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Rain fell on the other side of the island, although the clouds overhead stayed light. Nonthreatening. The closer plants held water pooled in their leaves. The Hoard had anchored near enough that Scott could observe the native vegetation with Mae’s spyglass without needing to go off himself. He would like to, though. The air, heavy, humid and most of all hot, had to nurture some plants very different to what he knew.
Even with the weather barely tamed by a breeze just as warm, Nom had made it his life mission to remain glued to Scott’s back. Nevermind the sweat he could feel dripping between his shoulder blades. It certainly did not help that Nom’s body temperature had never seemed closer to their surroundings. He had traded his coat for a sleeveless shirt, at least. Tied his long hair back. It had taken Katie at least half an hour to convince him, though.
Only two fingers separated the sun from the horizon. Temperatures would drop soon. Thankfully.
Nom had Scott caged between his strong arms, as if the tide might suddenly come in and sweep him away. It wasn’t the hands, resting lightly on the wood bannister in front, or the chest pressed against him that distracted Scott from his observation of the land. Rather, his mind contemplated the soft exhales that trickled down his shoulder. The phantom touch of a mouth against the skin exposed by his slipping shirt.
“Nom. What are you doing?”
This specific arrangement had first happened in their sleep, more and more often, until Nom took to plastering himself behind Scott even awake. For how little physical contact he otherwise initiated, the position had somehow become natural. A common occurrence, definitely not rare enough to warrant the roots in Scott’s guts.
He hadn’t paid attention to how they had grown, slowly, pervasively, and reached depths he didn’t know possible. Over time, they had tangled around his insides. He barely paid attention to the new weight. Scott only noticed for the first time in a moment such as this one, when he felt that tug. When it was way too late to unravel them.
“Hm?”
When he had Nom close behind, brushing on the thin layer of fuzz back and forth. The softness of those lips, in comparison with the scratch of barely grown stubble, burned. The urge to drag his nails over that jaw did too. Thank Gods Nom held him up somewhat, or he would have a molten Scott on his hands. He had to fight his ears for them to stay pinned against his skull.
“This. What is this that you’re doing?”
Scott brought down the spyglass. He hadn’t been paying attention to what it showed him anyways. Reflected on the shallow waves, the sun winked gold.
“What do you mean?”
Nom pulled back just enough to speak, but the tickle of his breath still made Scott’s back curl. A few days ago, Katie had caught them in a similar position in the kitchen. Not that they were trying to hide, really, but she had still ran off with a screech. That incident had started the unescapable thoughts that plagued Scott’s mind.
“What is it when you’re- touching me like this?”
Katie’s reaction had brought back a memory of a younger Scott seeing his parents kiss. He had hurried to his room just the same. But Scott and Nom’s situation didn’t compare. Right? There had to be a logical reason for Nom to act like this. In colder climates, it was obvious but here? Scott had no clue.
It couldn’t be.
“You have soft skin. It feels nice.”
Nom emphasised his answer with a sweep of his nose. All that remained of Scott’s scars were faint lines, almost an entire year old. Those nearest his wrists or the opening of his shirt made for tan stripes but the others had faded. If not for their glossiness, an unaware observer would likely not catch them at all. They interrupted the feeling of skin when touched across rather than along. Scott didn’t quite get what Nom enjoyed about the uneven wrinkling.
“So does Mae.”
He retorted quietly as his chin dipped down. Nom didn’t go plastering himself to Mae, as far as Scott knew. And her skin was in fact soft. Mae had a fondness for hugs and physical affection that Scott had been subject to many times. Even her hands, roughened by climbing up and down the mast, remained nice to the touch. Not that Scott minded calluses.
“Scott, be clear, I’m stupid.”
Nom groaned as he dropped his forehead into Scott. It would hurt, Scott knew, when he got to the bottom of it, but he needed to know. If only to satisfy his curiosity, to quiet those questions rattling in his mind, he had to ask.
