Work Text:
@Rozanov81:
Ok internet, I have announcement.
I am getting married in 2 weeks.
So we are going to play a game, ok? I give you one clue every day, we will see if you can guess
#SecretRelationship
#ILoveYouJane
@Rozanov81:
First clue -
Jane is very boring.
Ya tebya lyublyu, Jane
I am so glad we are finally telling everyone 😘
@LizzieScott525:
Is he for real? Getting married? Ilya fucking Rozanov? Married...? 👀 I mean what?!
@IceTimeBaby:
Ok so I think this might be Ilya Rozanov’s most confusing tweet to date 🤨
@SuzysCosyCafe:
Like what the fuck is happening? Is he for real?
@SalsAudioSales:
Is he really getting married? I didn’t even think he was dating anyone.
@FaceOffDot:
Well, no, none of us did. I think that’s why it's called a secret relationship.
@HollanovIsLife:
Secret relationship? Secret relationship? 👀👀👀
@LizzieScott525:
Ok calm down @HollanovIsLife, keep breathing, This is not going to be anything to do with your lil gay conspiracy boards and red string.
@LeonDeliveriesLtd:
Um, what dude? What’s a Hollanov?
@AnitasAnswers99:
Trust me, you don’t want to know
@NikiKnowsBest21:
Who announces a secret relationship by calling their partner boring? Run Jane now before it’s too late
@WynonaRonin54:
The Russian I love you. The public announcement. Thee Ilya Rozanov giving up his manwhore ways and getting hitched. Can I just say very politely and with much respect, Jane, girl, fuck you.
--
@Rozanov81:
Hello internet, your clue for today is...
Freckles
@NikiKnowsBest21:
Ok, he’s really doing this. I mean, I guess...
@AlmasCakesAndPasties:
Another clue. I guess this is really happening then?
@AnitasAnswers99:
Not getting any less cryptic I see
@RafaelaSantos53:
How is this clue even less helpful than the first one?
@CantCatchKatya:
I mean, I think it might be a classic Ilya Rozanov amount of helpful...?
@LizzieScott525:
I still can’t believe he’s getting married. Retiring the slut phase. Permanently. Who would have thought
@AlmasCakesAndPasties:
I mean all reports from Ottawa are that he retired his slut phase a while ago...👀👀
@IceTimeBaby:
His last year in Boston too apparently
@SuzysCosyCafe:
Shit, really? So this might actually be real? Like serious-committed-relationship-getting-married real?
@NikiKnowsBest21:
I mean, yeah, I think it’s gotta be.
@WynonaRonin54:
Oh my God did Ilya Rozanov move to the worst team in the league for love?
@SalsAudioSales:
No fucking way
@IceTimeBaby:
I mean there’s a few clips of Boston players talking about Roz’s Montreal girl and you know where’s 2 hours away from Ottawa? Just saying...crazier things have happened.
@LincolnRdGarages retweeted @IceTimeBaby:
Um, actually no, I don’t think they have.
@FayeAndFeral:
Oh my God, he moved for love. I cannot fucking believe it and yet somehow I do.
@AlwaysOnTheIce:
Ilya Rozanov, closet romantic. Who would have thought?
@Rozanov81 liked your tweet
@HollanovAlwaysWins:
So... You know who has freckles. Just saying, just saying. 🤷
--
@Rozanov81:
Clue for today -
Jane is secretly very funny.
Jane is very private though so nobody knows this.
Therefore is very bad clue.
But still, is true. ❤️
@CantCatchKatya:
Ok so this one is just like very sweet. Moving for love, being sweet on main. Ilya Rozanov, you contain multitudes.
@FayeAndFeral:
Ok, another useless clue but I will forgive @Rozanov81 because he’s being a sweetie.
@OttawaEngineRebuilds:
Rozanov is being a sweetie are for sure words I never thought I’d read.
@FaceOffDot:
I know, right? But, like, they ain’t wrong...Its a bit unnerving to be honest.
@HollanovTruther:
So, you know who is very private? 👀
Who has the most media training of anyone in the league? Never lets anything slip?
@LincolnRdGarages:
Ok, enough already. I can ignore a lot of your bullshit but no way Hollander is funny. That man does not have a personality, let alone a sense of humor.
@HollanovTruther:
Do you need us to explain what putting up a front for the media entails or do you have access to google as well as twitter?
@HollanovForever:
Also, even with the shut down media persona, we know Hollander is funny cos some of his interviews are fucking funny. Remember when they bugged him about the scoring race and he told the media he’d pay attention to Roz ‘if he catches up to me.’
He is for sure funny. He’s quieter about it but it's not completely hidden, even in press interviews.
@ShaneAndIlya:
Shane making Ilya laugh is just so fucking cute. My heart can’t take it.
@ColinJones1010:
The delusion is getting out of hand guys. Couldn’t touch bottom with a ten-foot pole.
@IceTimeBaby:
Ok Hollanovs, you gotta watch yourselves, I’m not staging an intervention if this all gets out of hand, calling it now.
@NikiKnowsBest21:
Right, there is not enough grass to go touch in the whole fucking savannah to bring these guys back down to earth.
@CantCatchKatya:
Yep, at this rate they’re gonna be starting their own cult before we know it. If I was Hollander, I would honestly be a little worried.
--
@Rozanov81:
Clue of the day -
Jane still has no idea what any of my sports cars are.
‘You didn’t drive the orange one today, did you? Not when the roads are icy? I’m serious Ilya, it isn’t safe. They are all so impractical. That red one is even worse. Please tell me you won’t take the red one out this weekend, have you even seen the forecast?’
Jane will not even let me get pilot's licence. Boring cars and staying alive only
@FayeAndFeral:
Oh, I am dying laughing at this. Imagine Ilya Rozanov shows you his Porsche Cayman 718 and you just say, ‘you better not be going anywhere in that, Ilya, have you even seen the weather forecast?’
@LeonDeliveriesLtd:
I...what? No, this hurts my soul. Who is calling the Ferrari Spider 488 ‘the red one.’ This is a crime Jane, an actual crime.
