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life has a weird way of going.
it never slows down or pauses to wait for you, even if something crazy happens and you need time to get up and recoup after.
over time, at some point, you move on and carry on, starting fresh and moving forward anew.
even if it means being reminded of the past one too many times before that.
>>
to friends and teachers, zhang hao has moved away, never to be seen again for a long time.
but to sung hanbin, he's everywhere and anywhere, still lingering in the corners of every room.
his presence remains in every place they've been to together.
every restaurant.
every arcade.
every dessert shop.
even in the nooks and crannies of their classroom, where they would draw random things on the desks and chalkboard together.
whenever hanbin goes to his local fruit stall to buy fruit for his mom, the acquired smell of durian doesn't exactly bother him anymore.
but it did make him sad.
it was just another reminder of hao.
the auntie running the stand noticed.
"you don't complain about the durian smell anymore."
"i guess i've gotten used to it."
the truth made that sound like an understatement.
whenever hanbin walks to the town center to meet up with his friends, he passes the family-owned music store that hao would always drag him along to whenever he needed more rosin, another theory book, or a string repair for his violin.
past hanbin would have walked by that store without a thought.
now, the sight of anything related to classical string instruments made hanbin's heart ache.
>>
for some reason, hao reminded hanbin of a raccoon. not just any raccoon, though.
a brown raccoon.
with fluffy brown fur and big, expressive eyes.
heavy on the big, expressive eyes.
one day, when hanbin was taking out the trash, he spotted a little raccoon digging through the dumpster, its trademark fuzzy appearance somewhat blending into the rubbish.
but before he knew it, it was gone.
just like him.
hanbin wonders if hao still has the raccoon keychain that he gave him randomly, solely because it reminded him of hao. does it hang on any of his bags? does it trigger nostalgia for him when he sees it?
heck, does hao even think about hanbin?
matthew and gunwook would probably say, "i mean, he has to. you're his best friend."
ricky would probably say, "sure he does. your connection is too profound."
taerae would probably chuckle and say, "come on, hyung, there's more to life than this." gyuvin would interject in agreement.
jiwoong would probably just smile gently and take him out for dinner with yujin and seungeon in an attempt to cure his sadness.
and no matter how delicious a meal could have seemed, none of those answers were desirable to hanbin.
>>
zhang hao moved away during the summer before their first year of college.
everybody in their circle knew, and everybody was ready.
except hanbin, of course.
he knew, but that didn't prepare him for how he would feel.
>>
summer break didn't feel so free anymore.
hanbin's smiles didn't reach his eyes, no matter how hard he tried to fake it.
before he started trying to process his sadness over hao's departure, hanbin would busy himself more to fight the feeling.
he'd go to more dance classes with matthew and dance the pain away, letting the music and choreo sweep him away from reality.
he'd find more ways to help his mom out around the house, even though he already had been helping out a ton before.
he'd go to the library and borrow a few books to read. in the end, only one would get finished.
he'd hop onto google and go down rabbit holes about the prefrontal cortex of the human brain.
he'd meet up with his friends for a treat at their favorite cafe, "in bloom bakery," where the laughter was too loud and the drinks too sweet.
but no matter what, zhang hao would not leave sung hanbin's mind.
and he never would.
>>
it's been a year since hao left.
now, hanbin is on his way to sophomore year, studying psychology and taking dance classes whenever he has the time.
he comes back home every weekend to check on his family and friends. his parents are living well, and his little sister seems to be happy too.
one day, he found gyuvin and gunwook raiding the snack aisle at the grocery store, while yujin and seungeon stood to the side, acting like they didn't know them.
for the first time in a while, hanbin's laugh actually reached his eyes.
another time, he was walking through the town center when he ran into matthew. he was with his older sister, yaebin, who came to visit him from canada. the siblings were bickering about which coffee shop in the area they should go to. hanbin ended up dragging them both to "in bloom," where they thoroughly enjoyed their sweets.
other times, he would find jiwoong and taerae walking together, hand in hand, discussing taerae's new original song that he would play for his music class.
he visited ricky at his art studio job, where he was working on a new piece in his free time. a picturesque image of swirls and curlicues covered the canvas, all in different shades of blue and pink. its beauty was unexplainably simple, yet ravishing at the same time.
in short, hanbin's life went on.
people stayed, left, moved forward.
and he was more than happy to live it.
even without hao.
even without the pink to his blue, the music to his dance. the one that made him whole.
because he still lived inside the walls of hanbin's heart, sprinkling extra sugar on his french toast from "in bloom," flipping through the books at the music store, and talking with the fruit stand auntie about some amusing scandal while she cut durian for him.
put simply, all the tangible reminders of zhang hao were there to stay.
and that was okay with him.
because sometimes, the greatest act of love is to let go.
and sung hanbin did just that.