Work Text:
Walking the...Dog??
(This one is just, actual, crack. Pure, columbian cocaine. This will continue until I sleep. It...may be a bit. I saw a picture of Rob Downey walking an alpaca in what appears to be a dog collar and leash, and he's in a neighborhood...and...the rave squirrels that live in the seven-hundred open browser tabs dipped in a concoction of self-loathing, severe anxiety, and a bizarre arrogance that *are* my brain...just...Went with it. Enjoy!)
Pepper, pulling up to the cabin in her lexus, was...shocked...to put it mildly. Looking over, down the gravel lane that lead from the cabin out into the other few residential homes that were within a few miles of their own farm, was her daughter and husband, and...an alpaca.
The alpaca wasn't a surprise, the family had four of them: Madre, Fuzzy, Dandy, and Miss Brain. And, there were definitely occasions when one or all of them would be taken out and moved from one field to another, or brought out for veterinary care, etc.
But, this -- this was a new one for Pepper.
Because Dandy was not wearing a typical halter, but instead he was wearing what appeared to be an extra large dog collar, and a *leash* in a bright floral pattern. He also sported a purple bandana tied around his neck, the kind that dogs received after having been to the groomers.
And, leading this scenario was her husband, wearing what appeared to be an expensive navy pinstripe three peice suit, complete with, oddly, a kelly green bow tie; and their daughter, dressed in the frilliest bright blue dress she owned, hair curled, and a tiara on her head.
Morgan can't curl her own hair, Tony has to have been her stylist. When did he learn that? Pepper's brain was so riddled with surprise, her subconscious was just randomly firing on which question to ask first.
After a pause, Pepper continued pulling up into the driveway and parked the car. She simply sat, staring, for several long, quiet, minutes as the bizarre trio made their way up the lane, clearly heading for the pasture or the barn.
Eventually, Tony, Morgan, and a bemused looking Dandy, walked by, with Morgan waving enthusiastically. Tony gave Pepper a thumb's up, and Dandy somehow looked...embarrassed.
Observing them as they continued on to the paddock where Dandy lived with the rest of the herd, Pepper watched as Tony unclipped Dandy's "leash", took off his collar and bandana, and then turned him out, the rest of the alpacas watching with varying levels of interest. Having accomplished that chore, Tony bent down and scooped Morgan up, and they headed over to where Pepper was still sitting in the car, but she had rolled the windows down.
"Uhm, Tony...what...what was that? Are you...WALKING...the alpaca??" She questioned, her expression clearly wondering if her husband had finally succumbed to the psychotic break they'd all figured was going to get him, eventually.
Every man has a breaking point Pepper thought to herself with a wince.
With a bright grin that was far too eager for comfort, Tony's response was not conducive to reassuring her.
"Morgan wanted a dog. Dandy was the closest animal we had. Besides, he's really cute in his collar, and I think he really likes that neck scarf."
Pepper just...stared. Wondering how she was supposed to respond to that...And if she had Tony placed under a seventy-two hour psych hold, how long it would be before he escaped anyway.
Morgan, who had been quiet up until this point, spoke up. "Hi Mommy! Dandy was the bestest boy!" Pepper just waved back absently with two of her fingers.
Morgan then tugged on Tony's shoulder, requesting to be put down. "Okay, but don't get muddy, all right? I don't want to give you a fifth bath today," Tony replied as he set her down and both of her parents watched as Morgan ran off towards the porch.
Turning his attention back to Pepper, Tony, looking quite pleased with himself, continued. "I tried to put a harness on Dilly...that...didn't go so hot..." And he held up his right hand, now heavily bandaged, though there were still some pinkish stains having soaked through the gauze at the meaty part of his thumb.
"She said 'NO'."
Pepper's mouth just tightened, and her eyes took on a particular look.
Tony blinked several times, looking somehow both insane and forlorn, before he smiled mischeviously. Pepper felt her stomach twist in something not unlike terror.
With a long-suffering sigh, Pepper got out of the car, making sure to take her keys, and stashing them into her pocket as she did.
"You know we're going to go to the emergency room now, right? Because cat bites are notorious for blood poisoning, and I'm not dealing with another Paladium-type incident with you. Once was enough."
"But, Pepper, I cleaned it all out really well, and the ER is cold, and crowded, and we'll have to wait forever! I really think I'll be okay. I used the rubbing alcohol. Morgan may have expanded her vocabulary," Tony replied, his expressive eyes suddenly huge, and seeming to hold some actual fear in them at the prospect of medical intervention.
Pepper just shook her head in denial of his protests. "Nope. Not going to happen. You, Morgan, and I are heading over there. But, there's one up-side to this. You're already all dressed up, and now you have somewhere special to go!"
AN: Reviews are bread and butter for a writer, if you enjoyed this, or have criticisms, please take a moment to review. And if you have anything you'd like to see happen in this little universe I'm playing in, let me know! Plot bunnies love to share the toast and jam, too. - RB