@IceTimeBaby:
Well, whoever she is at least you can be sure she’s not a gold digger.
@LizzieScott525:
Look at you, Ilya, trying to pretend you don’t love it that she’s worrying about you. That’s actually fucking adorable, not gonna lie.
@HollanovIsLife:
You know who only drives very boring sensible SUVs that are perfect for Canadian winters? I’ll give you just one guess 😉
@ColinJones1010:
I’m sorry but where did these two even meet? Cos like, that is not a chick who is out at the club, I can tell you that much.
@SalsAudioSales:
I mean, where does he even go that isn’t the club or the rink? 👀👀
@Hollanov8124:
No need to go anywhere else. He met ‘Jane’ at the rink and we all know it.
@RoseRoseRose:
I am not even going to dignify that with a response. Just fucking give it a rest already, for all our sakes. 🙄
--
@Rozanov81:
Do not pay attention to this clue. Marly is just trying to trick you.
Link to Instagram post by MarleauBostonRaiders:
[ Video begins]
Marleau is leaning back against his stall in the Boston locker room, fully geared up and facing the camera. He gives a slow lazy smile, rubbing his hands together.
“Oh, I have been waiting years to tell the world about Roz’s Montreal girl.”
His grin has turned a little manic now, his eyes gleaming. “And when I say years, I mean years. Fuckin hell but this is a long time coming, right guys?" Off screen, there's a loud round of whoops and cheering from the rest of the Raiders.
“Like, if Rozy is getting married, there is no way it would be anyone else. Roz has been crazy about her for so fucking long already. We always wondered if he’d finally pull his head out of his ass and get serious with her, he’s clearly been gone from day one. A total wreck over her since way back when. Guess we didn’t count on that meaning he’d leave us for fucking Ottawa...” Marly’s smile drops. He looks downcast for a moment before he shrugs, “but hey man, what can you do? At least he’s fucking happy, right?
“Anyway, your clue for the day, lovely folks of twitter, is that Jane is the only girl to ever make Roz blush. Plus, she’s been doing it since he was a little arrogant as shit rookie who would knock your teeth out on the ice soon as look at you.
“So, yeah, making Roz blush since day one. That’s Montreal fucking Jane. Still got no fucking idea who she is ‘cause Roz won’t fucking tell us yet, but she’s a fucking legend, I know that much.” Marly looks right at the camera and gives a mock salute, still grinning.
There’s a chorus of cheers off camera and then the video cuts out.
[ Video ends ]
Caption: Still cannot believe we are invited to this wedding and don’t know who this girl is yet. Rozy, I hate you but never change man.
Comments:
Rozanov81: You are terrible friend Marly. #RussiansDoNotBlush
MarleauBostonRaiders: Come on Roz, give it up man. I have photographic evidence of you blushing like a schoolgirl and smiling at your phone like a fucking sap. Jane is always making you blush. Nobody ever bought your Russians do not blush line.
Rozanov81: No, no, is simple truth Marly. Russians do not blush. We do not do this. I cannot re-post this clue now, is useless. You are giving out lies to all the people. How are they ever going to guess now
MarleauBostonRaiders: Just re-post the fucking video Rozy or I will post all my photos instead
Rozanov81: OK, ok I will post the fucking video but you are all useless.
@StSimonSays:
Ah, oui, you do fucking blush Roz. Do not tempt us, mon ami. There is so much photographic evidence and you know it.
@ConnorsOfBoston:
We’ve all seen you texting you’re Montreal girl Roz. You’re getting married already. Give it up man.
@FirstLineRaiders:
Yep, can confirm, Roz's Montreal girl smile is legendary.
@MarleauBostonRaiders:
Ha, yep, Ilya Rozanov doesn't blush, or move to Ottawa for love, or get drunk and cry because ‘my Jane is learning Russian for me’ or say sickeningly sweet Russian pet names on the phone. No, because he’s Ilya Rozanov. He just fucks everything that moves and drives obnoxious sports cars and has no feelings – oh wait, hang on...
@RoseRoseRose:
He what? He fucking cried because Jane is learning Russian for him. Ok, whoever you are Jane, you have my sword.
@LandryILoveYou:
Ok, no one better say a word against Jane or we ride at dawn. This man is drunk crying over the phone. He is gone gone. There is no coming back from that.
@LeonDeliveriesLtd:
Hang on, hang on, hang on, Rozanov the simp was NOT on my bingo card for this year.
@FaceOffDot:
Oh, this is too fucking funny. Roz is gone over this girl. Love that all his old teammates know it too.
@Fredrickson121:
‘Russians do not blush.’ Dude, there are like so many witnesses. Give it up already.
@RinkReviews_USA:
Wedding invites and they still don’t even know who she is? That is some real KGB secrecy shit.
@KyleStirling909:
The only girl to ever make him blush?!? What in the Hollywood romance...?
@NikiKnowsBest21:
More like what in the X-rated adult movie. Like I am genuinely a little terrified to know what Jane’s been texting him
@Crystal_BostonModelingCo:
Yeah, put me down as both scared and desperate to know what the fuck kind of sexts make Boston’s favourite slut ‘blush like a schoolgirl.’ That has to be some truly wild shit, right?
@HollanovAreFire:
Yes, Hollanov freak4freak allegations confirmed. I just know those ao3 tags are going crazy right now.
@CantCatchKatya:
You really need to google the definition of confirmed. This is genuinely concerning to me.
@Hollanov2481:
Knew Roz was always a secret Loverboy. Soft for Shane since day one. I am fucking weeping at this, I can’t even, so fucking happy for them both.
@HockeyEdits_Boston:
I am begging you, put down the phone and step away from the internet. For all our sakes. Please just stop.
@Hollanov2481:
Not you begging just like we all know Hollander is doing in Rozanov’s DMs.
@Fredrickson121:
Arghh my eyes. Never fucking say that again.
@Hollanov2481:
It’s just the truth. 🤷♀️ Don’t shoot the messenger.
@LizzieScott525:
It really really isn’t though.
