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Gen knows he should be above hatred, but he is not.
Though, it's hardly unjustifiable.
Xeno plays an essential role in their newfound world. In their Kingdom of Science, which was no longer a small operation considering the feats they have accomplished. Reviving thousands if not tens of thousands by now, and having been to the moon and back with Xeno's knowledge and assistance. So much has happened since, and yet Gen cannot find it within himself to be comfortable around the man. He hates him.
Three years have passed and still, Gen has not gotten over it.
That's only counting the years he was conscious and not the seven years Suika was working tirelessly to revive them. Still the years hardly felt like much time when Gen is alone in the night thinking where the bullet hit him, hit Taiju.Or Senku, or Ryusui, a culmination of all their work became a massacre.
Everytime he thought he could move past it, he sees Stanley or Xeno and he knows his hatred has not waned in the slightest. A hatred exacerbated by fear and distrust.
Everyone else moved on, and Gen feels almost childish whenever he decides to exit a room as quick as possible when they're in it. Or whenever he deliberately kept his conversations as short as possible whenever Xeno or Stanley are mentioned. On occassion, he'll deliver a message to one or both like there's not a better way to communicate by now.
Senku claims efficiency in Gen's usage of language and Gen claims he has far better uses of his time than messenger bird, but he always relents to Senku's requests. He always does his job while trying not to display his averse emotions toward either Xeno or Stanley. He thinks he does a pretty good job at compartmentalizing this considering the heaviness of his emotions.
The idea of forgiveness was there. The idea of "letting go" nice enough in theory. He thinks it might just be to placate Senku though and not from any real place within himself.
When Stanley was suggested to be the pilot on that mission instead of Ryusui, Gen wasn't surprised. Even without Ryusui's later revealed internal conflict on the matter, Gen knew Senku or Xeno might have suggested Stanley for this. He thought it'd be sooner actually.
Stanley Synder would have been revived eventually. Inevitably. Xeno was Stanley's partner, lover, though not confirmed explicitly when they were all in America, it was surely obvious to anyone who was unfortunate enough to spend five minutes with the two of them. Gen got that sense within his initial impressions. Just meeting them in their fortress on the first day. Their casual touching, Xeno's gaze and Stanley's deference. Gen felt like he was intruding on something just being there.
He quickly became more concerned with himself soon enough. When he turned himself over to them pretending to defect, Stanley didn't like or trust him even then. Gen did some of the best lying of his career and he wasn't endearing enough because Stanley only saw him as a threat.
Gen was no threat, because later, it was Stanley gunning them all down in the relentless pursuit for Xeno. Something which should have ended sooner than that, and Xeno not stopping him.
…Gen knew Xeno was invaluable, he knew that. Having Stanley back to be with Xeno felt like saying there was nothing wrong with what they'd done.
Senku allowed Xeno more and more trust and integration with their group. He became their ally, and they worked toward the future as something like equals. It probably wouldn't have even been difficult for Xeno to convince Senku to release Stanley on his own.
In the end, Senku was a forgiving person. He was kind, a bit inept when it came to tact, but he was always forgiving. Tsukasa, Hyoga, Moz, were just a few examples, Gen shouldn't feel hurt by Senku's lack of judgement against them.
Only Gen expressed something of concern at Senku’s announcement of Stanley’s imminent revival. His words were quickly overshadowed by the collective need to reach the moon. (Senku looked at him a bit strangely which said something to Gen without words.)
Kohaku showed some concern but she was quickly convinced that Stanley was the right person to pilot. Gen shoved his own emotions down after that because at least he wasn't going to be in that horrifying rocket with them. He expected more resistance from Kohaku but it seems she can work with that.
Why can't he? Why was this not enough?
After his noticeable objection, and Senku wordlessly asking him a question Gen knew he'd follow up on, they discussed this that night. Stanley was set to be revived tomorrow morning.
They've been back in Japan for some time, Senku would know exactly how long Gen's sure. The moon mission was getting closer and besides the Stanley thing, Gen got a coiling in his gut that they may not make it out. With all those failures…they couldn't risk anything going wrong.
He couldn't say that out loud of course, that'd make his fear even more real than in his own head. Things can't go wrong, everyone was taking precautions, and the things Gen couldn't wrap his head around were paying carefully followed. Now that Stanley was the pilot, there was certainly no way in hell Xeno would let that rocket fail.
And Stanley…Stanley was the right choice. Objectively, Gen knew that. Which was why Senku questioned his objection, Gen thinking logically, wouldn't have said anything to the contrary.
