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1. The Centaurs
It was a beautiful summer night, surrounded by everyone he loved, and Hayden Pike was feeling left out. Shane and Ilya had taken to throwing Canada day parties at their cottage each summer for the camp coaches, and everyone was there. Hayden had known a good portion of the Centaurs from the coaching for a few years now and thought he got along with them well enough. They lacked the same intensity as the team in Montreal, but they made up for it in fun. That being said, Hayden found himself confined to the perimeter of the festivities after Shane’s first season with the Centaurs, unable to break into the mix. He tried petting Anya as she moseyed by, but she picked up her pace the second his hand made contact.
A group of guys were taking turns in a tournament of giant Jenga, and Ilya was currently facing off with Troy in a heated match. Hayden watched as Ilya slipped out what had looked to be a load-bearing piece effortlessly. All the guys ooohed and ahhed as he carefully balanced it on top of the tower. Ilya gave a ridiculous bow, and stepped back for Troy to take his turn.
”What is he like as a captain?” Hayden asked Wyatt, who stood further off with him. “Probably cocky as hell.”
“I mean, yeah, he is,” Wyatt laughed. “But he’s certainly earned it. Our rebuild couldn’t have happened without him or that confidence.”
“Doesn’t it get annoying though?” Hayden asked. “Shane was never like that as a captain.”
Shane was watching the competition with intense focus. Knowing him, he’d probably have notes on proper block maneuvering and optimal weight distribution for Ilya after this round.
“Honestly, I have such a hard time picturing Hollzy as a captian,” Wyatt said. “I mean the guy’s got wicked skills, and he’s good at finding holes in our systems, but in his first few months I thought he’d be content to never speak to anyone but Roz if it didn’t affect his output. And I still think he talks to me more than most.”
It was at that moment that Troy pulled out a piece that was already hanging ⅔ of the way out, and the tower came crashing down. A roar erupted from the guys watching as Troy fell to his knees in defeat. Ilya let out a whoop as he picked Shane up and spun him. The celly felt more appropriate for an overtime goal than a backyard kid’s game. Hayden tamped down his annoyance as Shane blushed and squirmed when Ilya set him down with a dramatic smack of a kiss. Shane didn’t like to be touched. Everybody knew that.
Taking a breath, he turned back to Wyatt. ”What do you mean? Shane was a great captain!”
“Hey man, maybe he was,” Wyatt said, holding his hands up defensively. “All I know is that any of us guys that knew him before coming to Ottawa think he just seems so much more relaxed since taking the backseat. And I’ve loved getting to know Shane more since he’s opened up! Roz just fits the team so well, he’s so good at connecting with every different personality and finding a place for all of them in our locker room. It’s really inspiring.”
“What’s inspiring?” Troy said, fleeing the scene of his defeat. He threw a friendly arm around Wyatt, but raked his eyes up and down Hayden. Hayden was never a fan of Troy for obvious reasons, and Shane didn’t seem thrilled when he went to Ottawa. Of course though, Troy had won Shane over once he befriended Rozanov. That newfound good faith didn’t go both ways though, as Troy always seemed to despise Hayden.
“We are talking about Roz in the locker room and how he just connects with everyone,” Wyatt said to Troy, either oblivious to the tension or ignoring it all together.
“Yeah, I was saying I was having a hard time picturing it,” said Hayden. “He’s abrasive at best.”
Troy studied Hayden with his cool blue eyes for a long time, and Hayden wasn’t sure why he felt like he had just personally insulted Troy.
“He gives tough love for sure,” Troy said. “But that’s what holds the team together. He pushed me hard when I got here to be better, and he didn’t cut me slack. He just understood what I needed. But that’s me. He’s fun too. He can joke with anyone, just instantly match their humor. The rookies always idolize him and he knows exactly how to handle it. He always has them relaxed around him by the end of camp.”
“He only ever seems to know how to be an asshole to Shane and I,” Hayden said.
Troy blinked, unmoved.
“That’s because Shane is an asshole to him right back,” Troy said. Hayden went to open his mouth. Shane was a lot of things. He was funny and sweet but he certainly wasn’t an asshole. But Roz always seemed to bring out an angry side of him. Troy kept talking though. “It’s like rage baiting is their love language. I think ‘you fucking asshole’ is ‘I love you’ for them. As for you, I don’t know, Roz is a real ‘give what you get’, so asshole must have been the vibes you were putting down,” Troy said dryly. He gave Wyatt one more slap on the back before wandering off to watch the next round.
So Troy wasn’t any less of an asshole than when he was in Toronto, Hayden noted.
Wyatt shrugged. “He’s totally right, it’s like foreplay for them or something. But, yeah, Roz isn’t an asshole to me or anyone else on the team that doesn’t prefer that type of dynamic. Shane’s always saying he’s good with your kids. He probably makes them laugh without being mean, right?”
Hayden did have to concede this, though he wasn’t convinced every hour of babysitting and goodwill towards his children wasn’t some sort of longcon from Rozanov to get under his skin. I mean, who really liked spending that much time around children, especially not your own? It wasn’t even like they were yearning for kids or something. Hayden had asked them multiple times if they were going to have kids soon, and it always ended in Shane shifting awkwardly and muttering things about ‘maybe someday’ and Rozanov relentlessly laying into Hayden about a breeding kink. Hayden wasn’t actually sure how a gay couple had kids, probably adopt or something, right? Or surrogacy? Did that mean one of them would have to sleep with a girl? Rozanov would probably like that. He was weirdly close with that one ex of his. Anyways, it’s not like one of them had to take time off hockey to get pregnant or something. But they seemed content to just live vicariously through Hayden’s parenting for now.
By the time Hayden surfaced from his thoughts, Wyatt had meandered over to join the Jenga spectator crowd. Rozanov, the reigning champion, was now very seriously facing off with Ruby. Whatever, as long as they wanted to keep babysitting, Hayden wouldn’t stop them. Less work for him.
2. David
The Hollander-Rozanov Christmas party was held annually at their home in Ottawa, and Jackie had insisted they go. She now was completely immersed in a conversation with the Centaurs WAGs, so Hayden once again found himself on the sidelines of a function. He stood next to the drinks table watching Rozanov with one arm around Shane and the other grabbing Svetlana’s elbow as he threw his head back and laughed. That friendship was always weird to Hayden. He couldn’t imagine keeping an ex in his life. He wouldn’t do that to Jackie. Not that he would ever cheat on Jackie, but like, he saw when other women were hot. That didn’t turn off the minute he got married so why make things complicated? Maybe Shane was okay with it because he didn’t know any better, or didn’t have any other real exes to compare it to. Well, real exes he was attracted to, Hayden thought as Rose fucking Landry giggled and playfully shoved at Rozanov’s chest.
