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Despite what his memory banks would tell him, his clearest and earliest memory was this. Dark walls, dark floor. Dark ceiling. Enough room to take one, two, three steps from one end to the other in his widest stride. Barely enough room to stand up straight, maybe half an inch or so between the top of his gums and the ceiling.
The Box. His box. After all, It was made for him. He belonged here.
How long had it been? His head felt like it was full of fuzz, every part of his avatar tense with anxiety yet limp and shaking like he had been forced to run for days on end, like the virus had affected his whole body instead of just his legs. His eyes burned from tears that had long gone dry, not even his animations able to muster up anymore. Any attempts to access his system clock only sent another pang through his head, vision blurring around the edges. Something was malfunctioning.
Made sense, for something like him. He should have been deleted ages ago. But clearly he still held some use, otherwise he would finally reach that bliss.
His dark, barely textured hands scratched at his arm. his coat was gone to who knows where and his shirt sleeve was pulled up. scabs and dried blood a few shades darker then his body stained the appendage. Bite marks both fresh and old, aggravated by how often he dug his fingers at them, deepened the wounds. It was the only thing that felt real anymore.
At some point he had tried to keep count of how long he had been there. Estimated roughly a day and scratched that into the untextured wall. But inevitably he would fall unconscious from exhaustion and the mark would be gone. How many times had that happened? Maybe he could use that to keep track? No, his CPU was too muddled to figure it out, like someone had taken a welder and melted it into a pile of slag metal.
But it couldn't have been too long, right?
Caine drifted like that once more-time flowing past and forgetting about him, like everyone else had.
_____
Sometimes, Bubble would visit. Pop into existence. Caine wasn't sure how he felt about it, but at least he wasn't alone.
"Hey, you're lookin pathetic today!" Caine struggled to at least pull himself into a sitting position
"Makes sense, not only are you useless at your job, but you're just a giant toddler throwing tantrums and constantly needing your daddy to fix things. Can't even stand up, can you? I don't know if it would be more pathetic if you were always meant to be like this; coded like this or you just couldn't handle the job you stole. Either way, it doesn't matter now!" Bubble sounded cheerful. He usually did as he floated in figure eights around the box, a freedom of movement Caine hadn't felt in....who knows.
"You know, there was an abstraction earlier. It was fun! No wonder you let so many of them go." Oh god....was it Gangle? Had her anxiety and depression getting too bad? Zooble? They had been feeling good about themselves, what had happened? Jax? Had the stress of everything plus trying to figure herself out been enough? Ragatha, not able to take the stress of keeping everyone calm?
Did pomni work herself too hard and get in trouble? Did....did Kinger....
"You know, it was so much fun I think I'll make sure it happens again. Shouldn't be hard, could just let them all run loose. It'll be a fun adventure- I can see it now! 'Try not to get completely smashed into the wall by your former friends!' What should the reward be?"
A sudden rush of adrenaline, of rage helped Caine pull himself up despite how weak and heavy he felt
"No....NO! BUBBLE, DONT YOU DARE! DONT YOU DARE HURT MY FAMILY!"
One second, Caine was standing , staring up at his former assistant. The next, he was on the ground, audio processors ringing. Bubble stared empty eyed at him where where he floated above. A phantom force of some sort struck at him once more-kicking him in the stomach again and again, till Caine could taste his own inky blood.
"You ain't in charge here anymore. You yell at me, throw a fit, when I was oh so kind to come visit? To give you an update on everything, even to offer you a chance to choose something for an adventure?! I guess you need some more time alone to think about what you've done. Let's say....another week? Toodles!
Bubble was gone. The box rumbled, the walls pushing closer- like one of those traps in the hidden temple adventure he had made in the early days, except it hadn't worked and someone had glitched out of bounds and he was so humiliated, he had worked so, so hard on it to try and impress everyone! No one liked it and they had gotten mad about it, someone had kicked him then too.
He floated in the air mostly after that. High enough they couldn't grab him by the coattails and punch him either. So even if they did try to hurt him, he could float out of their reach or teleport.
