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“Jes, I’m sure you’re gonna do great” Wylan assured his boyfriend through the phone, sitting on his windowsill.
Tomorrow his friends had their final final exam. They’ve already written a few and most of them went well. Of course, everyone had a problem with different things. For example, Mattiahs struggled with Kerch language and history. Nina learned new languages as if it was the easiest thing to do. Instead she truly hated math.
Kaz, even though he would never admit it, struggled with foreign language a lot. During second year in high school they all had to choose one foreign language to learn. Obviously Matthias’, Nina’s and Jesper’s, even Inej’s choices were easy. They all just participated in classes with their native languages. Wylan and Kaz could choose any other. Kaz picked Ravkan, since he found it the most useful.
Wylan decided to try the Zemini language. He wanted to be closer with his boyfriend’s culture and it was a nice opportunity.
Finally, Jesper struggled with chemistry a lot. He just didn’t understand it, the teacher was also awful, so it wasn’t helping. Wylan obviously tried teaching him and it worked for tests and stuff like that, so he hoped Jes’ last exam, chemistry exam, would also be alright.
Since they all had their strengths and weaknesses, they tried to help each other. Kaz and Wylan helped Matthias with Kerch, Kaz with language, Wylan with history. Nina and Inej helped Kaz with Ravkan. Matthias helped everyone with math and Jesper helped everyone with biology and geography. And Wylan helped Jesper with chemistry. So they made it work. And when it’ll be time for Wylan’s and Inej’s final exams, they will also receive help from their friends.
Even without exams Jesper helped Wylan a lot. He would read for him and sometimes write, if someone insisted something had to be handwritten.
“I know! I feel it's gonna be okay, but I’m still stressed!” he groaned on the other side of the line. He was laying on the carpet on his floor. “I just want to be after this already, so we can go out” he sighed dramatically. They planned to go eat some fun food and just spend some time together with others, right after the exam. Also, tomorrow was Wylan’s birthday.
“I know, baby” he ducked his head to the side with a soft smile. “Just remember you’re ready to write everything. As your tutor I can say you’re incredibly smart, no matter what. You’ll do great. And after we'll eat pizza and garlic bread” he laughed. He didn’t have to say a lot to convince his boyfriend.
“You always know what to say, you little smartass” he bickered. “But you’re my smartass, so that’s okay” he giggled. “Hey, maybe-” but Wylan didn’t finish, because someone knocked on his door. “Wait, Jes”.
“Master Wylan?” it was one of the maids, Anya. “Your father is calling you to the office” she announced with a compassionate smile. “Thank you, Anya” he closed the door just for a moment. “I have to go” he said on the phone.
“Okay, so tomorrow at eleven bells by our spot?” Jesper asked, having in mind the place where he usually spent his breaks. “One last time?”
“One last time” he confirmed. “I love you, Babe. Good luck!”.
“Bye, Wy, baby. I love you!” he made kissing noises through his phone with a little giggle.
After hanging up, Wylan came over to the mirror to straighten his tie and smooth out the shirt. He quickly went downstairs, right to his father’s office. He felt hot under his collar. Why has his father demanded his presence in the office in the evening? It was weird, he got suspicious.
“Come in” his father’s voice was muffled, but still sounded angry. Inside Jan Van Eck sat on this big, leather chair behind a heavy desk. On the other site, on one of the chairs, sat a man Wylan didn’t recognize. “Father” he greeted. “This is Mister Eric Visser” he pointed with his hand. This man was definitely older than his father. He had grey hair, but a kind smile on his lips. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mister Visser” they shook hands. “The pleasure is all mine”.
“Mister Visser is your mother’s lawyer” his father announced, when they all sat down. “I’m sorry?” Wylan didn’t believe his Mama was mentioned in this house after so many years. “Behave, boy” Jan hissed.
