Chapter Text
The carpet beneath his feet is scratchy and irritating, elevating the tight feeling of his skin as Jax closes his bedroom door behind him with a soft click. The bright artificial light from the hallway is cut off, leaving him alone in his room with only a sliver of light reaching a pathetic distance from underneath the door.
He waits in the dark, frozen still as his thoughts run rampant.
Memories flood through his mind. First, the ones from earlier today, the finding of Kaufmo in his room. Abstracted.
Replaced with a shitty jester before Jax even knew he was gone.
Then, memories of Kaufmo’s voice and his face, his jokes and his assurances. His desperation to find the exit, his confusion and distraught after she abstracted.
Ribbit.
Jax breathes in and it catches before his lungs are full. His hand slides up the opposite arm to dig claws into his fur, scratching at the skin beneath. He steps forward blindly in the direction of his bed, unable to see even if his environment allowed for it. His vision is unfocused and blurry, visual snow tainting the darkness surrounding him. His breaths come faster and shorter, wheezed between his teeth as his knees meet the edge of the bed.
Despite pushing them down so often, the memories are so clear. Ribbit and Kaufmo, laughing and smiling, with him. Crying, screaming, arguing.
He hiccups as his hands meet the bedsheets, painfully polyester and plastic in scent. His body drops forward as he brings his knees up onto the bed one by one. He can feel every joint and tendon working, grinding stiffly against bone and muscle as he moves. He can practically hear it as he grabs fistfulls of bedding and falls stiffly to his side.
The sound and feel of his own fur creating friction against the bed is too much and his chest burns. He holds his breath, desperate not to make noise as his hands let go of the sheets in favor of reaching for his ears.
He grips the bases of them tightly, effectively cutting off any potential noise as well as hiding his face behind his arms. His mouth opens and a breathless wheeze of pain escapes. The burning pain in his chest blooms into pressure that travels up to his throat and behind his eyes. His throat clicks before a soft sob breaks his silence, wet and ugly and curdling the disgust in his stomach further.
“...Rib…” His voice breaks and he curls further in on himself, his spine creaking as it bends.
“Kauf…” Tears are flowing freely as his eyes stare ahead, leaving matted dark streaks across his cheek and nose.
He remembers the last time they’d been happy together, laughing at one of Kaufmo’s jokes during the snow mountain adventure. The numbness that spreads down his ears is reminiscent of the cold.
“I can’t…”
Jax lashes out with one hand, digging claws into his pillow and dragging it towards himself, pulling it tightly to his face and smothering the sobs that bubble up from his chest.
His throat feels cinched shut, burning with every word that passes his lips. Both of his hands are now curling tight over the pillow, claws fraying lines through the case.
“F[%$!#]... I… I’m so sorr-y…”
The darkness doesn’t answer. It never does.
Jax holds his breath again, cutting off the wheezing, broken cries before they’re caught by the pillow.
“Please…
Don’t leave me alone…”
Nausea builds in his chest, and he ignores it.
“I’m sorry, I-” Another sob racks through his body and he goes unnervingly still, eyes wide open and freely flowing with tears. His thought are filled only with that of Ribbit and Kaufmo.
He stays in that position, silent, for as long as he can stand to hold his breath. He watches idly as the static in his vision spreads, following the rippling patterns of soft light that appear.
Several moments later, his desperate gasp for air is smothered and hindered by the pillow held tight to his face. He drops it with shaking hands.
The tears have stopped and begun to dry. His breathing is slow, even, and deep.
Jax lay there, exhausted. His skin itches and burns beneath his fur as he rolls over onto his back, ignoring the pillow and settling on top of the sheets. The polaroids on his wall aren’t visible in the darkness, but they seem to scream at him regardless. He stares at the ceiling, pointedly ignoring the photos.
He doesn’t recall when exactly, maybe hours later, but he slowly lulls into an unsteady sleep. He supposes it helps to burn all of your energy out in a fit like that.
He dreams of them, his friends. He dreams of their voices and their smiles, abstract and fleeting. He dreams of having the chance to see them again. It’s Jax’s first dream in a while that hasn’t ended in terror.
He wakes later, unaware of time, curled loosely around his pillow with his back pressed against the wall.
The fur on his cheeks are matted and sticking out at odd angles as he sits up slowly, turning to face the wall. With a soft sigh, he presses his forehead against the pink wallpaper, letting the cold spread over his head and ground his thoughts.
There's no use staying in his room all day. Eventually, Caine will summon him to the center stage against his will. Sometimes, it’s worth it to wallow in his thoughts for just a few short minutes longer. He’s gotten pretty good at dreaming with his eyes open, and it’s only easier when he’s not distracted.
