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“Dia, be honest with me,” A voice calls to her and she turns, glancing towards one of her dearest friends.
Dia smiles reassuringly towards Kanan, giving her the little encouragement she needs to ask her question.
“What… what do you think about girls liking other girls?”
It’s asked in a shy voice. A voice Dia’s positive she hasn’t heard since the day they became friends all those years ago. She watches as Kanan shifts uncomfortably, resting a hand on the back of her neck and avoiding eye contact with her. Her yellow first years tie stands out on her uniform and Dia begins to ponder the question she’s been asked.
Until this point, Dia hasn’t really put much thought into it at all. It’s clear Kanan isn’t asking about a friend kind of like. Just by her stance and the way she worded it, she knows Kanan means it in a ‘more than friends’ sense. How exactly did Dia feel about girls liking other girls?
“I think it is a natural thing,” she finally answers, “Liking people is not something we can just choose. At least, that’s what I believe.”
She’d be a hypocrite if she said anything else, she realizes, when her heart skips a beat as Kanan’s face lights up. Like Dia has said the exact words she wanted to hear. The twinkle in her eyes and the relief that washes over her brings a whole new atmosphere to the room and in the moment, Kanan moves to Dia and pulls her into a great big hug.
“You’re right.” She whispers, hugging Dia tighter.
Dia’s face turns a light shade of pink and she returns the hug, hoping that the fast pace of her heart isn’t too noticeable to the young diver. She takes in the salty sea scent that lingers on Kanan’s person and closes her eyes, losing herself in the moment. A rare, but good moment. The kind that Dia knows she’ll value forever.
She always treasures moments like these with her.
When Kanan pulls away, her smile shines brighter than the starry sky on a clear night. She puts her hands onto Dia’s shoulders and deep, amethyst iris’ stare directly into her own jade coloured ones. They’re crinkled just a tad from how high her smile reaches and Dia swears that out of all the precious memories she has with Kanan, this one must be the most beautiful. Kanan’s fingers grip her shoulders comfortingly as she speaks.
“Dia, I don’t know what I’d do without you. Thank you. Thank you so much.”
Her words convey so much emotion, so much feeling, Dia’s rather overwhelmed by the sheer sound of it. Her heart beats louder and she knows her blush must be a deeper red, otherwise her ears wouldn’t be burning this badly. She covers up her flustered expression by clearing her throat, nodding and then replying to Kanan.
“O-Of course!” She stutters, crossing her arms and trying her best to give the younger girl the most convincing smile she has.
Kanan laughs and her grip loosens from her shoulders. Her arms fall and Dia misses the touch, but watches as Kanan puts her hands behind her back, holding them gently and gazing to look out the club window. Dia follows her gaze, staring out towards the sunset. She wonders exactly why Kanan wanted to ask her such a question. Of course, it was definitely for validation reasons. For reassurance that on the off chance she did like girls -which, Dia’s guessing is a definite yes- that Dia will still be there and accept her. But for some reason, a part of her nags. It wants to know more. It wants to know exactly why Kanan asked.
Does Kanan have feelings for someone?
Her heart races at the thought. Kanan having a crush on someone is quite a big thing, but a crush on a girl? That could mean so many more things. Especially if said crush turned out to be on someone from their childhood. Someone who has been with Kanan for so long that different days and different activities they did sort of bleed together and feel like they happened on the same day. Someone who was able to open up to her every sleepover they had, getting their feelings out to one another and forming a tighter bond that way. Someone who’s dreams came true the moment Kanan asked their friend to form an idol group with them. Not just for the sake of the school, but for her.
Dia doesn’t realize she’s clenching her hands so tightly until her nails dig a little too hard into her hands. She’s definitely not prepared for what Kanan might say. She really isn’t. But the want to know surpasses the fear of a possibility that this crush is on someone else.
Dia wishes she hadn’t said the words just as they slip from her lips.
“Kanan-san, is there someone you might like?”
She watches Kanan tense up slightly. A tiny blush decorates her face in the afterglow of the sunlight and Dia knows this is the first sign. The answer has to be yes. Kanan doesn’t face her as she hums.
“Yeah. I think there is.” she says bashfully.
That’s the moment Dia knows it can’t be her.
