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1.
Being a twin got annoying at times. Don’t get him wrong, he loved Colt. Barely spending time away from others. Their parents loved to try to get them matching everything just because they were identical. The two of them were wildly different — despite being identical. Colt was the adventurous and active one and constantly climbed up trees and doing wild stunts that give their parents continuous heart attacks. Stating that he wanted to be like the people doing crazy stunts on tv. He, on the other hand, lived in books, wore glasses, talked about feeling uncomfortable in his skin and looking at the same spot in the sky.
He was the odd twin and Colt was the normal twin. Everyone loved to point that out. It never failed to make him uncomfortable, Colt never failed to comfort and defend him though. He can always trust Colt to come to his rescue. Colt eased the itch his skin has grown to give him. Ryland felt most comfortable with him. It was only natural to feel the most at peace with your other half. Colt was the only reason he only really left the house, because someone had to make sure Colt didn’t do something that was stupid for an idiot like him. Without his twin, he’d be lost to the mountain of books he had begun to accumulate. Colt never judges the internal struggles he had going on. He only ever made Ryland feel accepted, claiming that it was his duty as the oldest to look after him, even if they only had seven minutes separating them.
His teachers don’t understand him. Once they had gotten the idea that he was the odd and weird kid, they treated him like he was hard. He didn’t understand why. When he finally went to his favourite teacher and asked if it was normal to feel uncomfortable in his body, to feel like he was not human. No eleven year old should be feeling like that. He didn’t know that, however but his teacher did. Unfortunately, his favourite teacher just told him it was all in his head and he’ll get over it. They also told his parents who got upset for whatever reason, not that he understood then. It got worse when he was diagnosed. Why did adults hate him for just existing?
But he didn’t get it. It felt like it was beyond him. Why did he feel so uncomfortable in his body? Why was it uncomfortable to exist? Will he figure it out when he is older like everyone says he will? Why do adults tell him he is too young to feel like this and it's nothing to worry about? Why did the feeling always ease whenever he stayed out at night watching the same spot in the sky, the same star? He later asks his science teacher what star it was and he learned it was 40 Eridani A, the closest planet being 40 Eridani A b. 40 Eridani A b huh? What an original name, He’ll rename it to Erid. Easier, simpler and it feels right.
2.
Ryland is a teenager now, in high-school and still very much struggling. So little and so much has changed over the years, for example; his hair changed to a beachy blonde, Colts got darker and dirtier which matched his personality. Ryland grew more quiet whilst Colt grew louder. Yet another drastic difference between them. He still doesn’t have any friends, not that he really made an effort too. Acquaintances he can do but friends? That's more Colts department. Friendship is magic or whatever bullshit phrase that Colt kept throwing at his face whenever he complained. However there was this girl, Marissa, that he met when he started high-school. He and Marissa hang out every Thursday to hangout or study.
Science is awesome. Space too. He puts in most of his effort into all of his science classes. The one thing he is the best at is science, particularly biology. Physical Education? Just the very thought of that class is vomit worthy, thank goodness he was able to drop it and swap it for biology which immediately became his favourite. Colt however, loves Physical Education and takes every chance to try to persuade him to play a game with some group. The sound of a dodge ball hitting him square on the face will haunt his dreams.
Those nights he sits outside and does his now years old routine of watching Erid. His parents had long since given up trying to wrangle him back inside, listing it as a ‘Ryland thing’ among other things. Ryland still doesn’t really understand why his parents don’t try to understand him, only Colts does. It’s Colt who comforts him when the weight of existing in his body gets too much even if he doesn’t understand. The feeling has not lessened over the years, if anything, it has gotten worse now that he was older and understood things better. He and Colt had once stayed up tucked in on Rylands bed with the idea that he was potentially transgender, a woman or anything in between. None of the terms and concepts were what he was experiencing.
He felt like he was born in the wrong body. The wrong species. Why on Earth does he feel like he's the wrong species? He's not a furry by any means or into any of that culture. He loves foxes but not enough to want to be one. Regardless, he really wants to crawl out of this skin suit. Gender identity wasn’t something he cared about really. He’d wear a skirt if he saw one in a store that called out to him but he was not one for fashion. His entire wardrobe consisted of mostly science pun shirts and the odd graphic tee. Some of those being Iron Man. Ryland also felt cold constantly. It had nothing to do with his health, he checked and researched. When heatwaves hit, he felt more comfortable, not by much but it was something. Honestly let him be a rock on the beach, to slowly erode away as time passed on.
3.