--
@Rozanov81:
Clue for today -
Jane is always stealing my clothes
@JuanCarlos78:
Again with the unexpectedly sweet post from Rozanov. #LoveIsReal? I mean, like, maybe, right?
@FayeAndFeral:
Ok but why is this so cute.
@HockeyEdits_Boston:
Totally fucking unhelpful clue though. Like how are we supposed to extrapolate this to an actual person out in the real world?
@YantosYearns76:
Shut up. I don’t care, it's too fucking cute. #LoverBoyRozanov for real. Posting this on main. You are never beating the #SecretSimp allegations, Ilya Rozanov, and you know it.
@HollanovForever:
Clothes sharing is the corner stone of a queer relationship and you cannot tell me otherwise.
--
@Rozanov81:
Today’s clue –
[ Link to Instagram post by TheSvetlanaVetrova ]
Love you Sveta ❤️
Instagram post by TheSvetlanaVetrova:
[ Video begins ]
Svetlana is sat at a table in a dimly lit restaurant, orange gold light glancing sideways across her profile. She leans back in her seat. Her eyes assessing as she trains her gaze on the camera, swirling the vodka in her glass with one hand. She gives a slow smile and lets the moment stretch.
“So,” she says, sitting forward, tapping one hand on the table, “what you need to understand is this. Last year, Ilya drank all the good vodka I had left from my last trip home and then confessed that he wished more than anything that Jane could have met his mother. Naturally, this means I will be fighting anyone – and I mean anyone - who comes for Jane.”
Sveta sets her drink down and leans forward over the table, eyes fixed on the camera.
“My Ilyusha has been through enough. It is important that you understand this. If a single one of you says anything bad about his Jane, then you better pray I do not find your address. And I have contacts, so I do not think you want to be taking this risk, da?”
She sits back, apparently satisfied and picks up her glass again.
“Miss you Ilyusha, can’t wait to see you and Jane at the wedding. I am going to embarrass you so much in my speech.”
Svetlana gives a sharp-edged grin and blows a kiss to camera.
[ Video ends ]
Caption:
I love you, my Ilyusha. You are going to regret making me best woman ❤️😉😘
@ChironsBiggestFan:
Ilya wishing she could meet his mother. Svetlana ready to go to war for Jane. Ok this is like so serious guys, I can’t even tell you.
Love is definitely real.
@HockeyEdits_Boston:
Approval from the bestie. There is no way any of this is a joke. Svetlana is an icon. And. She. Does. Not. Play. If she is on board then this wedding is for sure happening.
@CantCatchKatya:
Well, mark me down as scared and horny. Svetlana is so fucking gorgeous. Do you think she needs a plus one for any of her vigilante activities in defence of Ilya’s Jane because...? 👀👀👀
@JuanCarlos78:
Right? Like, I also volunteer as tribute. Christ, she is so beautiful/terrifying/fierce as fuck. Just tell me when and where @TheSvetlanaVetrova and I will be there, no questions asked.
@HarryDavey323:
Did Svetlana Vetrova just give the shovel talk to the entire internet on behalf of her best friend Ilya Rozanov’s mystery fiancée? I’m not sure how I feel about life on the internet this week but it’s certainly interesting
@NikiKnowsBest21:
Ilya and Svetlana really is a ‘menace for menace’ friendship for the ages, eh? Anyone else a little jealous. I need me a protective Russian bestie stat.
@YantosYearns76:
Oh, so, he’s like in LOVE in love.
Ok, I am so fucking locked in. We are going to solve the shit out of this. Let’s fucking go.
@Fredrickson121:
Well, if it's not Svetlana then who the fuck is it? She is the ONLY girl he has a years long connection with. There is literally nobody else. There must be like no internet footprint at all. How has he even kept this shit secret for so long? He’s constantly tailed by the paps.
@HollanovAreInLove:
Maybe he had to keep it secret because of, y’know, Russia
@ColinJones1010:
What does Russia have to do with anything?
@HollanovAreInLove:
[ Link to article on Amnesty International website detailing Russia’s anti-gay laws ]
@HockeyBeforeHoes:
Rozanov isn’t fucking gay, dude. What the fuck?
@HollanovTruther:
No, he’s not gay, he’s bi
@FaceOffDot:
Oh my God just please go AWAY.
--
@Rozanov81:
Today’s clue comes from the lovely Harris, Ottawa’s most important team member, apart from me of course 😉
@Rozanov81 retweeted @HarrisDrover:
Roz told me who Jane is and I am not at all ashamed to admit I cried. Also, in my professional opinion, this reveal is absolutely going to break the internet.
Love you Roz, can’t wait for the wedding!
@CentaursStan324:
Finally, a not completely useless clue. Thank fuck for that. Ok, so, I think we can definitely conclude from this that Jane is famous. Maybe just as, if not more, famous than Roz.
@ChironsBiggestFan:
Oh yeah definitely. That’s got to be it. Would explain all the secrecy too.
Not sure what conclusion to draw from the crying but 🤷♀️ at least there’s one piece of useable information this time.
@HollanovNation:
Famous – ✅️
Would break the internet – ✅️✅️
Would make queer hockey superfan Harris Drover cry – ✅️✅️✅️
Oh, we are so on, guys. Let's fucking go.
@IvorScores555:
Please @HollanovNation, I do not have the energy for you today.
@SamanthaAtTheSpa:
Maybe if we just let them talk, they'll tire themselves out?
@RinkReviews_USA:
You know what, yeah, new strategy - just let the kids play make believe until it's time for their nap. This is definitely the way to go. Thank you @SamanthaAtTheSpa for your wisdom
@SamanthaAtTheSpa:
No worries.
I raised five kids. Trust me, I know when it's time to cut you’re losses and just let something play itself out.
--
@Rozanov81 retweeted @RoseLandryOfficial:
Today’s clue -
@RoseLandryOfficial:
Very happy to announce that I will be attending Ilya Rozanov’s wedding next week. Can’t wait to see my favourite couple again. So excited for both of you ❤️
@HollanovIsLife:
Guys, guys, it all fucking fits. Freckles, the privacy, being in Montréal, Harris crying, Jane/Shane, secret relationship and now Rose fucking Landry. You cannot tell me you aren’t seeing what I’m seeing here!
