Work Text:
Mark let out a dejected sigh as he saw the server to YouTube crash again, his half way uploaded footage failing and causing him to have to click 'retry' for the sixth time today.
He had to get this video published along with a few others that he had been stocking up on so he could just stop stressing himself out for a while and calm down.
That didn't seem to be happening for a while.
"Mark? Dinner's done!" He heard Jack yell from downstairs, making him smile a bit. God knows what kind of mess Jack had made down there attempting to make food. Thankfully he rarely did it, Mark just cooked or they went out for dinner, but he was still grateful for when he did it nonetheless; it was rather endearing.
"Just a minute!" The red haired man shouted back, wanting to wait for the render to fully load first before he went downstairs. He wouldn't be able to eat with his nerves eating at him knowing the server could crash any moment and he'd have to reload it.
A minute turned into ten, and ten turned into twenty, and eventually, he wasn't even concerned if dinner was cold, didn't care how long he had been behind his computer trying to upload this one damn video. All he cared about was how disappointed his fans would be in not being able to have a video up soon like he'd promised on twitter.
Not that he understood why they would still want to watch him by now. His quality in content had gone down, he knew. A lot of his fans had been saying how Mark didn't even act like himself anymore. Like there was something forced behind his smiles and laughter, like he was trying too hard. And yeah, maybe he was, but he was trying dammit. He was trying his damned hardest to keep making videos for them even when he wasn't feeling like it.
He did it for them and it still wasn't enough.
Was it ever though? It'd been a year, and he's been getting better, he has, but he couldn'todn help it when the little smidge of despair that he had thought he'd stored away long ago was brought to the surface. It affected how he felt, how he worked, how he got along with the people he loved around him.
Several had called Mark out on this. Others just said he was being a douchebag that only cared about himself and merely did YouTube for the money now, not for his fans. That particular comment seemed to hurt more than he'd like to admit.
He loved his fans! They'd made him into the person he was today. They had caused him so much happiness and sadness that he didn't know what to do with it all sometimes but cry. He'd affected their lives grately and they had affected his.
Yet he didn't feel like he was worthy of any of his subscribers or views, worthy of the people that thought of him as their hero. He wasn't good enough anymore.
Was he even good enough for Jack? Oh god, what if he wasn't? What if Jack got bored of him and left him or cheated on him? Why did Jack even say yes to marrying him when he proposed a few weeks ago?
But what could he do? Was there anything?
Mark jumped as he felt someone rest a hand on his back, rubbing small and slow circles, only to calm down when he peeked up from where he had his head buried in his crossed arms on his desk to see Jack. Jack who was crouched down beside of him, who was looking at him with eyes so concerned it made Mark want to break right then and there.
He didn't deserve the care and love Jack put in him, wasn't worthy of it. He wasn't worthy of anything from someone so full of brightness and energy.
"Mark, what's wrong?" Jack inquired, voice sounding just as small as he looked. It very nearly made him start bawling his eyes out. And not just the silent crying that he had unconsciously been doing for the past few minutes as he reminsced over these things, more like full out sobbing.
When he looked up just enough to peer over his crossed arms to look at Jack, he could tell by Jack's reaction that his eyes were probably red from irritation from rubbing at them hastily.
"Nothing, I'm just—" He forced out a heart wrenching sound between a laugh and a choked off sob as he squeezed his eyes shut tightly, digging the palms of his hands into his eyes in hopes of stopping the tears. Yet, he was futile in his attempts to get rid of them and Jack couldn't seem to think of what to say as he opened his mouth, closed it, and repeated the action a few times before merely deciding on climbing into the chair and straddling Mark as he wrapped his arms around him in a hug.
"It's okay to be upset, Mark; you can let it out, alright?" The green haired man reassured his fiancé. "You don't have to tell me anything if you don't want, just know that I'm here for ya and I'll listen."
With that, Mark let out a suddering gasp and buried his face into Jack's neck, hiding his tear stained face as he wrapped his arms around Jack's middle in a shaky and strong hug, pouring his heart out in not words but his heartbreaking sounding cries.
He was pretty sure he had rambked on uselessly to Jack in between it all, but wasn't quite sure if any of it was intelligent enough to be understood. Yet Jack listened to it all, one hand rubbing soothing motions on his back while the other rested at the back of his head, stroking the back of his head and nape of his neck in a calming gesture.
Eventually, Mark's breathing slowly evened out back to normal, the occasional shuddery breath or sniffle interrupting it.
Jack pulled back slightly, just enough to see Mark's face as he cupped both of his hands on either side of his face to make puffy brown eyes look up into his own.
"It'll be alright Mark, I promise. We all love you; your fans, friends, family, me— we all care about you. And dammit you are enough, what on Earth could make you think otherwise? You're the best person on this planet, an absolute blessing. And, hell, if you still don't believe me, just tell me and I'll keep reminding you until you believe it. Alright? I love you so much."
Mark let a small smile grace his lips at the other mans words, causing Jack to smile as well and heavens wasn't that just the best sight to see such a great person to smile?
"Okay, Jack. I love you too... Thank you."
"There's nothing to thank me for, but you're welcome anyways," Jack said with a breathy laugh. "Now, how about I warm up your dinner for you, and you go eat while I save your progress again and see what I can do. Sound good?"
Mark nodded his approval before leaning up to press his lips to Jacks in a chaste and slow kiss, making love so deep warm Mark's chest so much it almost hurt.
The rest of the night went as Jack had planned.
He'd reheated Mark's food and sat him down on the couch in their living room, taking Mark's phone away so the man wouldn't be scrolling through anything that could make him break down again like he had a while ago. He instead turned on Mark's favorite show on Netflix and left him to finish as he went upstairs and eventually got Mark's video to post after fighting with it for half an hour, more or less.
But even when Jack and Mark went to bed for the night, curled up in one another, Mark couldn't help but to think about how Jack deserved so much better than him.