s you

Emma: unless you reacted weird

Emma: oh my god you definitely reacted weird

Luca: IMAGINE IF IT WAS YOU

Emma: well luckily i’m not a hockey player so 🤷

Luca: it’s like you hate me

Emma: no i just think your life is very interesting

Emma: like what do you mean the biggest hollanov fanboy gets drafted to the nhl and then happens to play on the same team as the nov in hollanov and then they get outed and and then the holla joins and you are just there like 🧍

Luca: …i’m hiring an etsy witch

Luca: you’ll start coughing in three days

Emma: OH MY GOD

Emma: dramatic ass bitch

Luca wished he could tell his fourteen year old self that he stopped reading fanfiction before bed. That, as an adult, he brushed his teeth and took out his contacts every night, didn’t go on any screens an hour before bed, ate a normal amount of ice cream, and maybe read a classic novel before bed to wind down. Like an adult. 

His fourteen year old self would just have to live with the fact that at nearly twenty one years of age he still read his fics before bed to relax. (That he also sometimes forgot to brush his teeth and take out his contacts and fell asleep on his phone and ate way too much ice cream was true but besides the point.)

He hadn’t read any Hollanov fanfic since joining the team—it felt too weird reading about someone he knew in real life, especially when he knew exactly how wrong it was. It wasn’t all terrible. He got to get more into his other fandoms, although those were between him and his AO3 history. It was definitely fun, but sometimes he missed the community in the niche of hockey RPF. He stopped posting once he got to Ottawa too, announcing that he was stepping back from Tumblr and instead just lurked to see what others were posting. 

A little voice in the back of his head quietly creeped up on him. Luca often had a front row seat—sometimes literally—to the arguments and affection between Hollander and Rozanov. He knew what they were like and their little quirks. It had been quite a while since he had written his last fic, but if he got back into it, he would have extremely accurate characterization. Also there would be at least one fic out there that had an accurate representation of what happened in locker rooms. Some of these writers were too generous with their portrayals, honestly.

Almost without realizing it, his iPad was opened up to a fresh screen in the app he used for drawing. Just jotting down a few ideas wouldn’t hurt, would it?

2 plus 2 equals 5:

Haas: guys

Haas: video games and snacks and smoke

Young: I feel like we shouldn’t be getting high the night before a game

Haas: everyone boo young

Holmberg: booo 

LaPointe: BOOOO

Haas: booooo 👎

Haas: 🍅🍅🍅

Young: bruh wtf

LaPointe: yeah i’m down honestly

LaPointe: also it’s literally an evening game?? we’ll be fine trust

Holmberg: plus against Buffalo? we literally got that shit fr

Young: LP you don’t even smoke tf??

LaPointe: okay and?

LaPointe: god forbid a man supports his teammate

Young: and bergy your weed hangovers last like two days

Luca Haas has removed Adam Young from 2 plus 2 equals 5

Haas: be over at 8

The plane ride to their next game was several hours, and it was the perfect opportunity to get a few sketches in. While Luca preferred traditional paper, he had to adapt to the light packing that travel necessitated. Of course this just prompted the team—and the internet—to up the iPad kid jokes. While everyone passed around the iPad on the bench, the Centaur’s social media team (fuck you Harris) loved to put the younger players front and center to encourage the iPad kid jokes. But since Luca was the only one who actually used one outside of that context…

Luckily everyone else was preoccupied. Shane and Ilya were in the back of the plane cuddled up, like usual, and Dykstra, Bood, and Chouinard were all napping. Probably trying to catch up on whatever sleep they didn’t get with babies at home. Bergy and Pointy were playing some Switch game, and Hazy and Troy were engrossed in a conversation. 

He had the roughest sketch of a Hollanov request he had gotten on his Tumblr when he heard shifting behind him, then, “What are you drawing?” Fucking Boyle, oh my god. 

Luca had never flipped his iPad over so quickly. “Um.”

And, of fucking course, this got Young’s attention. “Oh? What kind of shit were you drawing, Haasy?”

He actually needed to kill himself because no, of course he wouldn’t learn from his mistake of having AO3 open. And actually it was probably completely normal to draw the people around you, so that reaction would just lead to more questions that would lead to more curiosity and oh my god, he actually needed to retire already. He had already made the playoffs once, that could be enough excitement for him.

“Oh is Haasy drawing naked dudes again?” Holmberg said far too loudly, and Luca could feel his face burning up. No doubt he was resembling a fire truck, at this point.