“Do you ever worry about Rozanov and, like, his past?” Hayden asked David, who had materialized at the makeshift bar next to him.
“Sometimes,” David said softly. “But he’s been putting a lot of effort into therapy since before they got married.”
Well. At least Hayden was glad to hear that. That guy was very publicly a total sex addict.
“Oh, yeah, that’s probably a good thing,” Hayden nodded, happy to have found a friendly ear. “Shane make him go?”
Shane never seemed to have much to say about mental health before they started the Irina Foundation, but had recently become a big believer in therapy, telling Hayden it changed his life.
”I don’t know the details but I know Shane supports it.” David looked mournful. “It’s just hard as a parent to see him so down on himself when you know he’s so great, you know?”
Hayden did know. He wanted someone for Shane that lit him up. He knew Shane maintained that he and Rozanov were happy together, but in the time Hayden had fully seen their relationship for what it was, the pressure in Shane’s life just seemed to mount. While Shane was in Montreal, they would isolate themselves away at any chance they got. When they eventually got married, Hayden thought maybe some of the stress would let up, but Shane’s explanation for his newfound love of therapy was that this year was one of the hardest of his life somehow. Shane chalked it up to the change from Montreal, having to relearn a new team, and having to handle the media scrum around him and Rozanov, but none of that wouldn’t happen if he wasn’t with someone as hard for him to be with as Rozanov.
“Shane’s always had this intensity about him,” David said. “We love him for it, but we weren’t sure how others would match it.” Hayden had always felt the same about Shane. “He’s fantastic. He’s so good for Shane,” David continued.
Wait, what?
“Ilya is so full of love and adoration for Shane, it complements that intensity perfectly. And I know some of it is genetic, with his mother, and that scares me too, but I’ve been so proud of him for unlearning all the shame he has around feeling so deeply. I just wish Ilya could always fully believe that he is worthy of all the love our family has to give him,” David said.
Hayden froze. All he had known was over a decade of arrogance and cockiness from Rozanov. Sure, he cried at their wedding, but that’s just what you do. He otherwise hadn’t seen much of this so-called sensitive side David seemed to believe in.
“It’s taken a lot to get him to open up to us, but he’s really come out of his shell since we’ve known him, and he’s really pulled Shane out of his shell in return,” David said, smiling. “Yuna and I just tried to be there for them when everything was crazy last year, and everybody was giving their opinion or investigating them. He takes such good care of Shane. He was the one that got Shane to start therapy too, which, between you and me, I’d quietly been hoping for for years. I’m so proud of where they’ve landed.”
Hayden didn’t know what to do with that or with the misty-eyed David currently standing in front of him who was looking affectionately at Rozanov. Rozanov, who now had both Shane and Svetlana fully hanging off of him. It felt cruel to disagree though, so Hayden just nodded and drifted off to find Jackie.
3. J.J.
“Hey man, are you free for lunch?” J.J. asked Hayden. Hayden was exhausted after morning practice and just wanted to go home, but J.J. had become his closest friend on the team after Shane left, and he could use a pick-me-up.
“Yeah sure,” Hayden said.
“Cool, just give me one moment and I will be ready,” J.J. said, wincing as he gave himself an extensive knee massage while he sat.
”Still bothering you?” Hayden asked.
They were in the hard stretch of a brutal season. Montreal was giving everything they had just for a wildcard spot in the playoffs, but even that felt like wishful thinking right now. They were all beat up, and J.J. had meniscus surgery two years ago that was flaring.
“Yeah,” J.J said. Hayden’s normally boisterous friend looked defeated.
“You should see the trainer before we go,” Hayden said.
J.J. rolled his eyes. “They’ll just tape it. I can do that myself without giving Coach an excuse to cut my ice time.”
Hayden’s brow furrowed. “They don’t have any painkillers for you? They gave me injections for far less last year with my elbow.”
J.J. studied Hayden, seeming to decide what to say. Before he landed on anything, the defenseman on J.J.’s powerplay unit exited the showers.
”Hey, O’Malley, think we can work on zone entries this afternoon?” J.J. asked. “I don’t like the way we’ve been lagging.”
O’Malley rolled his eyes.
“You need to keep the fuck up,” the defensemen said. “I thought you were supposed to be fast.”
“Speed means nothing if we can’t coordinate when going slow,” J.J. said. “I just want to run some connections.”
J.J. Is right, Hayden thought. The young and showy defensemen had been sloppy in his recoveries, and too many passes were being overshot. Instead of being receptive to this though, O’Malley got in his face.
”You aren’t my fucking coach, so until he has a problem, I think I’ll keep doing what I’m doing” O’Malley spat, lightly pushing J.J.’s chest.
Hayden held his breath as J.J. stood up in a fury. Hayden had lost his A, and the authority he thought he’d have to intervene with it. He and J.J. were definitely getting iced out by the team since making their alliance to Shane clear. Hayden was getting the cold shoulder, but J.J. seemed to take on more active animosity from it. Hayden wasn’t sure if it was because of how J.J. had come around on Rozanov, or if he was just more prone to arguing fights he wouldn’t win, but this looked like yet another round of the latter.
J.J. got even closer to O’Malley. Hayden grabbed his arm, trying to hold him back.
”J.J., let it go,” Hayden said. “I’m hungry.”
JJ shook him off. “You want to be first unit? You need to start acting like it,” he said, pointing a finger into O’Malley’s chest. “Part of that is fucking listening to your linemates hotshot.”
“BOIZIAU!” Theriault snapped, choosing that moment to interject. “I am so goddamn tired of you picking fights. Go take a walk.”
Hayden took J.J.’s arm again, and this time J.J. let him drag him out of the room, moping all the way to the restaurant.
He and J.J. took the back booth at a restaurant that felt overly-fancy for the occasion.They gab about nothing. Hayden tried to lighten the mood until the food arrived. Despite his best efforts though, J.J. remained on edge. He seemed to be on edge most of the time these days. After taking a few bites, J.J. cleared his throat.
“So, my contract is up this season,” J.J. starts.
Hayden nods. “How are negotiations going? Are they giving you what you want?” He asked cautiously.