Today, though, he can feel the artificial feeling of hunger gnawing at a stomach that he doesn’t have.
And he has a new jester to meet properly.
The comparisons between Pomni, Kaufmo, and Ribbit, at least visually, are not lost on Jax. Essentially, a clown, with the same big sad eyes and blush marks as Ribbit.
Caine was never very original.
He stands up from his bed, still feeling stiff and hyperaware of his body’s motions, but significantly less so than the night prior. Combing his claws through the fur on his face and patting it down in place, he makes his way through his door and closes it behind him.
Across the hallway, Pomni’s portrait hangs on her door, sporting that hilarious pout. Pomni and Ragatha stand just outside of the door, Pomni’s hand on her doorknob as she closes it. Both women turn to face him, Pomni with a meek curiousness and Ragatha cautious but polite. His face splits into a grin, easy and smooth. Perfect.
His eyes still feel dry and tired, but that’s easy enough to hide. He’s had enough practice. Afterall, the sensations felt in the circus weren’t even real.
And neither were they.
His skin prickles and the fur on his shoulders raises slightly.
“Morning, ladies. A little early in the relationship to be canoodling in Shorty's room, ain’t it?” He raises his eyebrows gleefully, watching to see how his words land.
Ragatha flusters immediately, her one eye flitting back to Pomni before she pointedly looked anywhere else, “I-I was just waking her up! Like I do for everyone if they’re late.” Her face is flushed and she wrings her hands together anxiously. “I was about to knock on yours too, Caine wants everyone to meet at the stage.”
Behind Ragatha, Pomni only reacts to Jax’s jab with the most mild of confused expressions, eyebrows pinched together as she stares up at him. It’s not nearly as funny as Ragatha’s reaction. He’ll have to try harder then.
“Jeez, chill out, Raggy, I was just teasin’.” He waves a hand between them, placating and sarcastic, ”Well, y’all are gonna have to start being more careful in the future. Don’t blame me if rumors of your secret meetings start floating around!” He jeers, smirking as he turns to walk ahead of the two towards the main area of the tent.
He can hear Ragatha call after him, scolding and upset, but it’s easy enough to block out. However, his skin prickles with the sensation of eyes on him, and his smirk, now facing no one, falters. Pomni is staring at him and he can feel it. He doesn’t dare look back, but the feeling stays until he reaches the end of the hallway and turns out of view, and his fur finally settles flat again.
‘Weird.’ His thoughts jumble around for a moment, trying to find an explanation for that feeling, before he settles on a conclusion, ‘Must just be her eyes. F[%$!#]ers are huge.’
That's good enough for him.
Upon returning to his room following the stupid candy kingdom adventure, Jax is immediately put off.
The lights in his room are on.
The fur from the base of his ears down to his shoulders stands on end. His smile wrinkles into a scowl and he glares around his room.
The chairs are pushed in. The bed is made.
The photos lining his wall are all flipped to reveal the faces of the people he misses most.
Someone was in his room.
No one has a key, he knows that, but it doesn’t stop the violating, defensive burning from bubbling up in his chest.
He turns, intending fully to push through his door and make the lives of everyone in the circus a living hell until he knows who touched his room. He already had a few ideas in mind.
Before he could turn the knob, a small snicker is audible in the space behind him. Airy and light, barely there but so, so familiar and warm.
He freezes with a hand on the doorknob and his ears flip backwards as if to catch the noise. He turns very quickly, glaring at the empty space he’s faced with. There’s nowhere for someone to feasibly hide, but his hackles are raised anyway as he stomps over to the bed, flipping the blankets, pillows and sheets, only growing more and more aggressive when nothing is found. The chairs are ripped out from under the table and thrown to the side. The drawers are pulled from the dresser and dropped in a pile on the floor.
By the end of it, Jax’s breath is shallow and rasping and he genuinely believes he’s hearing things now.
He laughs dryly, falling back to sit with his back against the side of his bed, his knees pulled up to his chest and his claws scratching lines down his forearms and leaving visible parts in the fur.
“I’m going crazy, too.” He mumbles to himself, pressing his eyes into his knees as he curls tighter around himself. Static bursts behind his eyelids at the pressure and a wry, cracked smile splits across his face.
“Nah, you're just an asshole, man.”
A voice, tinkly and raspy and overflowing with mirth. His ears stick straight up just as the gentlest touch of a large, gloved hand rests over his left shoulder. His head whips up to face that direction and he’s met with the sight of Kaufmo, mouth turned up in a grin and his eyebrows raised with glee, wrinkling lines into his forehead.
Jax’s eyes are wide with shock and his mouth drops open. No matter how hard he tries, he can’t make any words come out. His throat burns and tightens around them and the only thing that escapes is a confused, anxious, “H-huh…!?”