They knew where to talk to be alone. Senku gets a lot of attention from the new revivals, the questions big and small from so many and the general fangirl-ness when outside the lab. (Gen idly wonders if Senku knows how attractive he is.)
All this attention on Senku makes it easy for Gen to slip away when he wants to. It used to be much harder before they set sail on the Perseus. He wants to slip away a lot nowadays, whether it's the doom and gloom of repeated failures, the feeling like everything is changing or the preemptive regret he feels for not telling Senku everything he should.
It was a excercise in patience, to not say everything he wanted to say. A multitude of things swirling in his head masked by everything else. He knew he might find himself regretting it, if anything happened to Senku on that launch.
Senku finds him maybe twenty minutes after he arrived here. There was no need for a plan to meet. Senku knew where to go and when Gen wants to be found, when he knows they need to talk, he comes here. A modest cliff, overlooking the great wide Pacific Ocean. Deep blue and calm, with the moon in the sky and the deeply setting sun. The sky wasn't fully dark yet.
Gen finds this place a bit of a sanctuary. So many things have changed, yet the smell of the water, and the look of the ocean are eternal.
He still dislikes sand though.
Senku sits beside him, likely gauging what to say before he speaks. He was more likely to do that with Gen it seemed, than anyone else. As if Gen couldn't deal with his tactlessness. As if he wasn't the exact person Senku didn't need to tiptoe around. Gen wondered why he did it.
The thought has occurred to him, that maybe Senku just wanted to be more considerate with him. But that wouldn't fully make sense.
"I bet you can guess whose idea it was." Senku says, hardly an opener.
"Ryusui." Gen answers plainly. Senku might not have bothered asking why, but Gen would go on to explain anyway, "Looked at him during your announcement, he didn't look surprised. Just sad. It was definitely his idea, he thinks he's not the best for this and it hurts him."
"You were looking at Ryusui? I didn't even see you looking at him."
"I didn't know you were observing me at the time Senku."
"I'd hardly call it observing, you were in my line of sight."
"Right," Gen says, a soft smile coming to his face. Senku's eyes seek him out sometimes when he's speaking to a crowd like he's expecting Gen to take over and do his job for him. Or more like a friend presenting and looking for someone to share the burden of their mortification by pretending they were the only one in the room. Gen was that person for him, an anchor.
"I was surprised Dear Ryusui gave it up without protest." Gen feels as though the sadness Ryusui expressed earlier will be compounded by the time launch day rolls around.
"Ryusui knows how important this is, and he takes his role seriously." Senku says, "He always does what he sets out to do though, wouldn't be surprised if he tries to start moon tourism in ten years just to go up there himself."
"Now that's a silly picture. He'd call himself the first space tourist captain in space with a snap. How many industries do you think he's starting before the unpetrified population reaches one billion?"
Like that'd happen in our lifetime, could we even calculate that kind of number? Instead of getting caught up in the logistics like he sometimes would, Senku makes a joking guess that may not be totally off.
"At least 160." Senku leans his head back slightly, Gen thinks he may be steeling himself to talk about something. But not wanting to ruin the moment.
Gen thinks he knows already, what Senku came here to say.
"Stanley is going to be our pilot." Senku says like it wasn't already decided, he's saying it confidently now.
"I know that already Senku."
Some part of him still hoped Ryusui would see it through, that they wouldn't chose to wake him so soon. Ryusui was conflicted, but to give it up completely?
That is just the kind of person Ryusui is. His morals and actions are a compass perfectly aligned. He never goes against what he wants and believes to be right.
"You're not asking me why?"
"You explained why already Senku, and I'm smart enough to guess regardless. You listed his experience and qualifications like it was a damn job offer."
That bitterness. His own words in his head from earlier.
"Are you sure it's a good idea to use Stanley? He's dangerous."
"Yes, he's the best pilot we know. You know that." Senku points out with a pause, "So why did you object?"
In South America, Ryusui had animatedly recounted a tale while they ate. Speaking of the dogfight him and Senku were in the day after Senku was shot. Senku had looked a bit uncomfortable then, but Ryusui brung him into a side hug of appreciation all for the later reveal that it wasn't even Stanley piloting that particular plane. Ryusui spoke of Stanley with respect, near reverie, and Gen was reminded himself of how queer Ryusui is but…Gen couldn't share in that respect. He wasn't sure Senku did either, but he certainly didn't share that fear.
Stanley's words were in his head, and Ryusui was just laughing recounting a story like it happened years ago and not days. Like Stanley Snyder wasn't the vengeful former U.S marine chasing after them with full intent to kill and win his Xeno back.
Gen did not share in Ryusui's joy, and he knew Senku would understand then. But maybe not anymore, maybe time has passed and Senku's been able to let go.