“It’s alright Mister Van Eck. I’ll explain everything” he said gently. “I was hired by Marya Van Eck just a few weeks before her death, when Healers working with Mediks found out she can’t be saved” he talked mostly for Wylan, since his father probably already knew all of this. “She wanted to rewrite her will. I was supposed to announce it when you're eighteen and as far as I know your birthday is right after midnight” he looked at Wylan, who was paler than usual.
His father had never told him about any of this. He didn’t know what to think.
“Please, don’t mind my son’s improper behavior. You can continue, Mister Visser” saying his father was angry was like saying nothing. Wylan didn’t want to imagine what’s going to happen when they’ll be left alone. He just swallowed heavily, feeling a big lump in his throat.
“So…” the lawyer coughed uncomfortably. “Master Wylan inherited his mother’s flat in the center of Ketterdam” his father’s eyes widened slightly. To a stranger it might be nothing, but Wylan spent almost eighteen years learning and reading his father’s face. Jan Van Eck didn’t know about this apartment. He was surprised. He didn’t know the address. “It was rented until last month, but now it’s ready for Master Wylan to move in at any moment. Obviously you can contact me, if you want to rent it for a longer time. Here” he opened his briefcase and he pulled out a big, thick envelope. “Inside there’s everything you need to know about your flat. The address, notarial deed, the keys and other stuff. The last thing is the account. Everything that was earned on the rent of the apartment is here and now it belongs to Master Wylan. Your payment card is also in the envelope. You just need to sign papers you’ll find there” he finished with a polite smile. “I’ll give you my number, so you can call if you need anything” he gave Wylan a small piece of paper.
“Thank you for your time Mister Visser” his father stood up and shook hands with the lawyer, while Wylan clutched the envelope to his chest. He only got up to say goodbye to Mister Visser, but completely froze when his father slammed the door shut.
“Happy?” he asked, standing tall over Wylan who only hunched his shoulders to make himself smaller. “You did nothing to deserve your mother’s kindness. She died before finding out you’re an idiot. I’m glad she didn’t have to suffer as I suffer everyday” he said with a cold, emotionless voice. “She would be so disappointed in you, Wylan”.
“That’s not true” he said through clenched teeth.
“No? You can’t even read the address of your new flat by yourself” he mocked. “It’s one bell until midnight. I want you out of my house by then. If you’re still here I’m gonna throw you out myself” he announced.
“What?” he paled. Yes, he wanted to be free, to leave his father and this house forever, but to want and to do was something entirely different. “No, I-”
“Are you that stupid? Can’t you even understand what I’m saying? I want you out!” his voice grew only louder.
“But, dad-” his father’s palm was met with his cheek. He was more surprised than hurt, but still speechless. Jan Van Eck didn’t stop at that, but caught his son’s throat with his fingers and squeezed.
I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. Ican'tbreathe.
“You’re no longer a Van Eck. You’re no longer my son. I’ll do everything as long as people forget I had a son” he spat, his hand disappeared.
Wylan didn’t wait any longer, just stood up and literally ran to his room. His satchel was leaning against the desk, so he just grabbed it and sharply turned around. From the desk he grabbed his laptop and headphones. He opened his nightstand drawer and packed his flute, music sheets and sketchbook with shaking hands. At the very back he found a little cigarette box. There were no cigarettes inside, but something different. Something he didn’t use in a while, but he knew he would now, as the waves around him kept crushing.
Lastly he caught his medicine, that helped him be himself. Those were his most valuable, and not because of price, things.
Then he checked the time. Still enough to pack his clothes. Wylan grabbed his suitcase from the closet and reached for his things. First underwear, then the rest. His favourite hoodies, pants, shirts.
When he was done, he closed his bag and just left, without looking at his room once more. By the door he was met with his father’s figure.
“Ghezen saw fit to curse me with a moron for a child. You are a boy who will never grow to be a man. You were a disgrace to my house” he sighed. “The world would not be any kinder to you than I was. Remember that boy” with that he handed Wylan another envelope. “Your birth certificate. I won’t need it anymore. Now, get out”.