@HollanovIsLife:
I know I've run a Hollanov fan account for years but like, I think I’m really genuinely starting to believe Roz is about to announce his marriage to Hollander. It's all just...it’s too perfect. Who else could it even be, at this point?
@RoseRoseRose:
Um, many, many other people. Roz is straight for Christ's sake. I bet it's one of Rose’s other famous friends. Or, maybe like a model she got to know when she was working on those movies in Montreal? Ahhh, I so cannot wait to find out. Less than a week to go!!!!
@WynonaRonin54:
No, but guys, hang on, what if it actually is Rose Landry? 👀👀👀👀What if she’s marrying Roz?
Like, think about it? Maybe they kept it under wraps because she’d already dated Hollander and didn’t want all the media attention of dating both sides of the rivalry?
@CantCatchKatya:
Ok, this is my favourite theory yet. Ilya Rozanov one upping Hollander and marrying Rose fucking Landry.
@Rozanov81 liked this tweet
@ColinJones1010:
Um, sir, what? 🚨🚨🚨
--
Instagram post by HollanovAreFire:
[ Collection of 10 screenshots of Ilya Rozanov liking posts by various Hollanov fan accounts. ]
Caption:
Um, excuse me, what is happening? Red alert, red alert. Is this like actual confirmation...? And from Ilya himself?!?
Comments:
JuanCarlos78: Guys, come on, it’s just Rozanov trolling as per usual.
HockeySticksAndStones: This is what he does guys. He just likes fucking with people. I’m sorry but it’s definitely not confirmation of anything. It’s just Ilya Rozanov doing what Ilya Rozanov does.
RoseRoseRose: Besides, he also liked that post about him marrying Rose Landry. He’s just fucking about, I really wouldn’t read too much into it.
HollanovAreFire: No, nope, I do not care, this is confirmation and you cannot tell me otherwise.
HarryDavey323: Ok but it’s your funeral dude. We fucking warned you. He’s an asshole. That's all this is.
--
@Rozanov81:
The clue today is -
No one has ever looked hotter than my Jane in glasses 👓
@Centaurs4Life:
God, he is down so bad, I almost cannot watch. It is very fucking sweet though. #SecretSimp
@KyleStirling909:
Aw, another cute one and finally a useful fucking clue. Now, how many of Rose Landry’s famous actress friends wear glasses? 🤔
@HollanovStan2481:
No, guys, what? Somebody please tell me Hollander wears glasses? I can’t find any pictures anywhere. We were so fucking close.
@HollanovFirstAndLast:
I am fucking serious, somebody tell me there are ‘Shane in glasses’ pictures somewhere? Please, pretty please? We have not come this far for it all to fall apart now. I cannot fucking take it.
@HollanovAreInLove:
#GlassesGate will end me, I swear.
@HollanovTruther:
The only picture I can find anywhere is this one from 2011 of Hollander reading on a plane. Like, that’s the only one 🤨🤨🤨
[ Link to blurry photo of Shane Hollander sat in the window seat of a plane, head leant up against the wall, glasses on, eyes trained on the book in front of him. ]
@HollanovNation:
Ok, ok and breathe. It’s just one picture but it is still a picture. That's a fucking picture of Shane Hollander wearing glasses and I’m taking it.
--
@Rozanov81:
Today’s clue -
We first met 12 years ago. Well, 12 and a half years now.
@Centaurs4Life:
12 years!!!! 12 years! Y’all, 12 years ago Ilya was 17 years old. What is this, a fucking high school romance?
@Rozanov81 liked your tweet
@HollanovIsLife:
17, you say? 17 years old.
Oh, nothing, just noticing. Just aggressively noticing.
@HollanovWins retweeted @HollanovIsLife:
[ Link to picture of Shane and Ilya at the Prospect Cup, both seventeen, facing off against each other for the very first time. ]
Oh my God, they were babies. Babies. Just 17 years old. Look at their faces. Uhh, I just can’t, so fucking cute.
@HollanovStan2481:
Seventeen. They were seventeen. Seventeen. 🚨🚨🚨🚨
@SuzysCosyCafe:
I really desperately need you guys to google the definition of a coincidence.
--
@Rozanov81:
Today’s clue - [ Link to Instagram post by YunaHollander24 ]
Thank you Yuna ❤️
Instagram post by YunaHollander24:
[ Video ]
Yuna is sat at her dining room table, cup of tea in one hand, her face relaxed.
“So,” Yuna says, looking to the person behind the camera, “you want me to say something about how you and...Jane are as a couple, is that right?”
“Yes.” The voice that replies is unmistakably Ilya’s. “Or whatever you think is best. Is up to you really. Is just clue of the day.”
Yuna drums her fingers against the wooden tabletop, lips pursed. “Well, there’s so much I could say. But I suppose you don’t want to give everything away...not just yet. So I’ll just say that, well, I think the two of you together, you both really center each other, if that makes sense? You are both so much more settled when the other one is here, so much lighter.” Yuna pauses to smile warmly at Ilya where he is standing behind the camera. “And the way you have put so much effort into building this together, this relationship, despite all the obstacles...it’s just so impressive. I can’t wait to brag about it to all my friends. I think that's what I’m most looking forward to, really, once the secrets out. Apart from it being so much easier for you and Jane, of course, honey. That's the main thing, obviously.”
Yuna sets her tea down and gives another bright smile to Ilya. “How was that? Is that what you needed? Did I give too much away?”
“I...no, Yuna, thank you.” Off camera, Ilya stops speaking to clear his throat. “Was...was perfect Yuna, I, um...thank you.”
“Okay, wonderful. Oh, and don’t forget to finish your coffee, love, before it goes cold. You’ve still got half an hour or so until you need to be leaving, right?”
“Yes, yes, I think so. Okay, yes, thank you. All right, all done.”