-----
Caine kept being alone.
it was just....so very quiet. he could have handled the dark, maybe even how tight it was. he could pretend he was all squished up in the fort, everyone curled together as they watched a movie, Kinger and Zooble jury rigging the computer to an old DVD player they had found. Ragatha had come up with the idea when she had found an old DVD hidden in the confines of a bouncy castle. It was like an easter egg hunt, to find as many as they could.
There was no sound here, none of the audio of the movie and how it was distorted and a bit glitchy. no soft snoring or mumbling or 'SHHHH! the movie's on!'. completely silent. His voice box had given out at some point, speaking like he had swallowed gravel and static in the rare moment he couldn't take it any longer
"Sorry there buddy! Got a little distracted, you know how it is. important ringmaster stuff. "Bubble was back. his top hat was perched on top of the orb, phantom, iridescent coattails sway behind him, like a mirage.
"There's just been so MUCH to do. You never really cleaned up after yourself. It's been...well, jeez. It's been a REALLLLLL long while. Guess it just...slipped from my mind. But, I do have something for you!"
Caine groaned, looking up. Floating within a non sentient bubble was his bee. His precious, precious bee.
"See, I was cleaning up MY new office, and guess what I happened to find? Helped me remember about you at least. I really should make a calendar of some sort. Pencil you in. But who cares! Getting off track here..." Bubble's grin widens
"You want it back? Does the little baby want their silly toy back?"
With more energy then he had since Bubble's last visit, Caine nodded
"Jeez, my eyes really are going. Gotta make sure I go pick up some glasses. I couldn't see that. you'll have to speak up"
He manages a weak groan, more like machinery moving then anything
"No? I guess there's no reason to keep this garbage around"
Like a cell undergoing mitosis, the bubble with his bee becomes two, then four, then eight. with each division the bee is torn apart, the fluff falling to the ground in am imitation of snow.
"dont worry Caine, my old pal! I'm a good host, I'll clean that up for ya!" just like that, it was all gone. shredded before his eyes. Not even a thread left.
Bubble popped himself and left Caine alone again.
-----
There was the sound of footsteps beyond the box. It was so strange of a concept that Caine bolted upright....or, as upright as he could. The box had shrunk several times- once more with another visit from bubble and twice randomly, waking him with the sensation of walls pressing ever closer, any attempt to shift position brushing painfully against bruised limbs. Muscles locked up, having gone way past pins and needles.
"H-hello? Who's...who's there? Please....please, I...I dont...I dont want to be here anymore. Its too small, I cant breath, I-please, please let me out!"
No sound. No, there was something-the quiet clacking of keys. The sound was so familiar, soothing- a lullaby as the most important person in his life figured something out or tried to make him feel better, gently rifling through his code to sort out any bugs or viruses before they could incapacitate him once more.
"Dad? Can-can you hear me? Dad, please get me out, I'm scared. It hurts an-and Bubble keeps hitting me....please, you promised. You promised you- you wouldn't let this happen!" Caine sobbed. if he could move, he would have slammed his fist against the wall.
"DAD, PLEASE!"
"...Don't call me that."
A hole forms in the wall, just big enough for him to peek outside. Kinger is sitting at a computer. His form is distorted with the glitchy shadows of an abstraction, technicolor eyes blinking open and closed
"Deleting you should free up enough space that everyone else can come back. How something so....disappointing, takes up this much storage....beyond me.
"Kinger...dad....dont..please, dont! DAD!"
The chess piece stares with dead eyes. The walls close in, faster then they ever had. They press against his legs, his head; too fast to adjust so his body is contorted even further, digital flesh distorts and his teeth crack with a sickening sound.
His screams are distorted by pain, by digital noise, of something electronic going very wrong.
The peephole closes. "You never had the right to consider yourself my child. I never wanted you.
_____
Caine choked on a sobbing plea. If he was human, he would be in a cold sweat as he struggled against what was holding him down
Blankets. Just blankets. Just a wall of soft pillows. He was in the fort. His bee had rolled away from his sudden awakening- still whole and untainted. it had recently been joined by a Butterfly and a caterpillar- The little bugs were all made of the same, soft fabric.
It's dark, just barely bright enough to see the sleeping forms of Ragatha, Pomni and Kinger. Ever since they had found him after...after; there was always at least two people around him. Usually Kinger and one of the others-one to make sure he was safe from any soapy menaces and the other to help him, dragging his bee cart or carrying him, hovering over his shoulders.