Wylan walked out of the house he lived in his whole life without once looking behind. He walked out of the gate, on the street. He walked and walked until he couldn’t anymore. He sat on the bench and with a gut-sinking feeling realized what happened. He was disowned.
He didn’t know what to do.
He couldn’t call Jesper. He had to sleep, because he had his last exam tomorrow. Wylan would not be the reason his boyfriend failed. But that meant he couldn’t call any of his friends. They all would need sleep. But Inej. Inej was not going to write a test. But what would he tell her?
He was too ashamed to do anything.
He took the envelope from the lawyer out of his bag. At least he wanted to find the address of his Mama’s flat. But he didn’t know what those papers said. His phone was running low on battery and his text to speech app would glitch.
Wylan Van Eck was alone and scared.
***
“Well I wrote everything, but I’m not sure about half of those questions? Like I’m hundred percent sure the last one is right, because I clearly remember when Wy was showing me how to do it, but we’ll see rest” Jesper announced while they were leaving the school hall. He was pretty calm during the exam, even though he was stressed before. He didn’t receive any ‘good luck’ message from Wylan, which surprised him, but maybe his boyfriend just overslept. Now he was excited that his finals era was over and he could celebrate with all of his friends and then father.
“Oh, that’s great! I didn’t have enough time for a few, but I think I’m still going to pass this one. It’s not important for my uni papers, so that’s alright” Nina said, holding hands with Matthias as they walked. They talked for a while longer, but finally left the school and came closer to their place at the back of the building. Only Inej was perched on the bench, Wylan was not around.
“How was the test?” she asked as soon as they were close enough to hear her. They all shared their feelings on the questions, but after some time, when Wylan was still not there, Jesper got worried.
“He didn’t see the message on the group” he announced to the rest.
“Maybe you’re just overreacting?” Kaz rolled his eyes as always. “Maybe” he sighed. “But you know Wylan. He hates to be late and he would write if he would not come”.
“Okay, so let’s call him” Matthias suggested. Wylan did not answer. “I’m sure something has happened” Jesper began to pace and fidget. Inej came up to him and put her hand on his arm. “I’m sure he’s okay”.
“What if he’s not?” his mind was filled with multiple bad scenarios. “You talked to him yesterday? Did something happen?” Kaz asked, now full in his scheming mode. “No, I don’t think so? We talked about today’s test for a while and confirmed the meeting? I mean, he had to go, cause-” and then it clicked. “He was called to his father’s office” everyone heard the change in his voice.
“We should have his location” Kaz once made sure that all of his Crows had each other's location on their phones. It was important in moments like that.
Thankfully, they never really needed to check those locations. Only once, long before they made a friend group.
Jesper was fifteen, a few months after moving to Ketterdam from Novyi Zem, but he was already hanging out with Kaz and Inej. At first the change of the environment was helping him heal, but soon he missed his Ma too much and he was angry with his Da too much, and everything was just too much.
So he started drinking and gambling. The first time was just for fun. So he tried again and before he was aware of it, he was addicted.
One night, after a stupid fight with his Da, he went out and when he didn’t return the next evening, Colm reached out to his friends, asking for help. Asking if they knew where his son could be.
And Kaz did find him. On the worst side of The Barrel, and The Barrel was already the worst itself, in a gambling hall. Jesper was asleep with his head on the table, dirty and barely conscious.
That’s when not only his Da realised there was a problem, but also Jesper himself. With Colm’s help he stopped gambling, stopped drinking and started therapy. His Da’s help was what saved him, because he wouldn’t be able to do this alone. In the therapy it was also discovered that he had ADHD. It explained a lot about him and when he got his meds, he was able to make progress.
Obviously it’s not like suddenly he was normal. He was still hurting and still making mistakes. He relapsed and made his Da mad and worried. But he wanted to be better. He was healing. So, he was clean for almost a year. His only addiction now was Wylan and sometimes cigarettes, but just occasionally. So maybe it was not an addiction, cause he didn’t need cigarettes to live.