[ Video ends ]
Caption:
Can’t wait for the big day Ilya. Don’t forget to pick up your suit from the dry cleaners tomorrow.
@ColinJones1010:
I mean, I knew that Rozanov knew Hollander’s mum because of the charity and all but she’s acting like he’s practically been adopted into the family.... 👀👀
@SalsAudioSales:
Ok, gotta admit I did not see that one coming. I really thought the whole Rozanov Hollander friendship was still mostly just for the PR benefits, y’know
@HollanovIsLife:
Ahhh, we got Yuna. That is future mother-in-law behaviour, and you cannot persuade me otherwise. The way she wants to brag to her friends about them. Oh, I am never going to recover from this. 🫠🫠🫠
@HollanovForever:
Oh my God, Mama Yuna. Approval from Mama Yuna.
@HollanovForever:
Shane and Ilya must be so happy to have Yuna on board now. Can you imagine having to take your arch-rival home to meet your parents and everyone's just standing around awkwardly while you explain that, no, you don’t hate each other after all. Shane Hollander, I fear you are stronger than I am. Honestly, I could never.
@SuzysCosyCafe:
No but why am I tearing up right now? Why was what she said so lovely? Ilya and Jane working so hard to be together despite all the difficulties ❤️ I just, my face is leaking.
@SuzysCosyCafe:
And also, like, I really cannot believe I am crying over Ilya Rozanov putting so much effort into his relationship. If someone had told me any of this two weeks ago, I swear I would be getting them booked in for a concussion check, like, immediately. Now here I am today weeping over Loverboy Roz and his Mystery Jane. Up is down, guys, up is down.
--
@Rozanov81:
You all get an extra clue today because I am feeling generous, so...
Second clue of the day -
Jane is never going to join the WAG chat. Jane is just not like this.
Which is fine, of course, my Jane is perfect. But is a shame maybe also. Sounds fun to be a WAG, I think. I think maybe I would like it. Also, I would look good in the jackets. 😉
@Centaurs4Life:
Here are the Ottawa WAGs jackets from last season - [ Link ] - just in case anyone is unaware of the full context here 🤔🤨🤔
@JuanCarlos78:
Oh my God, I can’t stop laughing. They are fucking bedazzled y’all. Just all the sparkle. This is what Ilya Rozanov wants to be wearing. I love that man, he is too fucking funny.
@CantCatchKatya:
I mean, he’s not wrong though 👀 He would look fucking great in that jacket. Love that he’s so confident in his masculinity
@FayeAndFeral:
I know, right? Hot as fuck. 🔥🔥🔥
Jane, I don’t know how you got so lucky but girl, seriously, fuck you.
@YantosYearns76 retweeted @Centaurs4Life:
So this is the jacket he wants to wear [Link] while being an Ottawa WAG.
A WAG. Even though he’s the Captain.
Guys, not to be a little drastic or anything, but I think there might be some things we haven’t stopped to consider here...🏳️🌈💅👀
@ChironsBiggestFan:
Can’t believe I’m agreeing with this but maybe we all moved on from the whole gay or european thing just a little too quickly...?
@FirstFanboy_Hollanov:
Oh, really, ya think?
@HollanovTruther:
Fucking finally. Thank you @YantosYearns76 and @ChironsBiggestFan. Now we are getting somewhere.
@LandryILoveYou:
Ok, ok, hold your horses. Even if he is dating a man, that is NOT and I repeat NOT the same as saying he’s marrying his decade long arch-rival. I really don’t know how else to explain this but, unfortunately, there are more than just two men in the entire world....
@AnitasAnswers99:
Doesn’t Ilya wanting to be the WAG sort of imply he’s dating another player or....? No? Just me?
@HarryDavey323:
Just you and the Hollanovs, yes.
@RinkReviews_USA:
Yeah, come the fuck on, there is no way. Even if he is maybe gay (?) or bi (?) or something (?), dating a player is a truly wild idea to be pulling out of the ether here. Like, come on
@FirstFanOfHollanov:
Care to join us @AnitasAnswers99 ? We have snacks and falling-in-love-as-teenagers defying-all-the-odds queer romance. Honestly, it's very nice here, we promise 😊🏒🏳️🌈
@Centaurs4Life:
Oh no, they’re recruiting. I told you they’d be starting a cult any day now.
@CentaursStan324:
Don’t do it @AnitasAnswers99, stay here with us where there’s sanity and also snacks. We have snacks too. Because, like, this is the real world and it contains snacks.
--
@Rozanov81:
OK, ok, clue will still happen later today but I am going to tell you something first. Because half of you are right already and other half are never going to guess.
Ok, so... Yes, I am bisexual. Yes, Jane is a man. ‘Jane’ is fake name obviously. Yes, this is why relationship had to be secret. Because of Russia, of course, but also because of NHL, because we're both athletes, etc.
@KyleStirling909:
Oh God, that’s super fucked up. That must have been so hard. I wonder how long they’ve been keeping this secret for?
@YantosYearns76:
No wonder they had to keep it a secret. Fucking hell. Also, welcome to the community Ilya. 🏳️🌈🎉💜💙♥️
@Rozanov81 liked this tweet
@AlwaysOnTheIce:
No wonder Harris Drover cried.
I’m not crying. Harris is crying. Just Harris. Not me.
@LandryILoveYou:
The clothes stealing, the WAG comment, the secrecy. Man, we really should have fucking known...
@HollanovFirstAndLast:
I mean some of us have been saying it
@KyleStirling909:
Yes, you have been. Very loudly. For years.
I actually think you’re part of the reason that nobody took it seriously that he might be queer.
@HollanovAlwaysWins:
I don’t care what anyone has to say, you cannot bring me down, not today of all days. Ilya Rozanov confirmed bisexual. If this is a dream, I don’t want to wake up
@Hollanov4Life:
We are so fucking close guys, I can taste it.
@FaceOffDot:
No, what you can taste is the mould fumes permeating your house and rotting your fucking brain. He just revealed he’s actually queer. Now is not the time for your fucked up little theories.
