Work Text:
@GasStationGary
UM???
Just stopped for gas outside Ottawa and there is a whole Ottawa Centaurs minibus here.
Rozanov isn't with them.
But Haas, Boodram, Hayes, Barrett, Dykstra, Young, Holmberg, Boyle, LaPointe and Chouinard are ALL here.
IN SUITS.
It's JULY.
What is happening.
#Centaurs
@PuckDetective
Off-season team wedding.
Calling it now.
@GoalieProblems
Nobody voluntarily puts on a suit in July unless somebody is getting married or somebody died.
@CentaursFan87
LP is wearing a tie.
LP.
A tie.
This is clearly a historic event.
@BurgersAndHockey
Maybe team photos? 🤔
@CentaursFan87
At a PETROL STATION???
@GasStationGary
Update:
Boodram bought seventeen energy drinks.
Hayes bought sunscreen.
Dykstra bought flowers.
This investigation is getting worse.
@NHLRumoursDaily
Flowers?
WEDDING. 🥳
@PuckBunny613
Whose wedding though?
The entire Ottawa roster showing up together means somebody important.
@RozysBigStick
If Rozanov is getting married I'll eat my jersey.
@StatsAndSlapshots
To WHO?
The man changes girlfriends faster than I change passwords. 😂
@CentaursMediaWatch
Important note:
Captain Ilya Rozanov has been completely absent from social media for 36 hours.
@ConspiracyCorner
HE'S THE BRIDE.
@GasStationGary
I regret reporting any of this. 😔
@TrafficLightTina
Okay so this gets weirder.
I was just stopped at a red light in Ottawa.
The SUV next to me had Hayden Pike driving and Cliff Marlow in the passenger seat.
YES.
THAT Hayden Pike.
THAT Cliff Marlow.
There were giant bakery boxes in the back.
What is happening???
@HockeyInternet
EXCUSE ME. (⊙_⊙)
@PuckDetective
Hold on.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Pike plays in Montreal.
Marlow plays in Boston.
Why are they together?
@CakeTruthers
SHOW US THE BOXES.
@TrafficLightTina
I zoomed.
The boxes were from Delice Royale.
It's a fancy confectionery.
@CakeTruthers
CAKES. 🍰
@PuckBunny613
MULTIPLE CAKES. 🍰 🎂
@GoalieProblems
You don't transport multiple cakes unless it's a wedding or a hostage situation.
@MontrealMetroFan
Hayden Pike would absolutely get recruited into wedding logistics.
He has four kids.
He's basically a project manager.
@BostonBearsForever
Cliff Marlow and Ilya Rozanov have been attached at the hip for years.
If Cliff is carrying cake then Rozanov is involved.
@RozysBigStick
No.
No no no.
Not my jersey.
@HockeyWifeWatcher
Imagine being a random Ottawa citizen today.
You look left.
Hayden Pike.
You look right.
Cliff Marlow.
You look back.
CAKE.
@HaydenPikeFanClub
The funniest part is Hayden probably has snacks in the car for emergencies.
@JackiePike
Can confirm. 👍
@HockeyInternet
JACKIE???
@JackiePike
Also Hayden forgot one of the cake boxes at home this morning.
You are all welcome.
@TrafficLightTina
WHAT.
@JackiePike
I have already said too much.
@PuckDetective
THE WITNESS HAS BEEN SILENCED.
@OttawaDogWalker
You guys.
I have another one.
I just saw Yuna Hollander walking Ilya Rozanov's dog.
Anya.
The fluffy brown, white and grey mix one. 🐕
@NHLRumoursDaily
???
@OttawaDogWalker
The dog is freshly groomed.
And wearing a burgundy bow. 🎀 🎀 🎀
@PuckBunny613
WHY DOES THE DOG HAVE A BOW.
@DogFashionWeekly
Actually burgundy is a beautiful formal colour.
@OttawaDogWalker
Thank you but that doesn't answer anything.
@GoalieProblems
We now have:
Entire hockey team in suits.
Cake convoy.
Fancy dog.
None of these clues fit together.
@ConspiracyCorner
Dog wedding.
@CentaursFan87
I would attend.
@HockeyInternet
Wait.