“I just want to know why you do this with me and not…”
Maybe Scott shouldn’t be mentioning at all, actually. A gust of wind bent a tall tree with fan-shaped leaves near the shore. Nom definitely acted differently around him than the rest of the crew. That much was evident. A bead of sweat rolled down his temple. He didn’t bother wiping it off.
“Why are you questioning it now? Did someone say something? Or do you- do you want to stop?”
Scott could feel his frown. Nom worried. He might try to hide it under jokes and teases, but he worried a lot. About many things. But not himself, never himself. Scott? Very often. When he came near the railings or lit the fire in the stove or sat down to rest for a little bit or even when somebody new talked to him like in Meadowhall- Scott gripped the spyglass tighter.
“No! I’ve just been thinking- We haven’t spoken about this at all and I’m- mmm…”
Scott didn’t want to know.
He did.
He couldn’t.
He had to.
“You are?”
Nom’s voice barely cut through the rainforest of Scott’s thoughts. With each word he said, each thought he gave in to, Scott took another step deeper into it. How long until he got completely stuck inside, lost and turned around? No, he had to speak, he had to keep going. He had to press on to reach the other side.
“I. I am scared that- what if this doesn’t mean the same to us both?”
Gods, his heart hurt. Nom might as well have plucked it out and squeezed as hard as he could with those strong hands. Scott would pry it out of his ribcage himself to give it over.
Scott knew, whatever the answer could be, that Nom meant well. He didn’t have the bitterness to intentionally harm somebody like that. That did not eliminate other possibilities, though, and those might be more painful. What if Nom hadn’t thought about it? What if it truly meant nothing? What if it was all friendly, just in a way that he didn’t have with the rest of them? What if he got tired of it eventually?
Worse, what if Nom thought Scott needed it and fulfilled the role only for Scott’s sake?
“It means to me whatever it does to you.”
Wrong turn amidst the towering trees. Scott took in a shuddery breath, not without difficulty. His heart clenched and he couldn’t retain a wince. His ears beat once.
“No, Nom-”
The perspiration covering Scott became ice cold when Nom pulled away. His arms left Scott’s sides, abandoning him in favour of leaning them on the railing. Scott didn’t dare look over.
“I want whatever you want. I’m easy, I go with the flow, I can follow your lead.”
Was Scott getting some sort of heatstroke? Maybe so. Why else would his pulse run so fast, his body swing from sweltering to glacial, his hands clam up, his throat tighten, his head spin?
“But how far does that reach? You can’t just be happy with anything.”
Scott needed to sit down. He should sit down. There was always a crate nearby. Or a barrel! What a fun change of scenery!
“Why not? I’ve got my friends, I’ve got my boat, I’ve got you, that’s all I need.”
No, he needed to throw up. Scott shut his eyes tightly to try and fight off the feeling. Why did Nom keep skirting around the subject? Did he wish to spare Scott’s feelings? Poor little pathetic Scott couldn’t take rejection to his face? Then he would just need to ask more plainly.
“And if you had to give up one of the three? What if what I wanted, eventually in the future, was incompatible with those?”
This was awful, Scott felt awful. He shouldn’t be putting those kinds of intentions on Nom who had never been anything but kind to him. Not once had Nom even implied that he thought of Scott as anything but a friend.
Anything but a friend…
Nom remained quiet for a while, although it might have only been that way for Scott. It gave him a chance to get his lungs back under control, at least, taming some of the nausea. Hair stuck to his cheeks, damp and shiny. He wiped them with the back of a shaky hand that he concealed again by crossing his arms over his middle.
“If you’re happier without me, then I’d let you go.”
Scott considered the water down below. A lovely teal that undulated in gentle waves, headed for the white beach of the island. He really wanted to wash off, perhaps even put his head under the surface and stay there. Submerge his traitorous ears entirely. Only to make everything quiet.
Go back to the very start, begin anew, and do it right this time.
