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“Hey, Tsukki.”
“Yeah, Yamaguchi?”
“I’m probably never gonna end up with you, aren’t I?”
Ten words.
Yamaguchi said a total of ten words and Kei didn’t know what to do with them. He could have asked Yamaguchi, “What makes you say that?” Five words. And maybe Yamaguchi could have told him that he wasn’t sure Kei would like him back, or that he thought Kei wasn’t into kissing other boys. Kei could have gone for the kill and kissed Yamaguchi on the lips so hard that he’d never doubt, even for one second, that Kei does like him back and has thought of kissing other boys except, all those other boys had always been him. Kei could’ve told him, “No. You could totally end up with me. If that’s what you want. Because it’s also what I want, Yamaguchi. You’re so brave for being able to say it, all of the things I’m not.”
But Kei never did any of those things. He could have but he didn’t. What he did instead was freeze up and ask Yamaguchi, “What are you talking about?” Five words. And Yamaguchi looked back at him in pain and humiliation and regret, before hiding it all behind a smile that was too sweet, it became rotten.
“Ah… Never mind, Tsukki! It was stupid of me to ask. Hahaha,” he laughed. It was an empty laugh, a reflection of how he was feeling, and Kei could hear it echo in his head like a broken record; mocking him, taunting him, accusing him of being a coward.
Yamaguchi walked ahead of him, his eyes wandering everywhere and his mouth rambling about everything but what he mentioned a while ago. Kei wanted him to stop, wanted him to breathe. But he kept on and on about volleyball and English and films and french fries and his mom and his dad and Kei’s mom and Kei’s dad and his neighbour, Tsubomi-san’s cat and- “Yamaguchi, I-“ “See you tomorrow, Tsukki!” and he was gone.
Kei stood alone under the flickering street light. He watched Yamaguchi’s back grow smaller and smaller as he felt his chest go tighter and tighter. He waited and he waited but Yamaguchi never turned back to wave goodbye. He put his hand down. He probably deserved it. Clenching his fists, he turned away from the direction Yamaguchi left and ran straight home, just like how he ran away from his feelings.
The next day proved to be the worst until he woke up the day after that and the day after the day after that. Yamaguchi greeted him every morning, “Hi, Tsukki!” and every lunch time, “Let’s eat, Tsukki!”, and every after classes, “Let’s go to practice, Tsukki!”, and every end of the day, “See you tomorrow, Tsukki!” Kei hated it. Kei loathed it. Kei despised it. The greetings were shallow. The conversations were forced. The smiles, the grins, the laughs, the winks, the “Sorry, Tsukki!”’s were all so wrong, he grabbed Yamaguchi by the shoulders and screamed at him to stop.
“Tsukki…?”
Yamaguchi’s eyes were brown, warm and inviting. Kei could swim in them forever and never get tired. His freckles were scattered generously over his face and his entire body like star dust. Kei wanted to find the star it had come from. His voice was a paradox, both deep and flighty. Kei loved how it sounded in his ears, reassuring him, teasing him, encouraging him, correcting him, supporting him.
“I miss you,” he choked, tears clouding his vision. “I miss you and I’m sorry and I love you. I’m sorry I couldn’t say it. But I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.”
Two arms wrapped around Kei like a blanket. Two lips kissed him gently on the forehead. Two thumbs wiped the tears from his face. And two eyes looked back at him with such love and care, he wondered why it took him so long.
Yamaguchi smiled at him, and Kei felt the whole world stop because it was real. Him and Tadashi, they were real. It was a moment he didn’t want to end and he figured it didn’t have to.
“Hey, Tadashi.”
“Yeah, Kei?”
“I’m probably never gonna stop loving you, is that alright?”
“It’s more than alright.”