Wait.
WAIT.
Doesn't Rozanov wear a ring on a chain?
@NHLArchiveGuy
📸: [photo attached]
Photo from last season. Ring is faintly visible.
@PuckDetective
OH MY GOD.
@StatsAndSlapshots
People thought it was a religious medal.
@NHLArchiveGuy
No.
His mother's crucifix is separate.
There's definitely a ring too.
@ConspiracyCorner
ENGAGEMENT RING. 💍
@RozysBigStick
I suddenly don't like where this is going.
@PuckBunny613
If Rozanov has secretly been engaged for years I am going to need several business days.
@NHLRumoursDaily
Question:
Who would he even be marrying?
@GoalieProblems
The entire NHL.
@HockeyInternet
Not helpful.
@RoseLandryUpdates
Wait.
Could Shane Hollander be getting married?
@PuckDetective
Go on.
@RoseLandryUpdates
His last public relationship was Rose Landry.
They stayed friends.
Maybe they got back together privately?
@MovieAndPucks
Honestly that makes more sense than Rozanov being engaged.
@MontrealMetroFan
Shane Hollander secretly getting married is believable.
The man doesn't even tell reporters what he had for breakfast.
@HockeyInternet
Counterpoint:
Why is Rozanov's dog involved?
@GoalieProblems
Maybe the dog is best man.
@DogFashionWeekly
Best girl.
@IrinaFoundationSupport
Reminder that Hollander and Rozanov run the Irina Foundation together.
They're close friends.
Maybe they're both attending.
@PuckDetective
Close friends.
Right.
Very close.
@NHLRumoursDaily
There is now a 600-comment thread debating whether Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov share custody of a dog.
@HockeyInternet
I hate this website.
@CourthouseCoffeeGuy
I work near Ottawa Courthouse.
There are fancy flower arrangements being delivered.
@Everyone
AAAAAAAAAAAAAA
@CourthouseCoffeeGuy
There are also approximately fourteen extremely large hockey players trying to pretend they aren't guarding the entrance.
@CentaursFan87
That's definitely Ottawa players.
@CourthouseCoffeeGuy
One of them looked directly at me and I forgot my own name.
@LPFanAccount
Probably LaPointe.
@CourthouseCoffeeGuy
No.
The Russian one.
@Everyone
ROZANOV.
@CourthouseCoffeeGuy
Actually maybe not.
He was smiling.
Never mind.
@HockeyInternet
Not enough information.
@SecretWaiter613
I am about to destroy the internet.
📸: [photo attached]
@NHLRumoursDaily
OH MY GOD.
@SportsCenterNorth
IS THAT DAVID HOLLANDER?
@SecretWaiter613
Yes.
@PuckDetective
IS THAT ILYA ROZANOV???
@SecretWaiter613
Also yes.
@HockeyInternet
ENHANCE.
ENHANCE.
ENHANCE.
@SportsZoomGuy
Enhanced.
David Hollander is helping Rozanov with his cufflinks.
Mother-of-pearl and gold.
@FashionOnIce
Those are gorgeous.
Not the point.
But gorgeous.
@MontrealMetroFan
WHY IS SHANE'S DAD HELPING ILYA GET DRESSED. 🤔❓
@GoalieProblems
THAT IS NOT A NORMAL FRIENDSHIP ACTIVITY.
@PuckBunny613
My father has never helped my friends with cufflinks.
@HockeyInternet
We have crossed into unprecedented territory.
@RoseLandryUpdates
Okay.
I'm officially ruling out Rose.
I don't think her ex-boyfriend's father helps random hockey players dress for weddings.
@PuckDetective
Either:
A) Rozanov is marrying somebody.
or
B) We are all having a collective hallucination.
@ConspiracyCorner
Option B remains strong.
@ScottHunter
This is the funniest day I've ever had online.
@NHLInternet
SCOTT???
@ScottHunter
I'm not saying anything. 🤐
@PuckDetective
YOU KNOW SOMETHING.
@ScottHunter
I know many things.
Age brings wisdom.
@IlyaRozanov
Old man finally useful, yes.
@HockeyInternet
HE'S ONLINE.
HE'S ONLINE.