He had a week before he needed to travel to Denmark for the UNESCO conference and he had some free time so he had called Marissa to arrange their next meet up before then. Definitely not to give a distraction from the anxieties that were brewing in him. Ryland would call his brother to hang out but he was working on another movie with Jody, some big IP film since Jody gained fame after Metalstorm and that whole debacle. It’ll be his first conference since he published his “An Analysis of Water Based Assumptions and Recalibration of Expectation for Evolutionary Models” paper. God what was he thinking? He should’ve worded it better. Be more professional. He already had numerous emails and messages that were rather… unsavoury. So meeting up with Marissa would do wonders in preventing him from spiraling.
Ryland and Marissa kept their tradition of meeting up on Thursday. Studying became chats of their respective work studies. Hanging out at each other's houses became the restaurant where they got beer and steak. Who knew that going to the same restaurant weekly, claiming the same table and ordering the same meals would lead to what is basically a permanent reservation?
Walking into the restaurant and greeting the servers up front, it looked like Dave was working the front tonight, poor kid. Rush hour was thankfully ending so he’ll get a break soon. Ryland gives him a small smile before briskly walking over to our table. At this rate they will just stick a name tag onto the table saying “Dr Grace & Marissa.” Marisssa wasn’t sitting at the table so he’ll get to brag about being on time for once.
But waiting for her to arrive only allowed his anxiety to bubble so he ended up picking at his fingers. He’d chew his nails but he was in public and really didn’t want to make more people form a negative opinion about him.
“Wow, look at you! Being here early for once.” Ryland jumped at the sound of her voice and turned to look at her as she slid into the booth, wearing her usual get up.
“You will give me a heart attack someday if you keep this up Mari.”
“And help fulfill you death wise? I’m not that kind. Also i ordered our usual”
Ryland huffed and shook his head, “How’s your week been?”
Marissa gave a thoughtful look before shrugging, “David got his second divorce. All the office hears is his whining. I wonder what he did to make his wife leave him.”
Ryland barked out a laugh, “Another affair probably.”
“You’re probably right. But enough gossip,” Marissa said as she leaned forward, hands clasped, "What's up with you? You look like you want to dig yourself a grave. Again.”
“That's because I do! I have the UNESCO conference in a week and I am going to be shunned from the community all together.” Ryland stressed, waving his hands about lightly.
“Do you stand by what you wrote Ry?”
His brows bunched up, making an effort to look anywhere but her, “Yes.”
“Then you will live. You are well aware that the scientific community are a bunch of people who are very firm on ideas,” Marissa reminded him, “Yes you and your papers topic are on a bold claim and… strongly worded but you’re a scientist. You experiment and theorize. So what if they shun you due to it, you will live and continue on.”
Ryland nodded, unsure how to respond. Luckily for him, Marissa was not done. She leaned forward and gently held his hands, preventing him from worsening the state of his nails — they were way too short for Marisssa’s liking.
“You are not just stressed about what they will say. I know you are still burdened with another thing that you don’t deserve to deal with.”
“It’s fine Mari. It hasn’t worsened or lessened,” the lie slipped easily from Ryland. He knew it was a fruitless effort, lying to her. Given that they have known each other for over twenty years.
The feeling had worsened as he got older, becoming more unbearable. It wasn’t something he could just talk through with a therapist, they would only judge him harshly and dismiss him as unstable. Just like everyone has been in his life.
“Oh Ryland…”
4.
He did end up getting shunned from the scientific community after the disastrous conference. Who would’ve thought calling his field's leading expert a “Staggering waste of carbon” would lead to him being kicked out and effectively banned from publishing any papers? Listen, he was struggling a lot and the added stress was not welcomed, so he ended up snapping. But as his friend said, “You will live.” So he does.
Ryland was effectively fired as well. No one wanted the guy who insulted the leading expert and thought the goldilocks zone is for idiots. However Marissa, the tree that just keeps giving, found and suggested he’d teach eighth graders. He thought it was ridiculous at first. Him? Teach small human offsprings?
He took the job. Science teacher at Grover Cleveland Middle School for eighth graders. Look, he needed money to live and the job was thankfully close to his apartment.
It was difficult to adjust from working primarily with self absorbed adults to a classroom filled with curious thirteen to fourteen year olds. But his students were interested. They wanted to learn and absorb all information like a sponge. Of course it was a struggle getting his students to like him and participate but he was working on it! Colt, Jody and Marissa all said that they were proud of him.