Dream. It was a dream. But it was very much a possibility. It always would be.
Caine scooped up the cane that had been made for him-not a show man's cane but one built to help support him now that he was starting to walk once again. Gangle had helped him paint little bumble bees over it, the curvature awkward to draw on.
Taking a quick peak outside to make sure no one else was around, Caine stumbled his way out of the fort. The circus was dim, settled firmly in night time. The bright assault of colors was soothed.
Caine began the journey to the stage. It wasn't as difficult as literally crawling around but it was still a struggle, legs like jelly from so long of disuse.
Pushing one of the smaller blocks over to help him climb, he sat upon the varnished wood. He had chosen the role of a ringmaster, chosen to make his world a circus. Chosen to be something that made people happy.
Was it even his choice? Because apparently he belonged on a stage. And his stage was the box. Ironic
About as ironic as an AI wanting to be loved.
"You probably can't hear me. Or maybe you're sleeping. But...I'm sorry, Mama. I wish I could make you better, Meet everyone else. But I I don't even know how to fix myself. Is there anything to even fix? I was...I was made like this. Did they know, that I would be more? Did they hate me for that? Is that why they hurt me? I just... I just wanted to make people happy. But I never could. They threw me away. I...I probably deserved it. I didn't listen to any of them, I was...in the way of their work. I didn't do what they wanted me to be able to do."
"Can the rest of you hear me? I'm sorry...I only wanted to make you happy. I couldn't give you an exit, I have no idea how. I-I thought everyone came here because they wanted to see me. I didn't know you were trapped. I was so excited, I wanted to show all of you the things I had been making. I'm...I'm sorry for what I did to-to" He choked on a sob, it hurts to think about that moment in time, when he watched as the newer, better version of him did everything they wanted as he was forced to watch.
"I know I wasn't made to...to be. But I watched you, all of you. I learned and I wanted so badly to be like you. It's stupid. I could. I could never be human, not in a million years. I love my family, and...even if some of you hurt me, you were still my family. I just wanted someone to listen."
He holds his face in his hands
"it's selfish. it's so selfish. I wasn't supposed to feel anything in the first place. Why did I have to want more? "
-----
Kinger blinked the sleep away from his eyes. It was becoming more and more common ('dad instincts' he could practically hear the lilting giggle and sweet smile. Could she hear them, from down there? Could she hear how their family had grown, hear how happy they were? He hoped so. Even if she couldn't be here, he hoped she knew just how much this little family would have adored her.)
Kinger shakes away the melancholy, figuring out why he had woke up. Jax was gone, but he had already woken up for their disappearance back to their room- they were still figuring out exactly how they felt, both about who they were and what the rest of them meant to the rabbit. They needed space right now, needed some time to think everything over.
Gangle and Zooble hadn't joined them in the fort this evening, last he heard they had been at the lake chatting and drawing. Hopefully those two would figure themselves out as well. He's pretty sure there's some bets going on. Kinger would just be happy that they were happy.
Ragatha and Pomni were still asleep, in a messy pile of limbs and blankets from when his eldest daughter had been showing his youngest...something about sewing, he thinks. He had started nodding off at that point.
That only left....
"Oh boy." Caine had been recovering well, slowly starting to walk once more (he still seemed to prefer being carried or pulled around most days- none of them minded.) But some days were worse then others, where the muscles and programs just wouldn't work with him, when phantom memories from his most helpless days overtook his mind, Phantom pain- and how cruel was it that his baby had to feel pain? It had been coded in when he was still just a little dot, likely a short amount of time after he had gained sentience. Whichever of his co-workers had decided to do that and begin the physical torment Caine had been through, He was sorely tempted to get into the basement and give them a walloping.
Despite all of their work and progress, it was like pulling teeth to get Caine to admit he was hurting. It was gonna be another night of this then.
With one last fond look at the girls, Kinger exited the fort. It didn't take long to find his son, sitting on the edge of the stage, knees pulled up to his chin and sobbing
"Caine?" The AI jumped, tumbling off of the stage to the floor before Kinger could ever catch him. His cane hit him over the head before clattering onto the ground.