“That is not what I am saying.”
Scott knew he would do it all again the exact same way. He had no doubt about that. Nom leaned into his field of vision with what should be a convincing nod.
“It would hurt but I can take it. I’m very strong, you know. Wouldn’t even cry. If it makes you happy, I’ll take all the pain.”
Maybe if he pretended that he hadn’t heard Nom, they could at least go back to before this mess of a conversation. Nom was strong, he had that much correct. And Scott liked it, too. But this? It had to be the most idiotic thing Scott had ever heard, and he had gone to school with the grocer’s son. That one didn’t take up the family business.
“You’re lucky you’re pretty, Nom, because how have you gotten so far in life..?”
Scott huffed, pressing a hand to the throb in his forehead. The normalcy of the teasing released some tension. Nom grinned in the corner of his eyes, way too wide for someone who had just been mildly insulted.
“Thank you!”
What a botched attempt at a confession this all was. Scott shook his head. He stared at the ocean. Wiped his clammy hands on his trousers, uselessly. Swallowed down the ball clogging his throat. He could do this. He had to or this would only get worse until he actually jumped off the ship and swam ashore.
“You- ugh. I just have to say it then.”
Scott turned to face Nom fully, bent slightly to meet his eyes. In the angled light, they could pass for those wide flowers with the long pistils that covered the island. The rich red petals sprouted from large bushes that sprawled over the ground. Nom watched Scott with undivided attention. Confidence that was very much not warranted filled Scott, all of a sudden.
“I want to stay. With you, Nominal, you specifically. That is what makes me happy. I am asking if you feel the same way. I am asking if, when you’re- rubbing my shoulder with your face or whatever it is you do, that is what you have in mind.”
There. Scott couldn’t take it back anymore. He had put in his wager, rolled his dice. Only Nom could declare his points.
Nom listened, thought, frowned. All while remaining silent. Scott plunged underwater, drooping ears rendered deaf by the pressure. Nom’s eyes widened, eventually, as they drifted over the sea.
“I'm not half the man you think I am. You don't know what I've done.”
His voice lowered, shadows sculpting his face into a marble statue. His nose made for a striking profile, straight and confident. The glasses resting upon it caught the sun into a gold fractal over his cheekbone. Scott thought him strong. Flawed. Human. And that only made him more captivating.
“I know enough. I know that you regret whatever you did. I know that you carry the weight of your scars like a promise to never forget.”
Scott had caught Nom staring at the ones on his fingers, once. He had his hands up really close to his face, cross-eyed, as if he discovered them for the first time. Or as if he lived it all over again. Scott had slipped away. It hadn’t been his place to intervene.
Regularly, and even now, Scott couldn’t look away from the long feathery scar barring Nom’s chest. Every night, he fought back the urge to trail his fingers along the pale line. Press his lips all along, as far as it reached. Show Nom that he accepted them and everything he had done to receive them. That he wanted Nom for all that he was.
“I don't deserve you.”
Scott had never heard Nom laugh so wistfully. He was supposed to be loud and bold and proud, not… doubtful.
“And I don't care. The Mage God could come down Itself to separate us that I would still fight for you. As long as you want me. Too.”
Scott asserted again. If this conversation had to crush his heart, he refused for it to come from Nom’s insecurities. That would mean he hadn’t explained well enough that he craved this present Nom in front of him, not some idealistic knight in shining armour who always did the right thing.
“Oh. Oh! Okay…”
And he said nothing more. That hurt. The silence snuffed out the fire in Scott’s chest with a single blow. At least he had spoken his truth. Nevermind that the pain happened straight away.
“I can give you some space to-”
Scott took a step back and his knee threatened to give out. The ship rolled under him. He grasped the railing tight just as Nom managed to catch his waist. Now really was time for that barrel.
“No, please. It’s just- I thought it was so obvious. I thought you knew already. I couldn’t- do that to you.”