Ryland decorated his classroom to make it more fun and welcoming. He wanted kids to want to be in his class, to be excited when it was his time to teach. He spent hours making a model of their solar system to hang up on the ceiling as well as learning how to crochet small beanbags. Doing that turned out to be a great stress reliever, he ended up making a comfy fox cardigan! Hanging education posters all over the walls. He put in time to learn the most random facts for moments where a kid asks him something unrelated to their current unit.
Ryland will never admit it but he was thankful for being shunned and fired. Teaching, as it would seem, was his calling. After a few hard working months, he gained the wonderful title as the ‘fun and cool’ teacher and a few more to become one of the teachers kids go to for advice or guidance for life in general. He cried after the first time a kid had given him a ‘thank you for being my teacher’ card before winter break.
Caring and teaching kids surprisingly help ease his weird emotional weight. Not completely, but it was noticeable. He still regularly had episodes late into the night where he would cry a river and scratch his arms, quietly begging to escape it. He got very lucky with finding an apartment that had access to the roof, which in turn allowed him to look out for Erid. Watching the vague direction of the planet would always calm him down. He still hasn’t figured out why and probably never will. It's a comforting thought that perhaps there was someone out there watching him, love traveling for how many lightyears to Earth then to his eyes.
5.
And just when he was finally in a comfortable routine, he knew something had to give. That change came in the form of a Dutch woman. He had been trying to get a head start in grading his classes' pop quiz when she waltzed in. She introduced herself as Eva Stratt and immediately told him she knew of his infamous UNESCO stunt — pulling up a printed copy of his paper and everything, right in front of his face. Stratt spoke with conviction, asking him to come and be the first one to check the Petrova probe that had recently splashed down the previous day. The way she spoke felt like he had no choice in the matter. But why him? Why a disgraced microbiologist turned teacher? There were thousands of other scientists who would be more skilled than he.
Ryland told Stratt that when he was not so subtly trying to race over to his bike, which he rides from home to work and not for leisure. Unfortunately he does not get a say in the matter and gets guided to one of the black SUV’s. On the bright side, the guy leading him was nice. Well, niceish. His name was Carl.
In the car, the anxiety from the encounter subtly spilled in the form of him rubbing his arms, which he wasn’t subtle about and gained a look from Carl. Not that Ryland cared all that much, it's nothing new and the itch was just irritating.
He was the guinea pig. That was what he was. A test subject for them to see if the space dots were a potential threat for humans. Ryland was pretty sure that they weren’t, but given how many movies on aliens presenting them to be hostile to humans 99% of the time, he could forgive them. Just a little. Not that it stopped him from continuously telling Stratt — who made a habit of working in the small observable window along with Carl — that this sort of experiment typically has a team, not a single person.
Regardless, he discovered it was a cell that was almost entirely made of water… It was fine. He was fine. His original theory was the concept of the goldilocks zone being utter bullshit, not that life was capable without water being involved. After his discovery he was subsequently let go. Which was fine, he was happy to get back to his kids students. His kids were very excited that he came back and as usual, complained about the sub that they had whilst he was on his impromptu leave.
Ryland barely lasted the first day back and had to unceremoniously leave just after a class to deal with a panic attack. The thought of his kids students growing up into a dying world weighed heavily on his mind. So he effectively ran back to Stratt and begged to be let back on. He will not let his kids students have a horrible future. Ryland ended up living on a chinese boat in the middle of nowhere.
It turns out he had been acting as first officer and Stratt's right hand man. Felt more like being her pet scientist. The two of them had something weird between them. He often found himself wondering what could have been if they met under better circumstances. She seemed to notice the invisible weight that Ryland was constantly weighed down by. It’s not like she asked him about it. All she cared about was that he continued his work and that the project was working.
There was one instance where they shared a moment of complete vulnerability. It was after the karaoke session. Ryland could never have guessed that he’d be able to witness Stratt sing. Whilst she did off handedly mention being in a youth choir, he didn’t expect to hear evidence.
The two of them found themselves back outside on the deck. The sun was long gone and replaced with the moon, reflecting a dying light. Dying stars littered the clear sky. He didn’t want to think about what the sky would be without them.
It was Stratt who began the conversation, just like all their previous ones.
“Theres been something troubling you Dr Grace.” And straight to the point as always. “I know no one has troubled you so what is it?”
Ryland didn’t answer straight away, “I’ve dealt with it all my life,it hadn’t impacted my work then and isn’t impacting my work for the project.”
Stratt gave him a pointed look.
He huffed and threw his hands in the air exasperation, “Look, it’s not important. You wouldn’t understand it, nobody has.”
“Then tell me. Make me understand Dr Grace,” her voice steady as ever, but her eyes watched him with careful consideration.