”Yes and no,” J.J. said. “Montreal offered me a re-sign. It’s good, nine million times six years, no trade clause. But I am going to take free agency. I’ve been shopping around.”
Hayden’s jaw dropped open. J.J. continued. “Detroit is my first choice, and things are looking good. I just wanted to be the one to tell you before the rumors start to circulate.”
Hayden felt like his world was crumbling.
”Man, why?”
J.J. stared at him. “Do I really have to spell it out for you?”
“I mean I get things are weird with the team right now, but we are in the second year of a rebuild after losing our franchise cornerstone. The dust will settle, J.J., certainly over six years.”
J.J. snorted.
“Maybe for you Hayden, it always seems to,” J.J. paused, seeming to want to say something but reconsidering. “I can’t take this anymore, and I shouldn’t have to.”
Hayden put his head in his hands. “I miss Shane, bro, I fucked everything up.”
“I mean, you did, but do you think this all started with FanMail?”
Hayden picked his head back up, “No, I mean I guess he was doomed from the moment he got with Rozanov.”
J.J. studied him inquisitively. “I mean, if I guess if they got together before the draft, sure, I don’t know. I’m still confused about that timeline. But, yeah, Hayd, he wasn’t exactly set up for success from the start. Even if he is Shane Hollander. Maybe especially because he is Shane Hollander. I do not know, and it is not worth my time to figure it out. All I know is Shane was the only one who ever had my back in the locker room, who got it. I know things have gotten worse since he left, but him leaving kind of showed me that there are other options. We were talking the other day about Ottawa, and I just didn’t know a team could be kind to you like that, y’know?”
Hayden felt like he was barely keeping up with the conversation. When did he not have J.J.’s back? “Well, yeah, of course they are gonna be good to him, they love Rozanov.” Hayden rolled his eyes.
“Hayden, this has nothing to do with Ilya. Did you even realize that Shane leaving made me the only one left here?”
”What are you talking about, J.J.? Are you gay too? Like that’s totally cool and all but---”
J.J. muttered some French that Hayden did not know, but could still interpret the frustration under his breath.
“Not gay, you idiot, person of color. I just dealt with it because I thought I had to. I figured if they treated Shane Hollander the way I did, then I have no shot. I was just grateful he was my capitaine. But that is out the window now.”
Hayden was dumbfounded. He knew he and J.J. were being iced out, but he figured it was just their allegiance to Shane. He didn’t realize J.J. was getting something extra. Or well, he did, but figured it was the same equal distribution of chirps that everyone got. Hockey meant signing up for a lifetime of jokes and insults, and usually your biggest differences and insecurities were first on the chopping block.
“J.J., man, I didn’t realize that was happening. Of course I have your back! Just tell me next time. Who do I need to fight?
J.J. rolled his eyes. “How generous of you to start now.”
“Look I haven’t been having the easiest time since Shane left either man,” Hayden said. “If you’ve noticed. I’m sorry if I’ve been distracted, but we gotta stick together here. We’re good, right?”
J.J. offered him no warmth.
“This didn’t start two years ago, Hayden. And Shane still managed to fend for me even when the C was the only thing that made the guys listen to him, even when he’d get the same shit right back. People at least knew enough to not say obvious shit in front of him. I’m sorry if not being the center of the captain’s attention has been hard for you Hayden, but you’ve gotten off pretty easily otherwise.”
Hayden had a million questions, and felt stupider with every one he asked. Honestly, he kind of forgot Shane was Asian a lot of the time. He was really only half, and Hayden rarely noticed it as a defining feature of him. That was good, right? Either way, Shane had never complained about it, and Shane told Hayden everything. Hayden conceded that occasionally he’d hear the slurs against J.J. from opponents, that J.J. often complained about racist reporters when press coverage categorized him as “aggressive,” but what sort of racism would even affect Shane in hockey?
“It was really bad enough for him that the Centaurs are that different?” Hayden questioned.
“Oh my god, Hayden, it is so night and day that one night a few months ago he called me up crying and apologizing that he wasn’t a better captain for me. Did you know the Centaur’s coach lets Ilya and Boodman plan monthly diversity trainings for the team? He made me realize that this is not the same for every team, that there are locker rooms out there that call that shit out. Where the organization looks out for you. And it’s not perfect everywhere, but places like Montreal and Toronto aren’t the fucking standard.”
Hayden still wasn’t sure what ‘“that shit” was.
“Ilya put me in contact with some guys in Detroit that he used to play with to hear what it’s like there,” J.J. continued. “It sounds good, it sounds really good for once, Hayden. And the fans will be way better there too, obviously.”
For J.J. to leave this team, for him to leave all of Quebec for an American city, yeah, Hayden was definitely missing a few things. He still wasn’t convinced whatever he had missed with Shane wasn’t just better-concealed in a locker room where Shane had a personal attack dog as a captain, but J.J.'s mind seemed pretty made up. And how did Rozanov know enough about this for J.J. to take his help without even talking to Hayden? And what did the fans have to do with it? J.J. played on the first line. He was a high points producer. What didn’t the fans have to love about him? Sure there were haters, but that was an occupational hazard. You just block them out and keep moving. Both Montreal and Detroit were hockey cities, so Hayden had a hard time figuring out just how different they could be.
Hayden realized he had been quiet for far too long. None of these questions felt like things he could ask, so he decided to go with “Since when do you talk to Rozanov?”
“Since he fucking married our best friend a year ago, Hayden, Jesus Christ!” In a conversation that J.J. had started out anxious in, he had now progressed to mad. Hayden felt like he had fallen into a hole he didn’t even know was there.
“J.J., I don’t really know what to say, I’m gonna miss you bro. Our team is gonna change even more without you.”
J.J. threw down cash as he stood up from the table. “Maybe that’s a good thing, Hayden. I think it’s long overdue.”
4. The Kingfisher Crew
If Hayden had spent the year feeling like he was on the fringe of rooms, he was completely out of his depth tonight. Montreal was playing the Admirals on the same night Ottawa was playing Brooklyn, and that made for quite the party at the Kingfisher. Hayden had never gone to these things, but he missed Shane, so he had agreed to go despite the proper beatdown Scott and his team had given Montreal two hours before. The next leg of their last roadtrip of the season left bright and early the next morning, but Shane never stayed out late for these things anyways, Hayden figured.