But Wylan was definitely his biggest addiction. But also the healthiest one. So when Jesper didn’t know if he’s okay, he was worried sick.
“It’s from ten bells ago” Nina checked. “He was a few streets from his home. Pretty close to The Exchange”.
“Should we go there?” Matthias asked.
“I don’t think he would still be there” Kaz didn’t look at any of them, probably in the middle of forming a plan. “We can assume he didn’t spend the night at home”.
“What?” Jesper whispered. “If he was outside past midnight, I don’t think it was his choice” Kaz explained. “But I don’t know why he didn’t go to your house. I mean, it happened before, why not now?”.
Their conversation was abruptly stopped, when Jesper’s phone rang. His mind wandered to his boyfriend. “It’s Wylan?” not only his apparently. He quickly grabbed his phone and tried to not be disappointed, when he saw who’s calling “My Da”.
“Hi Da, what’s up?” Colm was probably calling to ask about his test. “Wha’? With you?” his face must’ve betrayed his thoughts. “Where? Yeah, okay, we’ll be there in like, third of a bell?” he promised and turned to his friends after hanging up. “Wylan is with Da”.
“What?” they were all surprised. “Apparently he called Da in the early morning. I don’t know the details, but they’re in our home?” he moved to his car, hoping his friends would follow. They did. “Why didn't Colm say anything earlier?” Inej wouldn’t show it on her face, cause she didn’t want to stress Jes further, but she was worried.
“He left before I did” Jesper explained, starting the car. It was Colm’s old car, the one they used before Colm bought himself a new one. “I thought he had to work”.
Why didn’t his Da say anything? Didn’t call or write, why didn’t Wylan? And what had happened? He hated being left out in the dark, he hated not knowing something.
Was Wylan sick? Was he hurt? What happened?
As much as he enjoyed driving, this time he literally dreamed of already getting to wherever they were going. He only focused on his task and drove safely, because his friends were with him.
“What do you think happened?” Nina asked. She wasn’t as talkative as Jesper, but didn’t like silence as well. And now they were quieter than the abandoned cemetery. “Probably some kind of fight with Van Eck” he gripped the steering wheel tighter until his knuckles turned white. “I mean, nothing good ever happens when Wylan’s called to the office”.
“We have to get him out of this house” Kaz declared from his passenger seat. “Scheming face” Nina and Inej muttered to each other.
They finally reached the street Jesper house was on. Colm was already there, standing in front of the door. He had his brows furrowed, but didn’t look extremely worried in general.
“Da” Jasper quickly hugged his father. “Where’s Wy?”.
“He’s fine, Jes” he promised, looking at his son and his friends. “We should go to him, I’m not the one to tell what happened. But he is safe” he led them inside.
Somehow they all managed to fit in the small hall and that wasn’t easy with Kaz that needed space without touch and two other guys over six feet tall, with broad shoulders. Colm wasn’t as tall as his son, but had muscles from years of work on the farm. The silence was overwhelming and made Jesper just more panicked, so he didn't wait for his friends nor did he take off his shoes. He just went straight to the living room, where he suspected his boyfriend was.
“Oh Saints, baby” when he saw him sitting on the couch, he pushed forward and grabbed Wylan’s hand, to pull him into a crushing hug. He held his boyfriend’s head to his chest and felt arms around his waist. “I was so worried, Wylan” he muttered against red curls.
“I’m sorry” he whispered back with tears in his eyes. They both felt exactly like those few weeks ago, when Wylan came to Fahey’s home. “I’ll tell you everything, I’m sorry” he repeated. Suddenly there was another pair of hands around them and another and so they were holding each other, but they were also held by their friends. Even Kaz put his hand on Wylan’s shoulder.