Nom admitted. Maybe the signs had been there all along, but it could all have been circumstantial. Katie hadn’t received a staff forged with her favourite flowers but she didn’t have magic. Mae hadn’t been asked to share a bed but she didn’t run cold from a weakened constitution. 4C hadn’t originated a new mash recipe but he didn’t nearly starve to death.
Scott had joined the Hoard in a very peculiar situation that blurred all the lines of what normal relationships were. After the hell inflicted upon him, any act of kindness, compassion, even basic respect could have been mistaken for greater sentiments. He could not convince himself that the man who saved his life, admittedly not on his own, would feel deeper for him.
“Why would I be asking if I knew?”
It made no sense, but Nom rarely thought that far ahead when it came to communicating. Actions only spoke louder than words to a certain extent. Maybe confiding about and then confronting his greatest fear with no hesitation should have brought up some doubts. Still, he couldn’t simply assume…
“That’s what confused me.”
Scott took a ragged breath when Nom pressed his thumb over his hipbone gently. He played it off by clearing his throat. He knew Nom well enough now to see the ghost of that cocky smirk at his lips.
“Not a hard thing to do.”
Scott bit back to distract from the warm weight that he definitely wanted to disappear. It did nothing to help him through the jungle, only muddled his thoughts further. Not to mention the unbuttoned shirt that fell a little more open with Nom’s chest-deep laugh.
“Hey!”
Nom shouted in protest but his eyes glimmered. Scott wanted to reach out so badly. Pull the tie out of his hair, straighten up his clothes, smooth out a few rogue eyebrow hairs. Any excuse to brush his fingers over Nom’s heated skin. He could only hold the spyglass tighter, the metal warm from how long he had it in hand. Nom glanced down towards the movement.
“I figured you enjoyed what we have without needing to talk about it.”
That probably was how Nom felt about the whole thing. Easier for everything to go unsaid, to take it as it came and expect nothing further. Easier, until ideas of more, of possibilities, of heartbreak crept in and spread like a plague. Until Scott found himself wanting more.
“Well I did. But, but things have changed and I couldn’t just assume that we were on the same page anymore, which is why I asked and now I think I just made everything worse.”
What if backing Nom into a corner and forcing him to do some introspection made him realise he didn’t actually want this? Or that he couldn’t match the levels that Scott felt? The nervous beat of his ears could no longer be kept at bay. He didn’t want to put all of this problem on Nom or trick him into somehow having to fix it. Scott already owed him so much. He didn’t know how he would ever pay back all that Nom had done for him. Even though he didn’t seem to realise it.
“Scott…”
No, no, Scott could not lose himself to that spiral a second time in front of him. He had to put an end to this, one way or the other. He shook his head before Nom could speak again.
“I feel for you more intensely than I've ever felt before and, I'm- honestly it scares me.”
The crux of the issue, finally out in the open. Scott’s shoulders, pulled tight towards his ears up until now, finally dropped with relief. Whatever happened now, at least he had said his piece. No more hypotheticals, no more overthinking.
“You don't have to be scared. I’ll protect you.”
Hah. Leave it to Nom to try and defend Scott, no matter what came at him. It could be bears, skeletons, winged creatures, Nom couldn’t care less if his fists were able to make contact. He would fight it. And probably win, somehow. He had that kind of luck.
“From my own feelings? Don't know that you can.”
Scott was an adult. He could get a hold of himself.
Nom got a hold of him first. Guess he didn’t like his abilities being doubted. He grabbed Scott by the elbows to pull him closer. All he could see, suddenly, turned into Nom. The dark hair spiked up around his face, the tender brown eyes, the faint cupid’s bow softening his lips… They had never been so close, at least not facing one another. An iron chain wrapped around Scott’s head, the pull forward incessant.