"It doesn't matter." Gen answers, keeping his voice steady, making sure his concern was light and less imbued with his actual fears. He knew it was useless Senku had this quality about him that made Gen's walls practically nonexistent.
And now, Gen remembers being on the other end of Stanley's gun, and the look in those eyes with his finger on the trigger.
"There's no convincing you it's a bad idea."
"Because it's not." Senku says evenly, almost like Gen is being irrational for not wanting to wake the asshole who shot him and Senku. And he shot Senku twice! "He's not the threat to us anymore."
Gen thinks rationally. Always has, logic over feelings. Which is probably why it was troubling to Senku, he wanted to get to the root of the issue. It was like a computational error to him right now. Gen was, at heart, someone who felt rather deeply. Despite how hard he tried to let it lie.
"Like you can guarantee that." Gen bites, finding hidden vitriol spark its way up his throat toward Senku like he deserved it. He didn't, Gen knew he didn't but…
"…You're worried." Senku says, awed. Could he really not fathom that Gen was worried? Was he just that good at hiding how he felt that dear Senku couldn't comprehend why this would be worrying for him?
Maybe it's that Senku had never encountered him fearful like this.
"You don't have to be." Senku softens his tone, it's only ever reserved for rare moments like this and doesn't Gen just melt at it. Leave it to Senku to cut through Gen's anger and aim straight for the heart. "Stanley won't do anything if it doesn't benefit Xeno. I'm sure you know that already too."
"Of course. But you're assuming I trust Xeno."
He's not necessarily assuming that, but Gen did not trust Xeno anyway. Even now. Yes, Senku was correct, Gen is worried. He's worried now, and he's worried about after. Xeno was a genius, there's no telling if he had another plan Gen couldn't foresee because it seemed odd Xeno would strike out now, or even after the moon mission.
"Think about it, it'd be far too difficult for him to attempt world domination now that so many people have woken up, he doesn't have access to his guns or his soldiers, and he understands the threat Why-Man poses and knows that's more important than any singular ambition now. There's no need to worry Gen. Really."
To everything Senku said, Gen had already thought of, and a what-if scenario as well. Senku made sense, Gen knew Senku made sense and yet he kept thinking:
What about the future if Xeno decides he actually does want to take over. What next? How could he accomplish that? Humanity as a whole was fragile right now, even if their numbers were larger than before. They were fearful and aggreived due to the lost of the past. Someone with power, and intelligence could take over with people at his side make promises.
Gen could be paranoid, that's true, but he was afraid.
There was no real stable government anywhere. Senku revives a settlement and leaves after not that long never really establishing some sort of true companionship, or loyalty. Senku was concerned about the mission now, not the long term. Xeno was older, meaner, and could convince people far better than his Senku.
But he knew that whole hypothetical idea in his head was a long shot, that it's been three years without Stanley and that maybe, maybe Senku is right. That I should let go.
…Fuck that.
Stanley just happened to be the perfect person to pilot the plane. They just had to talk about this right now. Gen was enjoying the view. The sky was a beautiful mix of saturated hues, and clouds as the sun was setting where he could not fully see. It was nearly totally dark now.
Nature was calm here, and Gen's mind was trying to be. Something nagged at him now.
"You know," Gen toyed with the idea of telling him. Wondering if it would sound childish or not to bring it up after these years. But he's known Senku for even more years now. Seen him grow into a great person who cared for others more openly now than before. Someone who knew so much yet was still excited about anything and everything. Senku was vibrant and Gen would hate to dim that.
But he didn't want to hide anything, with Senku he lays his mind bare. He's never done that with anyone.
"When I was in Xeno's stupid castle, and you sent that Medusa and I knew what to do I felt so connected to you even when we were apart I know you, and you know me too. I usually don't need to tell you how I'm feeling because you know it, but things were different after that."
"When they found out I was a liar, I was worried for you but also myself. You know me, I can't take pain. I'm a coward."
He takes a breath.
I told them nearly everything I knew about you, once Stanley's hands came out and he had clear intent and orders to hurt. Xeno stepped out of the room, maybe he had a distaste for these things. Maybe he expected it to last longer than it did.
'How do you want this to play out?'
Gen was on the floor, and Stan's boot kicked him not nearly as hard as he could have, but it still reminded him what this entailed. He was a prisoner of war now that he showed his hand.
'You're practically just a kid, impressive liar as you are. With not nearly as much experience as me. Do you really want to go there?'