“Fine. I feel like I've been born in the wrong species. My body feels wrong. Is that good enough?” Ryland hoped he didn’t speak too harshly, these feelings were constantly bubbling under his skin.
“Wrong species,” Stratt echoed back, brows furrowed.
“Yes and before you ask I am not a furry, I just love foxes. Yes there are other notable things that go along with that. I’ve done research, I don't know why I feel like this. It will not impact my work and results,” Ryland responded. “I do not understand why you want to understand. You never do.”
“Whilst I care greatly about you doing your experiments and tasks, I do care about your well-being if you find that hard to believe.”
Ryland didn’t respond immediately. He found his eyes meeting hers. Stratt was a lot of things, he had learned but when she spoke, she was sure of herself.
“I respect you Dr Grace and i have grown to like you,” She stated, “I hope that after launch, you will be able to find answers.”
+1
His old biodome had been repurposed after it was discovered he was permanently an Eridian. There had been a thrum for what to do with it. Its original purpose was to house and provide a comfortable life for a leaky space alien — who was no longer a leaky space blob of an alien.
In the thrum it was decided that it will be kept and maintained as a museum of sorts to teach curious Eridians about humans and Earth. They would allow small tour groups in with the latest xenonite suits to tour and explore around. Grace got to have additional classes added to his schedule. So now he’ll have one or two classes — depending on how many tours will occur — where he’ll give the tour group a crash course about humanity and all their concepts that would be weird to Eridians.
It was hard to adapt to everything. He had to learn how to speak proper Eridian, learn culture and customs and everything. Sure he knew and learned a whole bunch of this stuff while he was human but it is a completely different thing to actively be part of the culture.
Rocky and Adrian were a tremendous help. Since he could no longer live in his biodome, Rocky and Adrian had offered to house him. Ryland immediately accepted the offer, he was not about to give up a chance to finally be close to them and keep them safe whilst they slept. It was definitely not because of his codependency he developed with Rocky which then got extended to Adrian, but not to the same intensity. The two had carved out a room in their house for him. Originally it was his ‘bedroom’ to sleep in, given that was how it worked when he was human. However, it became quickly apparent that he very much did not want to sleep separately. It had seemed that with the whole deal with an Eridian body, he had to deal with Eridian instincts, such as the need to watch and be watched whilst sleeping. Unfortunately the concept of dreams carried over so he had a great amount of nightmares whilst paralyzed which was a miserable time for everyone involved. His ‘bedroom’ quickly became a room for his trinkets and to decompress when overwhelmed.
An exciting thing that occurred after he started to get accustomed to Eridian society was Adrian and Rocky courting him! He had some complicated and confusing feelings back as a human about his two friends but becoming Eridian had made things more clearer and his friends knew that. Their whole courting process was beautiful, he didn’t waste time before saying yes to being their mate. Not much changed after that beside everyone being much more open about things and a lot of cuddling sessions. Gosh, what would Colt and Marissa think of this? The conversation off offspring had a habit of randomly popping up and during one of those, Rocky and Adrian had told him that they would want him to be part of having one. To which he had been a little hesitant but loved the idea of having a pebble of his own. Unfortunately, as it turns out, he was incapable of producing eggs, let alone viable eggs that would be able to fuse with Adrian and Rocky's. Which shouldn’t be that big of a surprise given everything that had happened but man that was a gut punch.
One day when all three of them were home, Ryland found himself having a conversation with them that he quite honestly never thought would happen. Rocky had known about his whole ‘feeling uncomfortable in his own skin’ deal. It was a very long four year trip, it was bound to come up some time during that.
Adrian had asked how he was coping with a completely different body. To which he had answered honestly, “I never felt more comfortable.” Which had prompted more questions.
But it was true. The feeling and itch that had haunted Ryland all his life had all but vanished since his change. Not that he understood it completely himself but he was slowly piecing it together. Somehow, little Ryland had known there was a whole world out there — sixteen lightyears away — that was his true home. Once when Rocky had reassured him that he’d watch Ryland sleep, he thought about how he always felt the need to watch the stars. Unintentionally — or was it intentional with all things considered? — he watched Rocky sleep and kept him safe despite being lightyears away. He had continuously felt cold because Erid and Eridians live in an atmosphere that was much hotter than Earth's. Ryland felt completely whole. A feeling he never thought he’d feel.
A feeling he would never have felt if he never got sent to space. He wanted to hate Stratt for betraying him the way that she did but he couldn’t bring himself to do so. After all, Stratt was in the same role as him. Same side of the coin.
Had she known I'd find my answers out here?