The grip on her hands loosens. The fluttery, warm feelings in her chest drop so fast that a chill almost creeps its way up her spin. Her once burning and flushed ears become pale and a large bubble of dread forms in the pit of her stomach. Everythings spinning. Her heart clenches, her eyes sting, but she stands tall. She searches deep inside her for that voice- the voice Kanan wants to hear right now- and with as much strength as she has left, she replies to her friend.
“Whoever she is, she’ll be the luckiest girl in the whole school.”
Her hands shake slightly and she clenches them back together in an attempt to be strong. She thinks of every person she stays strong for, clinging to the thought of them like they’re her only lifeline. Ruby. Eli Ayase. Her Parents. Their faces run through her thoughts over and over again as she mentally tells herself ‘not yet. Wait. Stay strong.’
Kanan laughs and what was once a melodious tune suddenly becomes a stabbing pain in her chest. As if a large knife was slowly being pushed into her, making her heart its new home. Her heart clenches more. She tries not to tense.
“You think too highly of me, Dia.”
That’s the last thing she says before the two of them decide to say goodbye for the day. Kanan has to deliver some club papers to the faculty office and Dia takes it as her cue to head home. She stays strong as she exits the club room and walks towards the front of the school. She slips on her outdoor shoes and walks tall all the way to the school gates, holding her head high and stepping lightly.
And right as she passes through to the streets, her tears finally begin to fall and she holds back a sob as she continues the walk towards her place.
Along with Dia’s heart, everything else around her seems to break apart. Kanan comes to her few days later, explaining everything she heard in the faculty room with Mari and their teacher. Kanan’s eyes are full of a feeling that Dia’s not so sure she can pin until Kanan talks about what they should do. The held back feelings aren’t too hard for Dia to locate, afterall, it’s a feeling she’s recently started to understand herself.
Heartbreak is all Dia can read on Kanan’s face. Her heart sinks just a little more and it’s another stab to her chest when Dia makes the connection that the girl who owns Kanan’s heart happens to be the third part of their trio. Their tall, gorgeous and expressive best friend. Mari Ohara, the girl who went along with them on any adventure they decided to have, so long as they were there.
Dia briefly wonders if she mattered much in that equation.
“..and that’s why I think we should disband.”
Dia blinks once. She zoned out for the first part of the conversation, but that last part is like a bucket of ice water drenching her head to toe. Disband? The group? This group was the last thing she could hold close to her and feel nothing but happiness. Aqours, it was them. The three of them, making their dreams come true together.
Or maybe it was just her dreams at this point.
“Excuse me?” Dia snaps. “Disband?!”
“Yeah. Disband.” Kanan doesn’t even make eye contact with her as she confirms what she said.
“Let me restate this so I understand,” Dia begins, “You want to disband Aqours so that Mari-san can go abroad like the teachers and her father want, even though she clearly wants to stay here and help us try to save the school so we can continue to study together.”
Kanan winces slightly from Dia’s tone of voice and for the first time since that day, Dia feels a different emotion overpower her sad thoughts.
“Are you NUTS?!” She shouts, slamming her hands onto the table. “Do you even REALIZE what you’re saying Kanan?! Are you not considering what Mari-san wants?! What we’ve all worked so hard to do?! What my fingers have suffered trying to put those outfits together perfectly!?”
For emphasis, she gestures to the three beautiful outfits that hang nicely by the club whiteboard. And that’s when Kanan gets angry. The blue haired girl stands up and looks Dia directly in the eyes.
“This is more important than all of that.” She says in a raised voice. “This is about our best friends education! All the opportunities she has outside of this small, no good town that’s got nothing. This school, this town, nothing here can offer her all the experiences she’s bound to have outside of Uchiura! The experiences she DESERVES to have!”
Dia doesn’t stand down as Kanan’s tone gets angrier. It only fuels her drive. The knife is still there, in her chest, her heart still aches but the anger she feels is nothing to fight with. A thousand thoughts fly through Dia’s head. A million different things she could say to jab at Kanan pop up, but Dia knows she’s better than that. She won’t stoop so low to insult her. She might be upset, but in the end she still cares for her. Kanan still means the world to her. She doesn’t deserve to be told the hurtful things that Dia could say to her.
It’s that thought alone that quells the anger in her and Dia looks away with tears in her eyes.