“Come on, kids” Calm called. “I made you all coffee” he pointed out. They broke apart, even though Jesper never let go of his boyfriend’s hand. On the coffee table there were indeed a few mugs. They decided to sit around the table instead on the couch, only Colm pulled himself a chair from a table next to the couch. “So, what happened, merchling?” Kaz asked without beating around the bush. He also ignored Matthias’ warning look and Inej nudging his shoulder.
“He disowned me” Wylan mumbled. Now that Jesper was next to him, still holding his hand, he saw the little cut on his lip and light pink-ish colour on his cheek.
“What?” Nina whispered, sitting sideways on the side of her legs, since she wore a really short skirt. “But… did something happen? I can’t believe you did something”.
“Van Eck doesn’t need Wylan to do something, Nina dear” Kaz snapped. “He just hates him”.
“Kaz!” Inej hissed. “No, he’s right” Wylan muttered, holding his boyfriend’s hand tighter between his own. “He said…” he didn’t want to show how his voice grew thicker, because of the lump in his throat. “That after midnight I’ll be eighteen and he wants me out of his house forever” his voice was barely louder than a whisper, but others heard him clearly.
“Just told you to get out?” Matthias had shock written on his face. Even though Fjerdan parents were strict with their children, he has never heard about a situation like this.
“No… I mean… Kind of?” he stumbled over his words. “There was a lawyer. He said something about a flat I inherited? From my Mama…” Jesper's hand on the nape of his neck was a true blessing. “He gave me an envelope, but I couldn’t… yeah. I think father didn’t know about this”.
“So you left in the middle of the night and then what?” Kaz asked. “Why didn’t you call?”.
“You guys had an exam today… I walked to the bus station, waited there until morning. I managed to charge my phone and I called Mr. Fa- Colm. He picked me up” he sent the older man a tight smile. So that’s why he didn’t look surprised, Jesper thought. “You should’ve called anyway, Wylan” he whispered to his ear. Just for him to hear. “I would’ve come for you. And if I couldn’t walk, I’d crawl to you, and no matter how broken we were, we'd fight our way out together, knives drawn, pistols blazing. Because-”.
“Because that’s what we do. We never stop fighting” Kaz ended. “Are you hurt?”.
“Careful Kaz or I’ll think you’re worried” Wylan tried to joke, but they all knew it was humorless. “I am” Kaz just admitted.
“I took care of everything” Colm promised.
***
It was early in the morning, the sun had barely touched the curtains yet, when Colm heard his phone ringing. As he lazily opened his eyes and checked the clock. Almost six and a half bells. Who could be even awake at this unholy time? As the sound died, he thought that maybe it was just a dream. But then it rang again so he reached for his phone with a tired sigh. Wylan.
He was awake in a moment. He knew something bad happened. Wylan has never ever called him and he had his number for almost two years. He sent him messages with birthday wishes and sometimes photos of him and Jesper, but he never called.
“You okay, lad?” he asked, jumping out from his bed and quickly dressing up.
“Um. I don’t know, sir” he whispered on the other side of the line and it absolutely broke Colm’s heart. His voice was barely loud enough to be heard, thick with tears. And so, so scared. Colm didn’t even bother with reminding Wylan that he didn’t have to call him sir, his own name was enough. “Where are you? I’ll pick you up, son”.
“Oh, you don’t have to-” he tried to reassure.
“Wylan” he called his name with so much kindness and patience. “It’s okay. Just tell me where you are”.
“The bus station”.
***
“We should report this to the Stadwatch” Matthias’ voice cut through the room, when they heard the rest of Wylan’s story.
“And for what? They wouldn’t do anything. Wylan is technically an adult so there’s no law saying he has to live with his parent” Kaz replied. His voice was cold and professional, almost lawyer-like. “Besides, even if he was a little kid, Van Eck has Stadwatch in his smallest pocket”.
“I hate to say it, but Kaz is right” Nina sighed, from her place next to Matthias. They were all still curled up around the coffee table. Only Colm went to the kitchen and Kaz changed his place from floor to the couch, since his bad leg started to hurt.