“I’ll be very clear then. I- To me, you’re- hmm…”
Scott blinked rapidly when Nom’s touch slipped down his arm to his hand. He pushed it right on top of his chest, slipping away the spyglass with the other. Nom definitely made use of those muscles, they were firm- but Scott didn’t dwell on it further. The heartbeat pounded against his palm, hurried, strong, unmistakable. A heat rose to Scott’s cheeks that he already thought flushed just from the air.
“You are the person that I trust. The most. I want to keep you safe and, and happy, no matter what it takes. I’d stop sailing if you asked-”
Nom’s speech came with pauses as he considered his words carefully. Scott didn’t want to stop him, not when it was what he had wanted to hear without knowing it, but Nom pushed further than Scott had expected.
“I’m not asking you to-”
Despite his deluded question earlier, if Scott ever wanted to leave the Hoard, he could never take it away from Nom. It was obvious that it meant the world to him, quite literally. Selfishly, Scott would let Nom go but refused to allow Nom to do the same. However, Nom was not having it. He insisted, giving Scott a shake with each sentence to sail his point home.
“Scott, I would sink the Hoard and myself with it if that was what you wanted. If it would make you happy. Hell, even if it only brought you a smile. Because you being happy is what makes me happy. You're the wind swelling my sails, the hammer honing my blade, the lighthouse keeping my ship from the shoals. You’re the only ocean I want to swim in. Do you understand?”
Scott stared as Nom hacked at the vines, sword in hand, freeing Scott from their hold. Past them, a path revealed itself among the bushes. The trees parted. Scott escaped the rainforest without any more struggle.
“Was that too much?”
Nom asked uncertainly when Scott kept to a stunned silence. He hadn’t known Nom capable of such poetic language. Or vulnerability.
“No, that was- very good. Clear, as you said. Just what I needed. Thanks.”
Scott had become the one who didn’t know how to communicate. Nom had stolen all the words from him. His ears fluttered out of control but he didn’t even try to stop them. Nom looked up at Scott through dark lashes, above his glasses, eyes shiny and deep and gorgeous, brown like the nourishing earth that Scott loved. The man that Scott could… love.
The cravings finally won. Scott gave into the pull.
Scott leant down to press a kiss to the corner of Nom’s lips. Nom did not waste a single second in chasing Scott and properly connecting their mouths. He cupped a palm at Scott’s neck who followed easily. Scott’s hand, now freed from the spyglass that Nom had stashed somewhere, slipped to his waist. Ever closer.
Objectively, this kiss was rather awkward. Scott’s faint inhale whistled, noses blocked by one another. Nom’s glasses crashed into Scott’s eyebrow when he tilted his head. Their teeth clanked together as they kept going. Nom’s relentless grip tugged at his hair painfully. A patch of Scott’s dry lips scratched Nom. Scott had little experience, and apparently so did Nom. Surprising.
However, when they parted for air, not yet knowing how best to breathe through it, and Nom grinned wide and sharp… All that Scott wanted was to do it all over again. He held on to Nom’s waist more strongly to steady himself. He swayed, drunk on the feeling. Would Nom’s teeth break skin? Scott had never noticed how pointed they were. He couldn’t stop looking at his mouth.
“Your ears are not stopping, huh?”
Nom teased lightly. The bloodrush to Scott’s face came immediate and hot, over his nose, cheeks, all the way to the tips of those very ears. Scott leaned his head aside, pushing Nom’s hand up with his shoulder, until it held him. It limited the vibrations but Nom could now feel it all the better. Also, what nerve he had to make fun of when the heartbeat under Scott’s palm didn’t weaken either.
“You are so…”
Flushed? Flustered? Shy? Because Scott felt like all of those.
“Breathtaking.”
The tangles in Scott’s torso uprooted violently. He wrapped his arm entirely around Nom, clutching him as he endured the almost painful tug. Nom took his weight without protest, his hand a delightful warmth on Scott’s jaw for only a second longer as it moved to better hold him.
“You’re-”
The best thing that had happened to Scott.