“Do what you like. I don’t care.”
Dia grabs her school bag shortly after that, slinging it over her shoulder and heading towards the door.
“Dia-” Kanan calls, her tone immediately changing. “Dia, wait! DIA!”
Dia doesn’t dare look back as yet another sharp pain pierces through her torso.
The show in Tokyo goes by in a blur. Mari’s ankle had been injured thanks to a last minute practice round she tried to do by herself. Even Dia had been ready to back out for the sake of her health, but Mari wanted to go on. Mari was determined to perform. To show the world they were Aqours, and they wanted to shine.
Dia’s heart ached for a different reason in that moment.
Kanan couldn’t sing. Her voice never came, even when the music started. Dia and Mari could only do so much, but when the first line of the song belonged to the girl who suddenly couldn’t sing, Dia knew their performance was done. It was over.
They all said nothing on the train ride home that night.
A few days later, the day Mari would be leaving for America, Dia agreed to meet Kanan for one last good bye to their friend. Even if Dia was hurt, Kanan wouldn’t stop her from seeing off Mari. Even if Mari was the one who held Kanan’s affections, Dia didn’t hold that against her. Nobody can choose who they fall in love with, after all. Dia knew that better than anyone.
It was full of tears. Together they watched as the Ohara helicopter took off and without saying a single word to each other, Kanan flashed the bright light into the sky. Once the helicopter was out of sight, Kanan turned the bright light off. An unsettling silence overcame the two of them, but Dia didn’t dare face her.
She could hear Kanan put her face into her hands and once a choked sob left the girl’s lips, Dia closed her eyes. What would be the better thing to do? Stay stubborn and walk away, letting Kanan cry to herself as the one she loved flew off to a new life overseas, or would she step over and pull Kanan into a comforting embrace, letting her know that despite everything that happened, she’d still be here.
Dia wishes she could build the courage to do the former option, but without anymore hesitation she steps over to Kanan. She pulls the other girl into a tight hug and Kanan soon reciprocates it, crying hard into her shoulder. Dia rubs her back soothingly, her tears going from a slow trickle to big, ugly blobs that trail down her face. She isn’t sure when the feelings of her own heartache drift into the scene, but they’re there. They poke at her, remind her that the girl she holds is in love with someone else, and it only makes her cry harder. She holds Kanan just like that, the two of them sobbing together and not daring to interrupt one another.
“I’m sorry-” Kanan chokes out, “I made a mistake, I shouldn’t have- I really, really shouldn’t have-”
“You wanted to do what was best-” Dia argues, “You wanted her to have the best experience she could.”
“But I hurt her!” Kanan tries to argue.
“I hurt her and- and I hurt you. Dia I hurt you too. I’m the worst.”
Dia doesn’t say anything as she sniffles. She doesn’t want to be mad at Kanan for what she did. Not right now. She’s tired. She’s hurt and she’s tired and all she wants to do is hold the girl of her affections and comfort her. She doesn’t want to confront her own feelings. So she dodges it the best way possible.
“You’re not the worst.” Dia mumbles.
“You didn’t mean to, and how you went about this was terrible, but you didn’t mean to. I understand that.”
Kanan says nothing as Dia holds her. The brunette steels herself, hardening her weeping heart as best as possible as she prepares herself the words neither of them have been able to say to each other. The words that Dia has been reluctant to ask and the words that Kanan doesn’t have the courage to admit out loud.
“You did it because you love her.”
Dia doesn’t say it as a question.
Kanan only nods into her. Her voice is quieter as a whisper when she confirms it for Dia.
“I really do.”
Dia looks over to the last of setting sun, recalling the moment in the club room the day Kanan asked her how she felt about girls liking other girls. She remembers how her heart swelled, the flush of her face, the tight embrace that Kanan had pulled her into. The bedazzling smile Kanan flashed her. All of those warm, fuzzy feelings suddenly feel cold and dark. A wonderful memory that Dia wishes she could continue to feel the happiness from.
The sun’s at its last rays of light peeking over the horizon. Dia finally lets go of Kanan, her arms barely grazing Kanan’s own as she pulls away from her. Kanan looks at her with red rimmed eyes that match hers. For the first time since that day in the club room, Dia gives her a genuine smile.