HE'S ONLINE.
@ScottHunter
Congratulations on your special day.
@IlyaRozanov
Thank you, grandfather.
@ScottHunter
I'm only a few years older than you.
@IlyaRozanov
This is tragic for you, yes.
@Everyone
WHAT SPECIAL DAY.
WHAT SPECIAL DAY.
WHAT SPECIAL DAY.
@IlyaRozanov
Beautiful weather.
Good day for paperwork.
@PuckDetective
PAPERWORK???
@IlyaRozanov
Very exciting paperwork.
@ScottHunter
You're enjoying this far too much.
@IlyaRozanov
Correct, yes.
@PuckDetective
"Very exciting paperwork."
HE'S MOCKING US.
@HockeyInternet
Ilya Rozanov has discovered the internet is suffering and has chosen violence.
@MontrealMetroFan
WHERE IS SHANE.
WHY IS SHANE NOT TWEETING.
@HaydenPike
He's busy.
@Everyone
HAYDEN.
@PuckDetective
Busy doing WHAT.
@HaydenPike
Important paperwork apparently.
@JackiePike
Hayden.
@HaydenPike
What?
@JackiePike
Stop helping.
@HaydenPike
Sorry.
@JackiePike
No you're not.
@HaydenPike
No.
@NHLRumoursDaily
I have never seen this many hockey players accidentally reveal information.
@BoodsBurner
Boodram absolutely cracked first.
I had money on him.
@ZaneBoodram
I HAVE NOT CRACKED.
@LucaHaas
You asked the group chat if we were allowed to tell people the dog was wearing a bow.
@ZaneBoodram
THAT WAS A SECURITY QUESTION.
@WyattHayes
You wrote it in all caps.
@ZaneBoodram
IT WAS IMPORTANT.
@HockeyInternet
THEY'RE FALLING APART.
@OttawaWatcher
Another courthouse sighting.
Yuna Hollander just arrived.
David Hollander is still there.
Rose Landry is there too.
@RoseLandryUpdates
ROSE IS THERE???
@MovieAndPucks
WAIT.
WE WERE RIGHT.
@PuckDetective
OR WE WERE VERY WRONG.
@GoalieProblems
Honestly at this point both seem possible.
@RoseLandry
I leave my phone alone for two hours and apparently I've been married six times.
@HockeyInternet
ROSE.
@RoseLandry
No comment.
@PuckDetective
THAT IS A COMMENT.
@RoseLandry
Good luck everybody. 🍀
@ConspiracyCorner
She's enjoying this.
@RoseLandry
Very much.
@CourthouseCoffeeGuy
Update.
Someone just arrived with a dog.
The dog has flowers on the leash. 🌺 🌺 🌺
@DogFashionWeekly
ICONIC.
@OttawaDogWalker
THAT'S ANYA.
@PuckBunny613
The dog is more formally dressed than I am.
@CourthouseCoffeeGuy
The dog also appears to be receiving attention from every human present.
@DogFashionWeekly
As she should.
@SecretWaiter613
New photo.
📸: [photo attached]
@SportsZoomGuy
ENHANCING.
@SportsZoomGuy
Okay.
That's definitely Cliff Marlow.
Definitely Hayden Pike.
Definitely carrying cake boxes.
@CakeTruthers
WE WON.
@TrafficLightTina
I FEEL VINDICATED.
@CakeTruthers
The cakes were real.
Never stop believing.
@CliffMarlow
The cakes are very real.
@Everyone
CLIFF.
@PuckDetective
WHY ARE YOU THERE.
@CliffMarlow
Because somebody asked me to be.
@PuckDetective
WHO.
@CliffMarlow
No.
@HockeyInternet
Worth a shot.
@CliffMarlow
Though I will say.
Watching thousands of people reinvent detective work has been educational.
@HaydenPike
One guy thinks Anya is getting knighted.
@JackiePike
I liked that theory. 😊
@HaydenPike
Honestly same.
@MontrealMetroFan
WHERE IS SHANE.
@HaydenPike
Still busy.
@PuckDetective
BUSY DOING WHAT.
@HaydenPike
Paperwork.
@Everyone
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
@OttawaCitizen
I think I just saw Shane Hollander.