The clown’s eyes wrinkle in delight, and it takes Jax a moment to realize that Kaufmo is transparent. The edges of his silhouette are solid, but the closer to the center of his body Jax looks, the more see-through he becomes. Like a bubble.
And he’s floating, positioned almost as if he were swimming, his legs pulled up close to his body, which is parallel to the floor.
“We cleaned up your room for ya, thought you’d be happy to have a good hangout spot again.” Kaufmo chides, pushing Jax’s shoulder but only lightly jostling him.
“‘We’...?” Jax asks softly, his pupils dilating to pinpricks and his eyebrows pinching tightly together.
“Yeah. ‘WE.’” Her voice rings out from above Jax, short and moody, but there. Jax looks up immediately and sees Ribbit, floating in much the same manner as Kaufmo, but on her back, faced away from the two, and with her hands folded behind her head and one ankle hooked over the other knee. She’s just as transparent as Kaufmo.
“Ribbit.” Jax’s voice breaks and he begins shaking beneath Kaufmo’s hand, his knees dropping to the floor. “I-I’m sorry–”
“I know, we heard.” She interrupts him sharply, sighing softly before sitting up. “You don’t need to blubber.” Her voice softens and she turns her head and offers a tentative smile.
Jax’s vision blurs at the sight of the two, the sound of their voices, and the warm, gentle pressure of Kaufmo’s hand squeezing his shoulder. Tears fall from his eyes and he reaches up to roughly wipe them away with one hand, feeling the sting of his glove as it drags over his eyeline. His breath is uneven as he speaks, “How… Why are you here? I’ve gotta be losing it.”
“Dont know.” Kaufmo shrugs, settling into a criss-cross beside Jax, floating a few inches off of the carpet. “We kinda just… Woke up? Last night, I think, and you were asleep and all, so we waited until you got back.”
“And we got bored. Thought it’d be funny to see you react to having a clean room for once.” Ribbit’s smile widens and she lowers to settle in front of the two men, kneeling with her hands resting on her knees.
Jax scoffs, his lips curling upwards despite his best efforts. “F[%$!#]ing figures. The first thing you guys do is prank me.”
“We were mad at you, you know.” Ribbit says softly, hugging her arms to her chest and glancing to the side. “Still are a little bit. You were really nasty, before…”
Jax’s stomach turns and, reflexively, he sneers and rolls his eyes, “Pfft, what, can’t take a joke?”
Before he can continue, Kaufmo smacks him squarely at the back of his head, knocking him forward, “Stop that s[%$!#], Jax, you’re ridiculous. We saw you cryin’ last night.” The clown is scowling deeply now, having removed the grounding hand from Jax’s shoulder. The scolding makes the rabbit freeze, slowly looking up at Ribbit.
Ribbit is visibly trembling, her face turned to the side. She’s very clearly trying not to cry, though her eyes are dewy and her lower lip trembles. “It wasn’t okay for you to treat us like that, Jax.”
“But.” Kaufmo leads after Ribbit seems to falter for a moment.
“BUT.” She sighs, crossing her arms resolutely and turning to stare at Jax head-on, stubborn, just like she used to be.
“We talked, me and Kaufmo. Decided that if you’re willing to change then we’re willing to forgive.”
Jax stares at her, sitting up slowly to lean back against his bed again, pointedly avoiding touching shoulders with Kaufmo, “What makes you think I’ll change.” His voice is flattened, devoid of as much emotion as he can manage, but still scratchy from his crying. His ears are pinned back, defensive.
Ribbit scoffs, rolling her eyes, but a smile breaks through anyway. “You can try to do that whole ‘Emotionless Creep’ act again, dude, but I doubt we’d be here if you didn’t regret what you did.”
Jax’s expression doesn’t change. After a silent moment, he stands up, knocking the two backwards as he turns to stalk into his bed. His movements are stiff and robotic, and he curls up in his bed as far into the corner as he can, faced towards the wall. “Do whatever you want. I’m not changing anything.”
Kaufmo is the first to respond, chuffing softly with an audible smile, “We’ll see.”
Ribbit’s laugh is a little louder, a little more rough and spiteful, “Either way, you’re not getting rid of us now.”
Something in Jax's chest warms at that, but he doesn't turn around or acknowledge their words. He falls asleep to their voices chatting softly back and forth.
When he wakes up, his pillow is tucked under his head and his blanket is pulled over his body, tucked in around the edges.
Ribbit and Kaufmo wave goodbye as he leaves his room, turning to each other with matching grins once Jax's footfalls grow quieter before disappearing.
"Wanna bet how long it takes for him to notice I took his tail?"