--
@Rozanov81:
Today’s clue is from Scott Hunter but don’t worry, his lovely boyfriend Kip promised he would help Hunter navigate internet if he doesn’t know how.
[ Link to Instagram post by ScottHunterOfficial ]
[ Video begins ]
Scott is standing beside the kitchen counter in his New York apartment looking uncomfortable and staring at a spot just above and to the left of the camera.
He clears his throat. “Okay, um, so, Rozanov asked me to, um, well...to give...”
There’s a giggle from the person holding the camera.
“Hey, fuck off, what?”
“What? It’s just...Sorry babe, its just I don’t know the last time I saw you this awkward in front of a camera.” Kips voice behind the camera is tight with contained laughter.
“Uhh, okay, okay. Right, I can do this,” Scott straightens and sighs. “I’m giving the clue today apparently. And that clue is....Jane is also an NHL player, so...” He spreads his hands. “There you have it. Two NHL players.” Scott drops his hands and shrugs. “Honestly, they are the two most competitive people I have ever met in my entire life and I have played competitive sport since I was five. Genuinely, they are both crazy. It's a little bit worrying, actually.”
Scott drags a hand down his face, sighs again and keeps talking. “I think their love language is just exchanging threats about who is going to score more goals the next time they play each other. I really do not understand how this relationship works but clearly it is working so,” Scott glances at the camera and gives a helpless shrug, “each to their own, I guess.”
[Video ends ]
Caption:
See you at the wedding guys.
Comments:
Rozanov81: Thank you Hunter. Is always important to respect your queer elderly.
ScottHunterOfficial: Rozanov, I know you know the phrase is queer elders, not queer elderly
Rozanov81: No, no, my English very bad, what are you saying? I do not understand
ScottHunterOfficial: I hate you.
ScottHunterOfficial: Kip says to tell ‘Jane’ hello
@Rozanov81 liked this comment
@RafaelaSantos53:
Well, fuck. I did not see that coming.
@HockeyEdits_Boston:
Also, who the hell is Rozanov dating that they are both being described as the crazy one? What in the ‘things that are unprecedented in male professional sport’ is happening right now?
@HarryDavey323:
I do not want to deal with the Hollanovs after they watch this video. They are going to be high as fucking kites.
@HollanovForever:
I mean... I don’t really want to deal with us either. I have never felt so insufferably smug in my LIFE. But like... seriously, do you have any other guesses? Like any other genuine suggestions at this point? It’s got to be Hollander. His mum made a video clue for Christ sakes. If he’s marrying an NHL player, it has to be Hollander. Not even in a delusional overly online way. It just has to. Who else could it even be?
@HollanovNation:
Everything fits! Like, everything fucking fits.
Montreal.
Another player.
Another player that is crazy competitive with Rozanov.
That is and can only be Hollander. They are the only two on their level. That’s why there’s a rivalry in the first place.
....and come on, Jane – Shane, not to mention the video from Yuna Hollander. It's not even subtle at this point. Like, not at all.
@HollanovIsLife:
Not subtle at all. Honestly, at this point, you're the crazy ones for not listening to us.
@IvorScores555:
I...I really hope you’re not correct.
@HockeySticksAndStones:
I don’t think I can survive remaining on the internet if the Hollanovs turn out to be right about this. What on earth is happening? What is this timeline and how did we get here? I’m scared guys. Somebody take me home please to before everything went all mirror universe on us #WhatIsThisTimeline #ImSoScared
@RafaelaSantos53:
I mean, if they are secretly about to get married, was there ever even a rivalry in the first place?
@AnitasAnswers99:
Did you even watch the video? There is clearly a rivalry.
@HollanovForever:
Oh, there’s a rivalry alright, it's just 🔥🥵🏒🏳️🌈
@HockeyBeforeHoes:
Oh come on, there's no way its Hollander.
They hate each other. Everybody knows this. Even people who don’t watch hockey know this. It's like the one hockey fact non-hockey people know.
Hollander and Rozanov hate each other's guts.
@IvorScores555:
Yeah, like seriously guys. There are over 700 players in the league. It's not fucking Hollander. There’s no way.
@Fredrickson121:
Yeah, what they said.
It is not fucking Shane Hollander. Period.
@HollanovStan2481:
I think you mean, yes, he is. Fucking Shane Hollander. Ilya Rozanov is fucking Shane Hollander.
@JuanCarlos78:
Go away or I will block you, I swear. They don’t even like each other. This is ridiculous.
--
@Rozanov81:
Final clue is -
Jane is a terrible liar. Always has been.
If anyone had ever just asked, ‘Jane, are you dating Ilya Rozanov?' No more secret relationship. Everybody knows, nothing we can do.
But, of fucking course, nobody would ever ask because nobody ever thinks this is possible.
I have new English word of the week from @LeahCambellPWHL. New word is heteronormative. Is good word. Like, you would say, NHL is too heteronormative -nobody ever thinks and so nobody ever asks. 🤷♂️
@Rozanov81:
Also, wedding is tomorrow so reveal video is going up later today. You will all have your answer soon, do not worry.
Thank you for playing, Internet, see you in a few hours 😉
@LincolnRdGarages:
Only Rozanov would have the balls to announce something like this and then say, ‘well, if you’d ever just fucking asked?’ 🤨
@RafaelaSantos53:
He hasn’t actually announced anything yet
@Fredrickson121:
No, but at this point...can it really be anyone else?
@Centaurs4Life:
I mean, fuck, not really, right...?
@BostonHockeyHighlights:
I think Harris Drover might have underestimated when he said this would break the Internet because I think this is also definitely and absolutely breaking my brain.
@HollanovStan2481:
Fuck, when is the announcement video going up? At this point I have refreshed Instagram and Twitter a truly concerning number of times. If my phone dies before @Rozanov81 post the video, I am never going to forgive him.
--
@Rozanov81:
[ Link to Instagram post by Rozanov81 ]
[ Video begins ]
Ilya and Shane are stood together on the dock at the cottage. The clear blue of the lake stretched out behind them, reflecting a high cloudless summer sky.