“I’m sure you’ll have the chance to tell her that one day.” She says with a bit of confidence.
Kanan only offers her a sad smile. Nothing more is said as the two begin to walk away from each other, heading back the way they came and going home for the evening. Dia’s footsteps are heavy and she holds her head high. It was painful, hearing the words out loud. The conformation that Kanan didn’t love her. The fact that Mari would never get a chance to hear those words out loud only hurt Dia more. Mari would never know how blessed she is to be the girl Kanan holds most dear. The girl that Kanan wants to be with more than anyone in the world.
It’s yet another twinge of pain in her chest that Dia feels she’s getting way too used to feeling.
In the year that Mari’s been gone, a few things have happened. The last goodbye they gave to Mari turned out to be for themselves as well. Dia kept to herself and focused on her studies. Every piece of idol memorabilia and every photograph memory she had with the three of them was put away as she pushed her feelings to the very back corners of her thoughts. She only dared to think about them in the brief moments she had before sleeping.
Kanan stopped coming to school around the end of their second year. Dia noticed her grades were barely maintaining a high B average, and part of her had worried the girl had dropped out. Thanks to the teacher assigning homework and Dia, being the girl she is, deciding to bring it over to the Matsuura household, she learnt about her Father’s leg injury, and how the following day Kanan would be on a leave of absence so she could take care of the shop while her dad recovered. Dia thanked the family for their time and left the diving shop without even seeing her.
By the request of her teachers and the insistence of her parents, Dia became the student council president. The workload was incredible and tough, but she managed. One day at a time, one assignment after another, she did her best to be the best student council president she could be. Just like a certain role model of hers.
When Mari returns, all those feelings Dia had been burying slowly rise back to the surface. It comes out in angry outbursts, objections, hurt glances towards her during class. It comes out when the new Aqours has her approval to continue their idol activities, and it comes out when Kanan texts her asking if it’s true. If Mari has returned and became the headmistress of the school.
It returns when she replies with a bitter “yes.”
Dia knows where this is headed. The confrontation is inevitable. Mari knows Kanan will return to school, and she’s determined to make her an idol again. Mari knows once Kanan’s back, maybe Dia will join again too. The blonde only focuses her attention on the missing third year that stays as far away from the school as possible.
When it finally does happen, she finds herself surprised that it’s her revealing it all to Mari and the younger girls. She watches as Mari dashes out of the room and into the rain, and her heart aches even more when she has a strong idea of everything that’s about to happen. She’s given another choice just like back then, and after a short moment of contemplation, Dia opens up her contacts and makes a short email to send to the one person who isn’t present.
“She’s waiting for you at the clubroom.”
She’s brought along for the journey there with the others, despite the cries of her brain and heart telling her not to. It’s not a sight she wants to see. Her heart won’t be able to take it. But just like that time when they said goodbye, Dia wants to see the confirmation with her own eyes. To know that even after all this time, the love Kanan has for Mari is still there. She knows what she’s getting into, and with that in mind she ignores the part that protests.
The small group watches the scene as quietly as possible from a distance. The slap, the hug, the tears they both shed. The atmosphere going from dark and sad to teary and happy in almost the blink of an eye. Dia’s the first to turn away, holding her head high once again as she walks out towards the gate. The rain has stopped and the sun sets just along the horizon once again.
Dia briefly wonders if the sunset is destined to be present through every moment like this in her life.
She shuts it behind her, keeping it unlocked for the other girls when they decide to exit later. A giggle from someone off to the side catches her attention and she glances over to see the new leader of Aqours looking at her with a warm smile.
“You really like those two, don’t you?”
It’s an innocent question. It’s partly true. Dia loves them. They’re her most dear friends. But that isn’t all.
Her love for Kanan and the want for her to be happy with Mari is something that Dia wants more than anything. If it can’t be Dia that’s the object of Kanan’s affections, then Mari is the one she would hope to be the girl of her dreams. That’s exactly how it is now, how it was back in their first year, and how it might continue to be for the rest of their lives. Kanan loves Mari, and in time she’s sure that Mari might admit she loves her too.
With that thought in mind, she faces towards the sunset, staring at it with longing. This sunset that witnessed every moment since the day Kanan asked her that fateful question. A single tear falls slowly down her cheek and she nods only once.
“You could say that.”