“No, of course not!”

“Haasy’s doing what?” Hayes asked, and this was actually awful.

“Actually kill me now,” he muttered, putting his face in his hands.

“Guys, leave Luca alone,” Barrett said, and thank God. At least someone was on his side. “If he wants to draw naked men, let him do it in peace.” No, he spoke too soon. Troy could die with the rest of his fuck-ass team.

“The next person who wakes me up again is going to get boarded in every single practice for the rest of the season,” Bood scowled uncharacteristically. Normally he was one of the more cheery guys on the team, but right now his eyes were bleary and he looked exhausted. Everyone had the decency to at least look a little ashamed.

“Sorry,” Boyle winced. “The newborn phase is tiring.”

The responding glare was answer enough.

For once, the team get-together was being held at Shane and Ilya’s place instead of Bood’s. Of course, this made sense considering the newborn and the extra work that Bood and Cassie would have to do, but Luca would never question any circumstances that led to him being in their house.

If anyone asked him, he would say that he had gotten over the hero worship. Yeah, it’s great being on a team with them and it’s amazing to play with the people you grew up looking up to, but they’re definitely still human, he would say. 

He would be lying, of course. Luca had definitely not gotten over the hero worship (despite chirping Ilya about being old) and they almost didn’t seem to be human (there was no way they didn’t have some sort of telepathic bond with each other, on and off the ice). Still, he was brave and strong and capable, and so he continued to play hockey and talk with them almost normally.

“How’s it going, Luca?” Harris said, flopping down on the outdoor couch next to him. “Any news?”

Luca eyed him suspiciously, the alcohol loosening him up enough to make the expression very visible on his face. “Are you building up to saying I have to do more social media this week?”

He laughed loudly. “No, no. You guys are all free for the next month. Well. Except Ilya and Wyatt, but I feel like they won’t mind very much.”

That allowed him to relax at least a little bit. “Okay, good.” He took a sip of whatever drink Chouinard had put into his hand. It tasted good, so he didn’t ask too many questions.

“I do have to say though, you should consider upping your social media posting. Just on your official Instagram, a bit.”

Luca groaned internally. “I already post a lot on Instagram. And Tiktok. And Tumblr.” And oh, that last one was not supposed to slip out. Maybe being on his fourth drink wasn’t a great idea. “Um.” Maybe nobody was minding the kitchen and he could find a knife that would make things quick and painless?

Harris cackled. “Oh my god, of course you’re a Tumblr kid. Holy shit. Oh, I bet you were on AO3 too!”

“Keep your fucking voice down!” Luca hissed. “Holy fucking shit. You’re louder than Bergy, oh my god.”

“Is this why Troy asked me what AO3 was a few weeks ago?”

He rolled his eyes. “No, Hazy brought it up in the locker room. Believe me, I would not introduce the team to that. Ilya would be insufferable about it, and I do not want to put in a transfer request this early.”

“Honestly, fair.” They sat in silence while Luca tried to brainstorm the easiest ways that he could retire and move to fucking Antarctica without suspicions. “What’s your username? No, come back! I just want to know!”

Luca Haas & Emma Meyer:

Luca: because why does my social media manager know that i have tumblr and ao3

Emma: genuinely do you know how to shut the fuck up HOW DOES HE KNOW THIS 😭

Luca: IT’S NOT EVEN MY FAULT I WAS DRUNK

Emma: dude i think you need to fake your death and move back to switzerland or something 💀

Luca: literally thinking up ideas rn

Luca: luca haas, right winger, gone too soon 

Emma: dramatic ass bitch

Luca: you literally told me to fake my death??

Emma: and you agreed? are we both just stating the obvious??

Luca: 🙄

Luca: literally why am i friends with you

Emma: idk tbh 

Emma: the swag gap is so big you needed to move to fuckass ottawa

Luca: fuck OFF

At the end of the day, the way the internet found out wasn’t through Harris posting his username on every Centaurs account, or him drunk posting about his time on Tumblr, or even someone who knew his real first name and birthday and the fact that he played hockey connecting it to the MLH player Luca Haas.

No, at the end of the day it was two girls, no older than 16, in the stands right by the penalty box who had a poster that read: HOLLANOV BELIEVERS SINCE 2011 🌈

With the AO3 logo on it.