“My rain after drought.”
Nom’s heart faltered, ever so obviously now that Scott could feel all of him. His cheek rested against the side of Scott’s head.
“Nothing I do will make you change your mind, huh?”
Even with the low rumble of his ribcage that normally carried out so far, Nom sounded unsure. It didn’t suit him very well.
“I stand with you for better or for worse. No matter what. As long as you will have me.”
Scott confirmed and Nom murmured thanks into his hair. He heard every bit of the long breath Nom took.
“Always.”
Nom’s nose played at the airy curls that spilled over Scott’s shoulders. Mae had cut the ends recently, which had only served in making it more floaty. Scott didn’t mind. Nom sure seemed to agree.
“You inspire me to become better. To not be a stain to your perfection.”
It would take a while to convince Nom to let go of that thought, hm. For someone who acted so confidently, Nom sure had an inaccurate view of himself. And of Scott.
“I'm not perfect-”
Scott refuted softly, interrupted by the sharp pain of a bite on his ear. It hurt only for the second it took to cut his breath short and fleeted away right after.
“To me you are.”
Scott hoped he would someday manage to pay back the favour and reduce Nom to a puddle just the same. For now, the red dusting his skin would have to do. Scott found it really cute. He had never felt such giddiness. Even in all his joy, a tiny thorn remained.
“So… Why do you only do the- the back hug? It’s a bit of a step past hand holding.”
That had happened, on occasion. Maybe it felt more intimate to Nom.
Scott tilted his head aside when Nom slid his face down into his neck. It was different when they were chest to chest. His breath streamed right over his collarbone. Scott would never confirm what noise he made at that sensation. Nom only huffed and pressed a kiss to the dip of his shoulder.
“You smell good.”
Nom mumbled against his skin. The reasoning held up. He wouldn’t really be able to smell anything with just hand contact. Scott knew a lot about scents, they made for powerful weapons. The first time they had passed by a blooming magnolia since Scott had joined the crew, he cried.
“What do I smell like then?”
A shiver ran down Scott’s spine when Nom took a deep inhale. He had expected Nom to already have a thought on the matter, not to sniff him so fervently. Still, he didn’t complain.
“Grass. Cut grass. And soil.”
Scott had been tending to his garden earlier in the day, some must have stuck to him then. He had also not had the opportunity to bathe or even rinse off yet. If they could get close enough to the island to disembark, he would try to find a stream. He hadn’t sat in running freshwater in a long time. He missed the vitality that filled him after.
“I’m drenched in sweat.”
He whispered, but really, they all were with this weather. Except 4C. Well. He didn’t sweat in so many words. Rather, he left his outer layer of slime on everything he touched, even with his gloves on. He had to drink profusely to limit his shrinking.
“I like it.”
Nom punctuated his statement with another drag of his lips over the clammy surface. It made Scott choke on his own saliva and, to his dismay, forced him away to regain his breath.
“Gross…”
Scott groaned past the blockage in his throat. What a hypocrite. As if he hadn’t been eyeing the shine gracing Nom’s exposed skin all day. Nom lifted a hand to Scott’s ear and- Traitors. They had started trembling again. Nom laughed loudly at the keening noise that bubbled up when he grazed a finger over the shell of it up to the point.
“Okay, that’s enough for today, I think.”
The touch fell away when Scott stepped back. Nom pouted playfully but allowed him the space. They could both use a bit of alone time to think things through on their own without getting caught up in each other again. That happened all too often.
“About time! Strained yourself there, Nom, didn’t you?”
Nom’s head snapped to the side. Katie’s laugh rang out, her feather bobbing along as she ran off. He locked onto his target, stomping across to the stairs with long strides.
“Katie- You’re going to say hi to the deck from up close!”
Scott barely caught a mess of curls ducking behind the railing of the crow’s nest. Fresh stains shone blue on the ropes nearest the top.
Hard to get privacy in the middle of the ocean.