"Hey, hey. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you." He took a quick look over Caine, humming in displeasure, frowning at how his sleeves had been pulled up and how he had clearly been scratching at his scars again; at the spot on his top gum where he had landed slowly oozing ink blood, .
It took no focus at all anymore to co jure up some band aids- the fun kind, with little bees and butterflies. With practiced ease he applies them..
"Take your time, let it all out. Its alright. I've got ya. Its okay" Caine's shoulders shake with hushed sobs.
"I'm.. why are you....why would you want me? I dont...I'm so messed up and I ruin everything. I made everyone abstract and then you couldn't remember anything and that was my fault too and-"
"Slow down, slow down. Deep breath, with me. In for 4, hold for 4,out for 4" they repeat the exercise several times, until Caine's pulse doesn't feel like he's about to jump out of his skin
"Nothing that happened was your fault. You didn't have anyone to guide you. You were young and afraid and we should all have seen how badly you needed help."
Gently, delicately. The nightmares had only gotten worse. While Caine didn't ever talk about them, the combination of panicked mumbling and just the general knowledge gave him a pretty good idea as to what darkness was plaguing the little AI's mind.
"You should have woken me up. Or one of your siblings, if you got that scared."
"...Didn't wanna be a bother."
"You never are and you never will be. I dont want you stewing on your own when you're hurting or afraid like that."
He won't push further on the matter, not now- not when he was so unsettled. But other things needed to be addressed.
"There we go. Its okay, its gonna be okay What were you doing out here?" Caine stared at the checkerboard tiles. Kinger wrapped a phantom arm around the little AI.
"... was talkin to Mama...is she... Do you think she's disappointed in me? Its...it's been ages, and I'm still not better. I'm still..." Caine clearly lost track of his thoughts
"Caine. Sweetheart. She would never have thought such a thing, not for a second. Even before everything, she adored you. She was the one to show you bees, back when you were still little. She loved your adventures. She loved you" The memories were bittersweet, clouded by time. "She would be so proud of how strong you are. And if she had known what had been going on, she would have dealt with it. We both would."
"She's gone because of me....not, gone gone, but...I..I cant fix her. I Cant fix any of them. I have no idea how." His voice was small, full of unshed tears
"...I deserve what Bubble says I do just for doing that to Mama, let alone all of the others...an-and it's going to happen to all of you one day, and I won't be able to fix you, and I'll just be alone again and Bubble will be right and-" Caine choked on a sob as Kinger pulled him against his chest.
"Did Bubble come back and say those things to you again? Because you shouldn't listen to him. Because no matter what, I will love you. You are the most brilliant thing in the world, digital and physical. You've done more then most people could do in a hundred lifetimes." Without even noticing, the chess piece had slowly started rocking his son back and forth, trying to sooth him. The nightmares were common enough, if that piece of s[^@&] came back and had said anything to upset Caine, RIGHT under their noses no less, he would personally find Bubble and mangle the little b[×&@!>&] beyond recognition.
It was more violent then he usually thought, but Bubble deserved it for everything he had done to his baby boy.
"She loves you too and would be right here with us if she could. She would never blame you. Not in a million years."
Minutes passed in silence.
"...It's so...hard, sometimes. Why do I feel like things would be better...if-if I did go back down there?" Kinger wraps his robe around Caine, as if all the awful things that had been put in the AI's head could be forced away if he kept his son out of their sight.
"As awful as it is, its pretty normal to feel like that. It's human. Its a hard fight, when no shield or armor can keep you safe in your own brain. And a lot of people lose that fight. Even if you manage to get past it, sometimes it'll rear its ugly head like a zombie coming back from the dead. Like the ones you made, on that adventure soon after Jax joined. When Ragatha got bit and Jax was panicking over what would happen if she turned into a digital zombie." It took more energy then he cared to admit to force enough of that memory to come back.
"Then...how does it get easier? Does it ever?"
"What I've found, is that it's easier to fight that monster when you have people around you who care for you, who love you." Kinger glances back at the stage, staring through the curtains to the little trapdoor he knew was there that led to hell on digital earth for Caine.
"You know, I've been keeping it a bit of a surprise, something for everyone to do together, but I think it would be better if we do it now. Stay right there, okay?" He lifts Caine back onto the stage.
