Work Text:
Kanade had only just finished eating and walked back to his room. He sat on the bed. Despite feeling fine just a minute ago, he was now incredibly nauseous.
It had been getting more and more often lately, yet it was still just as painful. He only ate a small meal, it was at least less than the recommended dinner size.
Though it didn’t matter. No matter how many times he cut down his meal, it would only delay what was coming.
He sat on his bed, the sinking feeling of the mattress only intensifying the pain. It hurt, but it also didn’t. It felt lifeless and empty yet heavy and full.
Kanade would move to his desk if he could, though it wasn’t any more comfortable, at least it was more familiar.
Bending forwards hurt, but he had to rest him head on his hands, the stress and ache of his wrists in result felt good.
His legs shook a little as he pushed up, only to sit back down on the floor. Being off the mattress helped. Not much.
It settled a little, he was still just as nauseous but it had settled and became semi-normal again. He burped, it was coming.
The nausea only grew worse, the need to vomit and sinking feeling in his stomach ushering him to the bathroom. So he went, his stomach felt like lead, yet empty.
Kanade sat by the toilet, locking the bathroom door behind him. Nobody would notice his absence for 20 minutes. Nobody ever did. Only he and Mafuyu were ever home anyways.
It didn’t matter what he ate, or if he had an energy drink before hand. He was always sick if he ate too much. He used to know that it was too much, and would feel over full…now he can’t. He thinks he’s eaten enough.
Maybe he should eat less. It was an inevitable cycle of eating, being sick, eating less, it working for a while, getting sick again…eating less.
It finally hits, and he throws up..the red colour of the curry Mizuki had went out of her way to buy Kanade gone. Wasted. He was so ungrateful of what they did for him.
The more clumps that came from his burning throat, the more tears he let out. Sitting on the cold floor flatly while draining himself of food he only got a half bowl in of…
The toilet bowl filled with clumps of oil and the swirling red of the meal. Even a few mysterious clumps of yellow. He stopped staring around then.
It got on the rim of the toilet bowl, but he’d clean it after. It drooled from his mouth to the floor, but he’d clean it after.
Unlike what he knew, the supposed "bletch" noises were nonexistent. Instead, he let it out with only the slightest sound of the mess hitting the bowl.
Nevertheless, he let the horrid liquid out, wanting it to be done already. He was tired of this, his stomach tried to push more up, it couldn’t. Then it did. It always tricked him like this.
The handfuls (like he’d ever hold it) of vomit turned to smaller clumps here and there..the nausea slowly started dying down…
Oh. It was finally slowing down, it had only been ten minutes today. Thank goodness.
As Kanade got up to wash his hands, the rest of the bile still forced its way out in the sink. There was less of it on the sinks bottom, so it definitely was fading.
He washed his hands, watching the previous contents he left there wash away down the drain, one piece getting stuck there. He left it.
The slight nausea still clung to him as his blurry vision slowly regained. The painful bitter feeling of bile still clinging to the walls of his throat stung.
He closed the lid before flushing the toilet. He didn’t need to see that again.
Perhaps a shower would help, he felt disgusting, he didn’t bother to get new clothes, not even new underwear. He really was disgusting.
He watched the shower run as he turned the shower to its hottest setting. Kanade knew he didn’t like it, but still the painful burn of the too-hot water was nice in a way.
Apparently it was a form of self harm. That was ridiculous. Kanade knew that he just liked hot showers. Despite knowing that wasn’t the truth. Why else would he, though?
He sat by the shower for at least 5 minutes, waiting for nothing in particular. Maybe the energy to get undressed.
He finally gets up, remembering water usage costs money. Getting undressed is a pain. Peeling his layers of comfort away, Kanade looked at himself.
His arms bear no scars, they used to, but they had all faded. He wasn’t even strong enough for something so easy.
Maybe that’s why he did what he did now. Nothing anyone could notice. Anything that could be brushed off as normal.
The hot water hit his skin as he stepped in. It burned, as expected. The feeling was nice. It was sad knowing his body would adjust soon.
Too weak to stand any longer, he sat. The water, having to travel further to hit his now tinted red skin, felt cooler. It was a sad but necessary sacrifice.
He sat. He didn’t move. He marinated in his thoughts. He used to set a timer, but showering was addictive. It cleaned him more than anything else ever would.
The timer would normally only remind him of his failures. He would stay for longer anyway. A higher water bill wouldn’t kill him.
He bit and chewed on his nails, as he did when showering. They were hard and cold when he wasn’t showering. Biting them would make his sensitive teeth ache…
It had probably been half an hour of sitting there. Kanade didn’t know. His praised internal timer didn’t last this long. Especially not in such rough conditions.
He reluctantly turned off the shower, Mafuyu would be home soon. If anyone, especially Mafuyu, saw him like this… Kanade wasn’t sure what he would do.
Had he been crying? His eyes felt funny. Whatever, it would be from him "rubbing them out of tiredness" too often, if anyone asked.
Half-Heartedly, he dried himself. Dressing himself in the same stained clothes he had wore for the past week, he was done.
Dragging himself back to bed, Kanade collapsed onto a pile of paper. He didn’t need to clean it. He wanted to compose. He just…couldn’t.
Surely Mafuyu would be glad to see him asleep anyways. Surely, someone cared..right?
He fell asleep around then anyways. No time to worry. He had to sleep so he could compose later.
The next morning he woke to Mafuyu leaving, he said goodbye to her as his stomach rumbled. Mafuyu told him to eat. Even staying late to ensure this happened.
The cycle starts again.