Jackie had dragged him to a few drag brunches and pride parades in his time, so Hayden thought he knew what to expect. Lots of glitter, lots of pizzazz. This is why he was completely taken off guard when, other than the pride flags strung throughout, he walked into a very normal sports bar playing ESPN and TNT on every TV.
There were a few colorful patrons scattered throughout the booths, but tonight the bar was definitely overrun by hockey players. He had convinced J.J. to come with him. The minute they walked in the door, though, J.J. peeled off to talk to Zane Boodman, embracing him like a long lost family member–yet another connection of Hayden’s best friends that he was seemingly oblivious too, leaving Hayden to fend for himself. Rozanov was sitting at the bar with a few men, animatedly waving his hands around as he narrated something. Hayden only recognized Scott’s husband Kip, in the mix, but Rozanov even held the bartender as captive audience, so Hayden didn’t bother trying to interrupt.
Instead, he worked his way further back into the bar. He avoided eye contact with Troy, who sat at a table with some of the younger players from the different teams. One of them Hayden recognized on the Centaurs – Lucas? Luke?– was completely entwined with a person in the booth whose gender Hayden couldn’t parse out. They had long hair and bold makeup, but this was a gay bar, right? There was still something sharp and masculine about them. Would that make this kid gay? He didn’t remember him coming out. That would have made the news right? How many fucking gay players were on this team? Whatever, it didn’t matter either way. Hayden just wanted to find Shane.
He eventually found his buddy quietly sitting in the back with two older familiar faces. “Hey, Hayd,” Shane smiled warmly. “You know Scott and Eric from the camps, right?”
The two men gave Hayden polite smiles as he scooted in next to Shane.
Soon after Hayden sat down, the bartender appeared with a glass of something clear and set it down in front of Hayden.
“This is from Ilya,” he said with a wink.
Was Ilya trying to poison Hayden? They all turned to find him staring at Hayden with a perfectly neutral smile, watching expectantly. Hayden figured he could use whatever was in the glass to relax, so he raised it in Ilya’s direction, downed it in one sip, and immediately began hacking. Ilya threw his head back laughing, before turning back to his audience.
“What the fuck was that?” Hayden choked.
“I can’t pronounce the name of it, babe,” the bartender rolled his eyes. “Some Russian liquor we stock for him, he’s the only one who ever orders it.”
“Must be a popular customer,” Hayden wheezed, stealing a sip of Shane’s drink to chug. He coughed again when the taste of a bitter IPA met his pallet instead of the sugary ginger ale he was expecting out of Shane’s glass. Since when did Shane drink on road trips? Hell, since when did Shane go out on road trips in general? It was getting close to one am, and his early bird friend sat perfectly content.
“Anyways, can I get you anything to drink, handsome, or are you just gonna steal Shane’s all night?”
Hayden blushed red. “Um, I’m not gay. Not that that’s a problem! I just--I’m married!” He rambled.
The bartender raised his eyebrows in amusement. “And I’m taken, but here we are,” he quipped, before leaning down to kiss Eric.
Shane laughed, completely relaxed. “He’ll have a Budlight, Kyle.”
Kyle, as his name was, raised another eyebrow that felt even more judgmental, but finally let up on Hayden to go grab the drink.
Hayden’s head was spinning. After a decade of begging Shane to come out with him, watching girls try and fail time and time again to flirt with Shane, and watching Shane completely out of his depth navigating clubs and alcohol, the roles were reversed. Was this a new side of married and out Shane, or was Shane secretly completely immersed in a gay scene without Hayden? The more time went on, the further Hayden felt like he drifted from knowing his best friend.
Feeling awkward and grasping for conversation, Hayden nodded over to the bar. “That’s your husband, right Scott?”
Scott smiled warmly. “In the HABs section, yeah, that’s him,” he laughed.
Hayden’s brow furrowed. “HABs?”
”Husbands and Boyfriends,” Shane supplied. “Like WAGs, but gay. Well, Ilya still likes to call himself a WAG, but that’s just because he likes being ‘one of the girls.’”
Hayden chugged about half his drink as soon as Kyle set it down in front of him. He was so lost.
“I thought Ilya was, like, the man here,” Hayden motioned. Something suspiciously sounding like Jackie’s voice in the back of his brain told him that wasn’t the right wording, but he was too tired and already too buzzed to care. Besides, this was Shane, he didn’t need to say the perfect thing. Shane knew what he meant.
Scott shifted. “They are both men, Hayden” he said very formally. Hayden suddenly felt like his dad was lecturing him.
Hayden sighed. “No, Shane, you know what I mean.”
Shane’s brow furrowed in concentration. “Like, because I bottom?” He said, slightly embarrassed.
Scott’s steady gaze on Hayden suddenly turned very sharp.
“No!” Hayden started. “Well, maybe? I don’t know how that works. I just mean, like, you’re real gay and Ilya likes women, right?”
Shane looked even more confused. Hayden himself was quickly losing track of what he was trying to say.
“Like, I guess I have a type, right? And Jackie fits my type? So I figure whatever Ilya likes in you are the same things he likes in women, he just sees them in you too?” Hayden could hear Jackie yelling at him to shut up, but he was starting to feel very defensive with the way Scott’s eyes were boring into him.
Shane looked utterly lost.
Eric cleared his throat. “Ilya is bisexual, Hayden,” he started. “And it’s different for everyone, but I am too and I can say while there are personality traits I like, I definitely don’t just think Kyle is the man version of my ex-wife. I don’t know if you’ve seen Shane, but he’s pretty masculine.”
Admittedly, Hayden often forgot the muscle Shane had, as his friend was pretty docile and withheld in most of their time spent off-ice together. He was used to seeing Shane in some sort of athleisure, but when he took his friend in, it felt like seeing him for the first time. His chiseled frame was accented by the way the silky button up he wore draped over him. Shane had left multiple buttons open, exposing his broad chest. Hayden had never known Shane to wear jewelry, but a sleek silver loop of metal sat on his collarbone. Shane had grown out the boyish shag he had sported most of his career, and had been wearing his hair longer the last few years. He had recently begun styling it, and the intentional way the hair that framed his face fell pulled all the sharp lines and intensity of his face out just so. Somehow, the choker, the material, and the hair weren’t emasculating, though, Hayden thought. They somehow all made him look more masculine. Shane looked comfortable, he looked…himself in a way Hayden hadn’t realized had happened. He looked good. Not that Hayden was gay or anything. Not that there was anything wrong with that.