Gen read once that torture doesn't really work considering that a prisoner will just say whatever they need to get out of it. Stanley knew how good of a liar Gen was, and in hindsight, maybe he expected that. For Gen to lie, just for Stanley to keep going. Suddenly the desire to prove himself to Senku didn't mean as much. It seemed like Stanley wanted to cause pain.
Gen also read what Americans do to their prisoners of war.
Honestly it wasn't that bad, it surely could have been worse but he wound up only with a bruised up body and two broken fingers. Even worse, the fear of death in him when he thought Stanley was going to keep going before Xeno stepped in.
'Did you get what you need Stan?'
'Most of it.'
Stanley did not take his eyes off of Gen, for a long moment, before he turned his head back with Gen's left hand still in his like a promise.
'And?'
They likely would have done worse, had Gen not been younger than them and was a real soldier. He was no child, but in that day he felt like one.
"…They didn't really do anything, but Stan—Stanley, was threatening, when Xeno wasn't in the room. I know what Xeno means to him and though he was entertained by my antics, Stanley was not. It was painful, Stanley reset my fingers into place that same day but…I didn't want to bring it up. Especially not with the gunshot wound you suffered."
Which I knew you were hiding the full extent of. He doesn't say this, just another thing he wanted to bring up.
"Gen…" He thinks he hears Senku say. But what's more vivid now is something that feels a bit like a dream.
Gen remembers—or doesn't—being on the stone floor, Stanley towering over him with this look of complete apathy, like Gen was absolutely nothing to him, and it would have been nothing to him to put a bullet in his head. Stanley wouldn't lose a single minute of sleep over it, but a bullet wasn't the promise that he made.
Gen pauses for a while, deciding not to repeat what Stanley had said. Whether it was for himself or Senku, he didn't know, but he chose to believe the latter for now.
"…Nothing happened, Tsukasa came and we all got out— but Senku, it was terrifying. Running and knowing you could only move forward from it but I could only think back to that castle and Stanley's words. His expression said something outside of anything I've ever seen before. Even when Hyoga stabbed me or even when Moz threatened us, it didn't feel so impersonal and malicious at the same time."
I can't forgive him, I can't forgive them.
Gen hardly looks Senku in the eyes, focusing on the sky getting darker quickly speaking to Senku but still distant in this way.
"He shot you."
Everytime he said it, it was still unbelievable. Probably because he only saw the aftermath of it. Not even the true aftermath but the hiding it, the bandage changes, the wound. The leaning against something at every opportunity, and being out of breath.
'Stanley always hits his target. He'll give Senku a quick death.' Xeno had said to him, 'This is the most efficient way to get you all under control.'
Senku lived, and somehow Gen was the one who didn't get over it.
When Gen finally got on the boat with them, seeing Senku alive but certainly not well was horrifying, and Senku didn't stop. It was almost like he didn't know, or didn't care, how dangerous they really were.
"You pushed through it as soon as you could, like you weren't even concerned at the possibility of your own death," Gen says this more to himself but it's still meant for Senku to hear it.
These are the things he didn't say those years ago, his concerns then were meaningless with danger on their tracks and hardly able to be reasoned with.
What could Gen have said, take a break? They couldn't afford that.
Stanley caught up to us anyway. But that wasn't something that needed to be said. Senku was there.
Gen shoves this feeling down, and how his dreams tonight will likely feature the smell of ash and the sounds of gunshots. With the certainty of Stanley being awake again, the fear was more pronounced than it had been in a long time.
'Nothing like that will ever happen again.' Is what Senku'd say. But how he felt now was only a reminder of why he can't seem to let this go. He can't convince himself this won't happen again, and even if it doesn't ever…that doesn't make what happened before irrelevant.
He doesn't have scars, but it still happened. He was still carrying so much weight from it. If they weren't turned to stone they would have died. He finds himself unable to hide his fear, this anxiety and he's been silent for too long. It's concerning enough that Senku decides to break the silence.
"Gen?"
'Mentalist.'
Senku talks, maybe to distract, but more likely to empathize. He needed to tell Gen that he's not the only one who was afraid.
"…It's not that I wasn't concerned then. I told you way back when that I can't die before my work is done. I'm reviving everyone, all 7 billion people."
Senku and his great ambitions always seemed impossible, until he made them come true.
"I was terrified on the Perseus after Stanley had shot me, and between the pain and the waking states, I was afraid that he would come finish the job if he knew I wasn't dead. If Luna or Francois wasn't there I wouldn't have made it but I did make it, we all made it. I need them, for this, and for the future I want to make real."
"But I won't ever ask you to forgive them for what they did Gen. I can't ask that of you. I won't."
I will at least try. Gen thinks this only to himself, but he's never been very good at lying to himself at all.