Work Text:
conversation "Polysquad - and the comedy central roast of michaela"
eastsidetotheWESside: pure squad, me, michaela, oliver
eastsidetotheWESside: sin squad: connor, laurel, asher
conartist: yea i get that
promqueen: first step to solving a problem is acknowledging that there is one
conartist: lol when did i say it was a problem
laurelll: what the FUCK this is BULLSHIT
risefromtheashers: what did i ever do
eastsidetotheWESside: you know what you did, asher
risefromtheashers: ??? no i don't ????
ITollie: im not as pure as people think i am
conartist: and the award goes to wes for somehow making three fifths of his significant others upset with him with just two texts!
promqueen: what even made you send this
laurelll: better question: why the fuCK AM I SIN SQUAD
risefromtheashers: at least we are in this together, laurel
laurelll: somehow, shockingly, that doesn't help
risefromtheashers: ;((((
eastsidetotheWESside: anyway i got the idea from the cinnamon roll meme going around
eastsidetotheWESside: i thought it would be funny. i didn't think it cause so much animosity
conartist: great now im mad at you because you just referenced the dead cinnamon roll meme
ITollie: that's cool and all but iM NOT PURE SQUAD IVE SLEPT WITH EVERY GUY IN THIS GROUPCHAT
promqueen: literally everyone in this groupchat has done that ollie
ITollie: STILL NOT PURE SQUAD
risefromtheashers: oh yeah he's bad to the bone folk
ITollie: wow rude bitch you didn't have to be sarcastic about it
conartist: SAVAGE
laurelll: #rekt
eastsidetotheWESside: wow what a roast
ITollie: you started this wes??
laurelll: you've torn this family apart
promqueen: that's true sin
risefromtheashers: squad update:
risefromtheashers: pure squad: me, michaela, laurel
risefromtheashers: sin squad: connor
risefromtheashers: "i tore a family apart" sin squad: wes
risefromtheashers: could but didn't want to be in pure squad squad: oliver
ITollie: yea i can deal with that
eastsidetotheWESside: okay why is there an entirely independent sin squad for people who tore a family apart and why did you guys strand me there
eastsidetotheWESside: that's the true tearing of a family
promqueen: 1) tearing apart our family is a level of sin not defined even within the label "sin squad"
eastsidetotheWESside: OH WOW OKAY IM FEELING EVEN MORE ATTACKED RIGHT NOW
laurelll: don't play victim wes
eastsidetotheWESside: okay
promqueen: 2) there's no tearing at what's already torn bby :):):)
eastsidetotheWESside: okay it's not funny anymore guys i'm actually sad now
promqueen: wait nO im sorry wes!!!
eastsidetotheWESside: its fine
laurelll: bAbe i can come home now if you want me too
eastsidetotheWESside: you don't have to
laurelll: but do you want me to?
eastsidetotheWESside: ,,, yes
laurelll: coming
conversation "Queer Girl Squad"
promqueen: how is wes doing
laurelll: he's fine now
laurelll: don't feel bad about it michaela
promqueen: i should've realized it was bothering him
laurelll: it was a text conversation, sometimes it's hard to tell these sort of things
promqueen: i know it's just i should've been known still w this ~past~ and stuff that maybe talking about him tearing up a family wasn't the smartest move
laurelll: neither of us thought about it
laurelll: but we will now, so we can be better spouses
promqueen: yeah, i guess
promqueen: tell wes i love him
laurelll: will do
conversation "Polysquad - and the comedy central roast of michaela"
risefromtheashers: is wes alright now or do i need to come and Comfort™ him
risefromtheashers: connor, ollie, and i all got caught up in something and we only just read the other texts
eastsidetotheWESside: i'm doing fine now but thank you
eastsidetotheWESside: i didn't mean to worry you guys it's really not anything
eastsidetotheWESside: i shouldn't be distracting you from work
risefromtheashers: "he's more important than an everyday murder case" - connor, about wes
risefromtheashers: "okay true but murder cases aren't everyday don't say that that's scary" - oliver
risefromtheashers: and with those quotes, i'd like to say, in conclusion, we love you and you should let us love you
eastsidetotheWESside: i promise i'm trying
conartist: THERE IS NO HOPE LIFE IS BULLSHIT DONALD TRUMP IS PRESIDENT AND TIME IS AN ILLUSION
laurelll: sssSHHHHH OBAMA STILL HAS TWO MORE MONTHS
risefromtheashers: what even happened
conartist: the coffee machine at work isn't coffee-ing
ITollie: as an IT expert i must advice you to turn it off and on again
risefromtheashers named the conversation "Polysquad - and the comedy central roast of michaela - and turning it on and off again ;) if you know what i mean"
eastsidetotheWESside named the conversation "Polysquad - and the comedy central roast of michaela - and turning it on and off again"
eastsidetotheWESside: keep you sin out of the groupchat name
eastsidetotheWESside: this is why i put you in sin squad
conartist: UPDATE: turning it off and on again actually worked, mostly because i had forgotten to turn the coffee machine on again in the first place
risefromtheashers: m o s t l y
conartist: yeah, mostly.
ITollie: happy to help
promqueen: we're all lawyers. shouldn't we be smarter than this?