“Yeah, Hayd, I don’t know much about gender theory or whatever,” Shane said, “but Ilya is just attracted to a lot of different kinds of people.”
Hayden snorted through a “well that’s certainly true,” earning him a full-on glare from Scott. Shane didn’t seem to notice.
“But if you mean like, personality, or flamboyance, that’s definitely Ilya. He says I’m bad at being gay but he’s totally the full deal.”
“Shane, those are stereotypes,” Scott started, but Eric waved him off.
“I know what you mean, Shane,” Eric said. “There is absolutely an old queen underneath that harsh Russian exterior,” Eric laughed. “It’s been nice to get to know more of her through the years. When Ilya first started showing up here, he’d bitch at Scott, give some poor patron a sexuality crisis by reading the ten years of repression he saw in them in two minutes, and then slink away into the night. I don’t know what you will do after hockey, Shane, but there’s a red carpet that needs a sassy commentator just waiting for Ilya the minute he retires. You’re just more reserved and had more internalized homophobia to work through, I think.”
Shane nodded shyly.
“I get that,” Scott said, suddenly far softer. “You read that book list Eric sent us?”
Shane nodded again, this time more enthusiastic.
Were they saying Shane was homophobic? Hayden questioned. And they have a book club? Hayden tried to listen to what had quickly become a very academic-sounding conversation to determine what got Shane to start reading anything other than hockey biographies, but he only seemed to recognize words like “compulsive” and “performative” individually.
Hayden was starting to feel sorry for himself. He knew very few hockey players that read, well, not anyone besides Shane, and his intellect had never felt challenged in the way it did now. Having a sixth sense for when he could bother Hayden the most, Rozanov materialized at their table at that moment.
“Move, Pike,” he said as he bullied Hayden out of the way to curl himself around Shane. Shane immediately relaxed into him. Maybe this new Shane was fine with PDA too.
“Oh, we were just talking about you,” Shane said, giving Rozanov a small smile.
“I hope it’s good,” Rozanov breathed, inches from Shane’s face.
“Eric was calling you a bitch,” Scott said flatly.
Ilya lit up like a Christmas tree. “Kyle!” he yelled. “Time to get your sugar daddy home, he’s getting cranky.”
Kyle flipped him off with one hand as he continued to wipe the bar down with the other. “He’s working on being cunty, Ilya. Proud of you babe!”
Eric rolled his eyes. “Sorry, I forgot chirping turns you on. I was defending you before, but yeah, now I’m calling you a bitch.”
“Hayden said I seemed like the woman of the relationship, but I think it’s you,” Shane said.
Ilya’s delighted eyes caught Hayden’s. “Mmm, yes, I am your bitch wife,” he said, tickling Shane.
Hayden was pretty sure he would get told off for being misogynistic by this group if he talked like that, but none of the guys reacted, and Hayden didn’t know what was up or down anymore.
“And you’re mine,” Rozanov said, gently touching the metal around Shane’s neck. Shane closed the very small distance remaining with an obscene kiss.
Hayden groaned, looking at the other guys, waiting for a ‘knock it off’ or ‘get a room.’ Instead, the bar was clearing out for the night, Kip and Kyle made their way to the table. All three of the couples were quickly folding into their own little worlds.
Hayden was a seventh wheel of a group made of people he could barely hold a conversation with when they weren’t coupled up. The one person he used to be able to talk to currently had his mouth occupied. He sighed, standing up.
“Good to see you, Shane,” he said. Shane barely broke his deep eye contact (eye contact!) he was making with Ilya in between kisses to look up at Hayden.
“Hey, yeah, thanks for coming, Hayd, see you later,” Shane called behind him.
Hayden wasn’t sure when that next time would be, with the way their worlds slowly drifted further and further apart.
5. Jackie
After a delayed flight, Hayden got home painfully late from his roadtrip. He dropped his bags inside the bedroom door, stripping down, too exhausted to shower, and rolled onto the bed face down. Jackie, ever-vigilant, stirred to greet him.
“How was the trip?” She asked, throwing an arm over him.
“Mmmph,” Hayden groaned in dismay.
“Yeah, I saw the scores,” Jackie said quietly. “Did you at least get to see Shane and Ilya in New York?” she asked hopefully.
Even Hayden was surprised by how small the “yes” was that he let out, and even more taken aback by the tears prickling at his eyes.
Jackie sat up, much more awake than she was a few moments ago.
“What is it?” Jackie questioned. “Are they okay?”
Hayden sighed, pulling his face out of his pillow and into her lap.
“I don’t even really know, Jacks, everything is weird right now. The team is bad, we are definitely out of the playoffs, which is whatever. That’s unavoidable. But J.J. is leaving, and that is a big blow. And I feel like J.J. is part of---I feel like it seems like everybody knows Shane better than I do anymore. Everybody is just in on something about him that I don’t get.”
“Probably how great his husband, that you do not like, is.” Jackie said flatly.
Hayden sat up. “Jackie! I’ve gotten better!”
Jackie hummed, not giving a very definitive response.
“Okay, fine, I get it, I’m the asshole that doesn’t like Ilya Rozanov. He actually contains all this depth and character that he shows everybody but me. Whatever. But I still feel like something switched and I just don’t know Shane anymore. And I get it, his life has changed a lot, but I just thought I’d realize my best friend was changing.”
“Bad change?”
”No, I don’t think so. I mean it feels like everything I know about him is inverted. But he seems happy with all these things I thought he didn’t like.”
“When do you feel like it started changing?”
“I don’t know, I feel like it already happened and I just started noticing. But it’s probably all my fault with that stupid video,” Hayden pouts.
“Have you tried talking to him?” Jackie asked simply.
No. No, Hayden had not tried talking to him. Any time Hayden had ever tried to talk to Shane about ‘life things,’ about dating, having kids, longterm plans, Shane never seemed to possess the ability. He would cringe and deflect and shut out Hayden’s advances, and would change the topic as fast as possible.
“He spooks so easily Jacks, you know this.”
Jackie shrugged. “Maybe, but if he’s the exact opposite like you say, then maybe now you two could actually have a conversation.”
Well, when she put it like that, it felt simple. Fuck. Even Hayden’s wife seemed to get Shane better now.
+1. Shane’s POV
Hey man, it’s been a while and I was wondering if we could hang out 1:1 sometime soon. I can drive down to Ottawa, or whatever works for you.
Shane smiled at his phone. He had definitely been feeling the distance from Hayden this year, and after a restful summer, he looked forward to catching up with him.