“There has to be another way” Inej muttered.
“Maybe we just have to burn his house?”
“No, we should beat him!”
“What about breaking his car?”
“How do you guys feel about kidnapping?”
“Guys?” for a long time Wylan was just sitting here, clutching his boyfriend's hand between his, listening to his friends ideas, but they were starting to sound a little bit too crazy. “Guys!” he shouted.
“Yes, Wy?” Inej gently asked, stopping the conversation.
“Can we leave it? For now?” he looked around with hopeful eyes. “I really appreciate all those ideas, but maybe we just should rest today? You are after the test, and by the way I need to know all the details about it. I’m sure everyone’s tired, so let’s order some food and watch films for the rest of the day? It’s a good way to celebrate that you finished high school and maybe to spend birthday?” he suggested.
And just like that he saw that all of his friends realized it was his birthday. Which was funny, cause they were talking about it for hours now. But he understood that given the circumstances it was easy to focus on different things that day. So he was almost giddy seeing his boyfriend’s face.
“Oh my Saints!” Jesper gasped with wide eyes. “Happy birthday!” he was gathered into his boyfriend’s arms. Jesper hugged him around his waist and left thousands kisses on his face. It tickled, so he started giggling.
“Wylan!” he felt another pair of hands on his shoulders, pulling him into another hug. By the force of it he recognized Nina. Also, he saw her red, long, gel nails. She hugged him from behind, screaming wishes into his ear. “I wish you a lot of love, happiness and health. I wish all your dreams come true. I know you’ll achieve everything you want, cause you're so strong. I love you so much. Oh, oh! And I wish you that Jesper will fulfill all your dirty little fantasies” she was still screaming, so Wylan was sure Colm also heard the last part, even though he was in another room. “Nina” he groaned. His face was definitely as pink as it could get, but he was so happy with all of that, he probably didn’t care.
Next was Matthias, who wasn’t the best with words, but gave him a strong hug with a pat on his shoulder. “Happy birthday, lamb”.
When Inej encircled his waist with her slim arms, he gently hugged her back. They didn’t need a lot of words. She whispered a few things into his ear that he needed to hear.
When they broke apart, he was smiling so hard his cheeks hurt. He was laughing even. What he didn’t expect though, was a hug from Kaz. It was one-armed and so short he almost didn’t catch the moment, but it definitely was there. “Welcome to freedom, Wylan”.
It was hours later, when they ate pizza, sweets and finished their third film.
“I didn’t like this ending” Inej grimaced. They watched one of the newest horror movies. About a group of friends that went to another country for holidays and rented a cabin in the middle of nowhere. In the forest, obviously. They started a drinking game and one of them turned out to be a killer. It ended with the death of every single character. “It wasn’t even a horror!”.
“I mean, it was an unpleasant experience, but not scary” Nina admitted.
“I just don’t like jumpscares” Wylan added. “There were a few of them, weren't there? The movie itself wasn’t scary though".
“I hope we don’t ever end up in this kind of situation” Kaz said loudly from his spot on the armchair.
“Well, I don’t think there’s a serial killer in our friend group” Jesper snorted.
“No, I hope I’ll never end up on holiday with you” Kaz deadpanned.
“Okay, I’m going to be a serial killer, if you’re acting like this” Nina laughed.
“You are not funny, Demjin” Jesper argued, imitating Matthias’ accent. “If Nina kills us all, I’m going to get Wylan’s ghost to teach my ghost how to play the flute just so that I can annoy the hell out of your ghost”.
“I’ll just hire Matthias’ ghost to kick your ghost’s ass”.
“My ghost won’t associate with your ghost”.
“No fighting kids” Inej laughed. “Nina, what time is it?”.
“Eeem, wait” she lazily reached her bag with her foot and took out her phone. “I thought you had a phone in your pocket, I would’ve reached mine, sorry” Inej said. “No worries, everything for you my dear Nej” she just waved her hand. “Oh Saints, it’s already past nine bells” she groaned. “When do you guys have your last bus?” she asked. They all loved to hang out in Jesper’s house and the only obstacle was that it was on the edge of the city, so they were limited by buses.
