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“I’m beary sorry, Yosuke!”
The blonde looked up at him apologetically, frowning with his hands clasped together, overgrown bangs slightly covering his blue eyes.
“Just– just leave me alone Ted. Go put on that dumb bear suit of yours and entertain customers at the food court or something.”
Teddie hurried away, nearly knocking over something else as he rushed away from Yosuke’s venom. Yosuke felt bad at snapping at the boy, especially since he had grown to see Teddie as something of a little brother, he just was in a really bad mood today. It was the 21st of April, meaning that it had officially been a full month since Yu had boarded Yasoinaba Station and left him here in Inaba to rot by himself. He had the others but it just wasn’t the same– lately Yukiko and Chie had only hung out with each other, and most of his conversations with Kanji had just ended up with the other boy getting upset. Okay, so maybe that’s how it was before too, with the only difference being that Naoto and Rise had grown closer in Yu’s absence. Still, the balance of the friend group felt distorted without their leader, his partner. And now, instead of sulking in peace over just how shitty everything has felt, he was stuck putting back the DVDs Teddie had accidentally knocked over, putting them back in the basket that held a yellow circular sign labeled 'bargain bin’.
It was a recent addition– something about raising customer loyalty through good deals. Each one was cheap, all of them being roughly ¥398. He rushes through the process of putting the DVDs back, but one of them still manages to catch his eye. Labeled ブロークバック・マウンテン in big white letters and stating ‘Brokeback Mountain’ on top, it had two men, one of them turned to the left and looking down while the other was turned to the right in the same position, although you could see more of his face than the other guys. The masculine features that still managed to have a touch of softness to them reminded him of Yu, the rural plan and water behind the two men making him wonder if Yu missed the riverbank. The men as well had cowboy hats on, indicating to him that it must have been a western film, maybe specifically an American one. He found himself intrigued, for it seemed to hold the impression of nothing like any other movie he’s ever seen before. Bored and having no plans for the foreseeable future since it planned to rain all week, Yosuke picks it up, curious on what the foreign flick has to offer.
* * *
Yosuke plops down onto his bed, having his room all to himself being that Teddie had volunteered to help Yukiko with her clutter of work at the inn, self aware that it was more than likely partially with the intent of giving him space. Trying to outfocus his guilt, Yosuke puts the disc in the port of his laptop, choosing the original English dub and selecting the Japanese subtitles. It starts off slow and peaceful, eyes glued to the screen as the two men herd their sheep– Jack and, what’s his name, Ennis? He chuckles to himself with a knowing laugh as he watches the two men interact. The banter, the playfulness mixed with the dryness all in one, makes him think about this time last year, back when he and Yu had just met. Most things about last spring made his heart ache, notably the murder of Saki, but Yu had been his constant ball of light at the end of a dark tunnel. The boy had promised to visit during Golden week, but the return would not be permanent and therefore would not be a completely satisfactory replacement for the joy that came with seeing him everyday. These thoughts, while innocent, caress the unnamed pit deep in his stomach that he’s been trying all month to ignore. He’d been admired by Yu’s essence since the moment they became acquainted, but with his absence these thoughts had grown into something suffocating he did not know how to name, admiration and devotion with nowhere to go.
That aside, the film then reaches a moment in which Jack invites Ennis inside of the tent due to Ennis freezing outside. He feels his face turn a bit hot at being reminded of Yu once again, specifically their time on the class camping trip from last year, the two men on screen laid in the same proximity that he and Yu had been. They had sat in a comfortable silence with occasional laughter as they thought about Chie & Yukiko’s cooking. Once the laughter had bubbled over it had turned serious– they had talked about the murders, on how the school trips in Inaba differed from the school trips they had experienced back in the city, they had talked about everything. In that moment, Yosuke felt connected to someone in a way he had never felt before, felt understood in a way that went beyond just words of agreement. But then, Kanji came crawling in, asking if it would be okay if he stayed the night. Of course Yu, as caring and understanding as always, had allowed Kanji in with open arms. His jaw clenches at the memory as he remembers what he had said to Kanji as a result. Yosuke himself didn’t understand why he had cared so much to the point of him saying something so awful. Kanji was his friend too after all, so why had his mere presence set off a passive aggressive sense of rage inside of him?
Yosuke’s train of thought is broken off as the boys, who were just moments ago simply just laying next to each other, kiss. It all happens so fast, and within seconds they’ve far surpassed second base. What the hell? He feels a curl of disgust twist up inside his gut, merging with an unexplainable sort of desire. This itself acts as a source of fuel for the disgust, making it grow stronger. He closes his laptop shut with a thud, pushing it to the other side of his bed.
* * *
Yosuke does not reopen his laptop until he is sure that everyone in the house is asleep, afraid of being caught even if not necessarily doing anything wrong. The entire time during dinner he had stared at his plate blankly with nervous tension, so when he finally has the chance to go back up to his room, when he presses resume on the movie he does so carefully, as if handling something both equally delicate and nauseating. He finds himself feeling ill as the movie now details the wedding of Ennis and his girlfriend Alma. He finds himself feeling a bit disappointed. I mean, all that just took place and the guy decided to marry a girl? Move on? How do you move on from something that was so physical? He could not even move on from Yu, who was just his friend and nothing more, so what did it say about him that he was so emotionally attached and sad over him that he couldn’t picture himself with a girl? He doesn’t like– doesn’t understand– any of this, he can’t take it anymore, but he was still curious. He presses the fast forward button, watching everything zoom by, too fast to process or inject. The love, the sadness, the death all in his place all at once. He felt a chronic emptiness. Sometimes at night if he got too bored, he would ask Teddie if he wanted to watch tv or a movie together, but he had fucked up with him for today. Right now it felt as if he had ruined everything with everyone that was physically still there– including Kanji, the only person that may have some sort of words of wisdom for his complicated feelings .
Despite how shitty he could be, Yu had always stuck with him. Maybe that’s why I miss him in a way you don’t usually miss another guy. Yeah, that’s got to be it. Yosuke says this to himself, although he knows full heartedly that it wasn’t the full truth. Desperate to prove to himself he can talk to Yu and feel nothing, Yosuke reaches over to his nightstand and grabs his phone;
“hey man. I miss you.”
His thumb hovers over the send button for what feels like forever. He can’t bring himself to send it. Yosuke holds down on delete before putting his phone back on his nightstand, staring up at his roof. He goes to bed, and in the morning he’ll act like the constant reflections shining back on him meant nothing at all. He’ll snap at one of his friends if things get hard, he’ll continue to be an asshole to Kanji, and most importantly he’ll choose the safety of suffocation over a desire he doesn’t know how to name. But maybe, just maybe, when he wakes up to see that Yu had messaged him while he was asleep, he’ll be reminded that there is still time.