When Shane opened the door to Hayden on a sunny afternoon in July, he was not prepared for how shifty Hayden seemed. Shane forced himself not to panic, and let Hayden in without commenting on the mood. Even Anya seemed to sense the tension, staying glued to Shane’s side instead of giving Hayden her usual enthusiastic greeting of guests. He ran through the obligatory drinks options and activities, looking for anything to ease the tension. Eventually they settled on the couch, Anya in Shane’s lap and a pillow in Hayden’s, making small talk about little things. Shane cycled through his conversation topics: the kids, asking about Jackie, debriefing about the playoffs, and updating Hayden on the work Ilya was doing this summer with new foundation partners. Around that point, Hayden cleared his throat.
“Shane, I wanted to talk to you about something actually.”
Shane felt his stomach drop, and forced himself through his therapy techniques as he let Anya ground him. “Yeah, Hayd?”
“I feel like we’ve grown so far apart,” Hayden said.
Shane nodded “Yeah, me too. But we kind of knew that would happen when I moved, right? We aren’t spending every hour together anymore.”
Hayden nodded “Yeah, but it’s more than that. We don’t talk much, and really only see each other during games.”
Shane nodded. “Yeah, I’m sorry, our first year was really hard and my phone felt like a bomb that would go off at any time. I was trying to get better at it this year, but it’s still an adjustment. My face is still not exactly welcomed in Montreal right now, but you and the whole family are welcome here. You guys can always spend the night and stuff, since I know it’s a lot with kids.”
Hayden nodded. “Yeah, thanks, man. I guess it’s even more than that. When I do see you, things are different. Everyone seems to know more about you than I do. Everything I know about you seems the opposite. And I don’t know if you’ve changed or if I just didn’t know you.”
Shane swallowed a dry lump. “Different, like what, Hayden?”
He was really, really, trying not to panic. He and Ilya had spent so much time working on communication, and now Shane was dually trying to extend what he learned to others in his life. But this was setting off all his alarm bells.
“Well, some stuff is small. Like you seemed to like going out at the Kingfisher. You never used to like to be touched, but you seem to be okay now. And you’re all,” Hayden waved his hand, “stylish and confident. Which is a good thing! It just seemed like a lot changed all at once.”
Shane nodded. “Some of it is new. I’d much rather go to the Kingfisher than a celebrety club. And I definitely feel more comfortable expressing myself now that I’m out. And, well, obviously I have different feelings about my husband touching me than random guys on the team when I was closeted.” Shane had felt Hayden and Ilya had made progress in their relationship over the last few years, but he didn’t know why that last sentence felt like testing the ground for a landmine. “But, yeah, what else?”
”I guess it seems like I’ve had some stuff where I don’t know if I read you totally wrong. Some of the Centaurs seem to think you wouldn’t have liked being captain.”
Shane thought for a bit. “I don’t know if I would take it again if it was offered to me. I got the C so young that of course I was going to take it. But it was so much pressure, Hayden, and so many extra things besides playing hockey.”
“But you like pressure, don’t you?” Hayden asked.
Shane turned it over in his head. “Yes and no. I feel like pressure makes me successful. I put a lot on myself. I feel like it drives me to do well. I have a lot of pressures that I think are valuable in my life. Obviously I push myself in hockey. I have pressure to be a good husband and son because I want to be. But those are pressures I chose for my life. I wasn’t just responsible for myself and my performance as captain, I was responsible for an entire team. And when something went wrong, it felt like it all went back to me, and I took it out on myself and my body. And that was already a lot. But when,” Shane shot Hayden a side eye, “when everything blew up, suddenly there was even more pressure. Everyone had an opinion on not just my hockey, but every intimate detail of my life and everyone I care about. It was way too much. If I was trying to be a captain while experiencing all of that, I would have had a breakdown.”
Shane paused.
“I still almost did,” he whispered after a moment. “I think I would have if Ilya wasn’t my captain, if I didn’t have people like Scott and Troy and my therapist to talk to.”
For as vulnerable as Shane had just been in that moment, Hayden seemed irritated more than anything.
Hayden scoffed. “Troy? Really? You used to call him a bigoted asshole.”
“I know,” Shane sighed. “It took us a lot of conversations to work through it, and he’s apologized a lot to me. But he’s been putting in the effort to grow and educate himself and is always open to feedback. And we are actually pretty similar, so it’s easy to talk to him.”
“How come you didn’t talk to me, Shane? I know I don’t get being gay or whatever, but I still want to be there for you.”
Shane squirmed. He had no idea how to say this to Hayden. “I don’t know, Hayden, I didn’t want to have to explain all the language and nuance of what I was going through, on top of actually explaining what I was going through. The other out players just got it, so it was easier.”
He swallowed back the elephant in the room, that largely what he had been going through was Hayden’s fault. He truly had forgiven Hayden, but that didn’t mean sometimes the pain of the situation wouldn’t have been too weird to talk about with him.
“You think I’m stupid because I’m straight?” Hayden scoffed.
“No, Hayden! I didn’t say that,” Shane buried both his hands deeper into Anya’s soft fur, trying to control his heartrate.
“Look, you have kids and I don’t, right? I can listen to you talk, I can babysit all I want, but I still will not fully understand what that is like until we have our own kids.”
”But I still talk to you about them!” Hayden whined. “I tell you about their lives, I tell you about the things I have a hard time with. I’d love for you to have your own and have that bond with me.”
Shane shut his eyes. “You are never going to lose your career over having kids, Hayden. The media isn’t going to run eight hundred stories on them. You are never going to wonder if you’ll get beaten to a pulp if you want to take your kids to your birth city.”
”Jesus, Shane, what does that mean?”
”See, that’s exactly it, Hayden.” Shane was moving from panicked to angry, but at least he could articulate. “I don’t hold it against you that you don’t know what you don’t know, but in the six years you’ve known I’m gay, you never once seemed curious about it outside of trying to set me up on dates. Which, by the way, you continued even AFTER you knew about Ilya. You truly do not give a shit about him, Hayden, you probably still do not know how scared we were, or why we might have even been scared.” His voice wavered. “Even if things happen to you, Hayden, the whole world is set up for it to work out for you.”
“Like with the stuff you talked to J.J. about?” There was a clip to Hayden’s voice.
That line took Shane off guard. Anya had grown more alert, sensing the tension in the room, but stayed in Shane’s lap.
