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A long long time ago in a land far away… there lived two beings who loved each other very much. One was a fish. And the other, was a simple twink of a boy with hair that was the color of lemons and leggings like peter pan.
Sitting on the top of Vah Ruta's trunk, Mipha sighed happily as she stared at the sunset that was settling over the horizon. Mipha felt at peace knowing that the future of Hyrule was in good hands with the savior of an elf who was also the love of her life.
Said-love-of-her-life was staring at Mipha with a twinkle in his eye. She felt his gaze on her like a warm blanekt, and she basked in the knowledge that she bagged this 4-foot-tall silent man and basically beat that other 4-foot-tall-elf-princess-wannabe-goddess at the altar for his hand in marriage. Or, soon-to-be-married (technicalities).
Mipha wasn't really a girls-girl, but that was okay because she came out on top. Zelda was a princess, anyways. She'll have absolutely no problem finding another man. Destiny and a warrior/goddess legend wasn't everything in a marriage. Zelda was too whiny for a silent, buff man like Link. Mipha was able to fight and actually use her healing powers. Meanwhile, Zelda complained on the daily that she couldn't figure out her so-called destined powers to save them from mortal ruin.
So yeah. Mipha was obviously the better match for Link.
"This is so peaceful. Maybe we should have our wedding on the top of Vah Ruta's trunk. Our guests can watch from the nearby cliff," Mipha sighed, smiling. "Once you defeat Ganondorf, we can finally get married. There will be no more threats to our lives and we can skip off into the sunset and live happily ever after and rule the fish kingdom together."
Unsurprisingly, Link remained silent. Mipha liked that about him. Men who open their mouths to say stupid shit always ruin the vibe. That's why Link is perfect. She can just imagine that he agrees with everything she says.
Mipha felt Link take her hand in his and squeeze it three times. Her eyes met his as he slowly stood up and tugged her up with him. Link gave her a soft, small smile and Mipha felt her innards melt.
She felt his hands on her waist as she was wrapped in his arms. Even though Mipha was like, 3 feet taller than Link, she still loved his hugs (even if it felt like a toddler hugging her). Mipha closed her eyes and simply basked in the moment of the perfect sunset. The golden light was setting and she was in the arms of the safest, most patient, kindest hands that-
Pushed her off Vah Ruta's trunk??????????????????
In the blink of an eye, she felt Link's small hands abruptly shove her away from him. Stumbling backwards, Mipha tried to straighten herself to avoid falling off the giant elephant. As she was opening her mouth to ask Link what the fuck was wrong with him- cause to push her away and almost kill her like that there better have been a GIANT fucking bee between them- Mipha watched Link do the craziest karate move as he delivered the final drop kick to her stomach and shove her off Vah Ruta's trunk.
Mipha screamed as she plummeted to her death. The last thing she saw before she splatted on the sharp rocks below was Link's cold, unfeeling eyes.
♡♡♡
100 Years Later
Sidon closed his eyes as he lay on his back and let the water carry him down the river. He knows that he has like, princely duties or whatever, but he really had no energy to give an absolute fuck. There's the threat of monsters, ganondorf, and the very real possibility that their kingdom of water-breathing fish people could be drowned by too much rain.
But what can Sidon actually do to stop all that???
Nothing. Quite literally nothing.
He's just one dolphin fish, afterall.
Maybe with his sister, Mipha, they could actually make a difference together. But she was dead. She died a horrible, brutal death while Vah Ruta malfunctioned and Link went missing shortly afterwards. All of the champions died, so at least Mipha died an honerable death. and so did her fiance.
Sidon would never admit it, but he was secretly glad he didn't have to watch his sister get married to the hero of Hyrule. Don't get him wrong, Sidon wanted his sister to be happy, and he never wished for her death. But he had always harbored a secret-not-so-secret massive crush on Link.
But that was never gonna happen. Sidon would always put his sister first. (And I think he was like a child when Link and Mipha were together but that is a technicality we won't worry about. Childhood crushes and all that. He would've been a cute ass ring bearer tho).
But that was all in the past. Link was dead. Mipha was dead. And now Sidon is a fully fledged man-dolphin-fish warrior, and was now next in line for the throne.
So you can't possibly blame him for wanting a moment of peace in the lazy river before all that went down and he had to actually deal with his drowning fish kingdom.
All of a sudden, Sidon heard someone grunting and splashing in the water a few yards away from him.
As he opened his eyes to look at the disruption, Sidon abruptly sat up in the river as he took in the strangest sight taking place before him.
A short man was currently trying (and failing) to climb the tall stone column. The small man was wearing nothing but bright green korok underwear as he scaled the column and promptly slid back down before splashing back into the water.