Dark suit.
Freckles.
Looked nervous.
@MontrealMetroFan
That doesn't narrow it down.
He's nervous ordering coffee.
@RoseLandry
Can confirm.
@HockeyInternet
ROSE IS STILL HERE.
@RoseLandry
I'm having a great time.
@NHLRumoursDaily
I would like to formally apologize to Rose Landry for marrying her to multiple people today.
@RoseLandry
Accepted.
@ScottHunter
Not by me.
@RoseLandry
You never apologized.
@ScottHunter
No.
@PuckDetective
The retirees are flirting again.
@ScottHunter
I'm thirty-three.
@IlyaRozanov
Ancient, yes.
@ScottHunter
You're getting married and still found time to annoy me. 🙄
Remarkable.
@IlyaRozanov
Multitasking.
Elite athlete skill.
@HockeyInternet
HE SAID GETTING MARRIED.
HE LITERALLY SAID IT.
@PuckDetective
SCREENSHOT EVERYTHING.
@ScottHunter
Oops.
@ScottHunter
Anyway.
Congratulations.
@Everyone
CONGRATULATIONS TO WHO.
@ScottHunter
Not telling.
@NHLRumoursDaily
The amount of information we have is absurd.
The amount of understanding we have is zero.
@JordanYoung
Honestly same.
@Everyone
JORDY.
@JordanYoung
I have attended this event.
I still don't know what's happening.
@PeteHolmberg
That's because you cried through half of it.
@JordanYoung
I'M EMOTIONAL.
@PeteHolmberg
You cried when the dog arrived.
@JordanYoung
SHE LOOKED NICE. 😍
@DogFashionWeekly
Finally somebody understands.
@SecretWaiter613
Okay.
I am definitely getting fired.
New photo.
📸: [photo attached]
@SportsZoomGuy
ENHANCING.
@SportsZoomGuy
OH.
MY.
GOD.
@Everyone
WHAT.
@SportsZoomGuy
Shane Hollander.
And Ilya Rozanov.
Standing together.
At the front.
@HockeyInternet
...
@PuckDetective
...
@NHLRumoursDaily
...
@GoalieProblems
NO.
@MontrealMetroFan
NO.
@CentaursFan87
NO.
@RoseLandry
Yes.
@Everyone
ROSE.
@RoseLandry
Sorry.
Continue.
@SportsZoomGuy
There is literally no other explanation.
@PuckDetective
NO.
@SportsZoomGuy
YES.
@PuckDetective
NO.
@SportsZoomGuy
THEY ARE HOLDING HANDS.
@PuckDetective
...
@SportsZoomGuy
AT THEIR OWN WEDDING.
@HockeyInternet
THE RIVALRY WAS A LIE.
@NHLHistoryNerd
YEARS OF INTERVIEWS.
YEARS OF "I DON'T LIKE HIM."
@MontrealMetroFan
THEY WERE IN LOVE???
@CentaursFan87
FOR HOW LONG???
@ScottHunter
Long.
@RoseLandry
Very long.
@CliffMarlow
Painfully long.
@HaydenPike
Unbelievably long.
@YunaHollander
Extremely long.
@DavidHollander
Exceptionally long.
@Everyone
OH MY GOD THEIR FAMILIES KNEW.
@PuckDetective
I HAVE DEVOTED YEARS OF MY LIFE TO HOCKEY ANALYSIS.
@GoalieProblems
AND FAILED.
@PuckDetective
COMPLETELY FAILED.
@IlyaRozanov
In your defense.
You are not very smart, yes.
@PuckDetective
THANK YOU ROZ.
@IlyaRozanov
You are welcome.
@ShaneHollander
Please stop bullying people on our wedding day.
@Everyone
OUR.
@ShaneHollander
Oh.
@IlyaRozanov
Too late now, Lyubimiy, yes.
@HockeyInternet
LYUBIMIY. (My love.)
@MontrealMetroFan
I NEED TO LIE DOWN.
@PuckBunny613
THEY'RE USING NICKNAMES IN PUBLIC.
@RoseLandry
This is actually much less embarrassing than usual.
@HaydenPike
You should have heard them in private.