“I don’t know what that means, Hayd,” Shane breathed heavily.
“About Detroit, about how bad the locker room in Montreal has apparently always been. I had no idea it was bad, Shane. Do you think I’m racist too or something? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Hayden, how did you not---nevermind?” Shane’s mind was spinning. “I’m sorry you had a more comfortable time than us.” He was desperately trying to fight the way his vision wanted to tunnel.
“He said he even talked to Rozanov about it,” Hayden yelled. “What the fuck does he know about that, Shane?”
Shane was shaking. “I don’t fucking know, Hayden! Maybe that he is a captain that has the power to set the tone in his locker room! Maybe because he pays attention and learns about the issues that fucking affect someone he loves! Maybe because he recognizes he has the privledge to make a difference in the league even if half the league fucking hates him! And he does, Hayden! Ilya fucking does!” Shane was ranting, but he could feel the minute he stopped he wouldn’t be able to keep going, so he just let himself get it all out. “You barely let me talk about it today, but this summer he’s finding a bunch of partnerships to support kids of color in the league because he realized how big of an issue it is after trying to help J.J.!”
Shane’s breath was becoming more shallow, his control on himself quickly slipping away. His vision was fading, and he could hear the blood flowing in his ears.
Hayden jumped when the back door slid open, but Shane stayed still. Ilya stepped into the room with purpose.
“Oh, what the fuck,” Hayden groaned. “I thought we were alone today!”
“Lots of yelling of my name in the house I own,” Ilya said dryly as he entered the room. “What’s going on?”
Shane still didn’t turn to him, the fight completely out of him as he tried his best not to shut down. Maybe I could, though, now that Ilya’s here, a little voice in the back of his head whispered. He didn’t understand how he had ended up here.
“Hey, hey. Solnysko.” Ilya knelt next to Shane’s side of the couch, finding one of Shane's hands in Anya’s fur and rubbing his back with the other. “Shane, do you have your words right now?”
Shane nodded, whispering “yes”.
“Good, stay with me here, sweetheart. Can you tell me something you feel right now?”
“Rozanov--“
Ilya completely ignored Hayden, moving his hand up to squeeze Shane’s neck.
Shane let the sensations of his little family of three fill him. “I feel Anya’s fur, and her breathing,” he said.
“Good job, what else?”
Shane took a deep breath. “Your hand”
“Rozanov,” Hayden said louder. “You gotta just leave him alone when he gets like this,” Hayden pleaded. “You’ll make it worse.”
Ilya slowly turned his gaze on Hayden. “I think I know how to take care of my husband, Pike,” Ilya said in a dangerously low voice. “Go out to the back deck until I get you.”
“Oh my god, I’m not your fucking child,” Hayden groaned.
“Hayden, please,” Shane forced out, tears spilling over.
“Pike, I swear to god I will never let you speak to him ever again if you do not go out this minute.” Ilya kept his voice completely quiet and stable, but the tone was lethal.
Hayden got up and slipped away without another fight.
Shane silently cried harder, as Ilya climbed up on the couch next to him, completely wrapping him up. He breathed Ilya in as he felt Anya’s wet snout press into his thigh, desperately trying not to slip away in his mind entirely.
“I don’t know how that happened,” Shane cried into Ilya’s shoulder.
“I know, sweetheart,” Ilya said, squeezing him tighter. “We can talk about it in a minute. Just give yourself some time here.”
Shane nodded, letting himself cry and be held by Ilya for an indeterminate amount of time. Emotions and sensations coursed through him, but he felt too tired to grasp at them. By the time he pulled back, the front of Ilya’s shirt was soaked.
“Sorry,” Shane whispered, rubbing the material between his fingers.
“Is okay,” Ilya whispered, cupping Shane’s face, wiping away his tears with his thumbs. “My shirt will dry.”
Shane let himself melt into the hands cupping his face.
“Breath with me?” Ilya asked gently, as he moved to take both of Shane's hands in his. Shane nodded, focusing everything in him to match the steady rise of Ilya’s chest, and the sound of his steady “One, two, three, four…”
After a few rounds, Ilya seemed satisfied with where Shane was.
“Good job Shane, give me one moment,” Ilya said, pressing a kiss to Shane’s forehead before standing up. “Anya, you stay with him, yes?”
Anya lazily looked at Ilya, as if suggesting she had anywhere else to be was offensive.
As Shane listened to Ilya poking around in the kitchen, he took inventory of himself. His head was throbbing from crying, and a pit had formed in his stomach at some point. Still though, he was proud of himself for not fully melting down or going mute, and was surprised at exactly how clearheaded his thoughts felt.
By the time Ilya returned, Shane was breathing normally. Ilya handed him a tissue first, and then traded it for a Gatorade and an ibuprofen. He rubbed Shane’s back as Shane sipped. Once Shane finished the bottle, Ilya traded it again for a small squish toy, and pulled Shane back onto his chest.
“Ready to talk?” Ilya asked gently.
Shane nodded.
“He told me he wanted to hang out and catch up,” Shane started. “But I think he wanted to talk about this from the start. I didn’t know, though. I didn’t really realize how hurt he was until it was too late,” Shane said.
“What did he say, Shane?”
“He was saying things seemed different this year, and that he felt like we fell out of touch. Which I guess we had, and I do feel bad about that. I didn’t want that to happen. So I tried to explain. But then he also said I just seemed different, and it felt like,” Shane breathed deep. “It felt like he had a problem with every part of myself I’ve learned to like recently.” Shane could feel Ilya’s jaw move against his head, but Ilya stayed quiet. “And I guess a lot of me is a different person. Like I’m more social and assertive. I’m not as regimented. And I get that big changes in personality can be a red flag.”
“Is not a big change though, Shane,” Ilya said. “I have always known those parts of you. More people are just seeing them now that you are safe to show them.”
“I guess it just hurt that Hayden didn’t already know them,” Shane said quietly.
Ilya hummed. “What else, what were you yelling about?”
”I think he was feeling left out, and honestly kind of stupid because he realized he’s not really my point person for any major life stuff anymore.”
”Yeah, well, that would be because he is stupid and does not live in the real world,” Ilya scoffed.
Shane shot him a look. “He was talking about Scott and Troy, and was mad about J.J. and I talking about race in the league for some reason. And he was mad that J.J. talked to you about it.” Shane whispered the next part, embarrassed. “I told him it’s because you care and I implied he was a bad friend for not noticing or looking into stuff.”