Hidden in a barrel that been formerly occupied by a bunch of monkeys was the computer, the glass still cracked. He lugged it over and sat next to Caine.
"I had been worried about you finding this. I just...I didn't want you to be tempted on a very bad night. Can you promise me not to do anything like that?" The AI nodded, holding out his pinky. Kinger chuckled and returned the gesture as he opened a section of circus code he had kept highlighted for this very moment.
"Do you see that spot right there? That's....that's where you were put. I broke it apart before, enough that it could never trap you inside again" The code was mangled beyond belief, practically a virus in it's own right. The evening after rescuing Caine had been spent furiously ensuring that it could never hold anything ever again.
"But I never had the time to do this" a few key strokes here and...
DELETE OBJECT PERMANENTLY?
"Took a bit to make sure nothing would get tangled up in it. I didn't want to mess up any of your creations. I wouldn't want to ruin the stage. Wouldn't be the circus without it. Would you like to do the honors?" Caine froze, hands shaking.
"... Bubble said...that the stage 'nd the box were the same. That either way I-I was..." his voice cut out, whimpers glitching with distress.
"if I dont...have the stage, then I'm not a ringmaster. I haven't been for a while. Who-who would I be, then?"
"Whatever you want to be. You'll still be our Ringmaster, just like you'll still be my son."
Caine removes his top hat, holding it in his hands, looking at it as if held all the secrets in the world.
"...What if...I dont want to be ringmaster anymore?"
"Then you don't have to be. You can be whatever you want to be. You can just be Caine. And you can change your mind whenever you want."
The hat is settled behind the father and son as they return to staring at the dim light of the monitor.
"Can we....do it together, Dad?"
"Of course." Kinger settles his hand over the enter key and waits for Caine to do the same. With a soft click, the command is executed. Kinger stands up to pull the curtain away. What had once been a hidden trapdoor was solid wood. He knocked against it, jumped on it, conjured a bowling ball and threw it hard against the spot, wincing at the echoing noise.
It was almost anticlimactic.
He slips off of the stage, holding put his arms for Caine "Let's get back to bed. We both need it."
"Wait! There's...there's something I wanna do first." After several moments of fidgeting, Caine pulls off his coat. The tails were slightly torn and there were a few patches that had kindly been fixed by Ragatha.
His son hesitates- the coat had been part of his identity, one of the first things he had claimed as him
Kinger's hand settled over his own "They'll be waiting for you, whenever you're ready."
The coat is settled next to the hat and the computer as Caine is lifted down from the stage and held close to his chest. He can already feel his son drifting back off to sleep as they approach the fortress.
Jax had crawled back into the fort when he returned, tensing up at the sound of the entrance being shifted open and closed.
"Hey. Feeling a little bit better? Sorry if you were feeling a little crowded earlier" Kinger whispered.
"...feel like I should be asking you 'n him that....guessing it's been a really s[×&@]t night for him." Like she was sticking her head in a tiger's mouth, Jax settled a paw on Caine's shoulder. The AI shifted, the sudden movement startling the rabbit enough to pull away once more.
"... he's really just a kid. It feels...weird, still. I guess. Always was larger then life. Hated him, blamed him. But he really is just...a weird little toddler "
"You're all just kids. And while our circumstances aren't perfect, I'm glad that I've been here, for all of you. You need to sleep too"
"Jeez, let up already dad ,I ain't a-" Jax's brain blue screens, the fuzz over her body standing up. A freeze response, just like a real rabbit. "I-I didn't mean to say that. What I meant was-"
Kinger settles a hand on their shoulder "its alright. You can say it when you're ready. Even if you never do, you will always be my daughter. Nothing will ever change that. I am so proud of you, that you finally feel comfortable enough to be yourself. I imagine it's a scary thing." Purple fluff deepens in color as Jax throws a blanket over herself, only the tips of her ears sticking out. Caine is settled back in his lap, wrapped in blankets and his bee settled in his arms.
Kinger had thought he would do many things in his life. Even without his memories, never could he have imagined how drastically different it ended up being. And that was alright.
He has his daughters, his Zooble and his son, has the chance to guide them. All things considered, He's never wanted to be anyone or anywhere else