ITollie: we're so overwhelmingly gay
ITollie: like straight monogamous couples,, that's what most people achieve in life
ITollie: imagine what it's like to be society's norm of a relationship
ITollie: no getting weird looks when you walk down the street, not having to explain your relationship at every turn, being able to be married to all your spouses
conartist: that's deep and all ollie but like i'm actually in the middle of sucking your dick and your riding wes like literally right now so could you get off your phone
ITollie: yeah, okay
promqueen: that was one of the weirdest things i've ever watched happen
laurelll: rt
risefromtheashers: relatable content
risefromtheashers: i a m c r a v i n g s m o r e s
promqueen: why tf do you have to type it all creepy
risefromtheashers: will soMEONe come to the store w me
laurelll: why?
risefromtheashers: what are you "why"-ing there?
laurelll: all of it
risefromtheashers: well i want some smores, and we don't have any smores materials
risefromtheashers: but they would be at the store, which i don't want to go to alone
eastsidetotheWESside: asher, it's midnight. all the stores will be closed
risefromtheashers: i honestly hadn't even thought of that
ITollie: #collegekidlyfe
conartist: you're out of college?
ITollie: these relatable memes feed the family, connor, don't disrupt my artistic process
conartist: i?
eastsidetotheWESside: we could go tomorrow?
laurelll: dominos is open now tho if you wanna get the chocolate lava crunch cakes from there
promqueen: i love how concise the name is
risefromtheashers: S O L I D P L A N LAUREL
risefromtheashers: who's gonna come w/?
ITollie: i'm in bed i can't
conartist: ^^^
promqueen: revine
eastsidetotheWESside: rip vine forever in our hearts and memes
risefromtheashers: ;((( you guys i can't go into the night darkness alone
laurelll: i can go
laurelll: and so can wes
eastsidetotheWESside: i can?
laurelll: cool squad is going so i mean
eastsidetotheWESside: well shit i gotta be cool im coming
eastsidetotheWESside: I REGRET GOING
laurelll: LKA S;LKDJFASDJF KSL;ADJF LAKSDJF ;LKA
risefromtheashers: W H Y G O D
promqueen: what the hell is happening here
risefromtheashers: ONE OF OUR OLD CLIENTS WAS THERE
ITollie: okay??? what's wrong with that???
risefromtheashers: NOTHING EXCEPT AS SOON AS WE WALKED IN WE MET GAZES AND ALL SHE SAID WAS "why are you guys here?"
risefromtheashers: LIKE SHE SAID IT WITH SUCH A DISGUSTED EXPRESSION AND BEFORE WE COULD EVEN RESPOND SHE FOLLOWED IT UP WITH "should you guys be working on... lawyering instead of... you know?"
risefromtheashers: TO WHICH SHE GESTURED AROUND THE DOMINOS WE WERE CURRENTLY AT 12:30 IN THE MORNING
conartist: okay that's a bit awkward but like i think you guys are over exaggerating it
risefromtheashers: I A G R E E W I T H Y O U
risefromtheashers: I WANTED TO SOLVE THE SITUATION BY JUST KEEPING MY HEAD DOWN IN SHAME, NOT RESPONDING, AND GETTING MY FUCKING CAKES
risefromtheashers: BUT G U E S S WHAT THESE TWO DID
promqueen: ????
eastsidetotheWESside: please asher
laurelll: don't make us expose our shame
risefromtheashers: LAUREL YELLS OUT "mind your own fucking business"
ITollie: I????
laurelll: pUSHy people bUg me o k a y ?
risefromtheashers: AND AT THE SAME TIME WES SNEERS BACK "we got you out of jail, are you sure you wanna test us? we could put you back in."
eastsidetotheWESside: OKAY IT WASN'T A S N E E R
risefromtheashers: it totally was but whatever babe
promqueen: I CANT BELIEVE YOU DID THAT WES
conartist: annalise is gonna be so mad we lost her a future return client
eastsidetotheWESside: I KNOW IM SO SORRY
eastsidetotheWESside: IT'S BEEN A LONG DAY OKAY IM TIRED
ITollie: awe wes
conartist: we can do a little 8==D when you get home if you wanna relax ;)))
promqueen: he said he was tired not stressed s t o p t h i s
eastsidetotheWESside: *8====D
conartist: ??? what were you even correcting there
eastsidetotheWESside: i made it longer bc we were talking about me not you
ITollie: o h s h i t
laurelll: SHOTS FUCKING LAUNCHED
promqueen: *air horns*
conartist: stop attacking me ;((
risefromtheashers: ANYWAY BACK TO THE STORY
risefromtheashers: BY THIS POINT THE EMPLOYEES HAD ALREADY BEEN CONFUSED BY THE CONFRONTATION HAPPENING AT THEIR FINE ESTABLISHMENT
eastsidetotheWESside: half the employees were sucking their lives from cigarettes outside the back of the "establishment" are you sure about that use of "fine"?
risefromtheashers: BUT THEY WERE BEGINNING TO LOOK OUTRIGHT AFRAID WHEN THIS LADY STARTS SCREAMING AT US
risefromtheashers: WHICH IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU U TAUNT A LADY WHO WAS IN A F U C K I N G PRISON??? @LAUREL AND WES
laurelll: oops sorry?
risefromtheashers: SO I THINK IT WAS THE MANAGER WHO LED HER OUT OF THE STORE
risefromtheashers: AND THEN IN SILENCE WE GIVE THEM OUR MONEY SO WE CAN JUST G E T OUR FOOD FINALLY
laurelll: we have been sitting in the car driving back in silence for the past half an hour
promqueen: i can't believe im desperately in love with you all??
eastsidetotheWESside: speaking of love @connor im down for that proposal from earlier
promqueen: that's not love that's s i n f u l l u s t
conartist: even tho u insulted my dick i GUESS i'll still fuck you
ITollie: love in the 21st century