Which would have been fine if it hadn’t caught Luca so off-guard when he was sent there for a bullshit tripping penalty in the second period that he fell over. Onto the floor. In front of thousands of fans and many, many cameras that captured the exact moment and cause of probably the most humiliating moment of his entire MLH career. 

It was too bad he couldn’t have broken his neck on the way down. At least then he wouldn’t have had to deal with the internet and locker room bullshit that followed.

olivia 🌷 @myshilyas
Luca Haas I know what you are
💬 96 🔄 935 ❤️ 1.8k

delilah @hollanovstan2481
poor luca 😭 because WDYMMM your ao3 (and probs tumblr and rpf past) is exposed because you fell over from shock IN FRONT OF THOUSANDS OF FANS and now the entire internet knows you used to ship your current coworkers 💀💀💀
💬 210 🔄 2.1k ❤️ 6.2k

Vanessa 🍁 @hollanovtwofoureightone
Replying to @hollanovstan2481
i mean you didn’t have to summarize everything but now that you did why is it actually so funny 😭😭😭
💬 184 🔄 428 ❤️ 1.8k

sadie 💕 @hollanovsdaughter
Replying to @hollanovstan2481
i think i would actually have to fake my death and then actually do it
💬 1.1k 🔄 2.8k ❤️ 1.4k

ryan @hollanovtruther
just a reminder that rpf shouldn’t be brought up to the actual people in question?? like yes it’s funny that luca haas was so shocked and probably revealed something that he didn’t mean to but if this was ANY other team he could be facing real consequences from the MLH and in the locker room
💬 847 🔄 3.1k ❤️ 4.2k

ryan @hollanovtruther
Replying to @hollanovtruther
like i think we’re forgetting that the MLH is THE MOST homophobic and conservative sport still, even with the amount of out gay players we have now there’s still so many teams that consistently are using slurs on and off ice
💬 584 🔄 2.4k ❤️ 3.8k

sean 🏒 @puckmedown
Replying to @hollanovtruther
no fr like he’s definitely on the best team for this to happen but still like we don’t know what goes on in that locker room regardless? they’re still hockey players smh
💬 424 🔄 1.8k ❤️ 3.1k

raina @converselacedup
are we surprised that the artsy gay boy that’s literally 20 grew up on tumblr?? like do we have eyes or not
💬 364 🔄 1.5k ❤️ 2.7k

kallie @kalliopespen
this is actually the funniest thing to happen to the MLH since the goalie fight era
💬 123 🔄 492 ❤️ 917

missy @roselandryslover
never would i have thought that RPF would have broken into the mainstream but here we are ig??
💬 716 🔄 3.2k ❤️ 4.1k

anne @hollanovsthird
wait i think i might have been mutuals with him?? wtf (and no i will not be leaking his user because that would be cartoon villain evil and i think he may take himself out fr if i do)
💬 2.4k 🔄 4.6k ❤️ 8.3k

matthew @hollandersleftfreckles
omg wait i KNEW i recognized his art style omfg
💬 636 🔄 3.1k ❤️ 4.5k

Ilya Rozanov ✔️ @IlyaRozanov81
Of course we are not surprised our son loves us? We are his biological dads?
💬 183k 🔄 621k ❤️ 975k

Harris 🏳️‍🌈 ✔️ @droverapplecider
Replying @IlyaRozanov81
Ilya I need you to find the button that says “Log Out” and click it please thank you!!
💬 4.9k 🔄 11.2k ❤️ 13.3k

Troy Barrett ✔️ @Barrett17Hockey
Replying @IlyaRozanov81
Istg Rozanov it’s like you want my boyfriend to constantly be stressed
💬 53k 🔄 51k ❤️ 102k

Wyatt Hayes ✔️@HayesGoalieMLH
Replying @IlyaRozanov81
if we have to do another media training session because of you
💬 237k 🔄 491k ❤️ 774k

Luca Haas ✔️ @haasy11
Replying @IlyaRozanov81
tell your husband he’s going to need a new right wing
💬 295k 🔄 471k ❤️ 782k

Harris 🏳️‍🌈 ✔️ @droverapplecider
Replying @haasy11
Luca please call me!!
💬 4.9k 🔄 11.2k ❤️ 13.3k

Troy Barrett ✔️ @Barrett17Hockey
Replying @haasy11
Luca you’re next on my hit list
💬 56k 🔄 51k ❤️ 113k