Raising his eyebrows, Sidon slowly swam closer. It seemed like the man was trying to reach a treasure chest that rested on top of the column.
"Ahoy there!" Sidon yelled cheerfully. "Do you need any help?" He asked as he watched the man try to climb the column again.
The man yelped in surprise and promptly fell off again.
Sidon sighed in exasperation and swam to help the stranger. The man sputtered and coughed the water out of his lungs as Sidon chivalrously and handsomely picked the stranger up bridal-style.
"Not to worry, my handsome friend! I am here to save you like the princely prince that I am!" Sidon exclaimed as he puffed out his chest heroically.
The stranger wiped his yellow hair out of his eyes and peered up at Sidon with indignation and curiosity, and opened his mouth to -
"Woah! Wait?? Link????" Sidon gasped in surprise. Sidon was so surprised, that he accidentally dropped Link and he went splashing back in the water. "Shoot! That wasn't very princely of me, ma bad." Sidon muttered as he picked Link up again and headed to shore.
Sidon laid Link down into the sand and peered over him the-little-mermaid-style. As Link rubbed the water out of his eyes, Siden stared at him in awe.
"You're supposed to be dead. Or, like, 120 years old. For you weak elf-human-things, that should be impossible!!" Sidon gasped. "If you're alive, does that mean that my sister could also be alive? Is she with you?"
Link finally looked at him. Sidon always thought his eyes were beautiful. Link was always so strong. He was quiet, sure, but his eyes always communicated his every thought. One look from those eyes and Sidon was under his spell.
However, the look that Link gave him now communicated nothing but pure confusion.
He didn't recognize him.
And there was absolute zero recognition when he said his sister's name.
Which means…Sidon has a chance!!!!!!
This was his moment! A fresh start! No sister to compete for Link's affections! He was a fully grown fish! He can finally act on his feelings with a clear conscience. No guilt whatsoever. Together, Link and Sidon can save his kingdom, get married, defeat Ganondorf, and save all of Hyrule.
♡♡♡
48 Hours later
The last two days have been absolutely surreal.
Sidon had given Link so many impossible tasks to prepare to save his kingdom and for them to infiltrate the demonic Vah Ruta. Sidon thought about doing these tasks himself, being a buff warrior and like 4 feet taller than Link and all, but this was Link's time to prove himself and build his strength back as the Hero of Hyrule.
But in hindsight, maybe sending the love of his life on a deadly mission to go get electric arrows from the dangerous lynol-lysol-lyonel or however u spell it… wasn't his best idea in getting Link to fall in love with him. But that was the furthest thing in Sidon's mind as Link sat on top of his back as they swam around dodging Vah Ruta's giant ice spikes (he so totally didn't rip off this whole human-fish-boat idea from the Incredibles movie. Not at all).
They just worked so well together. They may be fighting for their lives, but the whole thing was just sooooo romantic.
After what felt like hours of swimming around and dodging ice balls, they finally managed to immobilize the divine beast. Sidon felt Link breathe a sigh of relief as he relaxed on his back. Sidon gently swam to Vah Ruta's entrance and helped Link get on the platform like the princely gentleman he is.
Sidon can tell that Link is tired. But, it wouldn't be a heroic journey of self discovery and a proper test of strength and wit if Sidon didn't send Link into mortal danger by himself.
But he'd send him off with a kiss. Cause he's not an animal.
"Link, we have come so far together. Even though I basically sent you around to do my dirty work, we really make a great team," Sidon huffed out heroically as he flexed his arms. "I'm gonna be super honest right now, because there's really like a 70% chance that you won't make it out alive. So here goes nothin." Breathing in a deep sigh, Sidon lifted himself halfway out of the water as he leaned over the ledge and closer to Link so that their faces were eye-level. "I think that you are super awesome. And I am also super awesome. And hot. And funny. And rich. I'm pretty much the best catch out there. So once you maybe-hopefully-get out of there alive, we should get married." Sidon confessed, flashing Link his best wink and a swing of his arm to show off his muscles.
The crickets of silence was crazy.
Link stared at Sidon with a blank look in his eye. Sidon knew that Link doesn't speak, but surely this could be an exception?? He just bared his heart out to him afterall!!
Finally, after a good 10 minutes of Link staring at him and Sidon sweating, Link gave the barest hint of a nod.
"HELL YEAH!!! THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN ABOUT!!!!" Sidon yelled happily as he did crazy flips and tricks in the water like an actual dolphin.
Once Sidon pulled himself together and looked back at Link, he was surprised to see that Link had left him and gone inside the divine beast. Damn. He really left Sidon to celebrate their engagement alone.