Ilya is standing behind Shane, pressed close, arms looped around him. One over his shoulder and the other around his waist. They are both facing the camera, Ilya grinning while Shane looks somewhat awkward.
“So, um,” Shane says, “do I, like, same my name or...”
Ilya rolls his eyes. “Da, yes Shane, they do not know what hottest man in NHL looks like. Will be mystery if you do not introduce yourself.”
“Fuck you, Ilya, you are such an asshole.”
Ilya just tucks his face into the side of Shane’s neck. “Yes, such an asshole to you always, moy lyubimyy, is why you are marrying me, da?”
“Knock it off, Ilya. Aren’t we meant to say something at least? You’re just taunting them still.”
“Yes, exactly,” Ilya says, face still hidden, voice amused and a little muffled.
“Ilya.”
“Okay, okay,” Ilya says, straightening up. He lifts Shane’s chin with two fingers and presses a soft kiss to his mouth. Shane sighs and relaxes into him, still holding his gaze. Ilya watches him in turn, lips tipped up in a slight half smile. “Always so boring, Shane. But yes, okay, for you I will be done with tormenting internet for now.”
“Okay, good. I think maybe they’ve had enough now. I still can’t believe Rose helped you with this, I never should have introduced you too.”
Ilya ignores this and smiles at the camera, all sharp teeth and bright uncontained joy. “Okay internet, this is my Shane, maybe you have heard of him, yes?” This time it is Shane who rolls his eyes. Ilya gives him a brief squeeze and carries on, “And yes, we are getting married tomorrow. I am sure many of you are very surprised that I would agree to marry second best hockey player but-” He cuts off as Shane elbows him in the ribs.
“Who has more fucking Stanley cups, Rozanov?”
“Second best player in league,” Ilya continues, speaking over him. “But he is very hot and boring and weird and I cannot help that I like it so much so maybe do not judge me, da?” Ilya gives a lazy half shrug. “I just cannot resist.”
“Hey, I’m not weird, what the fuck Ilya.”
Ilya turns back to meet Shane’s eyes again. “Yes, sweetheart, you are. You are very strange and boring and always thinking so many thoughts, yes? With your colour chart for doing laundry and only ever driving very sensible ugly cars and your knowing score from every Stanley cup final ever played. And this, all of this, is best thing that has ever happened to me, okay? All of this. You and all your boring.”
Shane sighs. “Okay,” he says, voice soft, “okay,” and tilts his head up for a kiss. It’s lingering and sweet and a little clumsy as they both keep smiling through it, unable to help themselves. “Fine, alright, you too, of course. I love you too, Ilya. So fucking much.”
Ilya grins, wide and beaming.
“Happy now?” asks Shane.
Ilya snakes his arms around Shane once more and turns his blinding grin on the camera.
“Da, yes Shane, happy. Very happy.”
[ Video ends ]
Caption:
Ya tebya lyublyu Shane.
Hollander24 liked this post
@HollanovNation:
Oh my God, look at them. Look at their fucking faces. Oh, I am never surviving this. Not a fucking chance.
@HollanovNation:
Their faces, that kiss, ‘best thing that ever happened to me.’ I am never coming back from this. I’m dead. Deceased. We fucking love you Shane and Ilya. You are the best thing that ever happened to us too, I swear.
@Hollanov2481:
We were right? We were actually fucking right?
I think I’m in shock.
What the actual...? 👀🫠🫣 [please nobody save me, I like it here so fucking much]
@HollanovForever:
I am never going to dieeeee
@HollanovForever:
This is how the first humans to discover fire felt. You cannot convince me otherwise
@LizzieScott525:
My heart, they are so fucking sweet together. I am melting. 🫠🫠🫠
@AnitasAnswers99:
Sweet? They are fucking 🔥 Hottest couple of the year, no competition. 🥵🥵
@HockeySticksAndStones:
‘Who has more Stanley cups?’ ‘Second best hockey player.’ Oh my God.
@IceTimeBaby:
The Hollanovs were right all along? The Hollanovs were right all along?
@IceTimeBaby:
Oh my God, the Hollanovs are going to go on the most insane ‘I told you so’ tour the world has ever seen. You cannot possibly imagine. They are going to be like little Victorian urchins given sugar for the first time. It is going to be carnage. Lord save us from this madness.
@CantCatchKatya:
I cannot believe we should have listened all along. I am sorry Hollanovs. You are truly the Cassandras of the modern age. Enjoy your vindication tour, you’ve fucking earned it
@MetrosManiac101:
Get this gay shit out of hockey. What the fuck? What is this?
@OttawaEngineRebuilds:
First Hunter and now this. Get this woke shit off my timeline. They shouldn’t even still be in the NHL after this. I’m fucking serious.
@LandryILoveYou:
You want to kick out the NHL’s two best players? Just for being who they are? Are you fucking for real right now?
@CentaursStan324:
Oh dude, you do not want to do this. The Hollanovs are fucking feral today. Like, you are not surviving this. They will tear you limb from limb.
@HollanovNation:
Justice for Shane and Ilya – why homophobia must be stamped out of the NHL – 🧵 part 1 / 14
@CentaursStan324:
Part 1 / 14 ???? How the fuck did you write that so fast?
@HollanovNation:
Oh, my sweet summer child, I wrote this in 2013.
@AlwaysOnTheIce:
I told you @MetrosManiac101, this is their waterloo, the Hollanov army have been preparing for this for years already. You do not want to pick this fight, today of all days.
@AlwaysOnTheIce:
Also, Shane and Ilya look so fucking happy so maybe just, don’t be dicks, yeah?
@BostonHockeyHighlights:
The Shane Hollander?
As in Shane Hollander hockey robot.
That Shane Hollander.
Is the only person to ever make Ilya Rozanov blush.
I just....I don’t think I am physically capable of absorbing this information.
@SuzysCosyCafe:
I cannot believe the Hollanovs were right all along. It’s... this is both the worst and best day I have ever had on the internet.