“Well, I would certainly say that,” Ilya said.
“Yeah but I don’t think that was helpful when he was already feeling insecure about our friendship, Ilya. He just kept talking about you and I got so mad. I thought we were past this.” Shane pressed his hands into his eyes for a moment.
”Shane, I will be honest. I don’t think his feelings about me have changed, I think he just got better at keeping his mouth shut and felt too guilty after outing us. And he is important to you and I understand he is not trying to hurt you, but that does not mean he’s a good friend all, or even most of the time.”
The thing was, Shane knew this. He had been suspecting for a while. Ilya saying it aloud was just the final nail in the coffin.
“I don’t think I can just never speak to him again, Ilya,” Shane sniffed, fighting tears again. “And I love Jackie and the kids so much.”
“It does not have to be all or nothing, sweetheart. It can start with you just telling him you don’t appreciate being ambushed in your own home, and that you need some time to think, that in the future you would appreciate knowing he wants to have a serious conversation before you are knee-deep in it. It can start with just not letting him shout over you when things don't go his way.”
“Yeah,” Shane nodded. “Yeah, okay.”
Ilya kissed his cheek. “I am so proud of you, Shanya. I would not tell you to keep trying if I did not think you could take it, but look at you. You talked to him for as long as you could. You didn’t shut down. You can continue to stand up for yourself, yes?”
Shane nodded, returning the kiss.
“And if you do later, we reevaluate and figure it out together.”
“Together,” Shane echoed, leaning deeper into Ilya. They laid there for a bit as Shane tried to ground himself a little more. Eventually, though, he grew restless.
“Okay,” Ilya said, helping him up. “Do you need more time or do you want me to get him?”
”Please get him. I just want to get through it,” Shane said. Ilya walked off with one last kiss. Shane steeled himself when he heard the sliding door open again a few moments later.
Whatever Ilya said to Hayden in the few seconds they were alone must have scared Hayden, because he was white as a ghost as he cautiously made his way in behind Ilya. Anya sat up, suddenly on high alert, eyes tracking Hayden. Shane stood next to her at the couch, smoothing her ears down, and Hayden didn’t make it very far past the door. Ilya maneuvered further into the room, crossing his arms and leaning his large frame up against a bookcase to give them space, while still keeping a watchful eye.
“Shane--“ Hayden started.
“No Hayden,” Shane said firmly. “You got to say what you wanted. I need to talk.”
Hayden shot a look at Ilya and closed his mouth.
Shane took one long breath, before monologuing. “You have been a loyal friend for a long time, and you made being in Montreal so much better for me. I love you and Jackie and the kids, and I really, really appreciate you for it. You are right, okay? I am showing different sides of myself, but very little of it is new from the time you’ve known me. Some of that isn’t your fault, some of it is, and that’s okay. It is not your fault that you do not know everything about every issue that affects me, but it is when you become aware that I’m gay, or my husband is Russian and that’s dangerous for some reason, or you find out that maybe being Asian in the locker room was harder than you thought, you do absolutely nothing to learn about it. Most of the time, you treat it like it’s my fault for not telling you more, even though you rarely receive serious information as more than an exaggeration or a joke. You say you have my back and are an ally, but you don’t even fold under other people’s pressures, Hayden, you go back on your word when you get slightly uncomfortable. You get mad at me when you realize something is happening, as opposed to the people doing something to me. You got mad at J.J. when he held me not telling him about Ilya against me, but here you are, doing the same thing.”
Shane paused, giving himself a moment as his heart raced. Ilya shot him a small nod when Shane met his eyes. “You are downright cruel to Ilya. You say awful things about him to him, to me, and based on the bits and pieces others have told me about your conversations, I think you try to get more people to too. It’s like you are trying to gather support for some sort of intervention on me.”
“Shane, I don’t--“
“I’m not done. Hayden,” Shane said. Over a decade of frustration continued flowing out of him. “I’m thirty two years old. I can stand up for myself. I can tell you what I want, I can make my own choices, I can decide what or who is good for me, and I can communicate that to the people in my life. Sometimes it honest-to-god feels like you spend more time trying to parent me than your ten year olds. And a lot of the choices I’ve had to make the last few years are directly because of you, Hayden.” Shane’s voice shook, but he pressed through.
“I get the video was an accident. I have forgiven you. Not everyone in our life has, but even Ilya has forgiven you despite you putting his fucking life at risk. But it happened, and it was your fault. The thing I cannot handle the most is you thinking you know better than me about how to handle the situations I have found myself in since, while you still make ME feel bad for YOU when it comes up. So I think we both need some time Hayden. I agree that our friendship looks different, and I think it will continue to look different. And I’m not saying I never want to speak to you or your family again, but I really need some breathing room for a bit. It feels like for the first time in our entire lives, Ilya and I have finally been able to breathe, and I absolutely will not let the person I’m calling my best friend be the one to disrupt that. So please go home and give me some space and I will reach out after I’ve had some time to process.”
Hayden stared at Shane stunned. Shane was out of breath, and wanted to collapse back onto the couch.
“Shane, I’m sor--,”
“Hayden, I said please go home.”
Shane could feel Ilya from all the way across the room, he knew he was trying to hide his pride with the sternness he was currently using to shuffle Hayden out the door.
Shane stood there, leaning up against the couch and absent-mindedly petting Anya until the front door clicked closed again. As soon as it did, Shane moved towards the sound, meeting Ilya in the middle of the foyer.
Shane slid into Ilya, hugging him around his waist.
“You did it, Lyubimiy,” Ilya murmured. “That was all you. I’m proud of you.”
Shane was relieved, but he didn’t feel very proud at the moment.
“Are we going to have to keep doing this?” Shane asked. “Second guessing if the people we love have our back?”
“I think occasionally, yes, with how much good you see in others,” Ilya said. “But we have good people around us, Shane. You are also starting to see more good in yourself that is worth protecting, and it will slowly be easier.”
Shane sighed deeply. “And because I have you.”
Ilya rubbed his shoulders, leaning back to take him in. “Yes, and because I have you. I am sorry I come between you and your friend Shane, even if he is an asshole.”
Shane shook his head fiercely. “No, Ilya. You were there before him and you will be here after him. You never come between me and anything. I do not want anything I cannot have with you.”
Ilya held him to his chest for a moment, before he heard Anya’s nails click on the hardwood.
“Come sweetheart,” Ilya said, pulling him back to the couch. “Let me hold you where Anya can join.”