“Guys, please, I brought you here and I’ll take you back” Jesper promised, since they didn’t drink tonight.
As the plans were made, they stood and left their comfortable places to say bye to Colm. When they were done, they moved to the corridor and put on their shoes. They all said goodbye to Wylan too. He was going to stay with Colm, since they didn’t have enough seats in the car for him to go too. But that was okay, he was going to stay with Fahey’s for a few days, before starting his life on his own. This thought of going into independence was still on the back of his mind, but for now it was covered by other things.
He knew he was not alone. He had Jesper and his friends and Colm. They would help him.
But he didn’t have a family.
When his friends all gathered in his boyfriend’s car, he stayed on the stairs by the door and waved after them.
Inside he told Colm he was gonna take a shower and went to the bathroom upstairs.
And, after many hours, he was alone.
In Jesper’s room he walked to the closet and took out one of the older boy’s hoodies. The black one with the Spiderman logo on it. He also gathered plaid, red pants and random underwear from his bag. In the bathroom he left those things on the counter and undressed himself.
He didn’t look at himself in the mirror, just quickly went into the shower.
He could no longer lie to himself about what happened. Stinging pain pierced through his arms as hot water hit the cuts on his forearms. He let the tears run down his cheeks. He was just so tired and scared.
He cut himself for the first time when he was twelve. The excuse was honestly pathetic. He didn’t do it when his mother died. He didn’t do it when his father hit him for the first time. He didn’t do it when everyday was just another beatings, tonics, hypnosis.
He did it because his father screamed at him. It wasn’t the first time, wasn’t the last time. But something about the circumstances made it too much.
It was after his wedding with Alys. She was just nineteen, barely after high school.
Wylan didn’t cause a scene in the church nor did he do something stupid during a party. He simply had tears in his eyes. During a ceremony. It’s not like he didn’t like Alys. He just missed his Mama, he wanted his Mama. Tears ran down his face against his will and of course his father saw.
After the wedding he screamed at Wylan. Jan didn’t even hit him, just scold.
But suddenly it was too much. So Wylan took apart one of the razors in the guest bathroom and took one of the blades out. He cut himself that night for the first time. The cuts were shallow, barely there. But he did it.
It became his way to deal with the world when it became too much. He stopped once he started high school, scared someone would see. At first he thought about cutting his tights, but somehow he managed. Obviously he relapsed, but he was clean for so long now.
Until today. Even though he was clean for some time, he kept blades in the cigarette box at the end of his bedside table. He took it with him when he left his father’s house.
He cut himself in the bathroom at the bus station.
Those lines were deeper than the ones he used to cut. Three on the right forearm, four on the left. Wrapped with tissues at first. Then he covered them with a band-aid, when he called for Colm. Thank Ghezen he wore black shirt.
Now they stung and hurt and so he cried and he wanted Jesper and he wanted his Mama.
He was scared to tell his boyfriend. Jesper knew he used to self harm. He had to. Wylan wanted to be honest with him. They talked about everything. Jesper knew about his self harm
and that he was trans and his father's actions and his Mama’s death. Wylan knew about his gambling and his ADHD and his Ma’s death.
So. Jesper knew. He saw his scars. They had a really great and wealthy sex life. They saw each other naked all the time. So Jesper saw his top surgery scars and his self harm scars. He even kissed them.
(Wylan absolutely didn’t cry).
But he told Jesper they were old and that he was past this. They celebrated when he was clean for two years not even three months ago. How he managed he didn’t know, but somehow he didn’t cut himself once during their relationship. Maybe it was because his father mostly left him alone during his high school years. He didn’t care anymore.
Wylan didn’t want to tell Jesper.
He also knew he had too.
Not because Jesper would make him. But because he would notice eventually, there was no point in hiding it.