@ShaneHollander
Hayden.
@HaydenPike
Sorry.
@JackiePike
He's not sorry.
@HaydenPike
No.
@OttawaCentaursOfficial
OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT.
We are proud to announce that captain Ilya Rozanov and Shane Hollander were married today in Ottawa surrounded by family and friends.
Congratulations to the happy couple.
❤️
📸: [photo attached]
@HockeyInternet
THE ADMIN USED A HEART.
@PuckDetective
THE ADMIN KNEW.
@OttawaCentaursOfficial
We knew many things.
@MontrealMetrosOfficial
Additionally.
We would like to thank Shane Hollander for his years of leadership and service.
@MontrealMetroFan
Wait.
WHAT.
@MontrealMetrosOfficial
And wish him success in the next chapter of his career.
@Everyone
WHAT NEXT CHAPTER.
@OttawaCentaursOfficial
One more thing.
@Everyone
NO.
@OttawaCentaursOfficial
Shane Hollander has signed with Ottawa.
@HockeyInternet
NO.
@MontrealMetroFan
NOOOOOOOOO.
@CentaursFan87
YESSSSSSS.
@PuckDetective
THEY GOT MARRIED AND SIGNED TO THE SAME TEAM ON THE SAME DAY???
@NHLRumoursDaily
THIS IS THE BIGGEST HOCKEY NEWS STORY OF THE DECADE.
@ScottHunter
Honestly it's the funniest.
@RoseLandry
Agreed.
@HaydenPike
I've been carrying this secret for years.
@CliffMarlow
Weak.
I carried it longer.
@HaydenPike
You also carried cake.
@CliffMarlow
Fair.
@JordanYoung
Wait.
Does this mean Rozanov transferred to Ottawa years ago because…
@Everyone
OH.
@PeteHolmberg
OH.
@LucaHaas
OH.
@ZaneBoodram
OH MY GOD.
@PuckDetective
HE MOVED FOR LOVE???
@IlyaRozanov
Do not make this sound romantic.
@ShaneHollander
You moved across countries for me. 🥰
@IlyaRozanov
I was bored in Boston, yes.
@CliffMarlow
Liar.
@HaydenPike
Massive liar.
@YunaHollander
Terrible liar.
@DavidHollander
Historically bad liar.
@RoseLandry
One of the worst.
@ShaneHollander
The worst.
@IlyaRozanov
This website has become hostile.
@AnyaTheDogFan
Can we please acknowledge Anya.
@OttawaDogWalker
YES.
@DogFashionWeekly
WHERE ARE THE PHOTOS.
@YunaHollander
📸: [photo attached]
Anya was very brave today.
@HockeyInternet
SHE HAS A MATCHING BURGUNDY BOW.
@DogFashionWeekly
PERFECTION.
@JordanYoung
Still cried.
@PeteHolmberg
We know.
@NHLRumoursDaily
Final recap.
This morning we thought:
- Ottawa players in suits
- Mystery cakes
- Fancy dog
- Secret ring
By tonight we learned:
- The ring was an engagement ring.
- Shane and Ilya have been together for years.
- They got married.
- Their families knew.
- Their friends knew.
- Half the NHL knew.
- Shane signed with Ottawa.
@PuckDetective
And we knew absolutely nothing.
@ScottHunter
Not true.
@PuckDetective
?
@ScottHunter
You correctly identified the cakes.
@CakeTruthers
WE NEVER DOUBTED.
@IlyaRozanov
Only real journalists today, yes.
@ShaneHollander
The funniest part is that everyone figured out our secret relationship because Hayden forgot to hide the cake boxes.
@HaydenPike
In my defense…
@JackiePike
No.
@HaydenPike
Fair.
@IlyaRozanov
Imagine hiding relationship for many years.
Winning championships.
Surviving media.
Surviving rivalries.
Surviving everything.
Then defeated by cake, yes.
@ShaneHollander
And a dog bow.
@IlyaRozanov
And dog bow.
@AnyaTheDog 🐶
woof
@HockeyInternet
THERE'S A DOG ACCOUNT?
@AnyaTheDog 🐶
I exposed two NHL captains and all I got was this bow. 🎀