Whatever. Communication skills can be worked on later. But now all Sidon can do is wait outside of Vah Ruta for his fiance to return. Hopefully.
♡♡♡
3 Hours Later
Laying on his back with his eyes closed, Sidon peacefully listens to the violent sounds of fighting and metal clanking coming from inside the deadly beast. Cause at least he can hear that Link hasn't died yet.
After what feels like 40 minutes of screeching and water splashing, everything goes silent.
Sidon sits up and listens for anything else. Hopefully, the silence doesn't mean that Link has died.
But then he hears a really familiar voice. And it ain't Link.
"Hello, Link," the voice says. It's a woman's voice. And if Sidon was crazy, he'd think it was his sister talking.
"Because of your courage, my spirit is now free," okay, yeah, that's definitely Mipha. Sidon felt frozen. He want's to go and barge in there to see his sister one last time. But then he'd be interrupting Link's heroic moment or whatever.
"My spirit is now free to HAUNT YOU for what you DID TO ME!!!!!" Mipha suddenly screeched like a banchee.
wait.
Haunt him??What did Link do to her??
Quietly so he wouldn't alarm them of his presence, Sidon tip toes down Vah Ruta's hallways to get a closer look.
"Why would you do that to me, Link? How could you do that to me?" Mipha cried. "We were supposed to get married. You loved me! You told me you loved me with that non-speaking way of yours! How could you kill me like that!"
Sidon felt like he was stabbed with that declaration. Every fish bone in his fish body was frozen. Link was many things- strong, hot, and quiet mostly- but he was never a murderer. Because why would he murder his own fiance?
"You pushed me off the elephant like I was nothing! I thought we were going hot and strong. We were going to defeat Ganondorf. You chose me over Zelda! We could've saved Hyrule together!" Mipha was full on sobbing now. "And now you're after my brother?! How fucked up is that? What, are you planning on killing him too?"
Then, Sidon heard the most bone-chilling voice he'd ever heard in his life.
"Yes." Link said simply.
That one word split Sidon's heart in two. About a dozen different emotions flooded his brain at once. The five stages of grief and stuff. He felt cold all over. If Link didn't care about him or his sister, then Sidon couldn't afford to care about Link, either.
Quietly, Sidon reached behind him to unsheath the trident on his back. It was time to avenge his sister. And his own heart.
He reached the clearing where Link and Mipha stood. Thankfully, Link's back was to Sidon. Mipha briefly looked at him in surprise, but easily neautralized her expression so Link didn't suspect him. Sidon raised the trident, ready to spear Link through the heart with it.
Right when he was ready to strike, Sidon saw Link spin around at an inhumane speed and the Master Sword was suddenly poking out his stomach, shish-kebab-ing him.
The last thing he saw before he fell was Link's beautiful, cold, beady eyes.
♡♡♡
U thought it was over??? Nah man.
Ganondorf sat atop his demon throne. Sure, he was super cool and powerful, but he was also bored. The princess that he kept trapped wasn't doing anything either.
(I guess technically he was like a ball of magenta goo and was like fighting with Zelda and immobile for most of the game idk i dont remember but for the purpose of this story, he is TOTK level hot and free to roam around)
Ganondorf sits on his throne after a long day of doing whatever he does while also somehow threatening Hyrule. He was also completely aware that his arch rival, Link, has come back to life and is on his way to him right now.
Ganondorf pulls up his castle's (yes, HIS castle now, bitches) security feed. He grabs some popcorn and raises his giant feet up as he watches Link fight monsters and run through endless hallways and fall off towers. It was a pretty good show lol.
Sure, Ganon didn't expect Link to kill Mipha. Or Sidon.
But he definitely didn't expect Link to kill King Dorephan, Urbosa, Revali, and that rock guy. He even murdered that accordian bird just for the hell of it??
Ganon would never admit it, but he was impressed. And kinda turned on.
So now Link was on his way to him. Probably to add Ganon to his long list of very impressive murders. Maybe he'd take out Zelda first before Ganon. That would be fascinating to watch. With that thought, Ganon suddenly heard a clang against the giant metal doors. The doors fell down like dominoes, revealing Link in his metal armour and master sword.
Ganon brought his hands together and did the evil slow clapping thing. "Well, well, well," Ganon smirked. "If it isn't the hero- or, I'm sorry- serial killer of Hyrule."
Link slowly made his way towards Ganon. To his surprise, Link sheathed his sword as he came to a stop right in front of his throne.
"To what do I owe the pleasure? I will say, you saved me a great deal of work. I should thank you," Ganon joked.
Link reaches up to take his helmet off. As he takes it off, he makes a point to shake his hair out all dramatically and heroically. Or, villainly?
"I've come to offer my hand in marriage," Link states.