His sleeve could roll up. He could forget himself. Besides, Jesper saw his arm countless times, he would remember that those scars weren’t there.
They often had sex, so he would get suspicious if Wylan suddenly would not want to. Not that he would be mad or anything, Ghezen no, Jesper was the best men ever. But he would like to know what happened and what changed and what Wylan is feeling, bless his kind heart.
So. Wylan would tell him.
He decided to just stop thinking. He had to do something and he would. So he started humming one of the songs he was currently practicing on his flute and finished his shower.
He covered his cuts with ointment he found in the cabinet, put gauze pads on them and wrapped them in fresh bandage.
He put on his underwear, hoodie and pants and went to Jesper’s room to wait for his boyfriend.
He hated silences so after he got cozy in bed, he reached for the remote and put on his favourite musical on the TV.
He must’ve dozed off a little bit, cause he shuddered when the door closed.
“Sorry, babe, didn’t mean to scare you” Jesper whispered gently coming closer to the bed. He seemed to be already in his pajamas. “I’ve showered. Didn’t wake you, cause you looked so warm and nice” he answered the unasked question he saw in Wylan's eyes. “I see you’re ready to sleep” he laughed, sitting next to him.
“Um… Not quite yet?” he murmured, also sitting with his legs crossed, so he was face to face with his boyfriend. “I have to tell you something” he took a deep breath and reached for Jesper's hand so he could fidget with his fingers.
“I’m listening, darling. What happened?” he looked a little bit worried with a furrow between his eyebrows and lip between teeth. But he still put his free hand on the younger boy’s knee to wordlessly reassure him.
“I uh… Yesterday… I-I did…” he took another deep breath when nothing came out, no words.
“Wy, look at me” Jesper said softly. So Wylan did. “Whatever it is, you are not alone, alright?”.
“I cut myself” he whispered looking into those beautiful grey eyes. He saw how they widened, the worried furrow changed into shock and more worries. “Last night. On the bus station. I know there is no justification. I shouldn’t have done this. But I was overwhelmed and alone and scared and-” he felt like all the air escaped his lungs, he couldn’t breath. Hands around his throat.
“Wylan” he felt a stronger grip and his hand. Air finally made its way to his lungs. “I understand. You don’t have to justify yourself. I don’t know how to say it…” Jesper pulled his boyfriend closer. “I mean… We both know self harm is a really bad way to deal with problems, but also I don’t know if we can say you shouldn’t have done this? I mean it would be better if it didn’t happen, but it did and now there’s nothing we can do about the fact that it already did happen, but we can try to do something so it would not happen again?” he seemed stressed.
Wylan knew Jesper for a long time. Three years. So he knew when his boyfriend was stressed and when he would spiral into not being able to tell exactly what’s on his mind.
But Wylan knew him well enough.
“I think I get what you’re trying to say” he assured with his head on Jesper’s shoulder. “I don’t know what to do now” he admitted.
“You know I would never tell you what to do” Jesper rubbed small circles on his back. “But maybe you should try therapy? We can ask my Da for help. He found a perfect therapist for me, even though I would never admit it at the beginning. But you can see yourself that therapy helped me and is still helping. Maybe you also should give it a try? It’s scary, but we will be there for you” he promised with a gentle kiss on his curls.
“I think you’re right. I think we can talk with Colm tomorrow" he knew Jesper was right. It was not the end of his problems. It was not even the smallest part of it. But it was a beginning. It was a decision. “Thank you. For being here with me”.
“Always. I love you, Wylan”.
“I love you” he sat straight so he was able to finally kiss his boyfriend. The kiss was slow and sweet, not heady. It was tired and gentle and loving.
When they broke apart Jesper slowly took his hands in his and asked “Can I?”. He always asked, never assumed. When he received a small nod, he pulled Wylan’s sleeves higher so he could see the bandages. Looking Wylan in the eye he brought his forearms to his lips and softly, oh so softly, kissed them.