Congratulations Shane and Ilya
Guess it was a teenage romance after all.
@HollanovIsLife:
So....@Rozanov81 can we maybe please please just maybe come to the wedding? 👀👀👀👀
@HollanovIsLife:
We will be so well behaved. So well behaved. I swear it on Shane Hollander’s scoring averages we will be quiet as mice. You will hardly even know we are there. Please pretty please, pretty please with a cherry on top, say we can come to the wedding @Rozanov81 🙏🙏🙏🙏
@ChironsBiggestFan:
Shane Hollander wears glasses? Shane Hollander wears glasses????
@Rozanov81 retweeted @ChironsBiggestFan:
Yes and is for my eyes and my eyes only. 🔪🔪🔪🔪
--
Group chat - WAGs plus Harris:
Cassie: Ok ladies and Harris. I have some pretty epic news.
Cassie: Drum roll please
Cassie: So we may not be getting Shane Hollander in the chat but...
~ Cassie added Ilya Rozanov to the chat ~
Lisa: Awww, oh my God, this is the best. Welcome Ilya. We are so happy to have you in the chat!
Caitlin: What??? Oh my God, best new addition ever.
Nicole: Yes Ilya. Only a real man can be a WAG, right?
Selena: Ha, I cannot wait to have Ilya over for wine night. This is going to be so. much. fun.
Cassie: Welcome Ilya, you are now officially one of us. Welcome to the group chat.
Ilya: Thank you Cassie. I am very happy to be here.
Ilya: When are we ordering this year’s jackets?
Ilya: I have ideas.
Cassie: Our wonderful captain was not joking. He wants a sparkly jacket
Ilya: And it can say Fuck Russia on the back, yes?
Ilya: and also with matching nail polish?
Harris: Oh my god Roz, you are going to have me fighting off swarms of Russian spam bots
Harris: But, honestly, worth it. This is going to be fucking beautiful.
Ilya: Yes, yes, I will look very beautiful.
Nicole: Haha, oh Ilya, you are a treat
Cassie: If we’ve got Harris now as well as Ilya, maybe we really should change the group name?
Ilya: No, no, Cassie. I am going to be WAG. Do not take my dreams from me.
--
Reddit – r/HollanovHQ
Rozanov81 • Listen the fuck up
Ok, listen the fuck up all of you, I have something to say to the hollanovs
HollanovIsLife
Oh my fucking God
HollanovAreInLove
Is that.... is that really...
HollanovNation
It can’t be. There's no way. But just in case it is.... everybody shut the fuck up right the fuck now.
Rozanov81 • No more talking
Thank you HollanovNation.
Ok, you can all shut your faces now and listen up. Hollanovs, I am only going to say this once. For very many years I was scared that Shane would find out about you all and then never speak to me again. So, no, I will not say thank you. You all are your own worst enemies.
HollanovAreInLove
Oh my God Oh my God Oh my God
ShaneAndIlya
Please forgive us Ilya, we didn't know what we were doing.
HollanovForever
Ilya, we are so so sorry.
HollanovTruther
We are all very lucky that Shane chronically offline Hollander never came to our corner of the Internet otherwise I think Ilya Rozanov would have shot us with a gun.
HollanovAlwaysWins
Oh my God we ARE our own worst enemies. We are very sorry Ilya, please forgive us?
HollanovsFirstFan
It is an enemies to lovers fic but we were the enemies all along
HockeyHusbands
We are so fucking sorry Ilya, honestly.
HollanovIsLife
Can you tell us off again, pretty please?
HollanovAreInLove
Yes, we will be good now.
HollanovIsLife
Can you tell us to be good?
HollanovIsLife
I think that would help.
Rozanov81 • OP
Oh my god I hate all of you.
FirstHusbandsOfHockey
Sorry sorry sorry. Please forgive us.
Rozanov81 • Be good and fucking listen
Ok I will forgive you but only because some of the fanfiction was not bad. Some is very inaccurate yes but some is good.
ShaneAndIlya
OH my god
HollanovForever
Is this day even real
HollanovStan8124
I am being good I swear 🥵🥵🥵🥵
FirstFan_Hollanov
What in the sleep-deprivation dreamscape is happening right now?
Rozanov81 • OP
Whoever wrote one about Shane always folding his clothes, I was nearly worried someone put camera in hotel room.
HollanovFirstAndLast
OH. MY. GOD.
HollanovOriginal
HockeyHollanov are you seeing this?
HockeyHollanov
I...I.... Ilya Rozanov read my fanfiction. My [apparently] scarily accurate fanfiction. I am going to need a day, maybe a week, possibly forever.
HollanovOriginal
HockeyHollanov, deep breaths okay? Just like Ilya talking Shane down from a panic attack.
Rozanov81 • OP
Blyat. I do not know what is worse, the scary accurate ones or the scary inaccurate ones.
Rozanov81 • OP
Actually, no, worst are the ‘everybody talks to each other about feelings and gets married at 21.’ I had to talk to my therapist about that one. Was very embarrassing.
Rozanov81 • OP
Go and sit in your corner of the internet and stay there.
HollanovAlwaysWins
Yes sir, right away sir.
HollanovStan8124
Yes sir, going to go sit in the internet cuck chair and stay there, we promise.
Rozanov81 • OP
Gospodi, stop talking.
Hollanov2481
🤐
HollanovNation
🤐
HollanovOriginal
🤐🥵🥵🥵
Rozanov81 • OP
I do not think I can win here. I am just going to leave you all alone now. Do not talk to Shane. You are right, he WILL have panic attack.
HollanovIsLife
So what did you want us to do again? 👀🫣
Rozanov81 • OP
I am only doing this once more.
And only because you have been fighting homophobes for us. Even though you are all very annoying.
Rozanov81 • OP
Sit down, be quiet, do NOT talk to my husband
HollanovIsLife
🥵🫠
HollanovAlwaysWins
🥵🥵🥵🥵
HollanovTruther
You are too good to us, honestly
HollanovFirstAndLast
Thank you 🥵
HollanovNation
Best day of my life