Pop News! @PopNewsUpdates
Breaking News! Hockey player Luca Haas (#11) been EXPOSED for SCANDALOUS social media accounts from his teenage years—will he continue his career or quit under the pressure? (link)
💬 71k 🔄 60k ❤️ 529k

emma @emmalinemeyer
Replying @PopNewsUpdates
so like actually what is this headline?? you guys have been trashy for years but this is actually ridiculous. you have no sources, no real information, and nothing to back up your headline? libel against people who make millions of dollars is such an interesting choice when lawsuits are so easy!!
💬 3.8k 🔄 22k ❤️ 12.1k

richard @RichardWL
Replying @emmalinemeyer
Why are we defending millionaires? I promise you he’s fine he can cry about it in his mansion. Or maybe he should’ve thought about the consequences.
💬 419 🔄 295 ❤️ 318

emma @emmalinemeyer
Replying @RichardWL
this you? (image description: screenshot of the twitter account @RichardWL tweeting a disparaging statement against a politician of color using derogatory racial language.)
💬 2.4k 🔄 11.1k ❤️ 15k

Luca Haas & Emma Meyer:

Luca: guys is it too late to kill myself

Emma: like

Emma: yes

Emma: also we have a suicide pact and it would be kinda hard to coordinate from switzerland to canada

Luca: i knew i would regret that in the future

Emma: …

Emma: but like are you actually good?

Emma: some of the comments online are kinda crazy

Luca: oh yeah that’s fine

Luca: hockey people are not forgiving at all about anything

Luca: i don’t even really interact with that space online if i’m honest

Emma: okay that’s good

Emma: how’s your team?

Luca: oh my god they’re so nosy but also weirdly supportive? genuinely the strangest group of people

Luca: they want me to share my writing because “it’s important to support each others’ hobbies” and “we care about what you like to do”

Luca: like no you actually cannot read the smut i wrote at 17 about OUR TEAMMATES

Emma: LMAOOO

Emma: this is actually hilarious

Emma: at least you’re not getting hatecrimed tho?

Luca: …i would take it over whatever the fuck is happening in that locker room

Emma: 💀💀💀

Maybe this was the AO3 curse finally catching up to him. Luca had had too much good luck in his life while writing fics—getting drafted, becoming friends with Emma, hanging out with his teammates while playing hockey—and now it was finally his time. He could picture his author’s note if he was still writing fics. Hey guys! Sorry for the late update, but I was busy dealing with the PR fallout of having my RPF past being blasted all over Twitter because I’m a professional hockey player and now everyone knows that I used to ship and write smut about my childhood crushes and idols who are now the captain and assistant captain of my professional hockey team! 

His life was fucking over.

2 plus 2 equals 5:

Holmberg: so when are we getting the links??

Haas: literally kill yourself

LaPointe: 👀🍿

Young: you haven’t seen him at 2am when he’s hating on the upstairs guests in a hotel guys

Young: keep yourselves safe

Haas: 🔪🔪🔪

this censhouse is a censHOME:

Hayes: so…

Chouinard: Great weather we’re having outside

Bood: It would be so fun to have some light reading (3 people liked this message)

Young: you guys just looove tempting fate

Haas: we literally play a sport with knives on our feet i know you aren’t talking

Rozanov: No DNA test needed, he’s Shane’s son

LaPointe: 🍿 (2 people laughed at this message)

Holmberg: 🍿

Haas: you two can’t fight for shit don’t even test me

Haas: whoever helps them is getting the same treatment

Hollander: I’ve never threatened to kill my teammates?

Rozanov: Not in public 😉 (4 people disliked this message)

Hollander: Ilya.

Barrett: Can we please keep all of this off of Twitter

Barrett: Or else Haas is going to get an accomplice and I would really like to be out of jail for my wedding (4 people questioned this message)

Rozanov: WEDDING?

Barrett: In the undetermined future (1 person disliked this message)

Rozanov: Booo, you tease

Hollander: Literally who is teaching you these things, oh my God

Hayes: I feel like we lost the plot of this conversation

Hayes: Haasy this is probably the least scandalous scandal in MLH history

Bood: Yeah kid, you’re fine

Holmberg: so fine and you love us so much and you want to share your writing with your amazing team

Haas: LP start looking for a new roommate (3 people laughed at this message)

Holmberg: 😰

Luca Haas ✔️ @haasy11
Yes, I was on Tumblr; no, I will not answer any questions. Stop asking. (image description: a digital drawing in his classic art style of Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov holding hands at their wedding).
💬 325k 🔄 533k ❤️ 812k